My daughter's religious friend in high school.

[KlatooBNikto]

My daughter, who is a high school student has been a close friend of another girl since her KG days.Her friend's family are devoted Christian Fundamentalists who take the Bible literally and would not tolerate any thing that deviates from the literal word including Evolution. Their daughter has been asking my daughter to go see THE PASSION with her and has been asking her to go to her church to be born again. My daughter has been resisting these attempts over the years.But the two of them have remained close friends in spite of their differences.

Yesterday, my daughter dropped a bombshell on me. Her friend told her
that she feels more and more that the church is becoming irrelevant to her and does not feel anything for the sermons and other rituals at her church! She told my daughter not to say anything about this to her parents for fear her parents would make her go through a rigorous atonement process.I told my daughter that it is at times like these people need their friends.That she should listen without being judgmental and be supportive of her friend regardless of what her decision is.That her friend is discovering through her own questions what it means to grow up and be an independent person.Let her go though the process and what comes after this will only be good whether she decides to rediscover her religious roots or decides to pursue a different course.

[trotsky]

1. How difficult for that girl!

She will have to hold back her opinions until she is no longer dependent on her parents, I'm sure.

But it's fantastic to see her questioning dogma and being willing to consider other explanations. She deserves as much support as your daughter can give her - your advice was 100% spot on.

[Chandler Stork]

2. Your advice was superb.

It was very sensible to tell your daughter to be non-judgmental and supportive, and to let her friend go through this process on her own. If the process of questioning ends in your daughter's friend leaving the religion, or even embracing less strident form of it, I wonder what her family life will be like when she's an adult.

Intersting aside - "The Passion?" That was made from a very conservative Catholic viewpoint. I thought fundies regarded the Catholic Church as Satanic?

[KlatooBNikto]

5. I think her aim was to make my daughter see the movie so she

could get her to become more "religious" than she is.It is now clear that she needs to have some freedom to discover her own true feelins about her religious beliefs.To me,a girl at 16 is still a child and should not be so steeped in religious fervor that other things in life get short shrift.

As I say to my daughter, when you get to be as old as I am all you can think about are questions like these, if at all you can think without falling asleep!

[bleedingheart]

3. I recall this girl I knew in school who was a Pentecostal..it was torture

for her..

She was trying so hard to please her parents but she was miserable and it was the few friends she did have that made her life better.

Kudos to your daughter for being there for her.

[rurallib]

6. The girl from the religious family

faces the rehabilitation process and if that fails probably an ostracism with the prospect of never seeing her parents again.
Your advice was great. It sounds like the parents have put the kid in a situation where she gets hurt no matter what.

[Zeke]

4. Hmmmmmmmm.......

Wow! Talk about a from the heart post.

Thanks for sharing.

Intersting circumstances.

[elehhhhna]

7. I had some teens from the local Baptist Church knock on the door and

engage them in a conversation about their beliefs, etc.

One of the girls actually told me that she'd been born-again but it wasn't "real"--she'd succumbed to peer & family pressure and just went along. The kid was obviously troubled by this and said she was hoping and waiting for the true power o' Jesus to make her really, truly "born again". I wished her luck and hoped hope ahe finds what she's looking for...

[Feathered Fish]

8. Great advice

It seems that this girl is rejecting what her parents and church have taught her to be the only true way, thus acting like a normal teenager. It is unfortunate that she cannot be honest with her own parents about this and it is incredibly important for your daughter to be a good friend, which doesn't seem to be a problem as she has stuck by even when her friend was into the fundie thing.
Something that I have noticed about fundamentalist families is the lack of dissent that teenagers display regarding the religious dogma that they are forced to accept during their childhood. I have often wondered that perhaps it is fear that keeps kids quiet about it and I am now quite sure that for a lot of people this is case. It bothers me to see teenagers accepting faith blindly without ever questioning the teachings or motives behind some religious philosophies because it leads to a life of denial and, dare I say it, apathy.

[ElsewheresDaughter]

9. you gave your child some sage advice ...i like how you handled it

:toast:

[readmylips]

10. God Bless Your Daughter...

a Real Christian. Years back my sister met a lady who turned her into Pentecostal. My sister had some emotional problems relating to our father's death. I was 2 years old, she was 12. She had been daddy's girl. Our mother did everything to help her but she just turned into a big ball of hate.

When the Pentecostal lady talked to my sister and got her to join the Pentecostals, my mother was happy to see my sister find peace and guidance. My sister got worse. She referred to us as the evil, devil family because we refused to become Pentecostal. We tried getting her back but she said her religion forbade her from socializing with us her her family. She came to my mom's funeral but requested a private viewing and no family contact. We have not seen her in over 25 years.

Dealing with religious brain-washing can be over powering. I hope your daughter knows the fine line and refers her girlfriend to professional help, but yet stay a supportive friend.

[Walt Starr]

11. This is actually a fairly typical scenario

The use of peer pressure to get a friend to commiserate in the attendance of the church serves to reinforce the belief system. When the friend does not succumb to the peer pressure, this can result in a questioning of the belief system by the original person. Generally, teh failure of the friend to participate is considered to be an example of the world view pushing the friend into a life od sin and that argument is used by the cultists in an attemnpt to reinforce the belief system in the inital cult particpant.

It's cultic behavior patterns to a tee.

[JHB]

12. Perfect advice

Kudos for your advice to your daughter.

I'm all to often appalled at people who see someone else's personal crisis as a "recruitment opportunity". I know many are operating from the best of intentions, but it still seems like the act of a vulture to me.

Help them first. If they then ask how you keep things together, then you share your experience and let things fall where they may.

[yellowdogintexas]

13. If your family is a church attending family of a more liberal bent,

perhaps you could "arrange" for her to participate in activities that show the less dogmatic approach to Christ's teachings.

Whatever your own family's situation/belief system is, you have counseled your daughter well.

Certainly making your home a haven where she can feel safe to vent and question and speculate (and all the other things teens often do about this subject) would be an excellent start.

And your daughter must be a terrific kid!

[KlatooBNikto]

14. Yes, we are Presbyterians.Very liberal. We would be more than willing to

welcome her at our church or at our home.But, I am afraid to hurt the feelings of her parents and so, for the time being, keeping quiet.

[yellowdogintexas]

15. Oh I do understand that, believe me. I grew up with lots of

little Southern Baptist girlfriends moaning about whether us poor Methodists were "saved" or not. (and Southern Baptists are mild compared to some of these wild eyed independent groups)

If she spends time in your home in the way that teenage girls normally do (my daughter's best friend practically lived with us and still does spend a lot of time here), there could be opportunities to be the supportive listener alternate mom figure that they sometimes need. Lord knows Danielle has vented on me about her family a ton of times.

Poor kid, I am sure she is feeling lots of confusion and conflict right about now.

My best to you, your daughter, and her friend.

and Merry Christmas!!!!!