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The Homeland Security Department recommends that all Americans ove the age of 12 examine their patriotism once a month. If a change should occur in your patrioism level Let your local FBI know, so that you can receive free government monitoring.
Homeland Security Self-Exam
Every American should own and know how to use a gun because:
a. We may be called on at any moment to fend off a jihad of foreign invaders.
b. We may need to protect our valuables from millions of newly unemployed slum-dwellers.
c. It's fun to shoot things.
d. We may be called upon to overthrow a tyrannical leadership that has stolen an election and usurped our freedoms.
Every American should be fingerprinted because:
a. After all the good Americans are fingerprinted, only the evil ones will be left to round-up and locked away.
b. It will prevent thieves from stealing my identity and using it to rack up my Victoria's Secret credit card.
c. If you're ever kidnapped by terriots, it will help authorites find and identify your body.
d. No American should ever be fingerprinted, unless they have been arrested for a felony.
My religion is:
a. Funamentalist Christian awaitning the Rapture.
b. Christian, with a major in business.
c. Non-Christian, but seriously considering converting.
d. None of the government's business.
I fly the American flag:
a. On both sides of my SUV.
b. In front of company headquarters.
c. On three-day weekends.
d. At half-staff to mourn the death of our democracy.
If I find that my neighbor, a subsidiary of a multi-national corporation, is stockpiling hazardous waste in their backyard, I should:
a. Ask the company to hide the waste by burying it so that no terriorist group can steal it and use it for evil purposes.
b. Contact the EPA, which takes care of all environmental problems, so you don't have anything to worry about.
c. Shut up and mind my own business.
d. Warn the neighbors and the media about the danger.
I am most afraid of:
a. Islamic Fundamentalists
b. An IRS audit.
c. Getting SARS, smallpox or anthrax without health insurance.
d. The Republican Party.
The Bill of Rights:
a. Is no substitute for the Ten Commandments.
b. Only applies to generous campaign contributors.
c. Is worth sacrificing to protect my family from terrorists.
d. Guarrantees the rights of the people against the abuses of power by the Federal government.
In regards to foreign countries, what should a patriot do?
a. Do unto others pre-emptively, before they do unto you.
b. Through bribery, assassination and subterfuge install puppet governments that will allow us to extract all their natural resources.
c. Bomb 'em if they mess with us.
d. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
Most of my money is:
a. Spent supporting people who believe in salvation.
b. In oil and defense stocks.
c. Spent on rent and groceries.
d. In a jar on my dresser.
When I shop I look to see:
a. A Made-In-The-USA label.
b. Where the designed section is.
c. Where the security cameras are.
d. Whether the goods are made by sweatshop labor.
Every American deserves the opportunity to:
a. Pray for forgiveness for their sins.
b. Inheirit all their family's wealth, free of taxes.
c. Work hard and party hearty.
d. Employment, regardless of race, color, weight, religion, gender, sexual orientation or country of origin.
Have you ever been convicted of a crime?
a. No, Daddy arranged things with the judge.
b. Yes, but I paid a substantial penality to the SEC, so it's all cleared up.
c. Yes, but I didn't do it.
d. Yes, for protesting in a "non-free-speech" zone.
I would be proud to serve my President:
a. As a missionary to the heathen hordes.
b. By accepting multi-billion dollar contracts to rebuild anycountry he wants to bomb.
c. By enlisting in the Marines, if it wasn't for my anal cysts.
d. A supoena to appear in court.
Now total your points. Each a.=1 point, each b.=2 points, each c.=3 points, each d.=1000 points.
Your Patriotism Level:
Less than 15: A Loyal American! (report any supicious activity in your neighbordhood.)
15-30: A Friend of The President (get out your checkbook.)
31-39: Born in the USA (watch more Fox news)
Over 39: A Terrorist or a Terrorist Sympathizer
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