The Morality of Paternity

[yella_dawg]

This post is in response to another thread that is bordering on a flamefest. It seems that any discussion on gender relations usually devolves into a flame war pretty quickly. I'd like to think this post is an attempt to clarify the issue, but maybe it's just my way of fanning the flames. Who knows?

My position on the issue is that modern family law is a travesty, that it damages troubled families unnecessarily, and in fact, the law inflicts damage where injury would not otherwise occur. I believe that being male puts one at a significant disadvantage under the law, and that being a "father" makes one a second class citizen. For instance the phrase "dead beat dad". No one uses the term "dead beat mom", although my ex wife currently owes me $6675 in back child support. A friend has been paying back child support for a decade to cover the arrears that accrued in the nine years he had custody of his daughter. His ex told him she wouldn't pay support if he filed, so he never went to court to have the order changed. When his daughter was in her twenties and his ex sued, the judge told him, effectively, "tough shit", even though he had plentiful proof his daughter had lived with him almost since the day of the divorce. Another friend went to court for back child support. The judge read him the riot act. When he finally got a word in edgewise, he informed the judge that he was trying to collect arrears from his ex-wife, not the other way around. The judge turned to her and asked "What is the problem, dear." That was the extent of the scolding she got.

Are my experiences due to a skewed sample of the population. Probably. But the stories do point out that there are two sides to the issue. Like any other argument.

But on to the point.

For several years, my mother's best friend showed up at my house to deliver birthday and christmas presents to "her grandchild". Eventually, I lost my temper and insisted she never set foot in my house again. Why did I put up with this at all? I had two children I believed were mine, and this miserable situation wasn't the fault of the third. I considered them all to be "my kids" and let it go at that. I married the woman, and at the time I believed it best to keep a stable family for the kids, no matter what.

A couple of years after my tantrum, my vasectomy mysteriously reversed itself and my wife came up pregnant. I was told I flunked the lab test, so I set up an appointment to have the vasectomy redone. For some reason, the lab results kept getting "mislaid". I never saw them. The day I showed up for surgery, the documents that were absolutely necessary for the procedure were suddenly "lost". My wife made copious promises and convinced the doctor to operate without the lab documents. The documents never appeared. I ended up with a severe infection that resulted in permanent damage to certain sensitive areas. In all of this, that's what I'm most resentful about. All the pain caused by the unnecessary surgery.

So most likely, two of my children aren't mine. I could find out for sure, but I really don't want to know. For all I know, none of them are mine. I really just don't want to know.

Eventually the marriage fell apart. I'd like to think my paternity concerns didn't play a large part in that. I think that's true, at least she is the one who asked for the divorce, although she tried to take it back later. Do I have kids kicking around in someone else's house? Absolutely not. I did go through a time where I decided that "what's good for the goose is good for the gander", but I got over that before I was able to act on it. (The paternity questions were hardly the tip of the iceberg when it comes to marital fidelity issues in our relationship.)

But did my "sacrifice" really benefit my kids? I don't know. Had I walked out the door the night their mother hysterically demanded an abortion because she carried another man's child, I think my life might have been better. Given what happened eventually, I don't see how the kid's lives could have been much worse.

It all comes down to the idea that I believed I was doing the best for the kids. Looking back, I was a fool. Everyone would have been better off, or at least no worse off, had I thrown in the towel the day I knew it was going bad. I would have benefited from mandatory paternity testing, and so would the children. Or at least, they would have been no worse off for it. But the final point is, family law is a travesty. Yes, it's better than it was 40 years ago, but it is still far from good. It's time the law recognized personal responsibility regardless of gender. It's time for some fairness.

[bleedingheart]

1. the best thing about the law is that it changes with the time

so while it is not perfect, there is the ability to change it.

I understand your plight and to be honest I can't understand why people do the things they do...the woman who tricks one man into paying for another man's child or the man who fathers children he never intends on supporting...

My father married his first wife in a shot gun ceremony...years later when they were divorced she told him the boy wasn't his to begin with...but my dad paid support until the young man was adopted by another man... My father died thinking that boy wasn't his...and then two years ago the child (he was in his 50's..) died ...and my mom brought over the obituary...he looked exactly like my dad...he was my dad's spitting image... it made me cry to think of what that man's mother put my dad through...

[GumboYaYa]

2. yella_dawg, you're a good man.

As difficult as it is on you, you put the interests of your children first. Biology is not the only thing that matters. What is truly important is the love you give and get from your children. It sounds like you know this better than anyone.

[yella_dawg]

3. The problem is...

Looking back, I have no idea if I did the right thing. Those kid's childhoods were not pleasant. Maybe if I'd bugged out sooner I could have at least given them a semblance of normality at least part of the time. It's a cinch that what I *did* was wrong. Damned if you do, damned if you don't, I guess.

[Bunny]

4. I'm not sure that it's a cinch that what you did was wrong.

From the sounds of your ex-wife, you may have been the only "normal" presence in the lives of those kids. No offense, but your ex sounds kinda, shall we say, unstable?

So, whether the kids are yours biologically or not, what you did probably, at the very least, caused them no harm. At most, it could have provided them with a role model and a stabilizing influence. And the sad thing is that you may never find this out until the kids are grown, if ever.

Don't feel foolish. Your ex is the fool, not you.

[txaslftist]

5. The law is definitely gender biased, but...

...I think you did the best you could with the cards you were dealt. A good attorney early on to give you the facts of life and tell you what you could expect might have saved you a lot of heartache. Courts definitely go after 'deadbeat dads' a lot more than 'deadbeat moms'. Maybe we just ought to call them 'deadbeat parents'.

And biology isn't destiny, Yella Dawg. It doesn't matter whose sperm brought the kids to life. If you took them on and no one else did, YOU ARE THE FATHER. Don't let anyone tell you different.

God Bless and good luck.

[GumboYaYa]

6. I'm guessing that having you is the only semblance of normalcy

they had any of the time. B/c family law does favor the mother in custody cases, you would likely gotten split custody at best and perhaps less than that. Imagine how your children would have been living full-time with their mother and not having you around.

You did the right thing. Don't question yourself.

[Hunter_1253]

7. That's why I firmly believe

that before a father can sign the birth certificate, a DNA test should have to be performed. Once this paternity is proven, most of the legal troubles will be easily solved. It is a natural feeling for men to not want to raise another man's child, unless he specifically accepts that responsibility of his own free will. As a soon to be new father myself, I would not want my child supported by someone else with me never knowing about it and I would not want to raise a child knowing another man is getting away with not performing his resposibility. It's unfortunate that women sometimes feel attacked when a man asks for or demands this DNA test, but ladies, you have it easy...you're pretty damn sure the kid is yours. Men on the other hand don't have that, and in situations where infidelity pops up, that doubt is nagging and hard to deal with.