Well, I am back - not sure how to deal with some things personal though

[The Straight Story]

Two weeks ago tonight my mother passed away. It was not totally expected.

She had been in hospital for over a month. She had an infection in her colon, went in for surgery, it burst and they rushed her into OR. 50-50 she would make it through surgery, but she did.

4 days before christmas she came home. Christmas eve she went back to hospital in ambulance, mainly dehydration was the problem.

Two days before new years eve she was in partial dementia. I went up to stay with her and give dad a break that night. Dad took me out and talked to me, said she was not doing well and probably would not make it. I collapsed in grief and he sent me home. He would be ok for the night he said with her.

Last few things she said: She yelled out and we went back in, she thought the baby was trapped in the pillow and wanted a knife to get baby out (she was referring to my daughter). Dad pretended to cut open the pillow and get her out. She was ok then. She looked up and saw me and turned to dad and said 'He can't handle it, he can't be here'. Mom knew me well. He told her it was ok and that I was going home. She wanted me to get the car and take her. I told her I would be back later and to rest.

The next night I went to see dad before he went to hospital. He said things were bad. He called me at 2am and said to get to hospital. 2 minutes before my brother and I walked in she had passed on.

Last August mom helped me and I bought the house next door to her. Now she is gone. I still am using her van for work as mine is in shop. Her ashes should be home tomorrow. I go over everyday and see dad, and now he needs surgery at end of month. All her stuff is still there, and we are working on all that (I have a brother and sister).

To make matters worse during that time, power was out for a few days due to ice storm, my wife and daughter were in California visiting her parents for christmas (I chose not to go so I could help with mom, and insisted wife go to get away and take a break - we did not know things were so bad then). I was alone, sad, depressed, and felt like I was dying. It cost 1200 to get her an early flight home (and daughter).

Mom was 70 (dec 8th, she spent her birthday, thanksgiving, and christmas in hospital), she lived a full life - but we had hoped for so much more together. So many loved her weird, witty ways. Even the mailman was upset when we told him, she was always nice to him. Tons of people showed up for funeral - but none of it will bring her back. And my little girl was so used to seeing her nanny in hospital she still talks about going to see her there, she just does not understand why nanny is not home next door.

Not even sure why I started this thread, just needed to vent. I was blessed with great parents whom many have loved - and who have always helped people, even if they did not like them. My brother, in the eulogy, mentioned a time he remembers - she had him drive her to grocery store. When she got home she took a few sacks and left the rest and said take these to so and so's house. My brother said 'you can't stand him' to which she replied 'he still needs it, the lord has never let me go hungry'. She was loved by many and missed by us all.

So slowly I am trying to get back into life. Mom would have wanted me to get my ass in gear and keep on going - and I am - just a little sad at the loss of a woman who was so much more than a mom.

My question is though, I suppose, have you been there - and how have you yourselves coped with loss?

[murielm99]

1. I am sorry for you loss.

It takes time. I know that sounds trite, but it is true.

Talking about the good things, as you have, helps, too.

I should try to be more like your mother.

[mike_c]

2. that's really rough....

I won't offer platitudes, just hang in there. Damn, it sounds hard. I'm very sorry for your loss. My mother is seventy too, but thankfully still in good health. Best of luck to your father, as well.

[MrSlayer]

3. I dread that day with all my heart.

I almost wish I would go before everyone because I'm so selfish. Though I don't really know you, you have my deepest sympathy. That has got to be one of the toughest things to go through in life even though it's the most certain. Remember the good times and be strong for that is what she would probably want from you. Again, I offer sincere condolences.

[The Straight Story]

14. I dreaded it too, always knew it would come

But had hoped it would be sometime much later.

Christmas day was so-so. At about 1am power came back on. I was over at mom's house because dad had a generator there. I ran next door to home with my dog under my arm and thought about it's a wonderful life. I was so happy in that moment. I yelled out merry christmas to the houses, and felt so good.

But Christmas day I felt worse. Alone mostly. Went next door as sister and kids were there and tried to do christmas things. Hardly ate dinner, came home and was depressed. Missed wife and daughter, but was happy that they were having a good time. A sense of dread had overtaken me.

Trees were down in front and back, so much to do. I worried about mom, she hated the hospital. I was on vacation from work, so not much to do but go online and sit around alone.

Usually I am doing great when wife is out of town and I am home alone. But this time I was terribly depressed - so much so my sister called my wife and said she was concerned.

Then new years eve it all went to hell. 2 weeks ago tonight.

Then when wife came home - still bad in some ways. She came home to a mess, tree limbs all over yard, mom was gone (and they were close too, they went to the store and out to lunch all the time) and things did not seem like home to her, and I was a mess.

It was all so good until the night the power went out, right before christmas.

I will be ok, just needed to rant :)

[MrSlayer]

16. Well I'm glad to lend an ear or an eye as the case may be.

Good Luck to you. :)

[Skittles]

4. so sorry Straight Story, glad to see you back

the loss of Khephra was such a severe blow to all of us, and I'm still mourning the death of my brother last November. It's tough, it really is.

[The Straight Story]

9. I followed that too

Very sad at the loss, he was a poster that I followed before I signed up (and I followed DU since nearly it's inception).

Loss sucks, period. I will get through it, but it still sucks.

[Skittles]

11. I doubt Kef knew how many lives he touched

but his mom sure is finding out, bless her heart.

[auntAgonist]

5. I've been where you are ..

My Mum was 69 when she passed away a few years ago. Colon cancer. Lots of chemo and even radiation couldn't keep it away. I am the oldest and strongest emotionally in our family. It was up to me to take care of everything. My Dad was wonderful in looking after Mum. She died at home, he did all of her primary care. I was working for a funeral home at the time and my family thought it best that I make all the arrangements. I did. Oh I was strong. Comforted everybody and didn't look after me. I went about my day to day life, taking charge, looking after everyone else until one day I just couldn't do it anymore. I was a wreck. I gave up on everything .. I couldn't cope. I guess what I'm saying is, you have to look after you. Grieve, cry, yes cry .. you have to know in your heart that she's gone. You can't do anything about it. She didn't leave you on purpose, I was mad at my Mum, didn't realize it at the time, but why ... I kept asking .. why did you have to go?
One day at a time is what it takes, one long day at a time. I still cry I still scream into my pillow. I wish I could tell you it's easy, I wish I could tell you it will get easier ... for me it didn't , it just got different. I'm coping. I miss her ..

you'll be fine ..

eventually.

my condolences on your loss. May the memories of the woman who nurtured you and gave you life, sustain you all the days of your life .. go and live life in honour of her!


sincerely.
auntAgonist.
aka Kesha.

[babylonsister]

6. My thoughts are with you.

Had a similar mom, but mine was 'terminal' for over 2 years. Long story, but I got to spend a lot of time with her before she died. We shared her last summer together and her 40th anniversary w/my dad. She had 5 kids who all tried/wanted to be/were there whenever they could be. After she died, all of us kids and Dad accompanied Mom's ashes from NC to NY in a caravan, comandeered a boat, she got her wish as far as being close to home, and it was done. Sounds pretty good to me as well!

[babylonsister]

18. Wow, you inspired me. Thank you, and I'm sorry

about your mom. That's why I wrote my little story and got completely distracted. Moms are special, and I am sorry for your loss.

[jdots]

7. it is corny but this what I do

I stop by the floor with new babys in the window and imagine The spirits of the people dying finding a part of a soul to be part of..make sure you can be around kids so you can see your mom and talk to her without feeling strange about it.All the people I know that died too young I talk to,maybe they don't hear it but who knows ?

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

8. How you cope with loss is one day at a time

Give yourself the space to grieve.

My condolences on the loss of your mother...just keep communicating.

(BTW...I wouldn't be surprised if this gets moved to the lounge since it isn't political and I am simply warning you so that you won't be surprised or offended should it occur)

[housewolf]

10. Hi Straight Story,

You and I do not know each other, but I remember your post at Christmas time and I feel connected to you because I grew up in Columbus and was just there over Labor Day weekend for a big family reunion.

My mom died unexpectedly. She had a stroke and somewhat recovered from that but steadily declined over a couple-year period. Eventually she was wheelchair-bound and slipping into dementia. She smoked all her life. One day she was trying to light a cigarette and somehow caught her clothing on fire. She burned over 25% of her body before my dad could get the flames out. She died less than 12 hours later. The paramedics drugged her up and so did the hospital so she was never really conscious after the paramedics took her.

The way I dealt with it was just one day at a time. The first week I was in shock but there was so much activity that I kept focused. I wrote a eulogy for her that I read at the service through my tears. It helped. I didn't idealize her but made her as real and as human as I could.

The hard part started after the funeral and everyone left and there was just this emptiness in the house. My dad and I sort of rattled around the house. It hurt for a long time. What I know is that grieving takes its own time and if you are ever to be whole and healthy again, you need to give the grief its time and its expression for however long it takes. Do you crying and your weeping. Write. Write what you feel and think and would like to say. Write the words and conversatains you wish you'd had but never did. Write your sorrow, lonliness and anger. Let yourself feel what you feel. Love and appreciate your family. Use this time to get closer to them. Don't take your grief out on them.

Learn about the 7 stages of grief. I don't remember them right off but they are stages that everyone goes through after a loss, from denial through anger to acceptance to integration and a few inbetween. It helps to be able to recognize the stage you are in and it helps make sense of the process.

This is long... let me just say how very sorry I am for the loss of your mother. I am sorry you and your family have had to go through this hell. My heart goes out to you.

Someday the sun will shine again for you. Someday you'll see a sparkle on the sidewalk again and you'll smile with the joy of being alive. Probably not today. But always remember that there is hope in the future.

[The Straight Story]

23. Thank you

I am sorry for your loss as well, some things can never be undone.

I researched grief online, and did all I could to try and cope.

Mom had a zest for life, which was tarnished over the last months. I am glad she is not suffering anymore. I will carry on as best I can, and live the life I have been given.

That week I felt terrible, felt like I was dying really. I kept thinking my kidneys were failing, or my liver, etc, and I was scared - depressed, and could not sleep at all.

In my 39 years I have hardly drank, except last few months. Somehow I convinced myself I was dying from liver failure, which scared me as I did not want my daughter to be without her dad. The pain I felt was in lower back (where I have damage anyway). It would go away when I was not thinking about it, then come back when I thought about the whole thing.

So I would drink a few, the pain would go away, then I would feel it again, and so on. If I drank 3 or 4 beers my body would relax, and I would be ok and not afraid, but then I felt that I was killing myself and get scared and drink more until after 20+ hours of no sleep I could sleep again (I took some sleep medicine, but it only made me hyper - and that has always been the case with me and things which were supposed to make be drowsy).

I dunno, it was hell. I am doing better now, more to the point of just missing her and wishing she would just call me like she did every day.

Thanks again for the post and kind words. And if you ever get sad or lonely or need to talk (or anyone here) I understand and feel free to email me and I will give you my cell phone number.

[housewolf]

37. I have a hunch...

Thank you for your kind words and your offer of friendship. That's what makes DU such a wonderful place, very kind and loving of you.

I just have a hunch here, Straight Sooter, that you're gonna be okay.

You are a fine man with the strength of a tree that can bend with an ill-wind and then stand back up.

Always remember... there is hope ahead, even when it's hidden in the mists.

And... Uh... Oh - if you keep having those physical symptoms, will you please get yourself to a doctor??? Please???



:hug:

[Old and In the Way]

12. Thanks for sharing.

These are always unique and personal events that everyone has or will exxperience. Part of life, I'm sorry to say. Lost my dad when I was 23; he had a massive coronary. My mom died a few years ago after an 18 month battle with ALS. I can think of no worse afflicition for a person and his/her family to have to endure.

[OrwellwasRight]

13. weird that you posted this

Apocalypse now is on tv in the background while I type and I was just thinking about the reason I never saw the film in its entirety.

My father died when I was in high school. I stayed out of school for most of a week, and when I tried coming back, I only came for my favorite class (English) and we were on like day 4 of watching Apocolypse (we had just read Heart of Darkness and this was our reward/chance to compare contrast).

Anyway, needless to say it was too much for me at that moment and I really didn't get it having missed do much, so I went back home, stayed out of school for the rest of the week, and for nearly 20 years I have never even attempted to watch the movie again b/c it will forever be associated with my father's death...

Anyway, for now, it is OK to just reminesce, sleep, mope, whatever you need to do. Your brain and body will tell you when youa re ready to start to go back to your life's routines. You'll always feel a hole, but eventually, you won't feel it as much (and some days, way in the future, you'll even feel mad at yourself for not feeling the hole enough).

Don't feel bad or guilty about anything. Just feel how you feel. But do try to eat some, sleep some, and be with friends and loved ones even if you don't want to talk to them.

Peace and love.

[The Straight Story]

17. Funny really

After she passed I kept changing channels. Seems so many shows had death in them all. From the movies to the news it all seemed to revolve around death. I watched as many 'light' shows as I could - from 'around the world in 80 days' to 'shanghai nights'. Sure, critics may pan such flicks, but to me they filled a need and I loved em.

Mom loved football, always watched. When she was coming to in the hospital in Novemeber (while in ICU) I remember telling her the buckeyes beat the crap out of Michigan - she smiled and shook her head.

That game will never be the same to me, nor will old westerns she used to love to watch.

Thanks for the post, simply helps to talk.

[OrwellwasRight]

24. But you'll always have that memory

of her reaction to the Ohio State-Michigan game to smile about.

I grew up in San Diego and sometimes scare people with my creepy knowledge of the Air Coryell-era Chargers. I used to watch games with my dad; he loved that I asked questions and wanted to learn all the rules (actually, he probably wished I would shut up, but he faked it really well b/c he loved me).

Although it is not the same watching without him, I still enjoy it, and when I think of him I smile.

Cheesy and bad flicks are often just the ticket to escape, 2 hours at a time.

And you're welcome. We're all her to listen (read) and support. Since I've been here, I have been amazed at the generousity and humanity of this community. I'm still a relative beginner compared to many of the folks here, but I feel lucky to be a part and just want to give back to a place that offers a comfortable place to be myself.

[The Straight Story]

25. Ahhh dads

My dad has honey bees, makes his own wine. His dad died when he was 14, in his bed at home, with dad there.

Dad has been a rock. He is holding up well, and after 52 years with the same woman I am surprised at how well he has done. He loved her, has all the photos we had at the funeral of her where he can see them from the computer and is putting her urn down next to the computer. He is glad she is not suffering, and in the months she was in hospital he stayed there all the time. The nurses marveled at his devotion to her.

I email him every few nights. Last night was to tell him how good of parents he and mom were, and how that was a big factor in my whole life. He does not write emails back, but he tells me he read them and how much they meant. He told me the other day he was not good at writing - and I said, "So, I write because it is what I do dad. I express myself through typing what I feel, I don't need you to reply, I just need to tell you what I feel."

He knows he will have his moments, but we all agreed not to have her brought back if things got bad - she would not want that. So now he goes on, knowing he is in his winter of life - but willing to go on for all of us and mom.

He has his moments, and we don't always see eye to eye, but dad has been in the shadows all these years quietly being the best man he could for us all and others he met.

Dads - they can be the best, and often underrated :)

[justjones]

15. I'm so sorry for your tremendous loss. Mother's are sacred.....

beings, our first loves, teachers, everything. I so feel your pain.

I lost my mother, when, five, six years ago. It was January 12, 1999. Wow, I swear I was crying for her yesterday, yet I didn't recognize it was the anniversary of her passing until I starting writing in response to your post. How ironic is that.....

All I can say is to take it one day at a time. The pain never goes away, it just gets more bearable. I think what made me okay is that I realized that although she is not with me in body, she is definitely with me in spirit. The love a mother and child share could never be severed, not even by death itself. I know that's hard to conceive of in the midst of your tremendous grief, but you will come to know this truth someday, especially given the love you have for her coming through the words you use to describe her on the page.

Just don't let anyone tell you to "get over it," ever. Not a year from now, two years, twenty. No one who has lost their mother would ever utter such nonsense because we know it is impossible.

[auntAgonist]

19. You are SO right!

'anniversaries' are so hard too. I doubt I'll ever get over it.

[The Straight Story]

20. Indeed

I won't get over it - I will always feel that loss - like mom did for her mom who passed suddenly in the night at home.

Mom carried on, and did the best she could for us. I will do the same, but I doubt I will ever not cry at the loss of a woman who defined my life so much. She was fun, witty, and wild. She was loved by people who were green haired liberals (who showed up at the funeral) to straight laced hard core right wing christians. She was good to all, to a fault at times.

I will miss the hell out of her, and that will never change.

[Dookus]

21. I'm so sorry...

that's such a loss.

You really don't need to think about "coping" with it. It's just there. You're not responsible for making the pain go away - you can't. You're not responsible for "getting better".

You go day by day, stay close to your family, be there for your dad, and over time, you'll start to remember her with happiness and gratitude instead of pain. But there's no schedule, no timetable. It just is.

Try to get good sleep and some exercise, eat well.

Again, I'm sorry.

[Lisabtrucking]

22. Your Mom lives on in your memory.

You really never lose someone who is close to you because they live on in your memory. Until you and the others that knew your mom breaths their last breath she will live on.

[sffreeways]

26. It helps to vent here

I'm really sorry for your loss friend. My thoughts are with you and your Mom and your family.

I have been there to answer your question. May 2003 my 21 year old son David was murdered. I came to DU and I posted the notice. The folks here really helped me get through it believe it or not. The sincere and genuine compassion and sympathy I got from the DU meant more to me than I can express adequately. I'll never forget it. I still sometimes read the sympathy cards I recieved from DU and it makes me feel better.

Your pain will ease and as it does you must remember it doesn't mean you don't love the person you lost anymore or you don't miss them terribly. You will always love and miss them but you have to heal and you will. I know it's a cliche but you will see that time will make the loss tolerable. You learn to incorporate it into your life and it gets better. The overwhelming weight of the sadness you feel right now will ease.

Keep communicating, it helps alot.

sf

[LibDemAlways]

27. Christmas Eve 1998 my father in law

was planning to drive to Las Vegas from Southern Cal to spend the holiday with my husband's sister who lives there. My husband called his dad early that morning to wish him a safe trip and a Merry Christmas. The phone was answered by a police officer. His dad had died of a massive heart attack, and the body discovered by a nephew concerned that he wasn't answering the phone.

The shock of losing him so suddenly and unexpectedly was made worse by the holiday season. It seemed so incongruous that the family was plunged into grief and preparing for a funeral at Christmas time. We buried him on New Years Eve.

Though each situation is unique, believe me when I say I understand what you are going through.

Six years later the holidays are still a little tinged with sadness, but the family comes together each year, as he would have wished, to celebrate and enjoy the season and reminisce about happy times.

Sincere condolences on your loss. DUers are a wonderful group of people, and you have many, many friends here.

[laylah]

28. My sincere condolences.

I lost my dad over 20 years ago and mom 3 years come Feb. 22. It hurts and makes one realize our own immortality.

The best thing to do is be gentle with yourself. Remember your wonderful times with her, tell stories, looks at pictures, talk with your Dad, etc.

Expect good days and bad and flow with them. Your Mom sounds to have been a wonderful, generous and caring human being. I'm sure she has a special place wherever she is now. :hug:

Jenn

[Lostnote03]

29. My mother passed away Thanksgiving Day.......

........She had lived 72 yrs........My condolences to you and your family......I respect you for posting your thoughts here and hope that your father is doing well....Best Wishes

[Bunny]

30. I'm so sorry for your loss.

It sounds like your mother was a lovely woman. :hug: My dad died two years ago, and it was very hard at first. The pain gradually fades. I'm not sure what your spiritual beliefs may be, but I take comfort in my belief that he is in a great place now, and having a wonderful time, and that I'll see him again when my time here is done.

[REP]

31. I'm Very Sorry For Your Loss

The only advice I can offer is to allow yourself your grief. You'll be getting your ass in gear and getting on - grieving is part of that. Oh, and be sure to be there for your dad, but I'm sure that's like reminding you to breathe or circulate your blood.

Your mother sounds like a truly exceptionally decent person. I am very sorry for you loss, and offer my sincere sympathies.

[elehhhhna]

32. The name of God on the lips of a child

is "Mother".

Let yourself grieve. Please don't kick yourself "into gear"--you'll get there when you're supposed to.

The sad recent memories will be overcome soon with the endless good memories...it takes a little time.

Notice that when you cry it's not necesarily from pain but from memories of a lifetime of love engulfing you.

Your father is a hero.

Your Mother must be very proud of you.

E

[hector459]

33. Been there.

I won't pretend to have any answers. Just reflect on what was so endearing about your mom and rest in the healing powers of time.

Best regard.

[Phentex]

34. I'm very sorry. I experienced loss at a very early age...

so it's always been a part of my life. I think time is the only thing that helps. Best wishes to you.

:hug:

[Rowdyboy]

35. My mom, who I adored, died shortly after her 65th birthday

after a lengthy illness. She was frequently hospitalized (17 times in 1998), and endured more pain than anyone should ever have to. Its been five years, and I still miss her horribly but the sharpness of the loss has faded with time. I still "feel" her presence at times and still talk to her sometimes-she's part of me and always will be.

I wish you and your father well. Your mom sounds alot like my mom-I only wish my dad had been as loving and supportive as yours.

BTW, It took months for the grief to really materialize. Nine months after her death, my partner was bitching about having to go home for Mother's Day and it finally hit me. He and I sat and sobbed for a long time-I was so overcome I couldn't talk. Even today, four years later, just thinking about it chokes me up.

Be thankful for what you had. Unconditional love is very rare.

[seabeyond]

36. as you are allowed to be sad, of course you are sad

and how you honor your mom in your sadness. the love you have for her, and always will have. you know how she is always with you, as your daughter grows you will tell story after story about you and your mom. and your daughter will love those stories. each story will be honoring your mom, and her life here on earth

at first in the loss the world feels so surreal. you feel sucha loss and you look at the aoutside world and it is just moving along as usual nothing different. just an odd odd feeling

be kind and gentle to you. and to your father. your mom is fine. this is about you. allow you to be sad, allow you to remember and feel your mom adn go over your experiences with her. you were able to let your mom go, without problems it seems. it seems you loved her, she loved you and you both expressed it. that will be such a blessing

when my mom died, i was able to say, i talk to my mom for a lifetime, we said what we had to say, it was ok that she left. some people, they dont show the love, then they stay in the pain of wanting to resolve and not being able to

you are allowed time

bless your family. lots of love with your daughter. that helped me so, the love of my two babies. thank you for sharing