DON RUMSFELD addresses the IRAQI PEOPLE

[eauclaireliberal]

DON RUMSFELD addresses the IRAQI PEOPLE

As-Salaam-Alaikum, friends! I am the legendary Donald Rumsfeld! Some of you may
already have heard of me. People Magazine crowned me "sexiest senior" of 2001. And, as America's one and only Secretary of Defense, I'm also the guy that just got through kicking the jam out of your collective hinders. Sorry about those thirty-seven thousand dead civilians, by the way. You know how these things go… But let's not dwell on that nasty business! I come now to visit your country - under a cloak of absolute secrecy - on a mission of hope and optimism!

First of all, let me just say that despite the incredibly high levels of radioactive contamination, I am absolutely delighted to be here in Baghdad with you lovely people. Just thrilled, really. I love what you've done with the place since my last visit! Liberation looks good on you, and I mean that sincerely. Also, I would like to convey the best wishes of the American people, who have nothing but unconditional love for the Iraqi people, and who share your joy that the tyranny that was here has been replaced with the kinder, gentler tyranny of empire.

Yes, the American people have been watching on their televisions while you have embraced your newfound freedoms - pulling down statues, pillaging hospitals and museums, being blasted into bits of bloody hamburger by trigger-happy 19-year-old Limp Bizkit fans at vehicle checkpoints - all without fear of being tortured or killed by history's greatest monster, Saddam Hussein! By the way, were you aware that he gassed his own people? It's true! I should know… I sold him the gas!

But the real reason I'm here today is to let you all know that our mighty Coalition of the Willing is in Iraq for the long haul. America and her allies are totally committed to getting your oil pumped out of the ground and into the SUVs that ferry our morbidly obese citizens from their sofa-deathbeds to the corner store, where they stock up nightly on Cool Ranch Doritos, Little Debbie snack cakes, premium ice creams and case after case of thirst-quenching diet soda.

Then, once we've sucked enough sweet black crude out from under you to pay for the incredibly expensive war machine we built to "liberate" you, we can start talking about maybe transitioning over to a kind of quasi-independent form of pseudo-self-government, subject of course to certain common-sense limits vis-à-vis certain pipelines per se, with stipulations and understandings, all of which will be for the ultimate good and prosperity of the Iraqi people, I personally guarantee you. But building a free society isn't easy! Heck no. It requires hard work, sacrifice, much shedding of innocent blood, and a paradoxical tolerance for the presence of heavily armed foreign occupiers. I know it's not much fun right now, but trust me, you'll learn to love it! Anyway, it's not like you have a choice.

We know this is a difficult time for many of you. Even as you dance for joy in the streets, celebrating your liberation like a bunch of Smurfs on crack, you also want a return to normalcy. That's understandable. You've been free for nearly half-a-year now, and everything is still pretty much FUBAR. Like my own boss says sometimes, everybody wants to be able to "put food on their family." You want hospitals that have actual medicine, rather than just a block of wood you can bite down on while they operate on you in the pitch black darkness. You want police back on the streets. You want schools reopened, electricity restored, and crappers that flush. You want to eat food that isn't spoiled. You want to drink water that doesn't taste the way Baghdad smells. To you who complain, I have only this to say: one day, we're all gonna look back on this and laugh. That's my promise to you!



But I'm not just here to help celebrate your freedom and make empty promises. I also have a few favors to ask. Folks, we need your help capturing the rest of Saddam's Ba'athist regime. We also need your help in getting rid of those goldurn foreign terror-fighters who have scampered over from neighboring countries to interfere with our ongoing liberation of you and your oil reserves. You don't want any filthy foreigners telling you what to do, do you? Of course not. You're far too proud a people for that! So please, if you would, help remove the threat by giving us any information you may have about the activities and the whereabouts of any foreign fighters in your area. American troops are exempt from this request, of course. The British ones, too. You can report on the Polish, Eritrean and Azerbaijani troops if you want, but we're really not that interested.

Back home in America, I have three children and six grandchildren, and I want the same things for them that each of you want for your children and grandchildren: safety, security and a just society where they have the freedom to pursue their dreams. We are committed to helping you build a new Iraq where you and your children will have those opportunities. Actually, come to think of it, your grandchildren will most likely be the first generation to reap the real benefits of liberation. So you should probably be thinking in the long-term, is what I'm telling you.

Let me be clear: Iraq belongs to you. We have no intention of owning or running Iraq. We came here for a purpose, and it was to remove a regime that oppressed your people and was very likely planning to threaten ours. I know that's not what we told the United Nations we were going to do here, but never mind that. That's an irrelevant entity, anyway. My point is that we'll be staying as long as it takes to achieve our nebulous, ill-defined, ever-shifting goals… and not one day longer.

Thank you for listening. Now you can get back to scrubbing your prayer mats or whatever it is you monkeys do for fun in this Godforsaken hell-hole.

Your Friend,
Donald "Donny" Rumsfeld
Secretary of Defense
United States of America

[dutchdemocrat]

1. I heard

I heard they shot at his plane as he was leaving from an Iraqi Blog.

[bobthedrummer]

2. His actual speech transcript from 4-30-03 is even more bizarre

"Message to the People of Iraq"
http://www.dod.gov/transcripts/2003/tr20030430-secdef0138.html

"Hello. I'm Don Rumsfeld :nuke: "

[w13rd0]

3. My god...

...it sounds like he's welcoming the Iraqi people to their new high-pressure sales timeshare condominium...

[ignatius]

4. This is excellent eauclaireliberal.

By way of humor, many truths are uncovered. May I send this to a few friends?