Anyone here know how to start a church?

[OffWithTheirHeads]

King George the Stupid is giving tons of money to "faith based" institutions and, hell, I can make shit up as well as they can so I want in on the loot.

P.S. I'm serious.

[7th_Sephiroth]

1. i'll be your co-pope

the church of the holy 12 gauge

[OffWithTheirHeads]

19. Now, see, this is thing along the correct lines

Maybe the most holy assult weapon. The name has to appeal to the wack jobs that are handing out the money and this is a good start

[7th_Sephiroth]

21. the .357 of mercy?

[AwakeAtLast]

2. Could it be an "online" church?

Does it have to have a building to qualify? If you can have online colleges, why not?

[robbedvoter]

3. It would have to be fundie and George faithful to get any doe

We had these discussions here in 2001. Since it came out that not even catholics, of the coveniently "judeo" - in the acceptab;e judeo-christian got a peny of your tax dollars. It's W's knuckledraggers only - outsiders need not apply.

[OffWithTheirHeads]

9. Like I said

I can make shit up as well as they can. I will tell them anything they want to hear as long as they send money. After all, that's what they do. Also, on line is even better. Real estate here is too expensive. With my new, born agin, evangelical church of the holey Torquemada, as with all fundie groups, it's the thought (or lack thereof) that counts.

[ayeshahaqqiqa]

4. Here in Arkansas

you can apply for a 501C3-R, which is a paper giving you tax exempt status for a religious organization. I was on the board of directors of a Sufi retreat center for a time, and was around when we applied for this. As I recall, all we had to do was to show our affiliation with the particular Sufi Order to which we belonged-it was done merely in a statement, no documentation needed (though we could have gotten a letter from the head of the order if it was needed).

I think that you could start there. Since you aren't affiliating with another established national group, I'd suggest you have a list of tenets and some sort of charter as to the structure of your church ready in case your state asks for it.

Hope this information helps.

[OffWithTheirHeads]

11. Thank you

I think for the puropse of securing fundie money I could start with shit like

1. We accept the truth that G.W is in fact the second cumming of Jesus and denounce any dissent to that fact.

[ayeshahaqqiqa]

32. you could probably find some followers here

when my peace group protested the war in January 2003, one kid came up and told us we'd go to hell because we were defying Bush, "the second coming of Christ".

[autorank]

5. Got it for you: The Universal Life Church

This is a legally incorporated church in, where else, the great state of California. It's been around since the mid sixties!

http://www.ulc.net/

Enjoy and may you have a blessed day.

autorank
Ordained Minister
Universal Life Church

By the way, I expect some more respect around here as I am a man of the cloth.

[OffWithTheirHeads]

12. Did that back in the 60's but

King G won't be giving any money to that group. You gotta spew some hate and stuff to qualify

[Az]

14. Then Discordianism is right up your alley

Discordians hate conservatives. Even have a curse for them. Its called the Turkey Curse. Walk up to a grey suited conservative and go "Gobble Gobble Gobble". Inform them they have been cursed and depart.

[OffWithTheirHeads]

28. Could I just sing a bar of Alice's Restaurant

and depart?

[Az]

44. Na, they have caught on to that one

Gobble Gobble still throws them for a loop.

[autorank]

23. Not that I know of.

They're just an online outfit. They make money on registrations. I don't even think you have to believe in god, let alone Jesus. And, it's legal.

On edit: I did it in the 60's also. In fact, your question inspired me to send them in inquiry about my 'current status.' I don't remember any hate stuff, just a legit minister's license. We, you and I, can marry people! Holy shit (which is the motto of my church).

[OffWithTheirHeads]

30. Actually, I got married by one of the brethren

about 15 years ago, on the beach. Still married to her.

[autorank]

39. Well, see, it works. See my comments on "Bootyism" below.

This may be highly compatible with your religious goals.

[KC21304]

22. The Universal Life Church has " Online Confession "

Now there's an idea whose time has come.

[autorank]

24. I saw that.

Made me laugh. I thought that's what DU was for.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

6. I don't think you have to do anything in particular.

Think up a name, find a meeting place, slap together some kind of doctrine, call yourself the Chief Priest or whatever, and you have a church. Even getting the tax exemption is pretty easy, it just involves filling out some forms. But I'm guessing that in order to get that federal money, your church would have to be of the fundie/evangelical Christian persuasion. I read somewhere that no non-Christian organization has received a single dime.

[OffWithTheirHeads]

25. How about the "church of the burning Bush"?

I can do fundie. All you have to do is spew a lot of hate and lies and say God told you it was so.

[Az]

7. May I recommend a text upon which to base your church

Principia Discordia: Or How I Found the Goddess and What I Did To Her When I Found Her

http://www.ology.org/principia/

[OffWithTheirHeads]

26. Hey, this is pretty good

All I have to do is throw in some hate, Bush, and Jesus.

[I_equals_PRT]

37. very cool. n/t

[GAspnes]

8. Try Church of the Sub-Genius

http://www.subgenius.com/

Should be right up their alley.

[Az]

10. Feh, Bob and his minions are just

offspring of Eris and Principia Discordia. :evilgrin:

[GAspnes]

15. Bah!

The STARK FIST of REMOVAL smite you for saying so.

[Az]

20. Fnord

I bet you eat your hotdogs with buns on. Heretic!

[GAspnes]

45. so you deny the sanctity

of the squizzly mustard, too?

[Az]

64. Condiments are permitted

Even encouraged for some. But buns are taboo in honor of the original snub.

[leanin_green]

13. As a former fundamentalist that. . .

was being groomed for television, I can make this suggestion. If you have any public speaking ability, find a smaller church in need of leadership. Begin by attending services and learning their dogma and scriptural justification. Gradually work your way to the pulpit, positions of leadership and shape the group consciousness. This is how the Reconstructionists and Dominionists have done it. They have overtaken innocent and sincere church goers and their congregations. Most people who attend church are honest in their beliefs and devotion. Not all are rabid fundies.

[readmylips]

27. You can also join a large Fortune 500 church....

volunteer, offer all your time and services and you're in. That's how my cousin did it. He joined the Benny Himmie-Hamma, whatever his name is, he's made my cousin a very rich man. He runs the Teen Challenge Organization in the USA, has his own airplane, all expenses paid, etc.

All my cousin had was a good talk. Learned everything about TV ministers from Graham to Falwell. Learned how the Pentecostal movement got started. Memorized some of the more scary stuff from the Bible to convince people that they needed to give him money or God would kill them. My cousin went from Car Salesman, jewelry salesman, drug dealer to prison minister and Teen Challenge director.

[OffWithTheirHeads]

43. See, a true success story but

I think I would be more comfortable with the church of Benny Hill

[Mist]

61. Your cousin sounds scary

Just my 2 cents, but there are more abandoned churches out there than I'd ever expected. Might make it more believable, and it's a liquid asset, if it doesn't work out.

[Liberal Veteran]

16. If you pay for my HIV meds, I'll gladly join your faith-based org.

:D

[HysteryDiagnosis]

41. Why not trade some meds for something safer and possibly more

effective??

http://search.lef.org/src-cgi-bin/MsmFind.exe?QUERY_ENCODING=UTF-8&CFGNAME=MssFind.cfg&ALLCATS=X&NO_DL=X&CAT_KEY=&AGE_WGT=0&QUERY=hiv


http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/entrez/query.fcgi?cmd=Retrieve&db=pubmed&dopt=Abstract&list_uids=15050105
1: Med Hypotheses. 2004;62(4):549-53. Related Articles, Links
Click here to read
How HIV-1 causes AIDS: implications for prevention and treatment.

Foster HD.

Department of Geography, University of Victoria, PO Box 3050, Victoria BC, Canada V8W 3P5. [e-mail]

HIV-1 encodes for one of the human glutathione peroxidases. As a consequence, as it is replicated, its genetic needs cause it to deprive HIV-1 seropositive individuals not only of glutathione peroxidase, but also of the four basic components of this selenoenzyme, namely selenium, cysteine, glutamine, and tryptophan. Eventually this depletion process causes severe deficiencies of all these substances. These, in turn, are responsible for the major symptoms of AIDS which include immune system collapse, greater susceptibility to cancer and myocardial infarction, muscle wasting, depression, diarrhea, psychosis and dementia. As the immune system fails, associated pathogenic cofactors become responsible for a variety of their own unique symptoms. Any treatment for HIV/AIDS must, therefore, include normalization of body levels of glutathione, glutathione peroxidase, selenium, cysteine, glutamine, and tryptophan. Although various clinical trials have improved the health of AIDS patients by correcting one or more of these nutritional deficiencies, they have not, until the present, been addressed together. Physicians involved in a selenium and amino-acid field trial in Botswana, however, are reporting that this nutritional protocol reverses AIDS in 99% of patients receiving it, usually within three weeks.

Publication Types:

* Review
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PMID: 15050105

[Liberal Veteran]

48. Been taking them for 5 years and they have done a great job.

I don't think it's a smart idea to fuck with what is working for me.

While I don't doubt the use of nutrition AS AN ADJUNCT, I've seen too many people sicken and die trying various nutritional schemes that claim to reverse the damage done by HIV.

[HysteryDiagnosis]

56. 10/4, I hear ya, however, that is but one article of many explaining the

PROVEN benefits of this EXACT intervention. Glad the meds are holding their own with you... be well.

[yella_dawg]

17. Seriously.

It's primarily a matter of wandering through a lot of red tape. The prerequisits are trivial. First you get recognized through your state. Then there is a waiting period, I believe it's two years, before you can apply for federal status.

In general, it's just filing paperwork, there is little actual "proof" needed. A group I'm associated with is in the process in Texas now. We're just about through the waiting period before we can apply for federal religious recognition. Any certifications needed can be had online for the asking, in most cases. Offhand, I don't remember if there are any or what they might be.

[LostInAnomie]

18. First, you need a group of slack jawed rubes...

... Second, some folding chairs.

Third, a garage for them all to meet in.

[OffWithTheirHeads]

31. That's easy

I'll just do missionary work in red states.

[ET Awful]

29. Just take a look at what L. Ron Hubbard did, not only did he figure out

how to become a tax free "church" but he also figured out how to bilk his followers out of billions.

[I_equals_PRT]

33. L Ron's Scientology a lot less bogus than anthropomorphic god in clouds NT

[OffWithTheirHeads]

35. Exactly! Some people will believe anything

I just want Bush to believe in giving me money. How hard can that be?

[I_equals_PRT]

47. In fact they will. I saw a big chunky SUV pull into the mall the other

day, still covered front to rear with Bush/Chaney stickers. I watched a kinda chunky chick who looked like she'd never seen a piece of fruit or the inside of a gym clumsily and tediously park the SUVosaur with the Bush/Chaney sticks still all over it. Now, this is 2 months after election, Bush/Chaney stickers pissed me off in October, but they make me livid now. I was leaning against the exterior wall of one of the stores in the mall, a bookstore, smoking a cigarette, waiting for my shopping daughter. I like to smoke, and I am so liberal I think it's up to me if I smoke, not the governments business. I think my second hand smoke in the great out-of-doors is an imaginary pollutant, vilified only to distract us from the far more dangerous mercury and lead they are allowing in our air and water. So, here I am, Grammy, loitering in the parking lot, having a smoke, watching this chick with big hair struggle to park her monster machine with the insidious evil stickers and she gets out with two young sons, both wearing marine buzz haircuts. They stand on the sidewalk a block or more away from me, and look around as if lost. I couldn't resist. I looked past her, as if speaking to someone behind her, and I yelled..."it's over here!" She turned to look over her shoulder to see who was behind her. Seeing no one behind her, she concluded I must have been speaking to her, and she quickly came directly to me, smiling a vacuous smile all the way. She said "How did you know what I was looking for?" "I didn't", I replied, "but I saw your Bush/Chaney bumper stickers so I knew you'd believe anything and follow anyone. I won't have to feel sorry for YOU when he draft's your sons, but I do feel sorry for your sons." She was rabid, but helpless, the way neocons are without their SUV's on. She sputtered a bit about "living in other countries that are worse" and then hustled her brood away.

[OffWithTheirHeads]

53. Great story

B/C stickers piss me off too. I just put an FW sticker on my work truck and hard hat so they can be pissed off too.

[I_equals_PRT]

65. thanks for doing that! n/t

[ET Awful]

49. I'll take an unseen "god" over thousands of disembodied alien parasites

any day :)

[OffWithTheirHeads]

54. Yeah, I used to take that stuff too but

The alien parasites kept messing up the dripping paisleys so I quit

[ET Awful]

62. LOL . . .

I'm not the one who invented the alien parasites, talk to L. Ron Hubbard. Do a google search on Xemu :)

[HysteryDiagnosis]

34. First you need an enemy, a satan, an adversary, later on, you can realize

that the adversary stares you in the face every morning... but it won't matter as long as you get the church up and running...


http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0092563/
Genre: Horror / Mystery / Thriller (more)

Tagline: It will scare you to your very soul. (more)

Plot Summary: Harry Angel has a new case, to find a man called Johnny Favourite. Except things aren't quite that simple... (more) (view trailer)

User Comments: Excellent, but complex. (more)

[OffWithTheirHeads]

36. No, No, No,

I want money from Bush so I will stick to the boogie men that they already invented. Making up new ones (like the neocon death squad) might jepordize my funding.

[autorank]

38. Here is some doctrine and structure for your church. Very spiritual.

When Gore lost, I needed a new faith so I invented one in a moment of desperate spiritual reverie. Feel free to share the inspiration:

Religion: Bootyism
Ritual: The Booty Call
Holy Day: Any night after 11:00pm
Hymn: Shake Your Booty (or Sheik Ur Bootie)
Dress: Hot pants, go-go boots and tank tops for females; pimp-quality gear for the guys.
We are called: Bootyists

[I_equals_PRT]

51. lol! great religion! n/t

[autorank]

70. Welcome to DU!!! Your sense of humor means you definitely belong here

[I_equals_PRT]

71. ty, ty very much, you are very kind, n/t

[OffWithTheirHeads]

57. See, I think the "sheik" stuff

Might freak out the Bush funding minions.

[autorank]

69. Sheik Yerbouti -- Frank Zappa's Album -- sacred audio space

Frank was a visionary

[JVS]

40. I would suggest joining a church (preferably one with strict doctrine)...

and then deciding to challenge a particular doctrine. break away and start your say Anti-predestination-Dutch-Reformed church and there you are.

[OffWithTheirHeads]

42. Can't do that!

I can't even stand to watch them on T.V. I'm certainlt not gonna hang with em!

[JVS]

46. Actually the ones on TV (non-denominationals) would be very hard to split

away from. The reason being that these churches are very non-doctrinal. They hold that Christ is lord and that he forgives sins, that's about it. You need a more complicated religion that specifies exactly how God works in order to get a good schism going

[TalkingDog]

50. Here are the basics. I have friends who have their own church.

The Church of Earth Healing. You really can't "make" money having your own church. But damn...the tax breaks!


http://www.bizfilings.com/learning/nonprofitfaq.htm

A nonprofit corporation is a corporation formed for purposes other than generating a profit and in which no part of the organization's income is distributed to its directors or officers. Nonprofit corporations are formed under local state law. A nonprofit corporation can be a church or church association, school, charity, medical provider, legal aid society, volunteer services organization, professional association, research institute, museum, or in some cases a sports association. Nonprofit corporations must apply for tax-exempt status at both the federal and state level.

The first step is to file nonprofit articles of incorporation with the proper state agency. It is important that the articles contain the required clauses to make sure your articles will qualify for tax-exempt status. Business Filings Incorporated prepares and files nonprofit articles of incorporation.

After the nonprofit articles are filed, tax-exempt status must be applied for at both the federal and state levels. To apply at the federal level, a timely filing of form 1023 must be made. Business Filings does not prepare IRS form 1023. To determine what form needs to be filed at the state level, contact the state department that deals with taxation.

The corporation must comply with corporate formalities and hold annual meetings of directors and members. Bylaws must be adopted for the corporation. Documents that help you comply with these corporate formalities are contained in Business Filings' corporate kit.

To qualify for federal tax-exempt status under 501(c)(3) of the federal tax code, the nonprofit corporation must be organized and operate for some religious, charitable, educational, literary, or scientific purpose permitted under this section of the code. Nonprofit corporations may also be formed for other purposes pursuant to different sections of the IRS code. To qualify for federal tax-exempt status as a nonprofit under a different section of the code, your corporation must comply with the requirements of that federal tax code section.

The religious category refers to general types of religious organizations and more formal institutionalized churches.

Charitable purpose is defined in section 501(c)(3) as providing services beneficial to the public interest.

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The purpose must be listed in the articles of incorporation; therefore, it is very important that the purpose of the corporation be well described in the articles of incorporation. Additionally, certain states require approvals from state departments prior to approving the formation of a nonprofit corporation. One example of this is New York. New York often requires one or several departmental approvals based on the business purpose of the prospective nonprofit corporation. Please keep in mind that there may be additional time required to obtain these approvals, and additional fees charged. This varies by state. If you would like Business Filings to obtain these approvals on behalf of your prospective nonprofit corporation, the fee is $100 per approval.

For a specific answer to whether or not your company’s purpose is acceptable to be classified as a nonprofit corporation, contact an attorney or accountant.

Business Filings Incorporated prepares articles of incorporation for nonprofit corporations pursuant to section 501(c)(3) of the IRS code. Nonprofits formed under 501(c)(3) must be formed for some religious, charitable, educational, literary, or scientific purpose.

Nonprofit corporations may also be formed for other purposes pursuant to different sections of the IRS code. If you want Business Filings to form your nonprofit pursuant to a different provision of the IRS code, please let us know the code section in the purpose portion of our order form.

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For specific advice, please consult an attorney or accountant.

For a nonprofit company to qualify for 501(c)(3) federal tax-exempt status, a timely filing of IRS form 1023 must be made.

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However, the only way to be assured that the IRS views the corporation as a 501(c)(3) tax-exempt group. is to file for tax-exempt status. If the IRS successfully challenges your corporation’s tax-exempt status, your corporation may be subject to back taxes and tax fines for the period it operated as a corporation. It is always advisable to discuss your particular situation with an attorney or accountant.

[OffWithTheirHeads]

52. Thank you! All kidding aside

This is what I was looking for.

[DS1]

55. You mean a Church other than The Church of DS1? Sorry, I've

forbidden such actions.

[OffWithTheirHeads]

58. Fair enough but

Are you getting any $$ from the Bush Faith based Funding monkeys? If not, you don't count. Only people who know how to con the monkeys need apply.

[KansDem]

59. When it comes time, I can get you some good snakes for handling...

Cheap!

Well, not really cheap, but I can buy them cheap and charge you a bundle! You get the money from the government to pay for them and I make it worth you while!

Know what I mean? ;)

SATISFIED CUSTOMERS

Thanks, KansDem. Them's fine looking serpents!

[OffWithTheirHeads]

60. Say Hallelujah brother

You are on exactly the same wavelength. I am sure the church can find a position for you. Perhaps on our new 50' yacht, er, I mean floating donation center.

[OffWithTheirHeads]

63. Well, this was fun but i gotta go prey or somthin

Thanks for all the help.

[Parche]

66. church

We need a lot of Pews for our new church

Hal E. Lewya

[johnaries]

67. about.com is your friend, with several websites to help....

http://search.about.com/fullsearch.htm?terms=starting%20a%20church

[OffWithTheirHeads]

72. again, thank you so much

Despite all the rhetoric, I really am serious about this.

[greendog]

68. Start? Does anyone know how to STOP a church?

n/t

[OffWithTheirHeads]

73. Once again, I'm thinking

lion food