You might be a neocon/freeper if....

[Psst_Im_Not_Here]

On one of my forums someone posted a "You know your a lib if..." thread with stuff like:

"If you think the best way to care about a disease is to wear a ribbon...

If you think that pouring blood on a $1, 500 fur coat is a sure-fire way to get your message across, but if anyone protests outside an abortion clinic, they're extremists...

If you think the New York Times is fair and balanced, but Fox News is ultra right-wing..."

So, I thought it might be fun to come up with our own "list".

What do ya think?

[jobycom]

1. Nah. Freepers can't read big words.

[Psst_Im_Not_Here]

3. Awww, come on it would be fun

I could use some fun. Maybe I should post it in the lounge?

[BayouBengal07]

2. Here's one

For the sake of future peace, you start a preemptive war.

[Psst_Im_Not_Here]

4. Good one!

1. For the sake of peace, you start a pre-emptivee war.

[mzteris]

5. You might be a neocon/freeper if....

you thinnk making fun of others is a blood sport.

[opiate69]

6. here's one..

"if you think the best way to support the troops is to slap a chinese-made ribbon on the back of your SUV"

[Arkana]

7. Sure. Sounds like fun.

You might be a Freepazoid/neocon if...

...you believe that evolution is junk science, but stories about how God created the world in six days should be taught in schools.

... you think the government has no right to infringe on your personal life, but it's OK for them to pass the Patriot Act, which, um...lets them read your personal information, track which sites you've accessed on the Internet, and even which books you've checked out of the library.

...you believe that a man who sat and read a book to kindergarten kids on 9/11 is the best man to protect you from terrorist attacks.

...you believe it's an impeachable offense for a President to lie about getting a blowjob in the Oval Office, but it's perfectly all right for a President to lie about intelligence and dupe the country into war.

...you can dismiss anyone who disagrees with you about the Iraq War as a "pussy liberal commie" but show your "support" by slapping a magnetic ribbon on the back of your SUV.

...you think that a story about a boy wizard who defeats an evil Dark Lord is blasphemy, but stories about a man who can walk on water and turn one fish and loaf into many are perfectly feasible.

...you support the right of an unborn fetus to live, but not Alzheimer's patients, cancer patients, and the troops in Iraq.

[FearofFutility]

18. I'm impressed!

Great list. :applause:

[Arkana]

25. I got a lot more where those came from.

You might be a Freepazoid/Neocon/Fundy Nutcase if...

...you belong to the world's largest religion, yet you claim that because you aren't allowed to force your religion on others that you are being "discriminated against."

...you believe that two gay people getting married is wrong and immoral, but two straight people who marry and divorce 60 gazillion times and have 8 billion kids are A-OK.

...you think we shouldn't trade with Cuba because they're Communist, but trading with China and Vietnam is "good for world markets."

...you voted for George W. Bush on the sole belief that John Kerry (or Al Gore) would take your damn gun away.

...you think that a party of House ethics violators, doctors who make diagnoses based on videotapes, creeps who leave their wives on their deathbeds, and fat liars who have been married four times yet preach about the "sanctity of marriage" is the party of "moral values."

...you believe that the public had a right to know EVERYTHING Bill and Hillary Clinton before he became governor, but what George W. Bush was doing between 1972 and 1974 is irrelevant.

[Sayitisntso]

8. Argue that you want smaller government...

...while increasing it's size and spending to unprecedented levels.

[newyawker99]

32. Hi Sayitisntso!!

Welcome to DU!! :toast:

[personman]

9. Youuuuuuuuuuuuu might be a freeper, if...

you simultaneously wrap yourself in the flag while destroying everything it stands for.

Not so much "HaHa" funny as..."the world is going to hell so lets enjoy the ride" funny.

[LeftyMom]

10. You believe in the "culture of life,"

but you also collect guns and love a nice juicy steak.

[Sayitisntso]

11. Pass the "Clean Air Act"...

...that loosens controls on polluters.

[jmcon007]

12. ok......just made this one up

You might be a neocon/freeper if you learned that Terri Schaivo was a neocon, that her autopsy showed half a brain and your response is, "What's your point?"

I tearfully apologize to those I may have offended.

[Aviation Pro]

13. You know you're a Freeper/Neo-con if....

....you think you own a business because you're an Amway distributor.

....rivulets of sweat pour down your fat face whenever you draw a breath.

....you need "Daddy's little helper" to, um, raise the crane, and you're not to sure it works because your beer gut eclipses any view.

....even morons shun you.

....your adult daughters, who've graduated from college, still suck at your teet and refuse to find jobs. Or enlist and serve.

....your wife sucks down Xanax and cigarettes as part of her daily diet in order to dull the pain.

....your wife is a known drug smuggler.

....the one daughter you have who has actually done something in her life is hidden away because of her sexual orientation.

....your daughter is a convicted crack addict.

....your son is a loud-mouthed drunk who should be totalling the car anytime soon.

....your battle-axe of a mother looks like a cross between a teamster and Popeye.

and

....you know your Dad gets some on the side for the above reason and because of that lost weekend in a Mexican brothel.

[Auntie Bush]

14. You're a Freeper if you're stupid and gullible and lack critical thinking.

[Seeker30]

15. You might be a repuke if

You might be a republican if you remember laughing once as a kid.

You might be a republican if you fax the FBI a list of "Commies in my Neighborhood."

You might be a republican if you won't let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and Ernie of "sexual deviance."

You might be a republican if you try to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.

You might be a republican if you believe the "greenhouse effect" means better gardens.

You might be a republican if you believe God is everywhere - except in your motel room.

[Cats Against Frist]

28. You might be a freeper if

...You consider the "free market" to mean that the Federales arrest Gramma for trying to get cheap drugs from Canada.

...Your moral compass stops at the U.S. border.

...you don't know that the founders were the original "liberal elite."

...you love big government when YOUR party is the big government.

...you seek to amend the Constitution every time the Chimperor lets a beer fart.

...if you think perpetual logical fallacy, sensationalism and whining passes for political discourse.

...You can't see the devil on Pat Robertson's shoulder, for the glare of his diamond suit.

...your Jesus wears a crown of dollar signs.

...Your tastebuds are set to "fried" or "gravy."

...You think skanky country music chicks are really hot.

...you're too fat to fit in a regular-sized car.

...all irony is lost on you.

...you think you'll look "rich" if you vote Republican.

...you dream about getting it up the ass from Ann Coulter's "angry three inches," and that scares you, so you overcompensate by being homophobic.

...you're cowering in a closet, right now, with an AK and a picture of Sean Hannity, worrying about when the next Islamofascist, commie, feminist or homosexual is going to jump out of your next McFlurry and try to take away the light-up baby Jesus, from your plastic nativity scene.

[Stirk]

16. ... you think locking people up without trials is a part of

"spreading democracy".

... you think Jesus, patriotism, and free trade have anything to do with each other.

[assclown_bush]

17. You might be a freeper,

If you oppose "gay marriage", think that gays are doomed to hell, and are ever vigilant of a "homosexual agenda"....................
but....................
You respect and support Jeff Gannon, Mayor West of Spokane and Arthur Finkelstein. Those self-loathing gays, YOU LOVE!!!

IMPEACH ASSCLOWN BUSH

[HughBeaumont]

19. You might be a freeptard if

You believe that the way to your economic prosperity is giving the ultra-rich MORE cash.

You believe stem-cell research is an abomination but find the creation of a woman via a man's limb is perfectly plausible.

You own the following three at once: W'04 swastika; Yeller ribbon; SUV; and the irony completely escapes you.

You STILL think that the corporate-owned media is slanted in favor of liberals.

You scream "LIBERAL BASTARD" at the top of your lungs at the thought of taxes being raised to help schools, roads and infrastructure here, but find the idea of wasting billions upon billions to "fuck up sum camel jockeys" is more or less OK in your book.

Individual with brown skin, regardless of nation = terrorist.

You STILL believe Republicans are eternal victims despite their undisputed control in nearly every sector of government and corporations.

Saudi Arabian + Egyptian = Iraqi.

You find nothing at all wrong with a leader who lies to you about wasting YOUR tax dollars to attack a nation that did nothing to us, does absolutely nothing as innocent people are dying in burning towers, stifles independent investigations about that terrible event, attacks politicians who fought bravely in conflict which NOT ONE PERSON of his administration served in, admits not ONE mistake, says the same three things Rove-prepared for him over and over and over again and is nothing but a willing hand-puppet to Captain Pacemaker and his bloodthirsty greedbag cabal.

You see NOTHING wrong with giving up liberty for security . . . at ALL.

[Blue Belle]

20. You might be a freeper if...

you blame the Liberal Environmentalists because you lost your job.

you "Support" the troops by slapping yellow ribbon magnets on your school-bus sized Ford "Ostentatious" and the matching jet skis that you tow behind it.

you think that the founding fathers meant for there to be no separation of church and state.

you think that PBS and NPR are too liberal.

you think that welfare and section 8 housing should be eliminated because it only encourages the poor to live off the state and have more babies.

You think that a woman loses her right to make her own reproductive decisions once she agrees to have sex.

You think the actions of George W. Bush are the acts of a good Christian.

[Raiden]

21. If you believe Noah put two of every animal in the ark...

If you believe homosexuals are inferior...

If you believe Clinton's penis is dangerous to America...

If you believe free speech is dangerous...

If you support the war, but not enough to enlist...

If you think supporting the war means supporting the troops...

If you believe the government should have jurisdiction over a woman's reproduction...

If you believe war breeds peace...

If you believe Republicans are trustworty...

If you think the poor "brought it upon themselves"...

If you think the government is too hard on the rich...

If you believe in a "culture of life" but support the death penalty...

If you oppose stem-cell research...

If you oppose energy reform...




That's all I can think of right now...

[proud2BlibKansan]

22. You might be a freeper if

you spell lose as loose
and
whining as whinning.

[darkism]

23. About the original: The NY Times isn't balanced...

...it's a right-wing rag.

[justgamma]

24. You might be a freeper if

you want the government to tell you who you can or can't marry.

if you think it's ok for big business to default on their obligations, but the poor better come up with the cash.

you think SS will not pay out when you retire, but the government will not default on the loan from China.

you think Michael Moore is one of the Hollywood elite, but Arnold is a politician.

you think Hollywood is evil and go ahead and elect Reagan, Arnold, and Fred Thompson.

[Psst_Im_Not_Here]

26. LMAO

You guys are comedians right? This is too much fun. I have tears running down my face right now. These are great!

[cynatnite]

27. You might be a freeper if

you look back at the Clinton years as eight years of hell.

you support a president who doesn't know the meaning of the word 'sovereign'.

you call facts liberal because it doesn't go to your 'right' way of thinking

[Ioo]

29. You might be...

if you think the best way to save social security is to cut taxes to the rich.

You think the best way to solve the mess in Iraq is to cut taxes to the rich.

Best way to protect our troops is to cut taxes to the rich.

Best way to fight the war of terror is to cut taxes to the rich.

is to cut taxes to the rich.
is to cut taxes to the rich.
is to cut taxes to the rich.
is to cut taxes to the rich.

[Ariana Celeste]

30. I thought most of these were pretty funny..

but I have to say, some of them made me laugh for an entirely different reason. That being, for instance, every drug user I know (and yes that includes a couple of former crack addicts) is liberal.
In my family of alcoholics, only 3 are loud and proud Republicans- 2 of them don't smoke, drink, or use drugs- the other one can't vote so his politics are moot. I have a Southern Baptist in my family who voted for Kerry because she hates the fact we are in Iraq and believes Bush fakes his religious affiliation. My brother and I were raised in trailer parks, by alcoholics, have both used numerous drugs, are both *also* alcoholics, and we are both very liberal. So I guess that is all "haha I'm glad we didn't turn out that way" funny? :P

Other than that, great stuff! :7

[NMMNG]

31. You might be a neocon/freeper if...

You think a school health class mentioning that some people are homosexual is "enforced homosexuality". However you want science classes to tell students that Evolution is "only a theory" and to give Creationism equal billing, and don't call that "enforced religiosity".

You want public prayer/school prayer/public monuments to religion, etc., but you mean YOUR RELIGION, not religions in general. If you see some "freaky witch crap/hippy Buddhist garbage/bleeping Muslim stuff" in YOUR public park you're gonna have a COW MAN!

You say you promote a "culture of life" while being pro-death penalty, pro-gun, pro-hunting, anti-Social Security and anti-stem-cell research.

You say you are "pro-family" yet are opposed to any aid programs designed to assist families in need.

You are rabidly pro-war, but won't go near a recruiting station.