OK, so what's a good liberal to teach their kids about sex and morality?

[funflower]

Beyond the biological facts, how to prevent STD's and such.

I've moved past the knee-jerk "Just Say No" response, but I'm not sure what I should put in its place.

[tk2kewl]

1. If you've already told them how to be safer

i guess all that is left is to tell them to do what feels right, not just what feels good. examine their own and their partners motives and make sure they are the same.

on edit... i don't have kids, so wtf do i know, just my 2 cents

[funflower]

11. Good point, and something kids can relate to, I think!

[DanCa]

2. Hmm tricky question.

I dont have kids so I do not know what to say. I would like to think if i had the chance to parent I would fully tell the kid that it takes two to make a baby. And if the kids a male and that its his responsibilty as much as hers. Thats all I can think of right now.

[Proud_Lefty]

3. I'm having the same problem

My daughter is 15 and I'm trying to talk honestly about sex with her, even though I'm scared of it and feel on very shakey grounds. I've told her that once sex is brought into a relationship or situation, all the dynamics change and it's hard for someone not to get hurt, especially the girl. I encourage her to make close friends with the boys her age, and try to make as many buddies as she can. They stick around longer and respect the girl. I told her that the initial time for having sex can be very painful and personally, I'm fearful that she'll physically be hurt and not know how to tell the boy to stop. She has told me that when people say "abstinence is the way to do it", she feels insulted. If they spoke realistically about the real boundaries that kids can keep, then the kids stand a better chance of knowing better. But when it's your own kid, it's pretty scary.

[cynatnite]

4. always leave the lines of communication open

That's been one of the biggest things when it came to talking to my kids. When I told them about sex I was very frank and didn't pull any punches. I figure if I dance around it and get nervous, they would too and wouldn't come to me if they needed to.

I put in an area where it's something safe that they can come to me with. It's worked out well. Our oldest came to me when she was 17 and asked for birth control. I was happy to make sure she saw a doctor and got some.

I never use 'just say no'. I think it's lame and short-sighted.

on edit: I never punished my oldest one when she came to me about it. We talked quite a bit and she felt confident that she was doing what she wanted. Who am I to argue? I lost my virginity at 17. My mother refused to give me birth control. It would be giving permission. That was when I decided I wouldn't do that with my kids.

[Kraklen]

5. Everything they want to know.

If they're old enough to ask, they're old enough to know.

Then tell them extra, just to be on the safe side.

[getmeouttahere]

6. Listen, answer their questions.....be there for them....

kids are going to make mistakes whether you like it or not, you can't prevent it. But what I've seen and learned over the years is that if you are there for them, all the time, they will trust you and keep you "in the loop", confide in you, and maybe that will minimize or even eliminate the mistakes.

My parents were pretty lenient, but they were also always there for me, and knew what I was doing virtually all the time because I trusted them.

[Heddi]

7. This is how my mom did it

She never told me that Sex was bad or dirty, or that I should be ashamed for my body, my feelings, and what I liked or didn't like.

She also stressed that masturbation was normal (I'm a girl, and never knew that it was okay for girls to do that, just boys)

She stressed that having sex isn't just an act--it's a committment. You have to be sure that you're well prepared for ALL situations to occur-not just pregnancy or STD...

what if you like the guy and have sex with him, and he treats you like shit the next day? What if he spreads rumours about you? What if you have sex with him and you don't like him but he keeps hounding you?

She really stressed to me that she knew, as a growing person, I was going to do things that she specifically warned me against doing--drugs, drinking, sex, etc. She also stressed that, under no circumstances, was I ever to be afraid of her 'getting mad' if I found myself in a bad situation and needed her help to get out, even if I lied to her about where I was or what I was doing.

This was years before Cellphones were anything other than large boxes bolted to the console of the car, so she couldn't give me a cellphone, but she did give me 3 quarters to carry with me at all times--one to call her, one to call the police, and one to call my grandparents if she wasn't around.

I guess she was just open with me. She taught me age-appropriate sex-ed from the time I could talk through adulthood. She always allowed ME to answer questions, and always let me know that she was just as embarassed having to talk about this as I was having to listen to it.

She told me if I ever had any questions to come and ask her, and that she wouldn't judge me or laugh at me for what I asked. She'd never get mad at me if I wanted to get on birth control, and in fact TOLD Me that she'd rather me be on birth control before I ever had sex rather than find myself in a situation where a spur-of-the-moment decision was being made (sex in a car, etc) and I was unprepared and unplanned.

She got me one of those "Your Bodies, YourSelf" books that answered alot of questions that I was either too embarassed to ask, or didn't even know I should ask about.

And she had an open door policy. She was great about it too. If I was out drinking at 17 when I was supposed to be at a friends house and came home shitfaced, she would tell me that I was putting myself in a bad situation, because I could loose control of my own reaction time and not be able to handle situations as I could if I was sober. She'd let me know I did the wrong thing, but I didn't get grounded or a lecture or anything like I would if I got caught cutting school, or failing a report card.

In her mind, she would have rather me done drugs and drink at home, where she could watch me and KNOW if something bad was happening, than to be out with equally immature 17 year olds who really don't have that great of judgement and logic skills SOBER< much less drunk and high.

In fact, I smoked many joints with my mom and took acid with her when I was 21. It was a safe environment, and I knew that I could count on her to look after my best interests---I can't say the same for my friends at the time, who had habits of leaving people to roll around in their own vomit rather than pick them up and take them home--all for the fear of GETTING IN TROUBLE>

Be honest.
Be open.
Don't bullshit. They'll see through it in a HEARTBEAT.

Don't do the melodrama about "if you do drugs, your eyes will fall out and you'll be homeless"---
Just be straight up. Treat the kid (even if they're 7), like they're alot more emotionally mature than they are. Talk up to them, not down.

Just be normal.

[Tsiyu]

8. That everything you do has consequences

and sex is fabulous and wonderful and they will reach a point when they will want to have some. Now that they know the facts about human reproduction and birth control, it's time to discuss the ethics.

I don't know what your ethics are, funflower, but the speech I give ( and still give and will always give) is that "no" means "no," that before having sex I hope they will examine their reasons why.

(Give examples here: doing it to keep a boyfriend/girlfriend happy? doing it because of peer pressure? Discuss the pros and cons of the variety of reasons teens feel pressured )

To me personally, I say, I feel it is best to really care about someone and to want to engage in sex as a way to show that I care. But people do not have to care about you to have sex with you, so please do not confuse sex with affection or love.

I also have always reminded them that sex is a trick nature plays. It feels so good, you forget its power to also create life, and if they are in a heterosexual relationship, there is always a possibility of conception. "So before you take the plunge, think about whether this person would make a good parent for your child."

It's a scare tactic to some, but to me it's freakin' reality. I do not lie to my kids. I want them to be aware of all consequences.

I also sometimes add the speeches/lectures about not leading people on, not supporting guys who dis women, helping out gals who might be at risk of getting raped at parties. The talks run the gamut around here, but we are very open and honest. Not all parents can handle the level of discussion around here...

[funflower]

10. Extremely well said. Thanks. Great insights.

I hope I can be that open and also encourage thinking about the many associated moral issues, not just the "to do it - not to do it" question.

[Tsiyu]

32. Why, thank you

It's hard to imagine your kids being "sexual" - almost as hard as imagining your parents "doing it." LOL

I guess I just never wanted my kids to be clueless prey or wanton users, so I came up with 'the talk' from those angles and just made myself get past my initial embarassment.
Y
ou'll do fine because you're getting some good advice here AND you care enough to ask for help with this most puzzling and intimidating task of parenthood! :)

[dddem]

9. The 3 things I've already told my daughter...

The kids at school are into oral sex and "friends with benefits". I have told her that under no circumstances is she to buy into the line that it's "no big deal". I told her it IS a big deal, and she needs to think very hard about being with boys. I explained that no matter how much times have changed, some things never change.
Back in the 3rd grade, my daughter found out about Santa Claus. I use that a lot now. Whenever we're talking about the next step, I remind her of how she felt the Christmas she found out. I asked her to remember how it was still fun, but a little dissappointing. I told her that there are certain steps you take from childhood to adulthood, and there's no turning back once you've started the journey. I think it's kept her from being TOO curious. I remind her that she's going to be an adult a lot longer then she'll be a kid.
The third thing I talk to my kids about is to remind them (although I don't really know if it matters)that there is nothing they are going to go through that I haven't already gone through.
My biggest fear with my daughter's is not that they might make errors, I'm sure they will. My worry is that they won't talk to me if they need help. I try to keep communications open.
Good luck. I'm sure we (and our kids) will get through this growing up stuff!

[esvhicl]

12. Honesty

I have two teen-aged sons and my best advice to them was to be honest. Don't lie to a girl and tell her you care about her, just so you can get into her pants. I hope they listen.

My nineteen year old son is in a committed relationship and we allow his girlfriend to spend the night. Her parents hate us for it, but what are the kids supposed to do--have sex in a car? Besides, it's their daughter, if they aren't happy with her behaviour then why are we the scapegoats?

[funflower]

17. Not to mention they're adults, and it's really their decision now.

[Ian David]

13. That's easy. Don't date Republicans

[funflower]

15. LOL!

:rofl:

[Raiden]

14. Just tell them to be safe and make good choices

Make sure to be there if they ever need someone to talk to. If you trust them, they'll more then likely come to you for guidance.

[funflower]

16. I DO trust them. Maybe that's a core liberal value. We trust our kids.

[Raiden]

18. I figured you did!!

Liberals are gifted parents - it's in our genes :toast:

[stevans_41902]

27. I think that eveyone is giving great advice -

my parents were always too uncomfortable to talk to me about sex and I have never felt like I could go to them with my problems. They have always been pretty judgemental so I don't think they want me polluting their mind with bad images.
I think you have to make sure your kids dont have sex just because they are afraid of being the last virgin in their group of friends or because 'its what everyones doing'. I think its great to tell your boys that they should not lie to girls or tell them they love them just to get laid. I knew a lot of girls who were looking for emotional connection when they had sex and ended up hurt when they found out they had been lied to for sex.
I know people may disagree with me, but personally I believe in holding off on sex for a while so I know that the guy's intentions are true and they are not just looking for a quick lay. (if that is the case they will be out of there pretty fast if you don't give in to their pressures.) I think a guy worth keeping will always be patient with you when it comes to sex. I am a pretty emotional person so I knew I could never have a one night stand with no strings attached and feel good about myself. I hope this doesn't sound preechy to anyone, I think the most important part is that the 2 people involved are having sex for the same reasons and they are using birth control/condoms.

[funflower]

29. This is a gem!

"I think the most important part is that the 2 people involved are having sex for the same reasons and they are using birth control/condoms."

[prodigal_green]

19. My mother told me

to respect myself and not do something just because I think everybody else is doing it. She gave me the same advice about drinking.

Basically she said I should love the person and know that he has my best interests at heart. I was a senior in college btw, when that finally happened and compared to a lot of stories I've heard from friends, it was a really good experience. She also told me to be careful about disease and pregnancy (this was only a couple of years into the AIDS crisis). As a result, I was prepared when the time came and twenty years later have avoided both pregnancy and disease.

She's an old Catholic lefty.

Tell children the scientific and emotional truth and explain what your family's moral/religious stance on the issue is. Scare tactics don't work and just turn people into sexual neurotics.

[Raiden]

21. That's great advice!

Your mom sounds like a wonderful person

[Ian David]

22. No kidding. I had two very sexually mis-informed girlfriends in my time

One girl had a mom who wouldn't sign the sex-ed permission slip. She didn't know:
1) Certain things are supposed to feel good for her.
2) If something hurts, tell me.
3) You can't get pregnant from giving oral sex.

There was another girl in college who's mom had told her, "No matter how bad it itches, don't touch yourself 'down there.'"

That just didn't serve her well later in life.

And then there was THIS girl...

[Ian David]

20. I had to give "the talk" to my wife's younger brother. It was her idea

It was much easier than it will ever be when I need to have "the talk" with my own daughter.

Besides, looking at my brother-in-law I never imagined he'd ever actually have sex anyway <shudder>.

I tried to give him all the usual sex and relationship things I could think of. Plus a few of my own pointers, like, "If you take a girl to dinner, and you think you're going to kiss her but you won't have time to brush your teeth after you eat, make sure you order the same thing she does. That way, your breath won't seem as stinky."

As for oral sex, I told him, "You'll figure it out as you go, but at first just do what George Carlin says and 'lick the alphabet.' After you do lowercase-i a few times, I think you'll get the basics."

I also told him that if he needed "the other talk" (about boys), I could give him some advice, but I'd have to refer him to someone "better qualified."

And God help us all, I set him loose upon the world.

[funflower]

23. I think I'll have to skip the part about the alphabet.

The kids will just have to read about that in Cosmo or somewhere!

:blush:

[seabeyond]

24. i am finding that it is all just falling as the kids want it to

we are close, we talk about a lot, my oldest is modest my youngest not. my youngest wants to know all, the female body parts, and what is suppose to happen lol at 7. told him to go talk to dad. my oldest, 10, will bring something up. he was talking abortion, saw a damn bumpersticker. so we had to talk that. in talking about that, had to open to why women may get an abortion, and the responsibility of having sex, using birth control, then all the way to condoms to protect from disease

i couldnt cut it short. it all fed the other and i felt if i stopped short i wasnt being responsible in teaching responsible.

i have never held to the just say no

we all remember when we were young, doesnt work like that. i do talk about what a relationship is, being old enough to even date, let alone sex. we start with how we treat others, how we expect to be treated, what we want in life

but ultimately, all this is my boys to do. really isnt my business. i didnt think it was my parents business when i was a teen

how old are yours.

i think they will ask as they mature, what info they are ready for.

my son is so modest, prim and proper, i have become a bit crude, just to condition him a bit, so he isnt so judgemental. just odd the way it all works in parenting. each child unique

[funflower]

26. My kids are the same age as yours.

I think it's common for kids this age to be a bit judgmental.

The only issue we've really had to "wrestle" with so far is same-sex marriage, as it was a major ballot issue here last fall, and the kids saw a lot of yard signs that they asked about.

[seabeyond]

30. abortion and homosexuality i had to discuss with kids

before their time, because,/.......hollywood, oh no.....bush and the fundies and their posters. he picked up on it from the torture pictures he saw on the news too. the first comment out of sons mouth, eeew. but then i went into talk about god made gays, part of nature in all species, who am i to question. my son immediately saw how unfair it was to judge. then since thruout the campaign and gay marriage issue, he saw how the repugs were using to discriminate. and it was for him another example of the ugly the republicans were being.

we have a couple gays in my family. edmund loves them. there arent going to be any issues. we do not talk about their sexual interaction, it is enough to say, they are attracted to same sex, and others are attracked to opposite sex.

it isnt an issue in our house.

[IdaBriggs]

25. Aunt Ida's Common Sense Information for Teenagers

1) A good relationship involves ALL OF YOU -- that means MENTALLY, EMOTIONALLY, SPIRITUALLY, as well as PHYSICALLY. Any relationship that doesn't involve ALL of these aspects of both parties isn't going to last. While we are biologically programmed to want to procreate (which is why physical touch from non-blood people feels good/passion is great), Smart People Are Picky; the best sex is with someone you can actually by INTIMATE with in ALL facets of your life. (Who wants to pretend to be someone you aren't when you are naked?) When checking for compatibility, do the Mental Test (brains!) first, then the Emotional (trustworthy?), followed by the Spiritual (compatible?) check BEFORE the Physical Chemistry Test to avoid the most heartache.

2) Abuse / Addiction / Adultery -- RUN LIKE HELL, especially if it pops up in the beginning of a relationship. Energy spent dealing with these issues is unavailable for anything else; don't waste it. There are plenty of "good" people out there who DON'T need to be "fixed" so find one of them instead. Remember that "like attacts like" so make sure you aren't in need of 'fixing' either!

3) "Dating" is really another name for a serious JOB INTERVIEW. Dig deep, and decide if you really want your children to be 'just like' the other person, because "accidents" happen. Are they honest? Do they have a good work ethic? Can you trust them? Are they responsible? Etc. If you aren't rejecting a lot of people, you probably aren't being strict enough in your criteria; if you wouldn't trust this person for a job, why trust them with your heart?

4) Money DOES Matter. Its not romantic, but its true. Women need to make sure that if something happens while they are pregnant (complete bed rest, or a premature baby, for example), then their partner can make sure there is going to be a roof over their heads, while Men need to be able to be confident that their spouses can "step up" if 'something bad' happens. Therefore, a good work ethic, a responsible attitude toward money (picture one partner raiding the bank account for concert tickets when the rent isn't paid, for example), AND marketable skills FOR BOTH PEOPLE are absolute requirements. This really means you want to sleep with AN ADULT instead of A CHILD, and its a serious criteria.

5) If you can't afford birth control, you can't afford a baby. If you can't talk about condoms, you don't trust each other enough to have 'good' sex. And since people will sometimes lie to impress each other, especially when they first meet, NEVER believe 'it doesn't matter because....' ANYONE who would ask you to put YOUR SAFETY and YOUR FUTURE AT RISK for an orgasm or two ISN'T worth it.

6) For girls, they need to get that MEN WANT TO SLEEP WITH THEM, and being flattered by someone's eagerness to see you naked isn't a good enough reason to do it. Reverse the statement for boys; wanting to see a woman naked is a normal thing, and just because someone is willing to have sex doesn't mean its a good idea. (See above)

7) NEVER FAKE AN ORGASM. If it isn't good, share that with your partner so it can get better. It WILL get better with practice, but if your partner doesn't care about your satisfaction, DUMP THEM.

And finally, 8) Marry your best friend, then STAY FRIENDS by BEING A FRIEND. Stay honest, even when its unpleasant. Stay trustworthy, even when its embarrassing or uncomfortable. Stay kind, even when you are mad. Be quick with an apology when you have not been your best, and be forgiving when your partner isn't perfect. Take five minutes every day to look deeply into your lover's eyes, and remember what a wonderful person you are lucky enough to share your life with....

(Disclaimer: Yes, I'm a prude in a lot of ways, and not everyone will agree with me; its free advice, and I'm not interested in arguing about it.) :)

[funflower]

28. That's awesome, Ida! You should write an advice column!

[GoneOffShore]

31. Make sure that they read

Savage Love every week. They'll learn some weird stuff, but they'll also get a handle on relationships that Dear Abby would never give them.
And it might steer them away from the weird stuff.

[funflower]

33. Sorry. Never of heard of that out here in the provinces....

Is this something you suggest for a pre-teen, or something they'll discovery on their own someday in a dorm room...?

[johnaries]

34. To quote some comedian I can't remember, there is no User's

Manual.
You do the best you can and that's all you can do.

My advice would be to teach them first to be considerate of others.

Second, that actions have consequences, and we can't always predict what the consequences may be. Either be prepared to accept the worst possible consequences, or just don't take the chance in the first place.

Lastly, that you love them, because they are who they are. I can't tell you how many people I've known who totally screwed up thir lives because their parents threatened to with-hold love (or, atleast that's what the child felt).

Now, finding the balance between teaching your child the difference "I love you no matter what" and "I am not a door mat" is a very gray area that may take a lot of trial and error.

But, I can tell you that I know a lot more people that screwed up their lives by rebelling against overly protective parents than I know whose parents helped them figure it out on their own.

Of course, I am NOT talking about the spoiled brats whose parents "fixed" everything and never had to face consequences of any kind.

You'll figure it out eventually. As long as you teach them the basics you'll be fine.

And one day they'll completely disappoint you and break your heart like no one has ever been able to before.

Sorry, that does sound kinda depressing. Take lots of Pictures! Laugh now, every chance you get! Life is good as long as you let it...

[OneBlueSky]

35. sex is good . . . just be safe and responsible . . .

and never let yourself be pressured into doing something you don't want to do, aren't ready for, or just aren't comfortable with . . . by anyone . . .

[Algomas]

36. Have plenty of each, of course!

[funflower]

37. Ha! That's good advice in a lot of areas of life!

[BiggJawn]

38. "Treat people the way YOU want to be treated"

And "Remember how your ex-stepmother treated your dad? That's Not Nice, either..."

And...

"There's nothing wrong with just getting your rocks off, as long as the guy knows that's all he's there for..."