Revealed: Bush's pre-war Message to the Iraqis

[muriel_volestrangler]

Dear Afghanistanis Iraqis,
I'm pleased to inform you that the Afghan Iraq household has been chosen from our extensive database of eligible targets partners for democracy, for the Grand Prize Nation Building Country Reconstruction Draw!

Yes, you have definitely won one of the following prizes!

• Aerial Bombardment of Your Whole Country, whether military-related or not
  
• Arming of Internal Warlords
  
• Infiltration by unaccountable CIA operatives
  
• Hurried ground war to secure the best photo ops (rest assured, your arms dumps will be left untouched)
  
• Bogus story of heroic soldier, hand-crafted by the top Hollywood screen writers
  

Or maybe you'll win them all! If you don't want to take advantage of this exciting war opportunity, all you have to do is overthrow your own dictator within 2 weeks of receiving this letter. Failure to do so will constitute an acceptance of American invasion. You will be responsible for providing flowers in the street.

And remember, you'll get a personalised Dossier detailed your country's supposed crimes against the world, whether you decide to accept our ultimatum offer or not! Lovingly redacted so that the highly dubious origin of the 'facts' is invisible, this volume will make an excellent doorstop, because no-one will actually bother analysing it properly.

And while you're entering our Draw, why not take advantage of our great "I Can't Believe It's Not Democracy" trial? Yes, The Spread of Democracy® is now available in your area! Our new formulation includes:

• resurgent former regime members
  
• exiles in the pay of not one, but two foreign powers, appointed by the US
  
• power struggles between factions
  
• contractors doing a job you could, for only 100 times the pay
  
• bombing of weddings by the US Air Force
  
• huge contracts to US corporations with government ties
  
• massive corruption
  
• unsecure borders
  
• huge influx of fanatical psychopaths from other countries, eager to kill anyone to make the US look even more of a failed tyrant
  
• elections that convince no-one
  
• total immunity to prosecution for any Americans, whatever they do
  
• one of our expanding franchise of Overseas Torture Prisons, as denounced by the Red Cross, Amnesty International, and all other reputable international organisations
  

The Spread of Democracy® is made from Fully Globalized Oil, but contains no harmful 'nation building' at all! How could it, when we said we'd never do that?

Plus - Special Bonus Prize!

You can win an Extended Guarantee of Occupation for your country, just by distinguishing which of thease reasons are fake, and which are real, and then putting the public excuses in the correct order that we'll use them:

• You've got more targets than other countries
  
• You tried to kill my pappy
  
• You've got a toy plane you could ship over to us
  
• You're sitting on an important pipeline route
  
• "Invasion - Because I'm Worth It"
  
• Booga, Booga, Booga, the Mushroom Cloud is Coming to Get You, America
  
• My poll numbers are down
  
• You have the second largest reserves of oil in the world
  
• Saddam has a bushier moustache than Bolton
  
• I believe Armageddon will start in Babylon, and it could do with a helping hand
  
• I need to look like a war leader for the next election
  
• You personally planned 9/11
  
• You'll be a possible threat to the USA in 50 years, if all your propaganda is true
  
• You're next door to Iran
  
• We know where your WMD are
  
• Halliburton stock price is down
  
• You could launch WMD attacks against anyone, anywhere in the world, in 45 minutes, according to my poodle (hey, if a dog can talk, it must be a miracle! That must be a reliable peice of info)
  
• Your country is the only possible one to pick for a new democracy, though none of your neighbours is one either
  
• I need somewhere to send soldiers to get car-bombed, and you look like fine bystanders
  
• You bought uranium from Niger, according to my trustworthy Italian Ally, Tony Soprano
  
• I screwed up my last invasion, so I need another easy target
  

To accept this Brave New World of American hegemony, just send your agreement to not sign up to the International Criminal Court to:
George Bush
c/o Project for the New American Century
The Pentagon.

PS: If you enjoy our occupation, or even if you don't, why not let your neighbours share it? For each neighbour that you denounce (or just looks at us funny), we'll build 4 enduring bases in the middle of your country.

Offer ends in 2008 (hopefully).

[DemonFighterLives]

1. Good Job!

:thumbsup:

[unhappycamper]

2. Come on, Folks. This deserves to hit the greatest.

Nominated, kicked.
:kick:

[Beaver Tail]

3. Former K-Tel Exec

[greekspeak]

4. Kick for Delicious Dark Humor

:kick:

[Theres-a]

5. Well done. nt

[Pacifist Patriot]

6. Mind if I email this?

I have a few relatives who will get a kick out of it who don't participate on bulletin boards.

[muriel_volestrangler]

7. Go ahead

A credit to DU wouldn't do any harm - you might persuade one of them to join us ... :-)

[sabra]

8. kick for creativity!

[eridani]

9. Kick for nightowls

:kick:

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

10. Well done!