Should I bother trying to find my 69 yo Father?

[Chicago Democrat]

43 years ago Christopher Haines had sex with Shiela Sturm in the back seat of his car and I became human.


Then there was talk of marriage but she was Catholic and he was Baptist and feelings were hard so he wanted to have me aborted. He took her to a woman that did those things in 1961 but she refused.

He gave her the 300 dollars and she had the baby (me) on 3/16/62 and I was adopted to a Catholic family.


Should I try to find my birth father, even tho he wanted me aborted?

His name is Christopher Haines and he is 68 or 69 yo now born in Joliet IL

[roguevalley]

1. if for nothing more than your medical history, hon. Do it.

[Chicago Democrat]

2. Its so hard... Im mad! and I wanna punch him and I am mad...

cause I almost wasnt but for my mom! That's heavy.

[Chicago Democrat]

3. *I wanna hit him in the nose!

I am mad!

I am angry!


He is not a good person!

[Chicago Democrat]

4. There's like 50 people named Christopher Haines....

Like he could fucking have a more rare name!


I have to apologise for intruding on the lives of so many NoT-my-father-Luke Christopher Haines'!


FUCK YOU DAD FUCK FOR WANTING ME DEAD!

GIVE HER SOME MONEY YOU FUCK!

I HOPE YOU ARE DEAD ALREADY!

[REP]

15. He Could Have Abstained or Used A Condom

Same thing would have happened as if she had had an abortion. There was no "you." There was a pregnancy.

[Spinzonner]

5. He didn't want YOU aborted

he was making it possible for an anonymous baby to be aborted if your birth mother so chose.

How do you know what his view was ? From your birth mother ? How do you know how accurate or balanced her point of view was ? In these kinds of situations there are all kinds of stress and nobody is likely to have a completely objective view - if there even is such a thing.

The real question is what you expect out of finding him and are you willing to deal with possible disappointments.

[Chicago Democrat]

6. THinking of him makes mad and I just want to look him in the eye

and kick his ass!

[La Lioness Priyanka]

7. he did not want you aborted he wanted an inconvenient fetus aborted

its hardly like you were a human being in front of him whom he wanted shot

you are being too harsh on a young person who probably was in no state to handle a child

[Chicago Democrat]

8. THis is true

Im drunk tonight and upset.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

9. ahh that explains it....sorry you are upset

:hug:

[Wabbajack]

10. You're obviously thinking about him

so go for it. You got nothing to lose.

[stellanoir]

11. OMG

I am so glad you posted this because it's refreshingly honest.

My sister was 36 and twice divorced when she became pregnant for the first time. Her partner, who was a control freak, wanted her to have an abortion. I intervened and stood up for the kid and my sister. They ended up marrying and having the kid and now, 16 years later, they are just divorced. They would barely talk to me for all those years because of my intervention. I recently had opportunity to spend extensive time with my niece. She thinks I'm very cool. She won't even talk with her father for a while because she feels an deep seated rage towards him. I'm somewhat tempted to tell her the truth, but it's really not my place to do so.

I'm sure your father has grown a lot in 43 years and just remember, that in many hero myths throughout the ages the hero is fatherless, and they strive for greatness. Thank him for that.

Curiousity would compel me to seek him out if I were in your shoes. It's far easier to hate someone you don't know.

I hope you find peace in this matter.

[Chicago Democrat]

12. Thank you!

I love you.

[Robbien]

13. Depends on why you want to find him

You have a family who wanted you enough to adopt you. You are very lucky.

A young man long long ago didn't want to become a father. That is not about you, it was about him.

Only go looking for him if you are sure of what you expect to get out of the experience of finding him.

[Chicago Democrat]

14. I wanna kick his ass or see his grave and I don't know...

MainlyI am angry....

Ever since I heard the story of my birth, I've not liked him. He wanted me aborted, that is hard to forgive. I wanna kik his ass for that. I wanna kick his ass for empregnating my mother and abandoning her... THAT SUCKS. Then she got in car accident and now she is disabled. So how bout helping with that asshole! I hope you are dead already!


I HATE YOU DAD!


I HOPE YOU DIED A HORRIBLE DEATH!

[stellanoir]

16. I love you too.

But you're assuming that death is finality. There's really no way of proving it, but I'm a reincarnationalist. Perhaps you and your mom made a deal with this man, perhaps you can heal it now. I dunno. But it's worth a shot.

I sincerely doubt that anyone of conscience could not be harboring some remorse or curiousity about the situation. You might even be able to help him and yourself. I truly hope so.

Peace again.

[Chicago Democrat]

19. Thank you for reminding me that its all about reincarnation!

Thank U!

[Robbien]

17. Grab a pillow

and get some sleep. Its 5 am for cristsake!

[Chicago Democrat]

18. I know thanks I'm goin thru heavey shit tonitgt

oh baby

[Richard Steele]

20. He's not your FATHER, he's just a sperm donor!

And finding him will NOT give you the CLOSURE you seek!

What you are looking for can only be found WITHIN YOURSELF.

[Chicago Democrat]

22. I beli\eve that completely!

And that is why....



I HATE HIM.



I sorry daddy but your just not needed. I have acheived enlightenment without you. Thanks for the genes. now go fuck off.

[slybacon9]

21. Homie, i had the same thing happen to me...

He left before i was born.

When i turned 23 i found it essential that i make contact if only to put some sort of something in the place of nothing. The mystery was becoming too much of a drama for me. I used it to blame my problems on... as sort of a "hall pass". And once i saw that i needed to be accountable for myself and a grown up, i realized i was clinging on to this Star Wars archetype and i ended it.

I made the call. We talked for the first time on the phone for about 10 minutes. It was really weird. We never talked again.

As simple as it was it put a person in place of a question mark, and ended a saga i had created and used to the benefit of all of my self imposed limitations.

No anger to hold on to. No sadness. Just a life without anymore excuses. Yes it's liberating. And at the same time, then the work begins. Because after that, there is nothing to be lazy about.

Anyway, that's how it was for me... Good luck Chitown D

[Chicago Democrat]

25. Thank you brother...

I love you...



Thank you for helping me. you have.

[cornermouse]

23. My opinion for what its worth.

1. Find him, send a polite letter asking for his medical history since it may have impact on your own future.

2. Don't ask to see him right now. You're too angry.

3. Take some time to think about the fact that you're angry at someone that you've never met and don't actually know.

4. Also you only know one side of the circumstances. There's always two sides to every story. Take some time to find out the other side of the story before you slam the door shut forever. Consider there is the possibility that he isn't anything like what you think.

[Chicago Democrat]

28. working on it... slowly

aFRAID HE;'S DEAD ALREADY, om

[LunaC]

24. The Alternative

He could have married the pregnant Sheila and then abused the hell out of her and you - out of resentment - for seemingly endless years. Growing up with your birth father may not have been as pleasant as you imagine it might have been.

My .02 - leave it alone and trust that karma brought him the lessons he deserved. Sometimes that's the only thing that gives me peace when I think about the shittiness of my so-called "family".

I've come to realize that Family isn't necessarily blood relatives, but those who are Kindred Spirits..

[Chicago Democrat]

26. Truth spoken!

Thank you...





Mege hugs

[applegrove]

27. Could be hard. Not the abortion part. Abortion was available to the rich.

And somehow - available to the poor at a much greater risk. It is a Woman's body. A man doesn't get to make the choice in the end. Your mom made the best choice for herself. Was very brave. But I would think the issue would be the difficulties you may face if your father doesn't wish to have you in his life, or is a freak of some sort. Even if he is normal - it will be difficult. But then I bet you know that from meeting your birth mother. That is where the risk is.

As to the abortion..neither of your parents were ready for parenthood an abortion is what comes to mind when people are faced with that. As old as the hills abortion. Human nature to try and control one's life. Remember the pill was not widely available then. And even now people get lazy or drunk and stupid if they are young and agree to take the risk (or are too shy and careless to discuss the responsibility for birth control). Regret it later. Then try and fix it. They try work out what life they will live. All the while in a devastating panic. I can't say what is in someone's heart at a time like that. I haven't lived it.

My gosh I am glad the pill is available (or the morning after pill too) for kids today. Very important that we have as few abortions as possible.

Don't know the answers for you. Tis a miracle that each and everyone one of us exists as we do. The odds on us turning out to be us are absolutely astronomical irregardless of the marriage status of our natural parents.

[xchrom]

29. i'm adopted.

i know a little about my birth mom.

nothing about dad.

i've never experienced any of your feelings -- i have a mom and dad.

and close only counts in horse shoes.

[B Calm]

30. Out of curiosity I think I would want to see what he looks like.

[LaurenG]

31. You don't know what was happening in their lives

Or his head. I'd bet they were both young and he was a scared boy. He didn't know it was "you" he only knew you were a soon to be baby.

Try and find him. He may be a very good man. People do grow up and they do regret stuff they did in the past.

Good luck and godspeed, I think it may help you to put this whole thing into perspective.

[mandyky]

32. Other - he has probably changed

The decision is up to you, but if you were conceived in the back seat of a car I am assuming he and your birth mom were youngsters. He has probably had a family of his own by now and maybe that mellowed him.

If they were discussing marraige obviously they were examining a lot of options. If they were really young the parents probably inserted themselves into a difficult situation, and the religious difference probably was due more to them than your "parents".

Have you looked up your mom and grandparents? Just curious.

[Maine-ah]

33. how do you know for sure that he wanted to have you aborted?

is this what your family has told you? I'm just saying many families try to "cover up" the truth about situations like this. I'm not saying that yours did, but is it possible that they are?

I say, try to find him, maybe his feelings have changed, it has been a very long time, maybe he wants to find you.

Good luck in what ever your decision is.

[B Calm]

34. This might be crude, but you have a right to be in his will.

[mandyky]

36. If he's adopted

I think not.

[B Calm]

43. If he's adopted has nothing to do with it. We had an uncle die

a few years ago. He never was married and had a will leaving all his money to his brothers and sister. Turns out this guy contested the will saying he was his son. To make a long story short, they ended up having to give him an equal share. If this uncle would have stated this guys name in the will and left him 1.00, there would not have been anything he could have done.

[B Calm]

46. You have a birth right to be in his will and you can contest the will

if you can prove that you are who you say you are. Chances are he left your name out of the will which opens the door for you to get an equal share of his estate!

[Throckmorton]

35. To hell with him

he is just your sperm donor.

[w8liftinglady]

37. my dad walked out of my life 20 years ago...

...after several attempts at resuming contact(mainly so he can see his grandkids),I finally said fuck it.It's not worth the mental energy,you end up assuming all the guilt and responsibility for something that was never your fault.I did want my dad to see that I turned out well in spite of him.Be gentle with yourself-you deserve it.

[FreedomAngel82]

38. No matter what other people tell you

in the end it's your decision. Go with what your "gut" tells you hon. :hug:

[cynatnite]

39. Keep in mind, you may not like what you find

But it does put to rest a void you may possibly feel. Having those questions answered can give you a lot of peace.

My father walked out when I was seven. I knew I would never see him again. I looked for him years later, but he stayed on the move and never settled in one place.

He was working in Reno when he became ill. As a result of not seeing a doctor when he should have, he got so sick he lost his job and everything else. He wound up at a homeless shelter. He drank a lot during that period while he continued to worsen.

It wasn't until a few weeks after his death that I was called and told about it. The discoveries afterwards hurt and knowing the pain he suffered over the years, his inability to deal with the past put to rest questions that plagued me for so long.

There's good and bad to either letting it go or getting your questions answered. Just be ready for whatever you may find.

He either may still be that man who wanted your mother to abort you or he may be the one who regrets asking her to have one.

[foreigncorrespondent]

40. Absolutely you should!

My parents divorced soon after I was born. So my sister and I grew up without knowing our father.

For years my sister would say one day she will find dad. I had no interest in finding him because my mum had always told me, dad never thought I was his. However, one day I got tired of my sister always saying she will look for him, but never doing anything about it, so I did look for him and found where he was. I gave all his information to my sister and she contacted him.

Neither of us talk to our father or his new family any more, as he values his two sons over us. Butmy sister was happy that it finally put to rest her ponderings over what the man was actually like.

Not all stories of kids finding their birth parents end in horror. This guy is your father and no matter what, you should find him and meet him at least once, so you can at least see the type of person he is.

I wish you all the luck in what ever you decide. :)

[Corey_Baker08]

41. Remember: Everyone Makes Mistakes...

I am sure if your father could go back now and watch you grow up and see what you have become today he would.

There Should always be room for a second chance in your life if it comes to a loved one.

[Cha]

42. I voted.."he's your father".

He could be a very changed man by now.

Worth a shot.

[H2O Man]

44. If you want to

then you should try to find him. It may be possible that you will find him alive. If you are inclined to, do it now, as the longer you wait, the less the chances of finding him face to face. Better to answer some questions at 43 than 86.

In ways you don't expect, you have and will continue to meet him throughout your adult life. Seeing him face to face in person will help you to recognize him at other times.

You have nothing to lose by trying. Good luck to you, and no matter what you decide, always remember who you are: it doesn't matter nearly as much from where you came from as where you are now.

[RPM]

45. Sober up and talk to a therapist...

..and don't do anything rash.

[stlsaxman]

49. Agreed- and read my post below...

[me b zola]

47. many hugs to you

:hug:

[stlsaxman]

48. My father died when I was 2 years old...

and my mother rarely spoke of him for a number of reasons, but primarily his work on the Manhattan Project in Chicago. Though she never spoke ill of him, I spent the next 40 years convinced he was a conservative Catholic right-wing son of a bitch...

Then I learned the truth- I could not have been more wrong. Now I could not be prouder and I know that I am truly my fathers son.

Sure your situation is different, they all are. Some people change, some don't. Your father might ba a total asshole not worthy to lick your boots- he also may the coolest guy on the planet. Either way you might have a chance to find out directly from the source. BUT- and this is MOST IMPORTANT-

You have to get thru ALL your hatred for the man BEFORE you go on your quest to find him. For his sake and more to the point- for YOUR sake. Hell, you might even find that after working out your issues with your shituation, you drop the whole thing and stop giving someone you don't even know so much power over your life.

Whatever the outcome, I wish you all the best.

[ThomWV]

50. Forget The Aborted Part, He Simply Did Not Want You

Leave the old guy alone. He didn't want you in the first place and took appropriate action (paid for an abortion) to deal with the problem. The problem here is that your mother did not get the abortion, not that your father was trying to avoid doing the right thing. He acted responsibly and you have no right to bother him now.

[dsc]

51. If there is any way to get his medical history short of finding him

I wouldn't. I am not even sure I would bother for the medical history. Assuming you are healthy, you probably are OK in that regard anyway. I can't really see much good coming out of this and can see a whole lot of bad. You know your father, he is the guy who adopted you. This stranger just gave his sperm. Even if he were to validate you now, why should you care?

[Speed8098]

52. You don't sound like a 43 year old

My parents divorced when I was very young. Because of their inherent desire to only think of themselves, my life was filled with adversity. Some of it I created, but most of it was due to their actions, or lack thereof.

My point is this, at a certain age, wisdom begins to creep into our brain and we begin to see things in a different light. It seems to me that you haven't quite reached that point in your life.

Settle down. Don't hate someone based on the word of a woman who was scorned many years ago. Meet the man, then form your own judgment.

You may find someone who is a refreshing addition to your life.

"kicking his ass" is not going to fix anything.







And by the way, alcohol only makes things worse.

[LincolnMcGrath]

56. Well said!

Only one side of the story has been told.

[Lowell]

53. I had something similar happen in my life

Only I was the Dad. My ex ran off and hid for twenty years. She told my daughter all kinds of bullshit about me. One morning several years ago a young lady showed up at my door. I recognized her immediately. We got to know each other, but the damage of 20 years of lies had taken its toll. We have not grown close and rarely see each other. This is not my choice but hers. You need to know the whole story and give it a chance. Even if nothing comes of it you will be able to get medical information and idea of where you came from.

[SmokingJacket]

54. If you're angry, probably you shouldn't find him. nt

[HamdenRice]

55. Politically correct Correction to your life story

You wrote: "43 years ago Christopher Haines had sex with Shiela Sturm in the back seat of his car and I became human."

You should have written: 43 years ago Christopher Haines had sex with Shiela Sturm in the back seat of his car and 9 months later I became human.

Sorry. Just a little humor and just had to do it for our pro-choice sisters and brothers!

[Gold Metal Flake]

57. The questions is why do you search for him?

The questions you seek are in yourself. As many people have experienced, knowing your father is not autmatically a good thing. Many people who grew up with their fathers would agree that they would have been better off if their father had left before they chose to become abusive. Other people who have had good, loving fathers will have a different point a view, as you would expect. But what matters here is what you are seeking.

You do not know that what you will get from this man will positively enhance your life. You might say that a positive experience could be had. You will never know unless you try, right? Or, you may want to seek him out to express some emotion to him, something important to you and from that expression gain some sort of satisfaction that you seek, whether the satisfaction is positive or negative does not matter as long as it fits your preconceived range notions of what sort of conflic or resolution might occur at the meeting.

Seldom do people factor in to a decision that the range of actions they expect to occur and reality can be so disparate that they come out of an experience feeling worse before going into it. Forced familial emotional conrontations is one of those experiences that tend to go way off in awful tangents real fast.

If this were my decision, I would look hard at what I truely was seeking, because the need is within me, not without. And I would try to deal with those needs/desires/resentments without drawing others into the situation. One way that people try to release inner emotional energy is to give that energy to someone else, which is neither beneficial nor fair. I have found that the energy can be redirected inward, and reused in a way that brings personal growth. Even if it just motivates me to get off my ass and change the oil in the car.

[MaryBear]

58. Remember how many people are part of this story.

Two young ones got in the back seat, in spite of their beliefs.

The fetus an abstraction to one, he recognized the difficulties ahead and opted out.

The other because of her beliefs carried the pregnancy to term.

Recognizing the difficulties she opted out and put the infant up for adoption.

Some other people wanted a child very much at that time, and adopted the baby.

How was that for you?

Are you mad at . . . yourself?

What role did/does alcohol play?