Marriage for Love or Money

[Finder]

I just read an article in Harpers that discusses how society's approach to marriage has changed in the last century or two. The article discusses a book by Stephanie Coontz.

http://www.citypages.com/databank/26/1280/article13408.asp

With all the talk about amending the Constitution and banning gay marriage, the history of marriage has become a hot topic.

Also, the trend of marrying for love seems to be the culprit in the rising divorce rate. Traditionally, marriage was an economic arrangement and still is in many countries today. The divorce rate is lower but I wonder if that is because of economic marriage being more stable or if the countries in question are oppressive as far as divorce being legal.

[getmeouttahere]

1. As a single man...

never married, 39 years old, typical white lower middle class upbringing, no baggage (unless having several long term girlfriends counts), who makes less than $50,000 a year, I can tell you that trying to find a woman who doesn't care about marrying "up" (or way up)is extremely difficult. Of course I can understand if a woman makes a six-figure income that she would want to stay in her socio-economic plane dating-wise, but it's the women that make the same or less than myself and still expect the male to make more that puzzle me. I'd like to think that there are some women out their who are first and foremost looking for a loving relationship, but I'm sure not finding them on the online dating services.

[amazona]

2. marriage is an economic contract

I think if a woman has her own income and health insurance then it is stupid for her to marry unless it is to significantly improve her financial situation. You can love someone and live with them and not marry them. Marriage is an economic agreement. What is the sense of taking on another person's finances unless there is a step up? That is just good common sense. Many of these women who earn the same or less than you, the only reason to marry would be to quit their job and raise children. Therefore they need to be looking at men who have good stable high-paying jobs with health insurance and other benefits. If they are going to have to struggle, why get married? You can struggle just fine as a single or a live-together.

If men were interested in staying home and raising kids in any real numbers, they too would be concerned about the financial stability and prospects of a potential marriage partner. It is easy to say "no worries" about a spouse's low income when you are not planning to give up your own job anyway.

My view anyway. Marriage is not about romance. Marriage is the end of romance. The loud clamor for marriage is not because anyone is being deprived of sex or romance; it's because people are being deprived of health insurance, tax breaks, visitation rights, and such as that.

We like to pretend that we're all modern and only marry for love but only idiots marry ONLY for love without full economic disclosure. Love is free.

[Ysolde]

5. That's not the case for us...

of course, we met as Freshman in college and married only after we graduated from college. So, salary was not a consideration. We were planning on building a life together (and are continuing to do that).

But I do agree that too many people in this country enter into marriage without a full understanding of what marriage really is or takes. It's amazing that so many here (OK) marry so young without any concept of the length, depth, and breadth of work required to keep a marriage going through so many years. I think it's just another example of education not keeping pace with the reality of our evolving society.

[Finder]

6. Agree 100 percent

but until romance novels and soap operas stop portraying marriage as the ultimate goal for emotional fulfillment, the divorce rate will remain high.

[MsTryska]

12. hee...i agree.....

marriage is a Business enterprise.

[Rainbowreflect]

3. How about for the love of money!??!

[gt7932a]

4. love and marriage

it is interesting to note in many countries that traditionally have arranged marriages, such as China and India, the concept of marriage for love was once considered an oxymoron, as one couldn't possibly be truly in love until after several years of marriage. It was marriage itself, not the sex act, or the passionate precursors, that bred love though mutual work, companionship and dependence. They would note that it was not marrying for love that raised the divorce rate, it was marrying for passion. And i for one know a fair few people who have done this unwisely, ignored all red flags, major personality flaws, past infidelities or even abuses on the grounds that it was ok, because they were passionately in love.

As to the attraction of women to money, there was a documentary on PBS i saw a while ago that noted an interesting evolutionary component there. Men tend to be attracted to beauty, as beauty is a sign on health and the driving need for men is to procreate with someone who will bear many healthy children. Women are attracted to power, as power is what will protect their offspring. So i wouldn't say all women are attracted to money per se, but many that are not tend to be attracted to other indications that the male can protect her young, such as strength or intelligence. note this doesn't change whether or not the man or woman actually wants kids, but that drive is what shapes what attributes they are attracted to.
thoughts on this?

[Ysolde]

7. I quite concur...

so many of our actions are still driven by long-evolved instincts that aren't always compatible with our current society. I just wish our society would look at these things dispassionately and begin to educate ourselves at a young age for the drastic differences between how we actually live and how we are still instinctually wired. No matter what the Fundies want to believe, we are basically animals and love was a force that brought men & women together to propagate the species, not to live together past the childraising years. Our society now expects people to live in a single monogamous marriage for far longer than our entire lifespan just a few short centuries ago!

[PDX Bara]

8. "Love and Marriage"

Many years ago, I read a comment on the difference between arranged marriages and "love" marriages. The person, from an arranged marriage culture, said that partners in an arranged marriage learn to love the person they married compared to marrying the person with whom one is "in love." Of course nothing is perfect but they seem to have fewer divorces, if only or perhaps because divorce is often not an option.

[youthere]

9. This makes me think of my aunt's situation...

the current "scandal" in our family. She married my uncle very young (she was 15 he was 18-yep..preggers). They loved each other deeply and had a long HARD life together...lot of struggles there. My uncle passed away 8 years ago (He was 71). She got remarried last year to a really nice well to do gentleman. She'll be the first to tell you that she isn't in love with him and that she married him for his money he knows it too and it doesn't seem to bug him. They travel a lot and have a lot of fun together. I say good for her. She struggled her whole life and I think she deserves to have a good time. Most of my family doesn't agree they think it's awful that she's "using" this man.

[Finder]

10. They are prob jealous.lol

Sounds like she had her cake and is eating it too. All joking aside, many people hook up for economical reasons as well as companionship during retirement. Hopefully, same sex marriage will be legal by the time I get to that point.(if my hubby kicks before me.lol)

[sweetheart]

11. Marriage for a union of cultures

Within a culture, provided there are common law rights, what is
marriage for outside of religious pretense on a child-raising contract.

However, across cultures, marriage (all of this presumes love is
endemic) is a bringing together of different houses. It is where
the republican daughter marries an islamic boy from afganistan and
where a republican boy marries a burkha-covered woman from saudi
arabia. And we are joined together in a political sharing of houses.

As much as i love romantic movies about true love. Love is what you
MAKE. Love comes every day, the more you share, the more you feel.
It has nothing to do with marriage, and everything to do with it as
well. Marriage from olde times, was the bringing together of families,
healing wars, and ending strife.