Mother of lesbian who committed suicide: "I committed a hate crime"

[Modem Butterfly]

http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/localnews/2002371684_gayconference10m.html

The mother of a 29-year-old lesbian who committed suicide nearly a decade ago told a gathering of gays and their friends and family members yesterday that her daughter died because of the "untruths taught by the church."

A few of the 75 of so people gathered at Newport Presbyterian Church in Bellevue wiped away tears as Mary Lou Wallner talked about Anna's death in 1997, about the guilt she felt and how the circumstances have changed her life.

Wallner, who lives just outside Little Rock, Ark., explained she was raised in a conservative Christian home, and that was how she had raised her daughter. When Anna came out as a lesbian in 1988, Wallner was not prepared to accept it.

"I committed a hate crime," she said, recalling a comment she once made. "I didn't love my daughter unconditionally."

[indepat]

1. Sobering

[GreenPartyVoter]

2. Powerful read

[Modem Butterfly]

3. This article is a peek into the dark heart of homophobia

What other power on earth could make a mother turn her back on her own child?

Edited for spelling.

[Radio_Lady]

8. That's "peek" into the dark heart --- (changes its meaning a bit...)

Confused me.

Not trying to be a spelling teacher...

One of my best friends, a lesbian woman in a committed relationship for years, had a young half-brother, who was gay. I remember him as a five or six year old, tow-headed child.

I don't know all the details, but in his late teens or early 20s, he jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco.

I've always wondered why, but never asked. My friend's mother bore her out of wedlock, then married another man and passed him off as her father, until she found out differently when she was in her teens. (The son -- actually there were two sons -- were a product of the mother and the stepfather, who was a wonderful, intelligent, sweet man. Both are deceased now.)

Such family secrets...

[Modem Butterfly]

9. I guess I shouldn't post while crying.

[Radio_Lady]

10. Oh, so sorry...

{{drying your tears}}

[Modem Butterfly]

12. s'allright

This story just really got to me.

[Zenlitened]

18. "What other power...could make a mother turn her back on her own child?"

Wow.

That is so so true. :(

[Merope215]

4. Wow

Very sad article. Interesting and powerful read - thanks for posting.

[gollygee]

5. That's amazing

thanks for posting that.

[housewolf]

6. What a heart-breaking story...

I hope the mother has forgiven herself, and her daughter both for being a lesbian and for killing herself. I hope that she has found some peace and forgiveness.

[Lone_Star_Dem]

7. A heartbreaking and profound article

I'm recommending.

[FreedomAngel82]

11. How sad

This is why I think that people who are religious need to take everything with gay people in a different attitude and direction instead of spewing out hate and following people like Fred Phelps. We don't have to like how someone lives but we shouldn't go out and be evil towards them either. That doesn't do anybody any good.

[bonito]

17. I think you're right

If someone lives there life differently from the way we do, don't criticize them. You know, whatever we project into this world, we do just that, Werther it be hate, greed, envy, or compassion for one another, we bring it in to the world, not only into our own reality but into the lives of everyone, even those who we love. you as an individual have so much power while here on this earth, but that truth has been hidden from you. I'm here to tell you now, begin your world as you would have it. forget the past,we start every new day when we awake.

[intheflow]

13. SoulForce calls it "spiritual violence."

I think that sounds about right. :cry:

[meganmonkey]

14. Here's a link to the mother's website

http://www.teach-ministries.org/

wow...

[cynatnite]

16. Very moving and powerful

This is a woman who will bring so much good to the world through her own story.

[Modem Butterfly]

19. Absolutely heartbreaking

"I keep wondering what would have happened if, after receiving her letter, I had grabbed my toothbrush, credit card and car keys, driven the 550 miles to where she was living and told her that I loved her no matter what. I didn't do that. The worst part is that I'll never be able to do that. "

[puddycat]

15. I was in tears before I even finished this heartbreaking story

something about this Mom's love for her daughter and
her self-blame. It takes a special person to admit they
were wrong, but I think she is being too hard on herself.
Many young people take their own lives, and many have
unconditional love. One cannot fathom what is in the human
heart unless its your own, and even then its often an enigma.
I wish that woman peace, but fear she will never find it.

[dsc]

20. What I would say to this woman

I was once where your daugher was when she decided to take her life. As sad as what she did is, and as tragic as your delay in accepting her as she was turned out to be, you aren't responsible for her taking her life. No one person or thing takes people to the place where ending their life seems the only way out. The same religious tradition that made it so difficult for you to accept your daughter made it difficult for her to accept herself. She would be proud of you now and would want you to forgive yourself today for what you can't change about yesterday. I hope you can.

[Obamarama]

21. I disagree with you....

Yes, she is to blame to some degree. Religious tradition or no religious tradition, learning that your child is gay should not motivate any parent to withdrawl unconditional love.

I, too, was in the same situation. Cut off financially and emotionally in the midst of my freshman year in college for the egregious sin of being gay. While I worked hard to rebuild the relationship, it made little difference. It wasn't until two days before my father died, on his deathbed, that he apologized. I accepted his apology, but to this day I am still bitterly angry with him. I loved him because he was my dad, and only out of some twisted sense of familial duty. The poor son of a bitch went to his grave with his youngest son intensely disliking him.

I never got depressed enough to consider suicide, but I can understand how some poor souls could. I'm sorry...as I have walked these steps myself, I'm not about to let her off the hook quite as easily as are you. I'm just thankful she has seen the light. A lot of fucking good that does her dead daughter.

[dsc]

22. My point was

that even those with supportive, or in my case it was unknowing, parents also can lose kids to suicide. No one can know, with any degree of certainty, barring an note, just why she did it.

[Obamarama]

23. You make a good point.....

But I somehow have to believe that this poor girl would have been far less likely to off herself if her mother hadn't pushed her in that general direction by her actions, or lack thereof.

Just to clarify, I wasn't going off on YOU in my previous post! :-) This thread just dredged up some deep emotions relative to my experience.

[dsc]

24. As I said in my post

I have been there too so this is also emotional to me. Even though my worst fears didn't materialize with regards to my mother she wasn't totally OK either. Coming out on the other side is probably the hardest thing any gay person does in his entire life. On edit I am glad your dad realized his mistake before it was too late. I also was able to deal with my mom while she was here instead of having to wait for the beyond.

[Obamarama]

26. This is one club where membership does NOT have its privelages...

Glad we both made it through the initiation, though! :-)

(By "club" I didn't mean gay/lesbian in general...I meant to whole, dramatic, disowned by parents thing)

[dsc]

27. To be fair I was never totally disowned

like you were. I just feared it bigtime and in the case of my mom experienced a light version of it. It is tough to risk or lose the love of your parents.

[Obamarama]

29. Thankfully my mom eventually came around.

Dad was a different story. Oh well, I keep trying to remind myself that was HIS problem.

[dsc]

30. It was his problem

but sadly it still ends up being our problem too. Like it or not, we end up dealing with the crap society piles upon us no matter how unfairly we have been targetted.

[Modem Butterfly]

25. I imagine she will spend the rest of her life trying to find a way...

...to forgive herself.

[dsc]

28. yeah she probably will

It is so harsh to see religion used like this.

[NMMNG]

31. She learned a valuable lesson

It is sad that she learned it to late to save her daughter, but perhaps she can save others just by having her story out there.

[Modem Butterfly]

32. Well said.

[arwalden]

33. I Feel For The Mother's Loss... But She's Distorting And Cheapening

... the true meaning of what a HATE CRIME really is. If people start to believe or associate ACTUAL hate crimes with being on par of "...not loving (one's) daughter unconditionally..." then we start to lose ground.

I appreciate her newfound support for our community, and I hope that she finds her own peace... but publicly flogging herself for an imagined "crime"--and in the process, lessening the impact and import of ACTUAL crimes--isn't helping.

-- Allen

[Catfight]

34. So what is she doing about it? Crying won't solve anything. Condemn

any religion that advocates any person is a less than loved person by God if they are not exactly like them. How any parent could forsake their own flesh and blood because of someone elses guilt is beyond me. Think for yourself people.

[Modem Butterfly]

35. She started a ministry devoted to educating Xian families of gay people

She started a ministry devoted to educating the families of gay and lesbian people. She also puts herself and her (very painful) story out there so that people can see just how destructive homophobia is. Now, I'm not a Xian and I'm not a gay person, but it seems to me that she's doing something to encourage the families of gays and lesbians to accept their loved ones as they are.

[Catfight]

36. Great! Nice to hear a story like that. Thanks butterfly