Need Some Advice re: Andy's Funeral (I can't go.)

[IdaBriggs]

Andy Stephenson was my friend. I knew him originally simply as God_Bush_n_Cheney on DU, but our real friendship started when I did the numbers for New Hampshire right after the election. He was my primary contact with the BBV folks, and we became pretty close while we worked on election fraud investigation last November/December. I literally lost track of the number of hours we spoke on the telephone during that time period....

I never met him in person, ever.

I spoke with Andy on November 5, 2004 when it looked like the Nader folks were going to help us recount New Hampshire. There was a mad scramble of calls from half a dozen people, and Andy went on the Randi Rhodes show that afternoon asking people to fax requests to Nader to help with New Hampshire -- twelve to eighteen INCHES of requests later, the Nader folks were begging people to STOP ALREADY! They got the hint that we wanted answers....and Andy helped make that happen.

During November of last year, Andy had the occasional "bad moment" with Bev Harris of BBV. She was not always an easy person to work with from what I was hearing, and I helped buck Andy up when he was ready to quit a couple of times by reminding him how important the work was, and that he was making a serious difference. I told him it made sense that the stress we were all facing would result in the occasional "bad moments", and encouraged him to "let it go" when he was ready to just scream for a bit. Subsequent events with BBV make me question the wisdom of my "tolerance" at the time, but honestly, I was a tad naive back then....

He called me the night of the antics in Volusia County, Florida, and I danced around the living room with glee at the fact we would now have PROOF!!! We shared the roller coaster ride of doing everything we could do to make a difference, including the wobbly "it just wasn't enough" frustrations afterwards....

There was more -- so much more -- during those very intense couple of months that had me proudly calling Andy Stephenson a friend: When his sister died in November, I talked with him about it. When my father was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer two days before Christmas, I talked with him about that, too. And later, when my father passed away from it in March, my friend Andy got on the phone with me then, too, and was supportive of my "family drama" as only someone who'd heard all about the players could be. We weren't talking as often by then, but we were still staying in touch. I watched for posts on his health, and I think he did the same back, because if I was having a "bad time" with the family, I usually heard from him that day.

Our last conversation was a couple of weeks ago. He was frustrated, but upbeat. The pancreatic cancer thing had me very worried (especially because it had just killed my father), but he told me about the treatment he was getting at Johns Hopkins, and I felt confident he was going to survive it. I'm angry with myself for not staying in better touch lately; I guess I thought there would be more time to talk "later."

I never met Andy in person, and I can't make it to his funeral Saturday. This is going to sound like a sick joke, but its going to be the THIRD FUNERAL THIS WEEK -- isn't that just nuts? Part of me is so sick to death of funerals, it isn't even funny, but another part of me is just having the worst time because I won't be at Andy's....It feels wrong not to be there on so many levels, and its also like no one around me understands the relationship with my friend-who-I-never-met-in-person, and no one else knew him (although my husband heard all about him), and there is no one else to share the grief with, or anyway to get closure....

And I just can't believe he's gone, and I don't know what to do to celebrate his life, or how to honor his memory ON SATURDAY in an appropriate way without traveling from Michigan to Washington. (Yes, long term my continuing involvement with election integrity issues is one way of honoring him, but I'm talking SHORT TERM ON SATURDAY.)

Any advice? And thanks in advance -- I'll read the answers in the morning, because honestly, I'm just sitting here crying, and I want to go curl up with my husband now....

I still can't believe he's gone...

:cry:

[eridani]

1. Your work is his monument--

The work you have done on election reform and the work you will do in the future. If you want to tack a second cause onto your list, make it universal health care. Send what you have written to Will Pitt to be included in the memorial. Make a donation to an organization carrying on Andy's work in his name.

[ScreamingMeemie]

2. Awww sweetheart. Plant a tree, light a candle, make a donation to

a charity in Andy's name...whatever brings you peace. :hug:

[Gormy Cuss]

3. Set aside some time to reflect on Saturday.

And do what Mrs. Grumpy and eridani say.

EDITED

[IndyOp]

4. I'm so sorry to hear that you have had so many losses recently...

Curling up with your husband sounds just right...

For this weekend perhaps you have a special, quiet place where you can go with a book you find comforting, or with a journal, or with neither. Take Andy's picture with you and read or write or just talk aloud to him, to everyone you have lost (they can all still feel you).

I lost my grandmother, father and mother very close together in time and spent a lot of time sitting on the shore of a nearby small lake, took time to write in a journal, read books about grief and death and spirit that I found comforting. I felt comforted walking through local cemeteries, too - even though all are buried far away.

Whatever you can do to take very good care of yourself will help you best honor Andy and the others you have lost.

O8)

[uppityperson]

5. Funerals are a place to say goodbye, an ending of being together now

We cannot be everywhere we want to or with whom we want to. In reading what people have written this week about Andy, I am sad I never got to know him personally and am glad so many of you did. He touched many of our lives. He is missed, and if you cannot be together in person on Saturday, take a moment if you can to just sit and be peaceful. It seems taking a few peaceful moments would be a great honor in his memory.

I am sorry that you have had such a year and hope the best for you. Take care of yourself also. :grouphug:

[blm]

6. No advice....just empathy.

I have to keep alot to myself for various reasons, and long to throw myself more out in the open to mourn and grieve with those who have shared my passions, goals, and disappointments these past 4 years.

It's hard to mourn alone but, I feel that the best I can do for ALL of them is work harder and more diligently and hopefully influence the next kef, or nostamj, or Gbnc to join our battles.

[coffeenap]

7. My son and I are (were) friends of Andy's and we can't go either.

Andy loved flowers, he loved laughter, he loved music, he loved his family and friends, and he loved his country. The day after he died I needed to do something so I hauled rocks from one part of my yard to another and made "Andy's Path". With each rock I placed I thought something about him and promised him I would use as much of my courage as I can to work for the country he envisioned. That is the best I can do and, of course, it doesn't feel like enough. I am sure something personal and appropriate will occur to you. Best wishes for healing and peace. Andy would want us to keep working and stay happy. Peace to you.:hug:

[CTyankee]

8. I've just caught up on this ordeal

of Andy and his supporters at DU. I've been away. I was so sorry to hear that Andy didn't make it and totally shocked over what the right wingers tried to do to him. It is beyond belief!

I can tell your grief is so deep and so painful. I lost my mother on April 26 this year and a brother 11 months earlier. Knowing that others inevitably go through the same grief has been a comfort for me and I hope it is for you too.

Take care of yourself. You have my deepest condolences.

[merh]

9. To honor him, just continue the fight

On Saturday, if you have a garden, tend to it. Andy loved his garden and one of the hardest things for him during his last weeks was he couldn't tend to his garden as he wanted. Others have planted in their garden or made specific garden paths in memory of Andy.

Stop and smell the roses, he would want you to do that!

:hug:

[IdaBriggs]

You are right -- and even though there have been some wonderful

suggestions, I think this is the one that I'm going to do: work in my garden. Its an Andy thing -- remember how he was feeling "guilty" when he spent a couple of dollars on a gardening book when his finances were doing the "tight" thing earlier in the year? He hadn't yet been told it was pancreatic cancer, but he was so miserable -- and the gardening book brought him so much joy! I was laughing at him a little, and remember teasing him about how the world was going to JUST END because he FINALLY spent a couple of dollars on himself -- but maybe it wouldn't TOTALLY END, because after all, the book was ON SALE!!!

That probably doesn't sound as funny as it was at the time, but its one of my "happy Andy" moments. I'll work in my Rose Garden tomorrow during his funeral, and think of him....

Thank you, everyone....

[merh]

17. ((((( IdaBriggs )))))))

Just remember, he wanted us all to be happy and to live in peace.
Take time tomorrow to smell the flowers in your garden and to remember the man in your heart! :hug:

[IdaBriggs]

13. Duplicate Delete.

It "duplicate posted" on me -- don't know what happened. Sorry!

[IdaBriggs]

14. Duplicate Delete.

It "duplicate posted" on me -- don't know what happened. Sorry!

[Stephanie]

10. We're talking about having a little wake in NYC on Saturday

If you have any DU or BBV friends in Michigan maybe you could do the same. Just meet for drinks and talk. You're making me cry now!

xx
S

[IdaBriggs]

15. Thank you, Stephanie -- I'll go post in the Michigan forum and see! nt

[WilliamPitt]

11. Check your PM.

[EFerrari]

12. Sweetie, I have no advice either.

Just a big hug. :hug:

[GreenPartyVoter]

16. I don't know, sister, except to keep on fighting! *hugs*

http://timeforachange.bluelemur.com/electionreform.htm

[demodonkey]

18. Tomorrow I will be sitting here working on 2 research projects for...

...Election Reform that have to be done this week. That will honor Andy, I think.

I REALLY wish I could go to Seattle, but the cost of flying there, for me would be more than the cost of a new computer.

But I am wondering if at some point in the future, some of us in the east might have a... ...something... like maybe in D.C. or Columbus (I'm in between) or other place that meant a lot to Andy in his work over here in the East...????

Think about this please, everyone.

[eridani]

19. An east coast memorial sounds like a good idea

JOE HILL

I dreamed I saw Joe Hill last night,
Alive as you or me
Says I, "But Joe, you're ten years dead,"
"I never died," says he
"I never died," says he

"In Salt Lake, Joe," says I to him,
Him standing by my bed,
"They framed you on a murder charge,"
Says Joe, "But I ain't dead,"
Says Joe, "But I ain't dead."

"The copper bosses killed you, Joe,
They shot you, Joe," says I.
"Takes more than guns to kill a man,"
Says Joe, "I didn't die,"
Says Joe, "I didn't die."

And standing there as big as life
And smiling with his eyes
Joe says, "What they forgot to kill
Went on to organize,
Went on to organize."

"Joe Hill ain't dead," he says to me,
"Joe Hill ain't never died.
Where working men are out on strike
Joe Hill is at their side,
Joe Hill is at their side."

"From San Diego up to Maine,
In every mine and mill,
Where workers strike and organize,"
Says he, "You'll find Joe Hill,"
Says he, "You'll find Joe Hill."

I dreamed I saw Joe Hill last night,
Alive as you or me
Says I, "But Joe, you're ten years dead,"
"I never died," says he
"I never died," says he