My Abortion Experience

[MinneapolisMatt]

Let me preface this by saying this is the first time I’ve ever spoken about this, and to do this in such a public manner is especially difficult for me. I’m really nervous, especially since I don’t post too much here at DU. About five people in total know about this, until now, and they’ve never heard about it from me. But I feel now is a very relevant and important time to share my story. Please forgive my erratic writing skills. Sometimes when things get personal for me, English class flies right out the window. I'd also like to mention that I have been in a fantastic relationship of six years with a wonderful guy. Sexuality is a whole other topic to get into, but I justed wanted to be upfront with everyone in case you may have read some of my posts in the GLBT forum. I don't want to be misleading.

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Back in 1994, I was a freshman in college, and I had met a wonderful woman with whom I developed a serious relationship. The day I met her, she had just found out she was pregnant (the guy was an ex-boyfriend, who had dumped her just prior to her moving to college). Maybe this was what caused us to become so deeply connected and involved so quickly, but I was the one who went with her to the clinic to have the abortion. It certainly was one of the first grown-up experiences I ever had. We were both alone in the world, and it sure was surreal sitting in the waiting room watching a biography about Bob Marley while she was having the procedure. I was worried sick, but thankfully she came out of it OK. I remember caring for her over the next few days while she had some spotty bleeding and some cramps, and I especially remember the smell of the green tea and chicken noodle soup that I made for her.

As time passed, our relationship turned physical, and we took so many extra precautions to prevent ever having another unwanted pregnancy. She went on the pill, I used condoms, and we even used a spermicidal lubricant just in case. One time, the condom broke. We both looked at each other like “Oh shit”, and even though she was on the pill and we were using the spermicide, we decided to go get the morning after pill at the university medical center. So we trekked over there at 3 AM and she took the pill and that was the end of it.

Well, about 6 weeks later she suspected she was pregnant, and since God must have hated us, she was. We were really, really torn at this point. I mean, she had just had an abortion 6 months earlier, yet all the literature we were reading was telling us that the chances of her having a healthy baby were slim, since she had taken the morning after pill and that could really damage a fetus. The chances of birth defects were really high, and there was not much guarantee she would even be able to carry the baby to term...a miscarriage was very likely. (I don’t know if this information is still true, but back in 1994 that’s what we were told.) We talked, cried, talked, and cried some more, and finally made another appointment at that damned clinic.

This time, I was really numb. I had so many thoughts swimming around I just couldn’t feel anything. And just when I started to feel sorry for myself, I would think about how SHE felt. See, going to get an abortion isn’t easy and fun and liberal and something you want to go do just because. There are life-changing experiences, not only for the woman, but also the man.

The thing is, if we hadn’t had this abortion (and by "we", it was a joint decision), our lives would have been screwed. We were 18 and 19 years-old. We had just started school. As it turns out, she wasn’t “the one” I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with. We took EVERY SINGLE precaution any smart adult would take in order to avoid pregnancy while still maintaining a healthy, adult, sexual relationship. But you know what? Shit happens. It sucks. Life isn’t all John 3:16 and perfect. The reality is that I could have had a 10 year-old child right now with multiple birth defects and an estranged girlfriend. But thank GOD I don’t. And I’m thankful I live in country that allowed her to have a safe, sanitary, and legal abortion, and that I was able to be there for her in a clinic that generously provided after-care, not some Super 8 Motel with a wire hanger, some bleached sheets and a bottle of rubbing alcohol.

I know I’m preaching mostly to the choir here, but when I say I’m going to stand up for women’s rights, I MEAN IT. A woman’s right to her own body, TO CHOOSE, to have MEDICAL PRIVACY, saved my life…and hers. If you are against abortion, then please don’t have one. I respect your choice not to have one. But chances are someone in your life has been carrying around a secret like mine, and it could happen to any of us, for a multitude of reasons. Please don’t take that choice away from women. It may have saved the life of someone you already know.

That’s all, and thanks for listening. It’s not my intent to turn this into a flame-fest or anything negative. I’m simply sharing what happened in my life, and that’s it. DU has offered me a tremendous amount of comfort over the last few months, and I hope my post can, in return, bring comfort to somebody else.

Take care,

Matt

[senseandsensibility]

1. Thank you for sharing this incredibly

personal story. I doubt that anyone here at DU would flame you. I, as a female, would not have an abortion unless I was raped. That is my own personal choice. I have no wish to impose it on others. NONE. I am a feminist, and from what I've read, you are,too.

[Pachamama]

26. Which makes you Pro-choice Senseandsensibility...you don't impose your

choices and views on others and take away their choice and views.

:hug:

I have many many friends who are personally opposed to ever having an abortion, even in cases of rape, but they, like you would never impose their views and feelings on others.

:hug:

[kestrel91316]

29. You are what is known as PROCHOICE, sens .

Prochoice means you respect a woman's right to decide for herself. I don't know a single prochoicer who is PROABORTION. Nobody WANTS to get an abortion, but sometimes it is the best of several bad options.
Whether or not you would ever decide for yourself to have an abortion is completely irrelevant and nobody's business but your own. Prochoice says it all, simple and succinct.

[SCRUBDASHRUB]

2. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

[Barak And Roll]

3. Thank you for your story...

If more people knew stories like this and knew the gravity of an abortion, it wouldn't even be an issue.

[SCRUBDASHRUB]

4. Welcome to DU, Barak and Roll.

[LizMoonstar]

20. I'm glad I'm not the only one deciding to share

stories like this. Until I had mine at age 20, I was pro-choice but softspoken. After having to live with knowing that though I felt blessed to have the choice, others would rather see me dead, I decided not to keep it secret any more.

You are a brave and loving soul, and thank you. Barak and Roll* and I are working with our college friends to give lectures on real people's experiences with abortion to counter the propaganda 'oh so traumatized' antiabortion group here, so it's good to know we're not alone.

*before you ask, we didn't know each other at the time.

[LynzM]

5. Matt, thank you for sharing that

I don't really know what to say, other than thank you. Many people judge until they are in that situation or know someone who has been there. I know that until I was in the situation where it was a serious consideration (knowing I was pregnant, not just suspecting it), it didn't really hit home. I hope that your willingness to share your story helps remind people of what it is we are fighting for - CHOICE.

[Fenris]

6. Thank you for sharing this.

:hug:

[Erika]

7. Abortion is never easy and very few take the decision lightly

I respect your decision 100%. It is not the government's decision to make. It is yours.

[sleipnir]

8. "Life isn’t all John 3:16 and perfect"

That's one amazing and true sentence.

Thank you for sharing this tough, but honest story.

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

9. That was hard to read. It must have been a killer to live through.

And to the people who think you are going to Hell for that, or have to be prosecuted for murder (yeah, you of the Sphincter too):

FUCK YOU.

[bigwillq]

10. Thanks for sharing.

Not a pleasent experience for both parties involved but CHOICE, imo, is one of the most important issues for me.
I'm glad you will stand with else in protecting our right to choose, no matter what situation it is.:hi:

[musette_sf]

11. a heartfelt tale

and I thank you for telling it.

Re the chances that her pregnancy with you would have ended up in a severely developmentally disabled child: as a young girl in the 50s and early 60s, of course I was indoctrinated with the idea that of course I would someday have children. There were several kids in my neighborhood with Downs, and I made it a point to be their friends and hang out with them, since they were cool and I thought it was wrong that other kids didn't like them (actually, were afraid of them, I think). But it scared me to death to think, what if I were to have a developmentally disabled child when I grew up?

So I asked Sister this question at religious instruction class. She told me that it would mean that God really loved me MORE than everyone else because he gave me the care of this "special" child.

And people wonder why I left the RCC and I never had kids. In fact, I was voluntarily (actually, it was more like manditorily for me) sterilized at 25.

It takes almost superhuman people and an almost impossible love for a couple to keep their marriage and family strong with a developmentally disabled child in the mix. Much less us normal mortals.

Doing the RIGHT thing is always more difficult. You did right.

[oldlady]

12. I also thank you

and think that talking is important...for those who experienced the difficult time and for the debate itself. The dilemma needs to be personalized. One of the reasons the "anti-choice" people can hold the positions they do is because they don't speak about it personally...although it most certainly occurs among their friends, family and parishoners. It's simple math.

Also, your comments on failed contraceptive methods are so familiar! In 20plus years of 'mommy talk' with dozens of women, we can all identify our children by 'methods' -- myself, I have one planned, one sponge and one diaphragm baby... most moms I know do too.

Thanks, again and peace to your heart.

[ohio_liberal]

13. You are one hell of a guy

I mean it. :)

[KitchenWitch]

14. Thank you for sharing this with us

I think it not only important to hear from the women, but also the men, as abortion affects both people in a relationship.

I was told, that due to radiation therapy for cancer, I was sterile. Not true. I have two beautiful children, and am grateful for them, but both were "surprises" :D

[Mnemosyne]

15. She was lucky to have you there for her Matt.

It is maybe the hardest thing to go through alone.:hug:

[Bluerthanblue]

16. it is so easy to 'judge'

from the outside. But when you are living the 'choice' it is a whole other world- Thank you for sharing this- and thank you for being the kind, and self-less person you have shown yourself to be.
NO ONE i've ever known 'likes' abortion.- it is an experience and decision i do not believe anyone would 'choose' to have to face-

Thank you for putting a 'face' on the reality- and especially the 'face' of one who so often is forgotten, discounted, or dismissed-
i hope you both have gone on to live lives that bring you healing, and fullness.

blu

[PartyPooper]

17. Thank you for sharing your experience in a wonderful post.

BTW, I don't usually "click and read" this sort of thread for personal reasons. But, this time I'm glad I did.

:grouphug:

<on edit: grammar> :-)

[Bullwinkle925]

18. That was a touching story Matt.

You are a sensitive caring individual. Thanks for sharing this story.
I know of 2 people who have undergone abortions and it was a difficult decision for each of them. That's what we are fighting for - the humane right for a woman to seek and recieve professional medical care in this country.

[Nevernose]

19. I DO have a 10 year-old child and an estranged girlfriend

My first experience with abortion came at the age of nineteen. A friend's girlfriend called me, afraid to talk to her boyfriend. Long story short -- I took her to the women's clinic, paid for the abortion, and was then complicit in her "miscarriage" story. Hey, that's what friends are for, right?

My girlfirend got pregnant on my 21st birthday (she was 19 at the time, and already had one child). To this day we both still agree that abortion is a woman's choice, but my child's mother felt that it wasn't the right choice for her. That was her choice, and I supported her in it.

She decided that she would go the adoption route. We met the prospective parents, looked at their home and finances, interviewed the two children they'd previously adopted, and assured them that we came from good stock. And then, in the eigth month of pregnancy, the prospective parents called us. Rather than adopting a child, they had decided to get divorced.

She and I lived together until our kid was about three, and then we split. I have custody, so now I'm a single father. Times were pretty rough for a while -- like "stealing diapers from the grocery store" rough, but eventually I managed to graduate from college and get a good job, a house, a new car, ballet lessons, trips to Disneyland. And it's been HARD and I've been damned lucky.

Matt, you are SO right when you say "life isn’t all John 3:16 and perfect," but, at least for me, things worked out. Thank God.

I'm not sure entirely why I posted this. Maybe it's just interesting to me to see how someone else was in such a similar situation was also affected, ride such an emotional rolercoaster and how odd that our respective lives could be so different now based on someone else's (really, really big) choice.

[MinneapolisMatt]

23. Wow.

Nevernose, that's an incredible journey. I'm so proud that you were able to get through all of that. I can only imagine how tough it was for you at times.

I think that just illustrates even further how important choices are for all of us, and how success can come from whichever choice we make.

Thanks for sharing. I'm really glad you posted that.

-Matt :)

[FreedomAngel82]

32. Aww Nevernose

Sounds like your child is really lucky to have you. :hug: You even made it to where they can go to Disneyland.

[merbex]

21. Personal stories such as these never fail to touch me and reinforce

my belief that no one can make decisions like this except for the people most intimately involved in this most personal and private event

Each person must decide what works best for their situation

Thanks for sharing

[progressoid]

22. Thank you. Many of us carry such stories.

For some of us, the story never gets told because of the unnecessary stigma attached. We gain strength from noble DUers like you.

[prairierose]

24. Thank you for sharing your story, Matt

It was clear and lucid and very heartfelt.

I'm glad to know that there are young men who have the honor to stand by a girlfriend in the way that you did.

Yes, the more we can personalize stories like this; the more people might understand that abortion is a very difficult and personal decision.

[MinneapolisMatt]

25. I'm actually sitting here a bit teary-eyed.

Thank you all for your nice words. It means so much to me, and hopefully will mean something to people who are going through even tougher times than I faced.

You guys are the best! Let's all hope that our country gets back on track. Soon! People's lives depend on it.

-Matt

[FreedomAngel82]

27. Aww

That's so sad. :( I'm glad everything turned out though. :hug: You were very sweet to stay and take care of her. For both times. Have you ever thought about telling your story to other people like in a public forum or a class room setting about why having it legal is so important? Maybe you and some other people can share their stories and maybe even answer question's etc. I think that's the best way to reach out to people is through your own personal experiences. :hug: God bless you hon. I hope that girlfriend you had is having a great life now and has a children and a happy family. It's men like you that make this fight so much easier. You guys understand the importance. So from this young woman I thank you for sharing your story and for standing up for our rights. :hug:

[Pachamama]

28. Thanks for sharing your story Matt! That was a tough situation for both

of you and it sounds like you both made the right decision for you. Thankfully you live in a country that up until now has allowed your generation and mine to have that choice.

I've thankfully never faced what you and she faced, but I know so so many people who have. I was an RA in College and I wouldn't be exaggerating if I told you that I had helped counsel some kids facing the same type of situation. I also have many girlfriends who faced unwanted pregnancies at a point in their teens-mid 20's and weren't ready to face the responsibility of parenthood. Not one of them regrets that decision and every single one of them are now parents and married and good parents.

I appreciated hearing the man's point of view who went through this situation. And I'm sure there are men that have different views. But the bottom line is this: we are all faced at times in our life with difficult decsions and we need to be able to make those choices and have those choices be available for us to make. In my opinion, when any government or religious entity starts to try and dictate what is ethical, what you are allowed to do in the most personal of decisions, particulary as they relate to a woman's body and health, then its a dangerous slippery slope.

I grew up having this choice available to me and my friends. We are grateful for that, including those of us never having had to make that choice. I want my daughters as they grow up to have those same choices. I will do my best to teach them responsible knowledge of sexual activities and unwanted pregnancy and disease prevention and hope they make the right choices. And if they have to face the decision someday of an abortion, I hope they have the choice still and that they would have someone like you by their side.

:hug:

:hug:

[cynatnite]

30. It's nice to hear from the perspective of a guy

I had one and this isn't so much about having the right to do with my body as I see fit. Not for me anyway. For me it is privacy as you mentioned. I should have that right to make a medical decision without the government's intervention.

My RW nutjob of a mother even grasps the concept of pro-choice. Not only because of my experience, but because she lived in the days of back-room butchers. She's against abortion, but she knows if it's taken away from women those days will be back. She's never said, but I suspect she knew a few women who visited a doctor back in the 60's. It's surprising to hear her say that Roe vs Wade should not be touched.

[Name removed]

31. Deleted message

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[FreedomAngel82]

34. Uh what the fuck are you reading???

Where the hell did you get enthusistic?

[hexola]

35. enthusiasm...

...And I’m thankful I live in country that allowed her to have a safe, sanitary, and legal abortion, and that I was able to be there for her in a clinic that generously provided after-care...I say I’m going to stand up for women’s rights, I MEAN IT. A woman’s right to her own body, TO CHOOSE, to have MEDICAL PRIVACY, saved my life…and hers...

Sounds fairly enthusiastic to me...

[FreedomAngel82]

36. LOL

Boy you surely aren't reading it. :eyes: Enthusiastic my ass. LOL! Excuse me while I continue laughing at what you said. You're only reading what you want to read. Clearly you are not reading what he is saying. :eyes:

[bling bling]

39. What????

You got "enthusiastic" out of that?? Sounds like he's thankful to me. And rightfully so.

But that's besides the point. The point is choice. You don't have to agree but you don't get to make the decision for others. It doesn't matter what you think. Fortunately for you, other people don't get to decide for you either. Hopefully it stays that way.

[Name removed]

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[hexola]

68. My old girlfriend had an abortion without telling me...

So - yes - somebody else decided for me...20 years ago.

"Choice" - is a argument designed advance a polictical agenda. The "Choice" concept appeals to teenagers and twenty-somethings who are still in the "nobody is going to tell me what to do" phase of life.

[mondo joe]

71. And when you can carry a fetus in YOUR body it will be YOUR choice.

The anti-choice argument appeals to fascists who want to dictate to others.

[Misunderestimator]

79. Sorry buddy.... you're way out of line here.

[Name removed]

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[spuddonna]

37. Well he's got my sympathy!

"She went on the pill, I used condoms, and we even used a spermicidal lubricant just in case."

What the hell else were they supposed to do? Have sex in space suits?!

Amazingly enough, mistakes happen! I am very happy to hear that your family is so happy with the unplanned kiddies, however, many other people don't have the family support, the financial means, or the health to pull it off.

How about a little compassion? We chide the Republicans because they say they are 'compassionate' and then kick people in the ass when they're down. I thought this group was a little different!

[hexola]

41. Teenage College students?

however, many other people don't have the family support, the financial means, or the health to pull it off.

Teenage College students? Doesn't fit your description...

I know it seems scary...once you are doing it...you wonder what you ever worried about.

2 abortions in 6 months...I wonder if shes had anymore?

[Modem Butterfly]

52. I was a female college student

I didn't have financial support- my parents were broke and I worked full-time on top of scholarships and student loans to get through school. If I had gotten pregnant in college I would have had to have an abortion in order to graduate and throw all my work down the drain. Not something I would have done to suit someone else's fucked up sense of morality.

[Name removed]

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[MissB]

85. How fascinating that you're concerned about the woman's number

of abortions.

[spuddonna]

109. What exactly are you trying to say?

"Teenage college students? Doesn't fit your description..."

Right... Cause everyone that goes to college goes because their parents are wealthy... I worked my way through college, amassed HUGE debt... my parents didn't, and couldn't have, contributed to my education because they were dirt poor.

I knew many people that were in the same boat financially because I worked with them. However, I was lucky, because I had a family that would have supported me if I'd gotten pregnant. Many of my friends didn't...

You keep attacking points that people bring up, yet you won't plainly state what your own beliefs are... Is it the number of abortions she had that seems to bother you so much? Is it the idea of abortion at all? Look, I'm a 'cafeteria Catholic', I don't like the idea of abortion. If you have a chance to avoid it, that's the best possible situation. But that's what this couple did, and everything worked against them.

[Modem Butterfly]

51. I got pregnant while I was on the pill

No one told me that some anti-biotics counteract birthcontrol pills. In our case, I had an ectopic pregnancy that ruptured. But the first thought that came to my head when I found out I was pregnant was that I was glad to be able to have an abortion.

[bicentennial_baby]

59. Me too

I don't trust the pill...nope.

[hexola]

87. Both of my stepsons...

were concieved while the mother was on the pill...

She had them anyway...

[Modem Butterfly]

93. That was her choice alone, and she's welcome to it

The rest of us must make our own choices.

[wader]

40. Fate is not a universally accepted concept

In this case, it is your own: chance occurred when it came to inducing pregnancy, so you claim that nothing should have been done but accept it.

Should we call all other potential choices in our lives, "fate" as well? That is, simply give in to whatever happens around or within us, and not resist or redirect events based on our conscious desires or capabilities?

Your logic, reasoning and compassion seem privately focused, and not terribly applicable to the points being made. Certainly, children can be a focusing and overall enriching event for new parents - even when due to an accident. But, just as certain, they may become part of a much less positive situation by their innocent needs and implications to those parents; one can find examples on many sides, here.

The point of the initial post was to note that choice is not to be taken - or, taken away - lightly, but that we are surely all the better for having it available.

- wader

[hexola]

44. The initial post makes a piss poor case for abortion...

The point of the initial post was to note that choice is not to be taken - or, taken away - lightly, but that we are surely all the better for having it available.

I agree with that sentiment...however I dont think the initial post makes the case...

[Hello_Kitty]

62. Excuse me, Your Holiness, but

Who the hell has to make a case for abortion to you!! Obviously, you feel a certain way about it and you are entitled to live your life accordingly. Just because you and your friends/family just luuuuuuurved having babies doesn't mean it will be the same for everyone. I don't force you to have abortions so don't tell me what to do, 'k?

[hexola]

69. I dont think Ive told anyone "what to do"

Just shared my experience...

[Name removed]

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[MissB]

86. Thank you

:hi:

[mondo joe]

67. Your idea that pregnancy is fate might explain the many accidents in your

life - but it maakes a piss poor case for how to live life.

[Norquist Nemesis]

78. I think It makes the case

You don't. Both are our opinions.

When he says he was thankful to live in a country where they had the option...that means choices.

So, I ask. If the Government can force a woman to carry a pregnancy from conception to cradle, what is to stop the Government from forcing a woman to terminate a pregnancy at some point in the future?

[PittLib]

45. welcome to DU wader ...

well said.

[wader]

89. Greetings PittLib

I've been reading here for awhile, but finally decided to register and post - some topics are too important for allowing single-minded people to trash recklessly without hearing a counterpoint, IMHO.

- wader

[PittLib]

104. Amen to that ...

you are off to an excellent start. You'd think this place would be free of such judgment (which many of us strive to be above) but it does happen. While unfortunate, it teaches me to keep my own judgments in check and fosters greater tolerance. I look forward to your future posts. :hi:

[yewberry]

43. How nice for you.

And are you so thoroughly convinced that your (and your friends') decisions are right for EVERYONE that you'd create legislation to make the decisions for them?

Really, congratulations for your happiness, but your own experiences oughtn't be the only source for input regarding this issue.

[hexola]

76. No, I do not suggest any change in the law...

Obviously there many good, legit resons to keep it legal...but getting teenagers out of trouble is not one of them...

I think the "choice" argument tends normalize abortion...and makes it a "moral" choice...especially among young people who arent rushing toward being responsible adults...

but your own experiences oughtn't be the only source for input regarding this issue.

...nor should the intial post...

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

91. Gotta PUNISH! Gotta PUNISH! (UPDATED)

Unfortunately for you and others who think like you, current US law DOES allow "teenage college students to get out of trouble" (as you so nicely put it) so it seems to me you DO advocate a change in the law.

[KyndCulture]

47. Keep your vitriol to yourself.

That was a rude post...

[Modem Butterfly]

50. Not everyone feels the same way you do

All of my friends who got knocked up and had the kids are as happy as people can be.

You may find this hard to believe, but not everyone shares your opinion.

2 abortions in 6 months will fetch fairly limited sympathy...

Only from people who are generally unsympathetic to begin with.

[I Have A Dream]

102. I agree, Modem Butterfly. In reference to the first issue in your post...

where he says All of my friends who got knocked up and had the kids are as happy as people can be., maybe they're so happy because they were given a choice. This would probably not be the same for people who have the situation forced on them.

[Name removed]

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[hexola]

72. STEP-children...

I have no biological children of my own...

So - they arent my mistakes...I'm taking up the slack for some other loser who probably wishes the kids were aborted...

Nowhere have I suggested that abortion should be made illegal or carry any legal consequences. Life takes care of that.

[Inland]

97. Yep, life just takes care of everything. Don't worry, have children.

Apparently the lesson is that one should just have children knowing that somebody else will care for them. Sure it is.

Whatever. Most of my friends know it is ridiculous to have children in the mere hope you would pick up the pieces of their lives and the lives of their offspring. They also think it's idiotic that anyone could breezily predict that someone else's life would work out okay.

They think that the point of the OP is that people who have abortions often really do what they think is best after careful consideration, and that it takes a special sort of gall decide from the distance of ten years and the internet that it was wrong and that the OP should at least be miserable about it.

[Name removed]

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[Name removed]

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[hexola]

80. STEP children...

cant you people read...?

No mistakes of my own...

[mondo joe]

82. None, I guess, other than the one aborted by your ex.

Maybe you shouldn't generalize your experience to everyone.

[Name removed]

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[mondo joe]

90. Or maybe she just didn't want to have a baby. You know - the thing you

consider her "fate".

[Lars39]

94. She may have not wanted to have YOUR baby;

being tied down to you might not have been what she wanted.

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

95. Smart lady. (nt)

[Misunderestimator]

98. WTF? "this baby may have come out of the shoot a differnet color"

On SO MANY LEVELS, that is one of the most DISGUSTING posts I have ever read!!

First you are calling her a slut, you are denegrating her as a woman, calling her vagina a SHOOT, and you are saying that she might have been impregnated by a man who is non-white INSINUATING that that somehow makes her more of a slut.

Holy SHIT!

[hexola]

99. just saying...

It would have been obvious that the child was not mine...

[Misunderestimator]

100. No, that's not what you said... you said what you said...

And what you said was SEXIST and RACIST!! Two for one!

[ultraist]

105. Hexola---you should retract your sick comments

It's very obvious that you RESENT "picking up the slack" for your girlfriend's "mistakes."

Is someone FORCING you to "pick up the slack" for your "STEP children?" Hmmm? Or is it YOUR CHOICE? It's abusive to project that attitude on children.

Your other comments are punitive, hostile and simply, DEMENTED.

[hexola]

108. My step children are in no way resented...

My soon to be wife has her tubes tied. So when I decided that I was in love for this woman for good...I knew that I was kissing the chance of having any children of my own goodbye. One of the reasons - perhaps - I look back on my own situation with disdain.

But - I decided that I should not look a gift horse in the mouth, and try to do my best with the children that have been charged to my care. Ablsolutely my choice. I think I've told them this. If not - I'll make sure I tell them tonight.

I do somewhat resent the real father - no support, 7 DUIs, major physical abuser...3 out of the last 7 years in jail - yeah, slack! Nonetheless - I try to keep them in contact with him...I dont run him down in front of them. But for the most part - he is content to drink his life away. However - at this point, they've lived most of their lives with me. They talk like me, they move like me, they just look like someone else...

The grandchildren dont know the differnence...Pappy is Pappy...it will be years before they make the connection.

I'll try to write something later that might more accurately define my views on this subject. I'm not religious - I don't want Roe repealed.

It's really the politics/concept of "Choice" that gets my goat...I'll start a new thread and try to explain.

I'll try to tone it down a bit...maybe I wont say anything - I dont want Roe changed - and that puts us all on the same team - for the upcoming battle.

Sorry to ruffle and feathers...

[SemiCharmedQuark]

96. "No mistakes of my own"

Well thank goodness we have perfection like you to judge the rest of us.

Your posts are rich. You call your ex a "slut" and show obvious animosity towards her, yet you say she should have kept the kid...which is funny because you wouldn't even have taken care of it if it weren't "the right color". So say she did have the kid and then you choose to believe it's not yours. What then? She's screwed into having to take care of a kid on her own? Yeah, that's fair. :eyes:

[bleedingheart]

64. You don't know what a load of Crap really is...

come over to my house one day and you can sit on my patio and watch as my neighbor ignores her 5 kids.

You can watch as her son calls her a cow, just like dad, and how they have decided to isolate and almost emotionally abuse their 5 year old who is struggling socially as well as academically.

You can watch as they dump them out into the yard at first light and only shepard them in for meals....and then watch as the neighbors watch out for them....the same neighbors fear that these kids will end up in prison one day or worse without any guidance.

I say Kudos to anyone who knows what the right choice for them is...whether it is having a baby or not.

As for two abortions in one year...I am not going to judge anyone.

[ArkDem]

70. Sacrilege! J'Accuse!!!!

:popcorn:

[progmom]

83. Did you even read his post?

[loudestchick]

92. Almost 20 yrs after my abortion at age 16...

And I'm still enthusiastic about a woman's right to choose. I have been married for 14 yrs and have three children (by choice).

[spuddonna]

33. Thank you for sharing this!

It is wonderful that you were there for her, and I feel for you...

I have a friend who also had an abortion. She was in her early twenties, and it was an incredibly hard decision for her. We were close friends but I didn't learn of the fact until years after it had happened. I think she was afraid that I wouldn't approve because I'm Catholic (although I'm pro-choice and she knew that - I think she was still afraid I'd judge her...) I KNOW it was one of the hardest things for her to do in her life... and she is an amazing, strong woman.

I am still amazed that there are men (and women) who feel they can tell other people what they can do with their own bodies. I have never heard the fundies come out and chastize men for having vasectomies! I'd love to see them try to pass a law against men getting vasectomies! Watch the right wind guys run screaming into the night with their Viagra! :)
"I'm Bob Dole, take the little blue pill, but stay away from my nut sack!"

[PittLib]

38. Thanks Matt and Nevernose ...

for sharing. I have multiple scenarios within my own family (mother, sister, 2 aunts and cousin) that run the gamut from having to put a child up for adoption, to single motherhood, to abortion (positive and regrettable). My sister's story is especially interesting because my mother was forced to give her up (they subsequently reconnected) and she had to make a choice as well when she became pregnant while going through a nasty divorce. She now lives with a man and his daughter, whose wife left him after giving birth. She did not want the baby ... he did, so he convinced her to have the child - she signed away all parental rights and went her own way. I admire that tremendously, but I understand that it is not always in the realm of possibility. I'm a 30 year-old single woman with no desire (at this point anyway) to have children. I take parenting very seriously and realize how hard it can be. I have never had to make a choice, but not because I have always been careful ... I've been lucky. I see how the choices made by the women in my family have effected their lives ... good and bad, and while I may have chosen differently in their situation, I realize that it is not for me to judge. I have nothing but respect as they are the ones who have to live with their decisions.

We really need to refrain for using the right wing phrase "pro-life" as if pro-choice is otherwise ... I am pro-life. There is no such thing as pro-abortion ... even if you chose that to exercise that option, it doesn't mean that you are advocating abortion for all. Sorry, preaching to the choir, for the most part ... but there is a certain self-righteousness in labeling oneself "pro-life" for simply believing that abortion is morally objectionable. No one suggests that it is a picnic. However, if you do not believe in being absolute about it and making illegal ... you are pro-choice.

[annabanana]

57. If and when..

you decide to have kids, they will have a good Mom.
(I didn't meet my one and only until I was 34 and had my first at 36, my second at 39),,,

[PittLib]

103. Thanks annabanana ... I hope so.

I don't feel the need to have children, meaning ... I'm not concerned with social pressure or judgment stating that it is somehow my obligation. I will only do so if I feel that I can dedicate my life to (or the at least prioritize) the person I create and place their best interests above my own. I'm not at that point and I think I'll be able to accept it if I never reach it. Please understand ... I try to refrain from judging others' motivation to have children and respect individual choices. It's just that I was raised by a woman who saw me as an extention of her own ego, and I refuse to follow suit. I want to be able to love the child as a separate entity, not as my personal property.

I think everyone should own an animal before choosing to have a child. They so reflect your capacity to be responsible for another life. That being said, I have an obese chihuahua, a hyperactive Jack Russell, a mopey mixed breed and a cat who loves me until I try to pet her. One big, sweet dysfunctional family. Obviously my parenting skills are sorely lacking, but there may still be hope.

[Swamp Rat]

42. Thank you for sharing your experience.

:)

[KyndCulture]

46. Matt, thank you. This is my story. You are not alone!

I'm crossposting this from Radio News America's forum, we had the same thought on the same day, to tell our stories..



I've told this story on Randi's board, but in the light of the neo-con corporate interest anti-women shill that was just nominated, it bears repeating again.

I am 39 years old and I had an abortion 2 years ago. If Roe v. Wade had been overturned, I would be dead. That's right. DEAD. Why is that? That is because in 1998 I was diagnosed with cervical cancer. I had surgery to remove the tumor and I thought that battle was over. The tumor reappeared in 2003....and due to a mistake by a nurse who was not paying attention to what she was doing, I was given a half dose of depoprovera at the same time the small tumor was discovered. Not having had a full dose, I got pregnant. I didn't even know I was pregnant until I was almost 18 weeks because of the tumor my body doesn't work the way it should. Without going into the details, I'll just say that me carrying a child to full term is a death sentence. So in Nov of 2003 I had a second trimester abortion that saved my life. It was difficult to find a doctor to perform the abortion and I had to travel 4 hours from my home and stay in a seedy hotel in downtown minneapolis to have the 3 day procedure, but that doctor saved my life. She is the only doctor in Minnesota that would take on such a procedure and she is an angel. Her office is hidden on the top floor of a medical office building. Her office is unmarked and you must have a code given to you to punch into the elevator to even get to her office. That's how many death threats this grandmother of 10 has had. When you leave her office, because of the number of people that watch that building from right wing crazyass violent terrorist so called "pro-life" groups, when you leave, they bandage your face with an eye patch or give you a fake cast on your arm so you won't be in danger going to your car. All that to have a procedure that is legal and was life saving to me.

Judge John Roberts would have me condemned to death to save the life of a fetus that would never have been viable in the first place. In what civilized country is this right?

So this is my story and one of the reasons that I am extremely politically involved. Women's lives are at stake here with this nomination. I don't mind telling the world I had an abortion, there is no stigma on me about it. It was the ONLY choice I had. How many more women like me are there that will die if Bush gets his way? I wouldn't be here writing the message if Roe v. Wade had been overturned.My two teenage kids would have lost their mother. I would have been dead.

We cannot let this happen to us and to our daughters.

[nicknameless]

110. Thank you for sharing that story, KyndCulture.

I can't believe all of the posts I've read, since Roberts' nomination, that basically say that we should compromise on this issue. Translation: "Hell, it's only women's lives, after all." :argh:

[roguevalley]

48. hugs to you, honey. hugs to all three of you in this case.

[YOY]

49. I had a similar experience to the first half of your story

A long time friend got pregnant by a jerk of an ex-boyfriend (abusive both physically and mentally as I found out later.) She made her own choice...I told her I would help her as a friend no matter what her choice was. I took the time to help her to the clinic. Not fun. Not a fun and happy thing at all.

The hard core religious right acts as though all those who support reproductive rights believe that abortion is a glorious wonderful thing. Explaining the difference between believing something is a necessary right and that something is wonderful experience is incredibly difficult.

The song "Brick" by Ben Folds Five has significant meaning to me...might have meaning to you if you've ever listened to it.

[annabanana]

53. Thank you for letting us in

to what is an intensely personal story. Those of us who consider ourselves progressive are committed to personal liberty and privacy in our most important personal decisions.

No one should ever, ever be able to legislate what you MUST or MUST NOT do in difficult circumstances like this.

[noonwitch]

56. I took a friend to the clinic when we were in college

She was young, and the father was worthless. Another man, a good guy, had proposed to her and offered to help her raise the child, but she didn't want to marry him, because she was his friend, he had a crush on her, and she saw that as being the wrong reason to get married. She was right, too, and decided to have an abortion.

The night after she found out she was pregnant, we went to a party and she drank a good part of a fifth of JD, and lots of beer. The next day, one of our catholic mutual friends had talked her out of the abortion, offering to be her roommate and help her take care of the baby. When she came to me afterwards, to tell me she didn't need a ride to the clinic because she decided that having the abortion would be killing her baby, I was brutal and honest. I told her "You killed your baby last night, an abortion is just a formality". I know it was cold, but she did get the abortion after all.

[Triana]

58. Thanks Matt...

...you did the right thing by her and yourself and that is most important. You did the right thing by sharing this story, too. People need to know that the decision to have (or not) an abortion is rarely made lightly and that REAL lives (yours, the child's) are at stake and affected in HUGE ways by whatever decision is made - and that sometimes even when EVERY precaution is taken - the methods can still fail. I doubt the magnitude of this can get into the rock-hard, vacuum-packed skulls of the fundies who want legal, safe abortions outlawed.

Thank you for putting some light on this.

[bleedingheart]

63. Thanks for sharing

[DanCa]

65. Thanks matt and keep pucning

Dont let some inbreed jerk your chain.

[borlis]

66. Thanks for sharing this.

I'm sure it wasn't easy to re-live it all. You and your ex-girlfirend have incredibly good heads on your shoulders. The government has no right to tell a woman what to do with her body.

Welcome to DU! :hi:

[emdee]

73. Thank you for sharing that....

I wish that people would realize how easy it is to know what you'd do in any given circumstance----until you actually find yourself there.

I have no doubt that Republicans utilize this procedure as much as any other group, btw. I think they know that they can be vocal, get the brownie-points, and still not lose their own choice in the matter.

Thank you for opening up as you did.
emdee

[livinginphotographs]

75. Great post.

:thumbsup:

[Misunderestimator]

77. I wish we were a choir here. We should stand together on this. Thank you

for a really wonderful (and well-written) post! :thumbsup:

[Ilsa]

88. A letter like yours would make an excellent LTTE, but of course,

"Anonymously" to protect yours and her privacy.

Thank you for standing with women for reproductive right and access to health care.

[catzies]

101. Here's a hug for you Matt, and thanks for sharing your story

:hug:

I'm part of a project right now that believes that sharing these stories is going to help turn the current anti-choice climate around.

Bless you.

[bloom]

107. Thank you for sharing your story.

:hi:

:hug:

[nicknameless]

111. Thank you so much for helping to put a personal face on this issue.

I really appreciate that you were willing to share your story.
:hug: