Heterosexuals, Take Note:

[The Icon Painter]

I just ran across this and hope it is acceptable in this forum.

This questionnaire is for self-avowed heterosexuals only. If you are not openly heterosexual, pass it on to a friend who is. Please try to answer the questions as candidly as possible. Your responses will be held in strict confidence and your anonymity fully protected.

1. What do you think caused your heterosexuality?

2. When and how did you first decide you were a heterosexual?

3. Is it possible your heterosexuality is just a phase you may grow out of?

4. Could it be that your heterosexuality stems from a neurotic fear of others of the same sex?

5. If you’ve never slept with a person of the same sex, how can you be sure you wouldn’t prefer that?

6. To whom have you disclosed your heterosexual tendencies? How did they react?

7. Why do heterosexuals feel compelled to seduce others into their lifestyle?

8. Why do you insist on flaunting your heterosexuality? Can’t you just be what you are and keep it quiet?

9. Would you want your children to be heterosexual, knowing the problems they’d face?

10. A disproportionate majority of child molesters are heterosexual men. Do you consider it safe to expose children to heterosexual male teachers, pediatricians, priests, or scoutmasters?


11. With all the societal support for marriage, the divorce rate is spiraling. Why are there so few stable relationships among heterosexuals?

12. Why do heterosexuals place so much emphasis on sex?

13. Considering the menace of overpopulation, how could the human race survive if everyone were heterosexual?

14. Could you trust a heterosexual therapist to be objective? Don’t you fear s/he might be inclined to influence you in the direction of her/his own leanings?

15. Heterosexuals are notorious for assigning themselves and one another rigid, stereotyped sex roles. Why must you cling to such unhealthy role-playing?

16. With the sexually segregated living conditions of military life, isn’t heterosexuality incompatible with military service?

17. How can you enjoy an emotionally fulfilling experience with a person of the other sex when there are such vast differences between you? How can a man know what pleases a woman sexually or vice-versa?

18. Shouldn’t you ask your far-out straight cohorts, like skinheads and born-agains, to keep quiet? Wouldn’t that improve your image?

19. Why are heterosexuals so promiscuous?

20. Why do you attribute heterosexuality to so many famous lesbian and gay people? Is it to justify your own heterosexuality?

21. How can you hope to actualize your God-given homosexual potential if you limit yourself to exclusive, compulsive heterosexuality?

22. There seem to be very few happy heterosexuals. Techniques have been developed that might enable you to change if you really want to. After all, you never deliberately chose to be a heterosexual, did you? Have you considered aversion therapy or Heterosexuals Anonymous?

[KarenInMA]

1. that's awesome! Thanks!

[Orsino]

2. Unfortunately, many of us are too closeted...

...to feel comfortable responding.

[davidinalameda]

3. this is a new version

thanks for posting it

[TahitiNut]

4. As a celebate, I feel left out.

:silly: I've gotten fucked so badly by the Bushoilinis, I wonder if I even qualify as a celebate anymore.

[Zorbuddha]

6. My thoughts exactly.

I am a reluctant monk. I once was a heterosexual, but it wasn't by choice...usually by begging and coercion.

[Big Kahuna]

5. Too long

You should have limited it to 10 questions.. By the time you anser it, the post would be on page 3 or 4

[freeplessinseattle]

18. um, it's sarcasm. to illustrate a point.

but I'd be curious to hear your responses to the questions, even 5.

[dxstone]

20. Too long?

That's what she said last night...
d

[bridgit]

7. this one's not correct in my experience...

"12. Why do heterosexuals place so much emphasis on sex?"

i love my gay friends, it would not be a proper world without them, but no one, and i repeat no one talks more & so variously 'at the drop of a hat' about "sex" than they do. maybe i need new friends :shrug:

[Maiden England]

8. you should hang out with me and my girlfriends

I seriously doubt anyone could outdo us, since sex is usually all we talk about...although we do tone it down in front of guys, we whisper and giggle a lot then!

[bridgit]

15. well 'that' i should say...

and the upcoming auditions for various 1st chair oboe/french horn positions (no pun intended) in major market-worldwide symphonies :rofl:

[kliljedahl]

9. That's funny, where did you find it?

Keith’s Barbeque Central

[The Icon Painter]

13. Where?

It was in the blog of a good friend who gave me permission to share. :evilgrin:

[kliljedahl]

14. Thanks for sharing, already copied & printed.

Keith’s Barbeque Central

[Paula Sims]

10. Another question to add

23. Why do you feel it necessary to force the heterosexual agenda on others?

[kliljedahl]

11. That's a good one, for post #69

Keith’s Barbeque Central

[sendero]

12. I don't need the test, thanks :)

See, when I was about 10 years old I stumbled upon some topless girlie pictures. I felt a physiological reaction in my groinal area.

I did not really understand it at the time, but it was at that point that I became a heterosexual :)

[Warren DeMontague]

17. How do you know you weren't just 'conditioned' to respond that way?

Plenty of people will make that argument re: gays, and some certainly try to float that flarm with heterosexuals as well.

[sendero]

24. I'm just relating..

... a true anecdote. Anyone can draw from it whatever they wish :)

[Warren DeMontague]

16. Yes, of course, if we could be "cured" surely many of us would jump at it.

After all, it's a royal pain in the ass, sometimes.

[MsTryska]

19. i'll play!!

1. What do you think caused your heterosexuality?

~~~~i'm not entirely sure - i think i was born this way.

2. When and how did you first decide you were a heterosexual?

~~~~at 3 when i asked a neighborhood boy to drop his pants and show me his goods.

3. Is it possible your heterosexuality is just a phase you may grow out of?

~~~~maybe. but considering it's been 30 years since the boy above, i'm guessing no.

4. Could it be that your heterosexuality stems from a neurotic fear of others of the same sex?

~~~~i share a home with someone of the same sex.

5. If you’ve never slept with a person of the same sex, how can you be sure you wouldn’t prefer that?

~~~~because when i think of women i know naked - i get kind of icky feeling inside.

6. To whom have you disclosed your heterosexual tendencies? How did they react?

~~~~pretty much everyone. they've take it in stride.

7. Why do heterosexuals feel compelled to seduce others into their lifestyle?

~~~~~i didn't realize there was a "seduction" there. am i seducing you? right now? wanna come back to my place?

8. Why do you insist on flaunting your heterosexuality? Can’t you just be what you are and keep it quiet?

~~~~~i am who i am. i didn't realize i was being loud.

9. Would you want your children to be heterosexual, knowing the problems they’d face?

~~~~~i jsut want my kids to be happy and healthy.

10. A disproportionate majority of child molesters are heterosexual men. Do you consider it safe to expose children to heterosexual male teachers, pediatricians, priests, or scoutmasters?

~~~~~an even larger majority are serial killers. they scare me.


11. With all the societal support for marriage, the divorce rate is spiraling. Why are there so few stable relationships among heterosexuals?


~~~~~~because hetrosexuals are selffish selfish people.

12. Why do heterosexuals place so much emphasis on sex?

~~~~~~cuz it feels good.

13. Considering the menace of overpopulation, how could the human race survive if everyone were heterosexual?

~~~~~~reproductive rights, baby.

14. Could you trust a heterosexual therapist to be objective? Don’t you fear s/he might be inclined to influence you in the direction of her/his own leanings?

~~~~~~you make a good point. all my best therapists have been flaming homosexuals.

15. Heterosexuals are notorious for assigning themselves and one another rigid, stereotyped sex roles. Why must you cling to such unhealthy role-playing?

~~~~~~somebody needs to move the furniture and somebody needs to tell the furniture mover what to do.

16. With the sexually segregated living conditions of military life, isn’t heterosexuality incompatible with military service?

~~~~~~~what does sex have to do with killing? it seems kind of unhealthy to me.

17. How can you enjoy an emotionally fulfilling experience with a person of the other sex when there are such vast differences between you? How can a man know what pleases a woman sexually or vice-versa?

~~~~~you make a good point. and i'm sure there's lots of unfulfilled people out there. and i bet they all vote republican.

18. Shouldn’t you ask your far-out straight cohorts, like skinheads and born-agains, to keep quiet? Wouldn’t that improve your image?

~~~~~hell yes.

19. Why are heterosexuals so promiscuous?

~~~~~low self-esteem.

20. Why do you attribute heterosexuality to so many famous lesbian and gay people? Is it to justify your own heterosexuality?

~~~~~~what are you saying? James Dean is gay?

21. How can you hope to actualize your God-given homosexual potential if you limit yourself to exclusive, compulsive heterosexuality?


~~~~~~guess i'm going to hell. wait does a threesome with 2 bisexuals count?

22. There seem to be very few happy heterosexuals. Techniques have been developed that might enable you to change if you really want to. After all, you never deliberately chose to be a heterosexual, did you? Have you considered aversion therapy or Heterosexuals Anonymous?


~~~~umm....i guess i really don't want to change. now what?

[dxstone]

21. Hilarious!

Turnabout is indeed fair play...

[Redstone]

22. OK, I'll help you out.

1. What do you think caused your heterosexuality?

Don't know.


2. When and how did you first decide you were a heterosexual?

Can't remember. Probably the first time I slept with a woman.


3. Is it possible your heterosexuality is just a phase you may grow out of?

Anything's possible.


4. Could it be that your heterosexuality stems from a neurotic fear of others of the same sex?

Anything's possible.


5. If you’ve never slept with a person of the same sex, how can you be sure you wouldn’t prefer that?

Can't be sure of anything, can we?


6. To whom have you disclosed your heterosexual tendencies? How did they react?

Everyone. They didn't care.


7. Why do heterosexuals feel compelled to seduce others into their lifestyle?

I'm not compelled to seduce anyone into anything, except my wife into bed.


8. Why do you insist on flaunting your heterosexuality? Can’t you just be what you are and keep it quiet?

I do keep it quiet.


9. Would you want your children to be heterosexual, knowing the problems they’d face?

They'll make their own decisions. They'll be what they are.


10. A disproportionate majority of child molesters are heterosexual men. Do you consider it safe to expose children to heterosexual male teachers, pediatricians, priests, or scoutmasters?

Child molesters are not human, so standard classifications of human sexuality do not apply to them.


11. With all the societal support for marriage, the divorce rate is spiraling. Why are there so few stable relationships among heterosexuals?

Because people are unstable, for the most part.


12. Why do heterosexuals place so much emphasis on sex?

Because it's fun.


13. Considering the menace of overpopulation, how could the human race survive if everyone were heterosexual?

By surviving.


14. Could you trust a heterosexual therapist to be objective? Don’t you fear s/he might be inclined to influence you in the direction of her/his own leanings?

Who needs a therapist?


15. Heterosexuals are notorious for assigning themselves and one another rigid, stereotyped sex roles. Why must you cling to such unhealthy role-playing?

I cling to nothing, and play no roles.


16. With the sexually segregated living conditions of military life, isn’t heterosexuality incompatible with military service?

Lots of things are incompatible with military service.


17. How can you enjoy an emotionally fulfilling experience with a person of the other sex when there are such vast differences between you? How can a man know what pleases a woman sexually or vice-versa?

Ask them what they like.


18. Shouldn’t you ask your far-out straight cohorts, like skinheads and born-agains, to keep quiet? Wouldn’t that improve your image?

They're not my cohorts.


19. Why are heterosexuals so promiscuous?

Some are, some aren't.


20. Why do you attribute heterosexuality to so many famous lesbian and gay people? Is it to justify your own heterosexuality?

I don't attribute anything to anyone. I mind my own business. (PS: This questions misuses the word "attribute." Consult a dictionary, please.)


21. How can you hope to actualize your God-given homosexual potential if you limit yourself to exclusive, compulsive heterosexuality?

I don't actualize anything.


22. There seem to be very few happy heterosexuals. Techniques have been developed that might enable you to change if you really want to. After all, you never deliberately chose to be a heterosexual, did you? Have you considered aversion therapy or Heterosexuals Anonymous?

I know lots of happy heterosexuals. I'm one of them.

----In case anyone is wondering why I took the time to answere these questions, it was just to illustrate the fact that this kind of "questionaire" is incredibly lame, even as satire.

Redstone

[donheld]

23. Wonderful

this should be read by everybody

[jbnow]

25. OK, since we need to get to the roots of this heterosexual threat

1. What do you think caused your heterosexuality?

I think there was some undue hormonal influence, in utero.

2. When and how did you first decide you were a heterosexual?

Boy, it was hard to face. All my closest friends were girls, like I was. Yet when hormones started stirring and I was feeling my Cheerios it was the male form I craved. I couldn't explain it.

3. Is it possible your heterosexuality is just a phase you may grow out of?

I am 50. Is it to late for me? Actually if I woke up beside my beloved and he had metamorphosed into a female, I might be gay. I love that being and though I would miss his penis, I wouldn't love him less or turn elsewhere.

4. Could it be that your heterosexuality stems from a neurotic fear of others of the same sex?

Nah, some of my best friends are the same sex.

5. If you’ve never slept with a person of the same sex, how can you be sure you wouldn’t prefer that?

It's that inner longing toward that tells me who I want to sleep with. There are only so many techniques.

6. To whom have you disclosed your heterosexual tendencies? How did they react?

People just learn on a need to know basis. If I wanted them, they needed to know and reacted with delight.

7. Why do heterosexuals feel compelled to seduce others into their lifestyle?

You mean the heterosexual agenda?

8. Why do you insist on flaunting your heterosexuality? Can’t you just be what you are and keep it quiet?

Hey, I'm no flaming hetero. I try to blend in. I can't remember the last time I marched in a straight parade.

9. Would you want your children to be heterosexual, knowing the problems they’d face?

I'd have to honor their choice. It would be harder if it was my daughter that was straight, knowing she'd be unnecessarily exposed to higher risk of infections and diseases that are penis sponsored. But I'd have to accept her choice.

10. A disproportionate majority of child molesters are heterosexual men. Do you consider it safe to expose children to heterosexual male teachers, pediatricians, priests, or scoutmasters?

An honest answer...I started talking to my kids at a young age about always telling, even if someone made them promise not to or made threats. Not just about sexual predators, but we talked regularly about it and helped bring it into elementary schools in a fun, non-threatening way.

11. With all the societal support for marriage, the divorce rate is spiraling. Why are there so few stable relationships among heterosexuals?

There are so few stable people.

12. Why do heterosexuals place so much emphasis on sex?

Sex is very fun. Oh, that's not what you mean.
I knew a guy who had a chapter of a book called "Sex is dirty, save it for someone you love"

13. Considering the menace of overpopulation, how could the human race survive if everyone were heterosexual?

Yes, but on the other hand straight women are exposed to AIDS more easily, more likely to get cervical cancer and are killed by their male partners. That helps.

14. Could you trust a heterosexual therapist to be objective? Don’t you fear s/he might be inclined to influence you in the direction of her/his own leanings?

I'm trembling.

15. Heterosexuals are notorious for assigning themselves and one another rigid, stereotyped sex roles. Why must you cling to such unhealthy role-playing?

Because when I got married they made us read a book called the Act of Marriage. The one thing I remember is that men had to kill the bugs. I like that. I got divorced but I still go by that rule.
And don't you worry, my men cook and clean too.

16. With the sexually segregated living conditions of military life, isn’t heterosexuality incompatible with military service?

Yes, heterosexuality and homosexuality are incompatible with military service right now.

17. How can you enjoy an emotionally fulfilling experience with a person of the other sex when there are such vast differences between you? How can a man know what pleases a woman sexually or vice-versa?

Practice, practice, practice

18. Shouldn’t you ask your far-out straight cohorts, like skinheads and born-agains, to keep quiet? Wouldn’t that improve your image?

I'd like us better. (Though I think a lot of them are overcompensating for their inner homosexuality. )

19. Why are heterosexuals so promiscuous?

OK...I am going to sound a little sexist here, but men of either persuasion put the promiscuity into the population.

20. Why do you attribute heterosexuality to so many famous lesbian and gay people? Is it to justify your own heterosexuality?

We want to believe they reflect us if we like them.

21. How can you hope to actualize your God-given homosexual potential if you limit yourself to exclusive, compulsive heterosexuality?

If I like sex with men this much, in other lives when I was a man I bet I was gay. God takes that into consideration.

22. There seem to be very few happy heterosexuals... Have you considered aversion therapy or Heterosexuals Anonymous?

I know many friends who have dated/married men expert at this aversion therapy.

[The Icon Painter]

27. LOL

Your answers are inspired. Love you.

[skids]

26. OK, I'm taking notes.

(ATTENTION HUMOR IMPAIRED: This is entirely in jest. :sarcasm: AND PARODY ALERT!)

1. What do you think caused your heterosexuality?

Vanna White.

2. When and how did you first decide you were a heterosexual?

Through the magic of cable TV. Sometime around "Hot For Teacher."

3. Is it possible your heterosexuality is just a phase you may grow out of?

Not as long as Charlie's Angles is in syndication.

4. Could it be that your heterosexuality stems from a neurotic fear of others of the same sex?

Well, when it comes to booty, they ARE competition.

5. If you’ve never slept with a person of the same sex, how can you be sure you wouldn’t prefer that?

Think Henry Kissinger without his shirt on... nuff said.

6. To whom have you disclosed your heterosexual tendencies? How did they react?

Gentlemen don't kiss and tell.

7. Why do heterosexuals feel compelled to seduce others into their lifestyle?

Britney drives us to it.

8. Why do you insist on flaunting your heterosexuality? Can’t you just be what you are and keep it quiet?

Hey, I ran out of jockeys, I'm "going commando," and these jeans are tight. One whif of estrogen and the rest is completely beyond my control.

9. Would you want your children to be heterosexual, knowing the problems they’d face?

Oh hell no! Have you seen what the chicks are wearing in jr high these days? It must be utter torture.

10. A disproportionate majority of child molesters are heterosexual men. Do you consider it safe to expose children to heterosexual male teachers, pediatricians, priests, or scoutmasters?

What kind of sicko goes around exposing his own child?

11. With all the societal support for marriage, the divorce rate is spiraling. Why are there so few stable relationships among heterosexuals?

Dr. Phil has it in for us.

12. Why do heterosexuals place so much emphasis on sex?

Christine Aguilera

13. Considering the menace of overpopulation, how could the human race survive if everyone were heterosexual?

No matter how many of them die, the rest will still be horny.

14. Could you trust a heterosexual therapist to be objective? Don’t you fear s/he might be inclined to influence you in the direction of her/his own leanings?

What do massages have to do with objectivity?

15. Heterosexuals are notorious for assigning themselves and one another rigid, stereotyped sex roles. Why must you cling to such unhealthy role-playing?

The ritualization ensures we'll finish in time for our favorite TV shows.

16. With the sexually segregated living conditions of military life, isn’t heterosexuality incompatible with military service?

Military service sure does put a crimp in the old dating calendar, yes.

17. How can you enjoy an emotionally fulfilling experience with a person of the other sex when there are such vast differences between you? How can a man know what pleases a woman sexually or vice-versa?

Three words: long sharp fingernails.

18. Shouldn’t you ask your far-out straight cohorts, like skinheads and born-agains, to keep quiet? Wouldn’t that improve your image?

That depends on who wins the resulting fistfight.

19. Why are heterosexuals so promiscuous?

Hell I don't know. I've asked, but all it does is stare back at me with that sad eye and throb.

20. Why do you attribute heterosexuality to so many famous lesbian and gay people? Is it to justify your own heterosexuality?

Actually, we don't. We attribute bisexuality to them. Especially Melissa Etheridge. And also to the straight chicks. In infinite combinations of threesomes, foursomes, and moresomes. We don't have much control over our imaginations, you see.

21. How can you hope to actualize your God-given homosexual potential if you limit yourself to exclusive, compulsive heterosexuality?

Let me think about that for a second... or... two... Hey, do you think Claudia Black would have been better as Lara Croft than Angelina Jolie was?

22. There seem to be very few happy heterosexuals. Techniques have been developed that might enable you to change if you really want to. After all, you never deliberately chose to be a heterosexual, did you? Have you considered aversion therapy or Heterosexuals Anonymous?

Heterosexuals Anonymous? Sounds kinky! Where do I sign up?

[The Icon Painter]

28. Grand Answers

I think you have been inspired - by what, I dare not ask. LOL