A Sunday Morning Spent with A Crazy, Backwoods Conservative

[Flammable Materials]

From "TV On The Fritz" (http://tvonthefritz.blogspot.com/2005/09/sunday-morning-spent-with-crazy.html)

Yesterday, I did the Christian Dissent Live thing for Radio Free Nashville (WRFN-LP 98.9, licensed to Pasquo TN). Groggy from a night of musical stylings and hepped up on coffee, I backed over a pipe and scrapped the oil pan on the underlining of my mini-van.
The mini-van sputtered in a comical fashion similar to Disney's Steamboat Willie cartoon.
"Ka-chunk, ka-chunk," it went.
Sadly, the mini-van screeched to a complete stop in front of the house of a crazy conservative.
Now, not all conservatives are bat-shit, frothing-at-the-mouth-crazy, mind you. In fact, I can get along with most people. I'm a cordial guy or I like to think that I am. Plus, I trundle along in the footsteps of Jesus, so hatred isn't really an option.
But this conservative was bat-shit crazy like some toothless huckster on the set of Deliverance.
On first looks, though, he was relatively mild-mannered. He was kind of creepy all things considered (in a past life, he probably was a rapist of some sort). But since he was willing to help root out the problem, I was willing to overlook his creepy nature.
"Would you like a glass of water?" he asked, "I can get you a glass of water," he offered.
"Oh, no thanks," I told him. Truth be told, I wanted my daddy to come help and for him to just leave me the hell alone.
"Well, let me get an oil filter. We'll filter some oil," he goes.
"Oh, that's fine. I'm capable of waiting for my dad."
But as soon as I said that, the crazy conservative disappeared into the underbrush with an oil filter and a ready smile.
"Pop yur hood," he goes, licking his parched lips.
"Um, okay."
"What do you think that you did to your van?" he asked.
"Well, I was up at the radio station," I told him, pointing to the direction of Radio Free Nashville. "I think that I ran over something." Upon saying this, I recalled the polarizing nature of RFN. It's not like it's Lightning 100 or Jazz 89.
"Well, that's karma," he answered like a backwoods sage, "that's what you get for hanging out with faggot, pinko-commie, nigger-loving liberals."
My mouth was hanging open in utter shock as the crazy conservative lunged at me with his oil filter. "You faggot, baby-killing liberal," he goes. (Of course, this was the guy who two mintues prior was offering up water, mind you.)
"And you're a Christian, too?" he gaped, pointing to the metallic fish on the back of my mini-van.
"Uh-huh, well kind of..."
"You can't be Democrat and Christian. You baby-killing Christian," he muttered under his rank breath.
"Well, I don't necessarily agree with abortions," I started. "I don't think anyone is for abortions," I managed a nervous laugh.
"That's not what John Kerry said. He's a baby-killer."
The crazy conservative walked away completely disgusted. I was frightened by him because after the fact, he returned to chopping wood.
"He's probably going to butcher you up in tiny pieces with his ax," my brain said.
It was then that I lodged a phone call to Chris Martinez in near-tears.
"Will someone pick me up?" I asked, "he's chopping wood and he's bat-shit crazy."
Thankfully, I didn't hear from the crazy conservative ever again. My dad picked me up in his truck soon thereafter.
Let that be a lesson to you, kids. Never talk to strangers, especially those in the Pasquo area.

[lectrobyte]

1. love that line: You can't be Democrat and Christian.

Oh boy, if they really believe that, then they'll probably spontaneously combust if their bible happens to fall open to Matthew and they read some of that socialist stuff in there.

[Flammable Materials]

3. A perfect comeback ...

"Of course not. You have to be socialist to be a Christian ..."

;)

[kestrel91316]

4. Yep, camels and rich men and eyes of needles and such...........

[FreedomAngel82]

2. And I'm sure

he probably supports Bush's war. :eyes: These people get on my nerves so much. I guess they forgot "Love thy neighbor" eh?