If I Could Please Get Some Opinions on This Poetry of Mine...

[WritingIsMyReligion]

Anti-Iraqnam poetry I wrote on the fly right after hearing about Binka's son... No, it doesn't attack Bu$hCo... sorry to disappoint some of you there.

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"Eternity"

For those who know the pain
Of fear from war;
To the mothers and fathers
Of our brothers and sisters in Iraq.

May the hell end soon.

Floating up,
Floating down,
Sea of madness and tears.

Sound of gunshots,
Sight of fire,
Stench of overwhelming fear.

A mother's sharp grief,
Unbearable to feel,
Lasting through all the years.

Even after he's back,
You'll never forget
The pain you once had to bear.

Line Added on Edit: Knowing others didn't return...

So hold him tight,
Don't let him go back...
Your eternity together starts here...

~WritingIsMyReligion

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Interested in what you think... this was originally posted on Binka's thread... Please Read About Binka and Her Son

"Eternity" is reply #111.

--WIMR

[WritingIsMyReligion]

1. Hate to Self-Kick, but

:kick:

[knowbody0]

2. beautiful and powerful

thank you

[WritingIsMyReligion]

5. No, thank YOU.

Writing is a labor of love for me. What counts for me is if I manage to touch some people as I touch myself.

[knowbody0]

15. then YOU are beautiful

[WritingIsMyReligion]

16. Then I am a writer.... LOL. n/t

[Ksec]

3. I know nothing about poetry

But your feelings and compassion came through those words. Good job WIMR

[WritingIsMyReligion]

7. Thank you, though,

as realpolitik has said, it can use some work. Totally winging it, I was... silly me. :P

[Fovea]

4. honestly.

It is too unfocused and effaced.
Show me more, tell me less.

I believe you have the ability to do better than this.
Let's see another draft, with less doing more.

I have deliberately not read the referenced thread, which may
go some way to remove the weak narrative arc. But the poem should stand without supporting documentation, ideally.

[WritingIsMyReligion]

6. Aye, I was planning to do that...

I wrote this totally on the fly... this is still first draft.

Thanks for your ideas, though. Very interesting...

[MissMarple]

8. It made me cry.

I read it on Bink's thread. It is still making me cry.

Critically speaking, you may want to work on the last bit, it is not quite as strong as the first parts. But, I like it. It's not sappy. But, I couldn't see the damn keyboard. My son is a freshman in college. Binka's news broke my heart.

[WritingIsMyReligion]

9. Aww, thanks.

Yes, I agree that the last bit isn't as.... tense, I guess you could say, as the rest of it.

Oh, I don't know...

:D

WIMR

On edit: My crappy HTML skills

[AnotherMother4Peace]

10. "May the hell end soon"

Good writers create imagery - and you have done that - a sad & mournful imagery

[WritingIsMyReligion]

12. Thanks n/t

[jillan]

11. Beautiful!

I'm glad you caught it on Binka's thread.

[Democrats_win]

13. Makes you understand the sad future of war wounded.

I hope the future is brighter than this.

[WritingIsMyReligion]

14. Thanks, and so do I. n/t