"I don't belive it, * is turning into Nixon"

paineinthearse

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Thu Oct-20-05 10:22 PM
Original message

"I don't belive it, * is turning into Nixon"

Edited on Thu Oct-20-05 10:32 PM by paineinthearse

:rofl:

"I don't believe it, * is turning into Nixon....and we know nothing bad ever happened to nixon and elvis after this picture was taken..." John Stewart.

And from our friends at the Onion....

http://www.whitehouse.org/news/2005/101905.asp

For Immediate Release - Office of the Press Secretary - October 20, 2005 - 1:28 P.M. (EST)

TRANSCRIPT OF PRESIDENT BUSH'S MEGA-CONSEQUENTIAL LUNCHTIME PHOTO OP WITH IRISHLANDIAN ROCK MUSIC PLAYER "BONER"
Officious White House Transcript

(Long pause; brief coughing)

THE PRESIDENT: G'day, mate!

BONER: I'm Irish.

(Long pause, sounds of chairs being pulled out)

THE PRESIDENT: It's real nice of you to take time out of your music practice stuff to be seen coming to lunch with me.

BONER: It's my pleasure, Mr. President. I welcome any opportunity to speak to world leaders about the plight of Africa's poor and starving.

THE PRESIDENT: Yeah. Hungry?

BONER: Not particularly.

THE PRESIDENT: I am. Famished! Got one of those belly ouchies you get when you don't eat a lot for breakfast, you know? Guts is all gurgly. Got up real early, and hit the treadmill till I was almost sweatin' pee-pee, then... let's see... hung out and things like that till you showed up. Say, Boner...

BONER: Bono, Mr. President. BON-O.

THE PRESIDENT: Yeah. Well I like nicknames, so it's Boner, Boner Christ, or Boner McFaggyShades. So take your pick. It's my thing, see? My shtick, like the winking, or sneaking a shot of bourbon in the White House garage late at night, or blind, bull-headed loyalty to ass-kissers. Like you and biting the heads off of bats or whatever.

BONER: That was Ozzy Osbourne, Mr. President. I'm front man for one of the biggest selling rock acts in the world, U2.

THE PRESIDENT: No. I'm President of the United States.

BONER: I'm lead singer for U2.

THE PRESIDENT: Well, you can be my leader singer, yes.

BONER: Sweet Jesus. The band is named U2.

THE PRESIDENT: Oh, I know! HAR HAR! I know. Just funnin' ya. You know this one, "There once was a man from Nantucket..."

BONER: Mr. President, I'm here to discuss how the West can better care for the world's millions of poor who live on pennies a day. I think, as a Christian at the very least, you can agree that there's a disparity between—

THE PRESIDENT: You ain't gonna ask me anything about...like, any stuff...like about the war, or indictments, or Vice President Rice?

BONER: Excuse me?

THE PRESIDENT: Naw, naw. Of course not. Let's eat!

(Long pause. Sounds of plates being set on tables. Pause. Sounds of cutlery clanking, people chewing. Sounds of "Mmmmmmmm!", snorting, and gulping.)

THE PRESIDENT: Pass the ketchup?

(Long pause. Sounds of slurping, smacking, and loud swallowing continue.)

THE PRESIDENT: You gonna eat that?

(Long pause. Sounds of mastication continue. Pause. A loud belch is heard.)

THE PRESIDENT: Pretty good vittles, huh?

BONER: I don't think I've ever had a "Manwich."

THE PRESIDENT: You're a mick, huh? Want a beer? You guys love beer, right? So why you let the pasty-ass Brits kick your ass for all that time, anyway?

BONER: I do not want a beer.

THE PRESIDENT: Suit yourself. I ain't got no weed or nothing though.

BONER: I'm here on a mission of goodwill and I'd appreciate...

THE PRESIDENT: You ever seen a Leprechaun?

BONER: Sir, my time is limited.

THE PRESIDENT: No, no. Take your time.

BONER: I don't have that much time. I'm very busy.

THE PRESIDENT: Sing me a song! You know "Piano Man?"

BONER: No.

THE PRESIDENT: "Oakee from Muskogee?"

BONER: No, Mr. President.

THE PRESIDENT: "Inna Gadda Da Vida?"

BONER: Mr. President, PLEASE!

THE PRESIDENT: Jeez, Boner. Don't get all Irish uppity with me, I know how you people like to scrap and lose.

BONER: Alright. Look, I would like to be on the record discussing third world debt, AIDS in Africa and...

THE PRESIDENT: Hey, Mr. Super-Famous Band Guy, who was it that wrote a hugely symbolic fake check to the tune of $15 billion dollars to those whiny grease stains in Africastan? Me, that's who. And I swear they can cash that sucker just as soon as the next Administration gets around to figuring out how to bury the whole empty promise.

BONER: That just won't do, sir!

THE PRESIDENT: Sit down the fuck down, cabbage breath. You want to fucking save the world and feed the hungry? Then why the fuck don't you spend the gazillion dollars you make struttin' your saggy middle-aged fanny around singing teenage love songs and buy a couple million afro-wearing skeletons a Big Mac? Don't you know you change the world one word, one handshake, one meal at a time? Hell, I know that...which is why I don't. Me and my pals like our money and we want to keep it because the world sucks, and if you got it you keep it, or you share it and lose it, dig?

Why do you think you're here, anyway? In case you haven't heard, Team Bush is on the ropes, and I DESERVE a little fluff PR. So quit fucking ruining my lunch, and let's sit here all quiet like for a bit longer, then you go tell the press folk how great our talk was. And if you don't, you're a fucking small-minded celebrity fucktard if you think your star power is real power. Ever heard of customs? The IRS? A fucking surface-to-air missile no one can trace? That's power. Here's another example: you cheat on your wife on tour. I got pictures!

BONER: This meeting is over.

THE PRESIDENT: Just so you don't think I'm a total greedy corporate twat: I did come up with an idea where we give our surplus of swimming pool goggles to folks in Africa so they can keep the flies outta their eyes when they're all dyin'.

BONER: Thank you, Mr. President. I will show myself out.

THE PRESIDENT: Actually, Boner. My heavily-armed Secret Service dudes will. Oh, and Boner?

BONER: What?

THE PRESIDENT: Too bad the Africans can't eat U2 autographed iPods, huh? (Laughs)