It's a Fitzmas Miracle!!! -- A passion play

[Leopolds Ghost]

(Apologies to various Mummer's Societies)

A FITZMAS MUMMER'S PLAY

-- Tweety --

Room! Room I say! Pray gallants all
Pray give us room to rhyme!
We've come to show our talking points upon this Fitzmas time.

Talking points of youth! Talking points of age
Such talking points you've never seen upon a show that's staged.

Though some attention spans be little,
And some-of-a... middle sort,
We all desire your eyeballs to see our pleasant sport.

-- Father Fitzmas --

Here come I, old Father Fitzmas!

Welcome or Welcome not.

I hope old Father Fitzmas will never be forgot!?

( Audience: ... )

Fitzmas comes but once -- this year;

but when it comes... it brings good cheer.

Roast Bush! Rummy pudding.
Yellow cake. and minced Chalabi!
now, ho ho - who likes that any better than I!?

( Audience: ... )

Now in this room there shall be shown
the most dreadfullest battle that ever was known
between King George and the good Irish Knight.
for he took his neocons abroad
all nations for to fight.

the first man that comes this way he is a noble man
glad tidings he will bring.

Room, gentlemen, room, I pray
and we'll quickly have the fighting men this way.

-- Fitz:

In comes I the bold Irish Knight
just come from Illinois to fight
King George that man of so-called courage bold
and if his blood runs hot I'll quickly make it cold.

-- King George:

In comes I King George that man of courage bold
with my cronies in Iraq I won 10,000 bucks in gold
it was I that fought that evil Saddam
and brought his people to a slaughter
and by those noble deeds I won
the King of Houston's daughter
Manhood so free and valiant
over my recent conquered nation
and in the army whilst I remain
Never having filled my commission
I still remain the champion
how bold it is to say
I can still fight any fighting man that comes this way.

-- Fitz:

That valiant soldier I do not fear,
No matter what sharp sword he bear.
If his head is made of brass; and his flight gear
harness made of steel.
From my documents to my indictments list
That's the place he'll feel.

-- King George:

Hold on Sir Knight perhaps you might be scared
like some other little men to which I've been compared
thou misunderestimates me.
draw thy judge and fight
or draw thy purse and pay --
for satisfaction I'll have of thee before thou goes away.

-- Fitz:

Satisfaction, no satisfaction at all
I'll battle thee to see who on this ground shall fall.

{King George and the Irish Knight fight and
King George goes down on one knee and begs pardon.}

-- King George:

Pardon O Pardon me I crave
an I will be thy Texan slave.

-- Fitz:

I ne'er did'st pardon a bogus prince
therefore rise and fight now hence.

{Fitzgerald is wounded by Bush and falls.}

-- Father Fitzmas:

King George what hast thou done
thou'st struck down my only son!

King George

He gave me first challenge and how could I deny.

Father Fitzmas (distraught)

Is there a Doctor that can be found
that can cure my son's investigation that lies wounded
and bleeding on the ground.

Tweety:

A Doctor, I say! Is there a Spin Doctor
in the house!

{Dr Rove rides in upon a Hobby Horse.}

Five guineas is my fee,
But never fear, five thousand dollars will I take
From a poor old man like thee.
I can cure the itch, the stitch,
the palsy and the gout,
And if the devil's in, I'll drive him out.

Why I once cured a Vietnam Vet of the toothache!

-- Tweety:

How'd you do that?

-- Rove:

Cut off his head off and threw it in the ditch.

-- Tweety:

You're very clever Doctor, where hast you bin
To learn all these yer things?

-- Rove

Italy, Spitaly, France, and Spain
Texas, Iraq -- and baq again.

Now..... I must examine this man.

( REMOVES TOOTH WITH MUCH FOOLERY )

-- Rove:

If I had not extracted this tooth today,
he would have died yesterday.
This man is not dead, merely sleeping!

Here, take a little of this Kool-Aid bottle,
and let it flow down your throttle.
Arise, Bold Fitz...And fight again.

-- Father Christmas:

You've got the Wrong End!

-- Rove

Nonsense, don't you know
This Kool-Aid is supposed to go
In one end and out the other.

( Pours Kool-Aid down poor Fitzgerald's gullet )

...See:
It says,
Blame the other guy -- not me!

-- Tweety:

Nothing's happening.

-- Rove

Perhaps this case is not merely dead; it's really
most sincerely dead! I'm afraid I can only revive
mostly-dead investigations.

-- Father Fitzmas

Enough of this! Stand aside, you so-called Doc,
and take your place inside the Dock.
Only Testimony can revive this passion play.

( After Violent Prodding by Father Fitzmas and the Audience,
Dr Rove testifies before Fitz four times. )

( The Irish Knight Leaps Up. )

Good morning, gentlemen,
A-sleeping I have been.
Justice has had such a sleep as was never before seen.

But now she is awake... alive unto this day,
And if you do not believe what I say
Come in, Grand Jury, and clear the way.

( Irish Knight and King George Fight. )

( the WASHINGTON ESTABLISHMENT Steps In and Stops The Fighting. )

-- WASHINGTON MEDIA ESTABLISHMENT:

Peace ! Peace ! Goodwill to all men at Fitzmas.

-------

Enter Little Jack Abramoff to sweep up all the pardons and hush money.

In Comes I, Little Johnnie Jack!!!

with congressmen in my pocket and indictments on my back.

my client list is large, and I am small
a little if you please will help us all.

for out of 12, I've still got but five
and all the rest were put in jail alive.

A jug of your Fitzmas ale will make us talk and sing,
but money in our pockets is a much finer thing.

now ladies and gentlemen at your ease
give the merry Fitzmas players what you please.

[Kipling]

1. *applause* Merry Fitzmas and a Happy New President

[TalkingDog]

2. Maybe get Billionaires for Bush as the Troupe. n/t

[Sydnie]

3. Wonderful! Bravo!

:applause: :applause: :applause: :applause: :applause: :applause: :applause:

[Leopolds Ghost]

4. Thanks :-)

I met one of the guys who was in Billionaires For Bush...

[Leopolds Ghost]

5. Self-kick for Fitzmas Eve

(staggers drunkenly) :+ :beer: :party: :grouphug: :+

Now, will we get coal... or presents? :tinfoilhat: