Can grief be prevented?

[freeplessinseattle]

Has anyone ever had an elderly or ailing loved one that you knew was going to pass away soon, so you hardened yourself to prevent overwhelming grief. Did this help at all? Was your grief reduced, or nonexistent?

Does expecting the worst so as to cushion our fragile feelings really work as well as the 20 posters a week want us to believe? I really don't get all these people with their "concerned" disappointment prevention posts. Do they really think that we can't hold two ideas in our head at the same time? Why does it have to be either we expect the best, or we expect the worst? Why can't we hope for the best but not be surprised if things don't work out as we had hoped. Just bc people express hope and excitement doesn't mean that they are naive and the possibility of disappointment hadn't occurred to them.as if hardening ourselves would prevent disappointment. my god, how many of these types of posts do we need a day? why do so many people feel so "concerned" about everyone's ability to handle disappointment.

I find these posts to be insulting and condescending, treating us like children, as if the very idea that nothing at all might happen hadn't occured to us, and we'll all experince nervous breakdowns flooding the health care system.

as if hardening ourselves would prevent disappointment, or not hardening ourselves will lead to untreatable trauma. Maybe it will be a good experience for people to handle uncertainty in their own lives-btw, discomfort with uncertainty is a characteristic of rethugs, according to psych studies, so give us a little more credit than freepers. my god, how many of these types of posts do we need a day? why do so many people feel so "concerned" about everyone's ability to handle disappointmentgive me a break, I think we're a little more experienced in dealing with our feelings than too many posters think.

[belle]

1. It pisses me off less when I figure such posts are actually talking about

themselves.

I don't know if it's theoretically possible to protect against grief. i know for damn sure I can't control anyone else's feelings.

[MuseRider]

2. Your point is well taken but

I think that people tend to get to know each other, as well as can be done on an internet board, and tend to want to be supportive and helpful. I know there are people here that I do feel like I know and I do care about them. These are very human feelings(also very Democratic), helping each other, warning each other, boosting each other. After all, many of us have been through a lot of this together. I do get your point but I think it may be other than thinking we are not mature enough to handle it. I think a lot of it is just caring. At least that is how I view this.

[applegrove]

3. I used to cry because i loved my elders - while they were healthy &

alive. I'd cry because of many things. Because they would not always be around, because they were wonderful, because i was afraid of loosing them, because they expressed they were ready to die & frustrated.

You can cry whenever you feel like it. I don't think that is stealing yourself. I think it is crying because you feel sad at the loss to come or that they are suffering or that they are frustrated or that you are afraid of the pain of the loss or the pain of feeling their frustration and anger, etc. You can cry for whatever reason you want to. Learning to open up and cry teaches you to be real and clear on things. That sadness is normal at times.

Sometimes you do need to make yourself stronger. Sometimes people need to do that too. I would recommend crying for that too. It seems crying and being real makes us stronger. Less afraid. More experienced with our own selves. Putting more trust in our internal ability to cope is important.

Go easy on the posters here. When they express compassion or warn - they may have the young and vulnerable in mind. One cannot always tell that from a post. And some people were very hurt by the disappointment of Kerry conceeding the election. Very hurt indeed.

I think it is normal for group people to think of others. Of course they project their own "humanity" onto others. That is what humans do - until they have some experience and expertise on the other person.

I personally do not want to see anybody terribly upset if no indictments come. I don't want anyone to be horribly shocked. I'd like to remind others that it's good to keep your feet on the ground and follow the evidence rather than going totally on hope.

If you are not one of these people - great!!! I don't really care.

[GrumpyGreg]

4. I'm not quite sure what you are saying and I read your post twice.

[JanusAscending]

5. I think there's a difference.

There is a difference between grief and DISAPPOINTMENT. I don't believe anyone can be "prepared" for grief. I'll give you an example in a minute. As for disappointment, only children or those with personality defects like mr. bush, can not deal with it and get on with their lives. Sure it hurts, and when we hurt we need a support system. That's one of the reasons that DU is here for us, is it not? No two people grieve alike, this I KNOW. let's just all BE THERE FOR EACH OTHER, for whatever reason. Getting back to my example of preparing for grief; My dear Mother had Alzheimers. She started developing symptoms right after she retired at 65. She was able to function at home with my Dad for about 4 or 5 years. When Dad got sick, we put her in a nursing home for "respite care",and she ended up staying there for 11 yrs. before she died of pneumonia. The last 5 yrs, of her life in the N.H. she was like a vegetable. No longer recognizing anyone, or communicating at all. At the point she no longer knew if I were there or not, for all intents and purposes, I had lost my Mother, and went through a long grieving process. I thought "Lord why are you allowing her to live so long like this"? and prayed that He would take her home to Himself to be with my Dad, who had passed a year before she did. I thought I was totally "insulated" and had done all my grieving. I thought it would be "easier" to take when the Lord finally took her home. WRONG!!! When I got the call that she was gone, it hit me just as hard, and it was like losing her twice!! So no, I don't think anyone can prepare for grief, but love never dies, and our lives go on, but ,......never without HOPE!!:grouphug:

[MuseRider]

6. I agree about the grief.

I have been through that too many times and the only thing I was able to prepare myself for was not to feel guilty by doing everything in my power to make things right as they traveled the path. The grief was always hard but at least I do not feel tremendous guilt.

[JanusAscending]

7. I LOVE THAT!

"Traveled the PATH" Wonderful words. See ? Even tho' I'm a Christian, and you said you were raised a Christian, but don't practice it anymore, we are in agreement, and I think I know why. I have recently ween researching my Native American ancestry, and have found out MUCH from H20Man. It turns out he is from the same area in N.Y. State as my Mom's family. My Gr. Gr. Grandmother was Native American, and it seems while I thought she was Mohawk, I'm finding out that she was Onandaga because of the specific area she came from. I've always wanted to know more about her, but our family didn't discuss that "limb" of the family tree. I am very open to the Spiritual, and Native lore. I believe in " ancestral memory" and I have a tendancy to KNOW things. I believe I have an "old spirit", and I've always been very "Maternal". I sense that you too perhaps are my sister in the search? I would love to talk with you more about this , if you'd like to PM me. Maybe you can help me too! I want to be able to pass what I learn on to my grandchildren, as I have GREAT PRIDE in my heritage.:pals: I also agree on the guilt thing! Grief is hard enough without it!! DC

[freeplessinseattle]

9. exactly! if we can deal with grief, then we can deal with this

and grief would be an even more intensely emotional challenge for many of us. So if we can get through our loved one's deaths, we can get through this. I appreciate if there is some genuine concern out there, but it would be interesting to see how many of these posters also frequentely respond to actual grief posts and other threads seeking support for personal crises.

Your tone tells me that you are a genuinely caring person, and that is appreciated. It is those posters that claim concern but are really "Debbie Downers" or as another response noted (as I suspected) they are projecting their own feelings and seeking support in an indirect way, Which is fine of course, I am a very sensitive person myself but have gotten through many difficult times, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I say, and in my experience preparing for disappointment hasn't worked, but that is just me. If anyone has any helpful on how to prepare or deal with it that would be great, but so far all I've seen are warnings, not coping suggestions.

[Just Me]

8. Well, sometimes the intent is compassion, even if it doesn't pass.

Out of genuine concern, I've attempted to "prepare" others for the worst. I avoid doing that, anymore, because my experience dictated it's better to be back others rather than in front of them.

So, when others attempt to do as I did, I remember my own experiences.

:hug: Besides, we all travel through personal thoughts and feelings that no one other than ourselves will truly understand. When others reach out in an attempt to understand,...that is the absolute BEST of humanity,...that is loving.

[freeplessinseattle]

10. sure, most probably have a genuine intent

I just can't help but wonder how many of these posters also frequentely respond to other threads seeking support for personal crises-that would be the thru test if the posts stem from compassion or a misery loves company motive.