An oldie but goodie -- two cows

[DealsGapRider]

The LATEST version of a classic. The updated portion is at the end.

DEMOCRAT

You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN

You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

SOCIALIST

You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST

You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have down sized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION

You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.

IRAQI CORPORATION

You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION

You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

FLORIDA CORPORATION

You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best looking cow.

CALIFORNIAN

You have a cow and a bull. The bull is depressed. It has spent its life living a lie. It goes away for two weeks. It comes back after a taxpayer-paid sex-change operation. You now have two cows. One makes milk; the other doesn't. You try to sell the transgender cow. Its lawyer sues you for discrimination. You lose in court. You sell the milk-generating cow to pay the damages. You now have one rich, transgender, non-milk-producing cow. You change your business to beef. PETA pickets your farm. Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway. Cruz Bustamante calls for higher farm taxes to help "working cows". Hillary Clinton calls for the nationalization of 1/7 of your farm "for the children". Gray Davis signs a law giving your farm to Mexico. The L.A. Times quotes five anonymous cows claiming you groped their teats. You declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations. The cow starves to death.

[GCP]

1. ROTFLMAO

That is so effin' funny! I printed it out and it's in the process of being passed around at work.
Classic, thanks!

[Xandor]

2. That's great! Here's a section for Canadian Corporation

...written moments ago by an actual person of undisputed Canadian persuasion (not me, but a friend):

CANADIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows and hectares of well-watered meadow in which to graze them. The cows flourish and produce much milk.

You sell the surplus milk at market value to your government (who have already subsidized your production).The government then sells it to several needy countries at cost so their children can grow strong and healthy. A huge deficit is built up over several years.

The government defends it's policies ad nauseum in the house, the entire story is covered ad nauseum by every major media outlet in the country. A government committee investigates and finds no wrong-doing on the part of the government although there are emerging questions about the quality of the milk due to several acres of pot which were being grown surreptitiously in the faaaar corner of the meadow. This corner has become a favourite grazing spot for the two milk cows. The coverage continues every night ad nauseum . . .

Meanwhile, the CALIFORNIANS complain to their Federal government that you are undercutting their milk production (SHHHHH!) and that your price is subsidized by the Canadian government. This is a clear contravention of the Free Trade Agreement, subsection 4.10.135a, pertaining specifically to milk-producing cows, never mind the fact that you and the Canadian government have been selling drug-riddled product to those poor unsuspecting children.

Stay tuned for pictures and continuing coverage on CBC at eleven.

[progressivejazz]

3. I don't have any cows.

But I can recognize bullshit when I see it.

[Mairead]

4. "But I can recognize bullshit when I see it."

And rightwing bullshit, at that.

[progressivejazz]

5. Damn straight.

n/t

[DealsGapRider]

6. What could possibly be construed as rightwing? It's just funny.

[Mairead]

7. I'd ask if you were joking, but I know you're not.

But study it some more--it'll come to you eventually.

[ComerPerro]

8. I would have to say, all of it

Every bit of that is rightwing BS