Help me cut down my Democratic National Convention speech! What do I cut?

[TheReligiousLeft]

Hey, I'm planning to be one of the "young people" speaking at the national convention<http://www.democrats.org/convention/speakout.html>. I have a draft of a speech down, but I it is too long by 26 words. So help me cut this thing down a little bit, and I know this thing is far from perfect, so give me lots of critiques and suggestions.

The Speech
First thing, I’m not going to come up here and tell you I’m a united not a divider, because there needs to be a division between Republicans and Democrats. There must be a division because there is a fundamental difference between the two parties. We, the Democratic Party, are John Stienbeck, they, the Republican Party, are Ayn Rand. We see each person as part of a greater whole, known as humanity, they see each man as an island unto himself.
Being from Wyoming, where there are miles of open space, where oft times the elevation and the antelopes outnumber the population, I understand the seduction of rugged individualism. You are out there, all alone, relying only upon your own skills, your own strength, your very self. Honestly it IS very affirming. But the problem is that, as any prairie dog will tell you, being alone one is easily picked off.
The Republican dream is of a man climbing a mountain, reaching the top to bask in his own solitary victory and conquest. The problem with this is that if that man takes one misstep, one missed hand hold, the Republican party wants another man to step up, latch onto that man, and throw him down to the dust, to his doom. The Republican Party annuls hope, annuls the poor, annuls the weak and lowly ones.
That is why we must reject that dream, instead there is the same man on the same hill. His hand reaches for a rocky ledge, he misses. His other hand trembles with his weight, he is about to fall, but then another person slightly above him notices his peril, and sends her hand down to help him up.
The Republicans tout responsibility, specifically responsibility for one’s own actions. Democrats find this to be too shallow of a calling, two short of a moral measurement. We believe in responcibility for our selves, for our community, for our nation, and for our world.
Thanks,
Chris

[neuvocat]

1. Lets see...

BTW congrats on that speaking gig.

Here's some changes:

The Speech
First thing, there needs to be a division between Republicans and Democrats. There must be a division because there is a fundamental difference between the two parties. We, the Democratic Party, is like John Stienbeck, they, the Republican Party, are like Ayn Rand. We see each person as part of a greater whole, Republicans see each person as an island unto himself or herself.

In Wyoming there are miles of open space where oft times the elevation and the antelopes outnumber human beings, I understand the seduction of rugged individualism. You are out there, all alone, relying only upon your own skills, your own strength, your very self. It IS very affirming,but the problem is that being alone, one is easily picked off like a prarie dog.

The Republican dream is of a man climbing a mountain, reaching the top to bask in his own solitary victory and conquest. The problem with this is that if that man takes one misstep, one missed hand hold, the Republican party wants another man to step up, latch onto that man, and throw him down to the dust, to his doom. The Republican Party annuls hope, annuls the poor, annuls the weak and lowly ones.
That is why we reject that dream. Instead there is the same man on the same hill. His hand reaches for a rocky ledge, he misses. His other hand trembles with his weight, he is about to fall, but then another person slightly above him notices his peril, and sends his her hand down to help him up.

The Republicans tout responsibility, specifically responsibility for one’s own actions. Democrats find this to be too shallow of a calling, two short of a moral measurement. We believe in responsibility for our selves, for our community, for our nation, and for our world.
Thanks,
Chris

[gristy]

2. Chris's original is good. This one is excellent

I truly was getting chills while reading it!!

[TheReligiousLeft]

3. Does His her work in speeches. Anti-Gender speech

I'm all about downing gender biased Rhetoric, but when speaking doesn't it sound kind of hollow? I'm not sure, I'm just trying to figure out how one can phrase it, keeping the kick and specificity without being pro-male.

[neuvocat]

5. I know what you mean.

But using "their" would be gramatically incorrect. I wouldn't know what other words to use.

[TheReligiousLeft]

6. Hmmm.... Does anyone else have any suggestions?

Little help please?

[Lydia Leftcoast]

21. "Elevation" can't really "outnumber" anything

You'd have to say "the elevation is higher than the population" or something like."

Otherwise, I like it.

[kentuck]

7. Is this correct?

"We, the Democratic Party, is like John Stienbeck, they, the Republican Party, are like Ayn Rand."

Shouldn't it be "We, the Democratic Party, "are".....

[TheReligiousLeft]

8. I had are to start with

I was wondering about that, but thought maybe others knew something I didn't.

[neuvocat]

15. Maybe some more gender neutral terms

like "one's" or "person's", etc.

[Tinoire]

18. Jeez- between the 2 of you, that is excellent.

Will re-read and see ifthere's anything I can contribute but that was great. You guys should pair up

[TheReligiousLeft]

4. Come on, more responces please KICK

:kick:

[grasswire]

9. an old editor takes a whack

Hello!

I'm here from Wyoming to celebrate the division between Republicans and Democrats.

In my state, where empty miles and antelopes and open space dwarf the population, rugged individualism means survival. You are out there all alone, relying on your own skills and strength for mountain living. But -- as any prairie dog can tell you -- a lone pup is easily picked off.

Climbing the rugged peaks of Wyoming illustrates the difference between the people of John Steinbeck and the people of Ayn Rand -- those who see each person as part of a greater whole, known as humanity, and those who see each man as an island unto himself.

The Republican dream is of a man climbing a mountain, reaching the reaching the top to bask in his own solitary victory and conquest. The problem with this is that if that man takes one misstep, one missed hand hold, the Republican party wants another man to step up, latch onto that man, and throw him down to the dust, to his doom. The Republican Party annuls hope, annuls the poor, annuls the weak and lowly ones.

Democrats reject that archaic, selfish response to need.

The same man is on the same hill. His hand reaches for a rocky ledge, he misses. His other hand trembles with his weight, he is about to fall, but then another person slightly above him notices his peril, and sends her hand down to help him up. That is the response of a Democrat.

Republicans tout responsibility for one’s own actions. Democrats find this to be too shallow of a calling, too short of a moral measurement. We believe each one of us is responsible for our neighbor, our community, our nation, our world. We hold the moral authority to transform the planet.

That's why I'm proud to be a Democrat.

[TheReligiousLeft]

10. Wow! That is pretty good

I don't know how much mountain living goes on... but the way you put it all together, shuffling things around a bit, is really good! Thank you so much. I think this is going to end up being a really good speech!

[grasswire]

11. that's what editors do

They polish the words and thoughts of a writer. A can of Pledge, a bit of Windex, and the writer looks like a genius. (grin)

[TheReligiousLeft]

12. Sweet. What are you an editor of

in "real" life? Just out of curiousity.

[grasswire]

16. everything

An editor mentally edits everything he or she sees. It's a compulsion. I freelance now, but once worked in Washington.

[grasswire]

20. here's the technique

You must grab the attention of the listener in the first several sentences. You must convey to them the reason they should continue to listen. You just have a moment to do that.

And so you should present a conflict, a controversial statement, a narrative, or a personal anecdote right up front.

By citing your Wyoming background and mentioning attributes of Wyoming, you 1) invoke the kindly regarded heritage of the Western storyteller and 2) follow the tradition of convention speakers who display pride in their state. Your words about Wyoming are "loaded" -- they convey an added meaning and give context and importance.

The finest tradition of political speech uses "yarns" and homespun analogies to communicate sophisticated points. (Think Gerry Spence.) Your mention of Rand-Steinbeck and your last sentences provide the depth that balances the antelope.

You're not a CEO, you're not a budget wonk, you're not a news anchor, you're not an academic. For the purpose of convention politics, you're a young person from Wyoming with something to say about your political affiliation and Democrats. Make Wyoming proud!

[lostnfound]

26. Republican man says its okay to kick dust in the eyes of those below n/t

[Cleita]

13. Cut out all the extra words and rewrite some of the

sentences to shorten them, but not the message. I found 26 extra words that don't add to what you are saying in any way, so I am sure you will. I won't edit this for you because it is your speech and you know what you want to keep.

[TheReligiousLeft]

14. Thank you

Thank you,
Chris

[TreasonousBastard]

17. Here's another stab at it.

First, congrats at being a speaker at the convention. That's awesome in itself.

The speech is a very good first draft, and just needs a little cleaning up to tighten it and increase the impact. I have a small problem with references to mountains antelopes, and prairie dogs in such a short speech-- you usually want to keep things as simple as possible, with as few images as possible, so I cut out the antelopes. If that doesn't make sense, they can be put back in, I suppose. A man climbing the mountain is good because you don't want to perpetuate the imagery of men coming to women's aid, and I'll admit just adding "or woman" is a little clumsy, but I think everyone will get the obvious reference to Repubs vision of women.

There's little things, too-- like mentioning you're from Wyoming. They know you're from Wyoming, you were introduced that way. Never waste listeners' time repeating extraneous information. It's tough enough to get them to listen to the message.


SPEECH

I’m not going to tell you I’m a uniter not a divider. There must be a division between Republicans and Democrats. There must be a division because there is a difference between the two parties.

We, the Democratic Party, are John Steinbeck, they, the Republican Party, are Ayn Rand. We see each person as part of a greater whole-- humanity. They see each man as an island unto himself.

In Wyoming there are miles of open space, where often the prairie dogs outnumber the people. I understand the seduction of rugged individualism. You are out there, alone, relying only upon your own skills, your own strength, own self. It IS very affirming. But the problem is, as our prairie dogs will tell you-- the lone one, the young, the old, the weak, one is easily picked off.

The Republican dream is of a man climbing a mountain, reaching the top to bask in his solitary conquest. But, if that man takes one misstep, one missed hand hold, the Republican party simply watches that man fall down to the dust, to his doom. A doom of his own making. The Republican Party annuls hope, annuls the poor, annuls the weak and lowly ones.

That is why we reject that dream. Instead there is the same man on that same cliff. His hand reaches for a rocky ledge, he misses. His other hand trembles with his weight, he is about to fall, but then another man, or woman, above him sees his peril, and sends a hand down to help him up.

The Republicans tout responsibility, specifically responsibility for one’s own actions. Democrats find this to be too shallow of a calling, two short of a moral measurement. We believe in responsibility for our selves, for our community, for our nation, and for our world.

[loudsue]

19. That's reeeeeel good!! Takes the best of all suggestions,

and puts them together well.

Gawd!! I wish I was a person who could dance with words the way you "editors" do!!

:kick:

[elperromagico]

22. Let's see

This has the potential to be a great short speech. Your choice of metaphor is really effective, and your choice of words is effective as well.

Here's my own humble attempt at an edit:

My fellow Democrats, I’m not going to stand here and tell you that I’m a uniter not a divider, because there is a division between Republicans and Democrats. There must be a division, because there is a fundamental difference between our two parties.

We, the Democratic Party, are John Steinbeck. We see each person as part and parcel of a greater whole. They, the Republican Party, are Ayn Rand. They see each man as an island unto himself.

In Wyoming, where the antelopes often outnumber the people, we understand the lure of rugged individualism. It is very affirming to stand on one's own, achieving a goal through sheer personal determination. But, as any prairie dog knows, it is the one who stands alone who is most easily attacked.

The Republican dream is of a man climbing a mountain, reaching the top to bask in his own solitary victory and conquest. But if that man takes one misstep or misses one handhold, the Republican Party wants another man to step up, latch onto that man, and throw him down to the dust to his doom. The Republican Party annuls hope and despises those who are weak and lowly.

We Democrats have a different dream. We see the same man climbing the same mountain, but when he is about to fall, we latch onto him--- not to cast him to his doom, but to help him regain his footing. Together, we rise to the peak of the mountain, and share in the glory of our achievement.

The Republicans tout responsibility for one’s own actions, but that is too shallow of a calling, and too short of a moral measurement for us. We believe in responsibility not only for ourselves, but also for our community, for our nation, and for our world.

[elperromagico]

23. If all else fails

I would suggest removing the Steinbeck/Rand reference. It may be a tad too obscure for many people at the convention (and for those watching at home).

[TheReligiousLeft]

24. Wow, thanks for your suggestions

But I do have one point of clarification, I have not got the speaking gig yet. In fact this speech is what will get me chosen or not.
For all those young people on DU check out <http://www.democrats.org/convention/speakout.html> it is your chance to speak at the convention!!!
Once again, thanks to all of you who helped me. I'm going to rewrite this thing tonight and send it out.
Peace,
Chris

[elperromagico]

25. That's great

I'm afraid I might have to compete with you! :toast:

[The White Rose]

27. See how this works for you.

My fellow Democrats, (short pause) I’m not going to lie to you and tell you that I’m a uniter not a divider, because there is a division between Republicans and Democrats. There is a fundamental difference between our two parties.

We, the Democratic Party, see each person as part and parcel of a greater whole. They, the Republican Party, see each as an island unto themselves.

In Wyoming, we understand the lure of rugged individualism. It is, of course, very affirming to stand on one's own, achieving a goal through sheer personal determination. But, as any prairie dog knows, the one who stands alone is most easily made prey.

The Republicans have a dream. (pause) They dream of a man climbing a mountain; fighting and clawing his way to the summit, despite the odds, there to bask in the glory of his solitary conquest. But if that man takes one misstep, or misses one handhold, their barren ideology demands that another step up, latch onto that man, and hurl him to his doom. Feigning compassion, they despise the weak, the poor, the helpless, (short pause) and in doing so they betray the hopes of millions.

We Democrats have a different dream. (pause) We see the same man on the same peak. His hand reaches for a rocky ledge, he misses. As he begins to fall, his better-placed friend grabs his flailing hand from above, and together, together (emphasis on the second "together"), they forge their way to the top.

Republicans claim to champion the cause of personal responsibility. (pause) Democrats find this to be too shallow a calling, too limited a goal. We too believe in responsibility. (pause) Responsibility for ourselves, for our community, for our nation, and for our world.

Thank-you.

Hope that was helpful.