can you top the malaprop I heard on the elevator this morning?

[Bertha Venation]

Rode up on the elevator today with the firm's reference librarian. I asked her about the book she was carrying. She said "I like it but all the women in it are, you know, like, mermaids." I asked what she meant, and she said, "oh, I don't know . . . flighty, um, urethral."
:wtf: I'm sure she meant "ethereal." I just didn't have the heart to correct a legal reference librarian.

Can you top this? I'm sure someone can . . . .

[BigMcLargehuge]

1. urethral!!!!! BWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

oh man... LOL....

That's a pisser.... (BWAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!)

Did you respond that you found her comments "chestillating"

[GOPisEvil]

2. LOL!!!! A pisser...stop it!

[Coventina]

3. My personal favorite

A friend of mine and I were building a set for a play in high school.
He asked me to give him a "participle board."
I said, "You mean 'particle board'?"
He insisted NO! PARTICIPLE BOARD!!!
We would have come to blows over it, except that I found it too hilarious.

[Pert_UK]

6. You should have just passed participle board to him........

YAY! Grammar humour!

P.

[BigMcLargehuge]

8. be careful with those screw guns

we don't want any dangling participles... if one of those things fell it would kill someone.

[GOPisEvil]

9. You should have given him 5 nails...

...because we damn sure don't want his participle board DANGLING! :P

[Pert_UK]

4. I was once having dinner with a friend of mine......

and she said that the restaurant was "very platitudiness".

Neither of us have got any idea what she meant.

P.

[JVS]

14. maybe pretentious?

:shrug:

[Pert_UK]

15. Don't think so....it was supposed to be a complement and.....

it was just a nice, cheapish place.

Nice try though!

P.

[skypilot]

31. She might have meant...

...pulchritudinous (sp?) if that is, in fact, a word. Pulchritude means beauty so she might have been trying to say that the restauarant was beautiful. Would have been better if she'd just said that.

[Pert_UK]

35. If I ask her, she'll CLAIM that's what she meant, for sure!

But I doubt that it really is!

Thanks! I will add that to my dictionary!

P.

[madmax]

5. It's contageous

bush is the carrier and it's spreading.

[Screaming Lord Byron]

7. There's an arrogant, smug self-centred woman in my office

who, when she leaves for the day always says 'manyadda' (in a smug way). When I asked what she just said, she replied 'well, that's the Mexican for see you later, what do they teach people in schools these days?' She's been saying it for years.

[Fenris]

19. Canada is a country away from Mexico, though

I live in Texas and people STILL say shit like that! And they live in Mexico!

[Screaming Lord Byron]

20. Yeah, but she deserves bonus points for constant repetition

over a period of years, and correcting others. And she owns a leopard print suit that she wears to work.

[Fenris]

22. There should be more restrictions on manner of dress

First order: No leopard print at work, ever, on pain of death.

[bmbmd]

33. The word is

"manana" (mun-Yah-nuh) wihich means "tommorow", as in "see ya tomorrow". Standard Tex-Mex lingo.

[MissMarple]

41. LOL Mexicans speak Spanish not Mexican.

As I'm sure you know. I had a relative who insisted tortilla should be pronounced with the ll's intact. She was a sweetie, so we didn't make a big deal of it. :D

[bif]

45. I like it when people say< "He has boo-ko bucks."

If you're going to bother to use a foreign word, at least pronounce it right.

[eyesroll]

10. I once temped in a real-estate office

My job was transcribing dictation into letters, notes, etc.

There were a couple of agents who had appalling grammar, and used inappropriate words all the time. I tried to quietly correct their mistakes -- surely they misspoke, right? -- but, no, the draft would come back with edits. I can't even count how many times that week those agents "corrected" my corrections. (And I'm positive I was right -- it wasn't jargon; it was as bad as "urethral/etherial.")

[southerngirlwriter]

11. oh Lord.....no, can't top that one in real life

Have you read The Poisonwood Bible??

It's a fantastic book, anyway, but one of the narrators is a teenage girl who makes the dumbest malapropisms imaginable. ("I felt like Gulliver among the Lapidopterans...there in my own Sloop of Despond.")

[BigMcLargehuge]

12. HAHAHAHAHAH!!!!

The island of butterfly collectors...

[JVS]

13. My mom taught at a DeVry type business school when I was young

You know, one of those two years and start a career places. One of her jobs was watching tapes of mock-interviews to critique the students on their interviewing skills and give them tips to improve it.

I'm in the same room when my mom is reviewing the tapes and one of the students comes on. Evidently he had worked at a pet store and the interviewer is asking him about the animals and he somewhere he says "They had some pretty erotic birds"

[damnraddem]

18. Well, to each his own.

Maybe it kept him off the streets.

When he came home from the pet shop, do you think his wife asked 'is that a feather on your collar?'

[bmbmd]

16. She's one of my favorite singers-

Urethra Franklin.

[damnraddem]

17. Well, they may all be urethral, but ...

since when are mermaids flighty, or ethereal?

[displacedtexan]

21. There was an Amoeba diagram on my chalkboard one day...

(I shared a classroom).
One of my students asked: Why is there an orgasm on your chalkboard?

[SCDem]

25. My mother was a 6th grade science teacher and organism

often got turned into orgasm by the kids.

[truthseeker1]

59. I did that once - but it was 9th grade!

Still...I didn't really know what the word meant, but I probably wrote orgasm because I had seen it in writing more often (Judy Blume books).

[bonemachine]

60. I had a friend

In, I think, 8th grade science with me, and he intentionally wrote orgasm instead of organism on every piece of homework for the class. The teacher never once noticed.

[SPQR]

23. When my partner and I got back from Rome

his sister commented, "It sounds like ya'll really enjoyed the Sixteen Chapels."

(And here all this time we'd thought Michelangelo only painted one.)

[Blue-Jay]

24. Bertha, she should write speeches for Don King.

Sounds like something he'd say.

[Beware the Beast Man]

26. Here's some from my own wife:

non-sequentir

Pachebelli's "Canon in D"

Josh Whedon

schizofrannic

...and too many others....I love her to death, though.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

27. My father's hometown paper

had a columnist who was quite a freeper, except that it was years before FR was founded.

One day, she started railing against "the greatest social evil of our time--euphemism."

I thought, "HUH?" and kept reading.

Since her ramblings were never very coherent, it took me a while to figure out what she meant. Finally she said, "Euphemism means treating dying people like dogs or cats when the vet puts them to sleep."

Oh, "euthanasia"!

[bif]

28. "I'm tired of all these insinuendos." also:"Raped over the coals."

[July]

29. BWAAAA!!! Those are hilarious!

Second one sounds mighty painful.

How about this from a relative: I can't make up my mind. I'm oscillating.

[Terran]

64. Hey, "insinuendo"!

I'm pretty sure that the former and unlamented Mayor of Los Angeles, Sam Yorty (circa 1964) invented that one!

[histohoney]

30. My Grands

made this comment while looking out the window of my sister's car. (We were driving past a construction sight in her home town of Albuquerque)
"Condoms, condoms condoms, they're all over this place!"
My sister asked my Grands if maybe she didn't mean CONDOS.
Grands said " Condoms, Condos, whats the difference?"
"Nothing if you're REALLLLY lucky!" I said. She pinched me for three whole blocks but the laugh was worth it.

[Turbineguy]

32. When we ate in Chinese Restaurants

my son used to look forward to the "Fucking Cookie". But then again, he was less than two years old at the time.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

52. My little boy used to like watching

big fucks go down the street. Especially the ones that collected trash.

[Digger]

65. Maybe he was serious...

as in: "I hate those fucking cookies".
:)

[Mrs. Venation]

34. This Isn't A Malaprop, But It's Funny

This is a real memo, sent out by IBM to its employees, in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite genuine. The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences.


Re: Replacement of Mouse Balls.

If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.

Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method.

Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.

It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items. Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

47. I found the link in Snopes, but I can't go there

http://www.snopes.com/humor/business/mouse.htm

My work blocks URLs with "humor" in it. :mad:

So, does it say it's true or false?

[Dookus]

54. They say it was real

but it was written as a joke. The text has changed a bit from the original, but it WAS evidently written and sent out, but the author was not unaware of the humor in it.

[RandomKoolzip]

36. No, but everybody says "CHOMPING at the bit" when it's really

"CHAMPING at the bit." I'm really sick of hearing everybody fuck that one up.

That and spelling "oops!" as "opps." Opps? As in, rhymes with "stops?" "Mops?"

It's not hard to get these things right, but I always see people screwing them up.

[toddzilla]

37. champing at the bit?

that doesn't make any sense.

[RandomKoolzip]

42. Look it up. n/t

[Richardo]

50. It does if you're a horse person...

...that's the term.

[ChavezSpeakstheTruth]

39. Irregardless of what you say I could care less!

Harumph!!!

[RandomKoolzip]

43. Care for a pop? Or would you like some soda instead?

As Michael J. Nelson once said, "You know, there's only a fine line between regionalism and just plain stupidity."

I love it when you.....aauuuuughhhhh

[Snow]

40. And for us fussbudgets, it's 'martial law' as in war not 'marshall' as

in Marshall Dillon.

[Spider Jerusalem]

57. And to be REALLY picky, "marshal" only has one "L".

e.g. "field marshal", "air marshal", etc. Unless it's a name, that is, in which case there are two.

[Snow]

63. Thanks Spider - I guess I've seen it spelled with two 'l' s so often

I've started doing it myself. Unless of course, Marshall actually was Mr. Dillon's first name, eh?

[Richardo]

49. THANK YOU RKZ!!

"Chomping" is a perennial peeve of mine. Could not have said it better meself. :thumbsup:

[ChavezSpeakstheTruth]

38. I knew a girl who reffered to an urn as "a urine"

Kind of odd - hought I

[RandomKoolzip]

46. I was in a Target in Nashvile when I overheard two women talking...

They were looking at shampoo and one woman said to the other, "How does people know how it works?"

I'm not making that up.

[ChavezSpeakstheTruth]

56. That's Tarjay!

ANSWER THEIR QUESTION BEOTCH!!! "How does people know how it works?"
????????????????

- Pete Batson

[MissMarple]

44. "Orgasms" in the water.

An older friend who very sweet and ... uh, blond, said this in reference to their hot tub. She meant organisms, bless her heart. No one had the heart to correct her, but everyone heard it.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

53. WOooo!

Musta been some hot tub! :D

[Richardo]

48. Idiot where I used to work with said "derbiss" meaning "debris"

and "Fruitation" for "Fruition" :eyes:

[GoddessOfGuinness]

51. In Grammar and Semantics class

...in high school...

We had a daily list of 5 words for which we had to write definitions and contextual sentences.

I'll never forget this one kid who always skated by with regard to his homework. The teacher asked for his definition of "enigma".
Embarrassed, he answered, "You know..."

Then she asked him to read his sentence.

"The nurse gave the patient an enigma" :D

[catzies]

55. One thing I know for sure. After attending an orientation you are NOT

"orientated." :crazy:

[Snow]

62. Ooh-ooh! And "preventative" medicine.

that's too many syllallables! You prevent things, not preventat them.

[geniph]

70. That's why I can't bear the word "administrate."

The word is "administer," please. I beg you.

I also have a strong dislike for the use of the word "empathetic" when "empathic" is meant. Yes, I know "empathetic" is an acceptable usage. I don't have to like it. It sounds too much like "pathetic" for me.

[ScreamingMeemie]

58. My sister in law says Phantom for fathom all of the time. This after

she tries to convince you that she has 3 degrees, has performed eye surgery and knows everything financial or legal. :eyes:

[WannaJumpMyScooter]

61. Takes real kidneys to make a statement like that

[toddzilla]

66. A driver's license is a single item

It's not "them", it's an IT.

[put out]

67. Can't top it,

But please don't say "wet my appetite" when it is "whet my appetite" as in sharpen it with a whet stone?

[vajraroshana]

68. when i was a teenager

i used to smoke pot.

my dad had busted me and my brothers on numerous occasions.

after we had all started college our pot smoking pretty much stopped, but occasionally on breaks we'd smoke some.

so one night on summer break we were home and my dad had clipped a newspaper article on dangerous pathogens that had found their way into batches of pot from pot farmers who used chicken manure as fertilizer.

he read the article out loud to us. every time he came to the word "organism" he would say "orgasm".

every single time.

we were all holding our laughter in, even my mom.

when he finished, we just couldn't hold it in any longer and started guffawing, including my mom.

my dad was like, "What?"

[blm]

69. Try this true incident....

I had a friend who was quite the hair for brains. While visiting NYC for the first time, I took her to see St. Patrick's Cathedral. She looked around awestruck and solemnly whispered, "Wow, it's like feeling...um...menage e trois. Know what I mean?" I rolled my eyes (accustomed to these gems from her mouth) and asked, "You DO mean deja vu, don't you?"

[Blue-Jay]

71. "Driving erotically"

My mom was a dispatcher for the State Highway Patrol for a large number of years, and said that over the radio while I was visiting her at work. This was several years ago, and the guys still talk about it.

To her credit, she realized what she had said right after it was out of her mouth, and turned beet red as all the troopers clicked their mics on and off. (Trooper-speak for laughter)

[latebloomer]

72. can't top THAT, but. . .

the other day I got an email forwarded from someone in my kids' school., addressed to all the parents. She apologized for not getting the honor roll results out on time-- there was a computer glitch which "UNABLED" their ability to do so. I replied, "Unabled? Cool word. Is that in the dictionary?"

Someone responded'' "Snot-ty--adj., Snob-bish"

Properly chastened, I slunk back in my hole.

[Bertha Venation]

73. ooh, good comeback

Embarrassing for you though. :hug: