Should I be mad about this? (a possible MEN rant)

[rene moon]

OK, here goes-

Should I feel hurt and upset about this statement that my husband said to me? "I would never cheat on you. I'll admit I've been tempted but I wouldn't because I would never hurt you".

He's a pretty good guy but this just rubbed me the wrong way.

So, if this is true and men don't cheat on their SO's simply for the fact that they "don't want to hurt them" then, my question is this?

Why get married at all if all men do is look and fantasize about other women? Why not leave women like me, who are very sensitive, alone?????!!!!

I wonder if I should have even got married in the first place. I'll be honest and say this does nothing for my bitterness towards men in general.

Please, DUers, be nice!

[Skittles]

1. well, I've never been married

I have never felt the need to own someone

[Name removed]

3. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[Snow]

8. "men suck in general"????

would you care to reconsider that statement?

[rene moon]

13. Not really

I think they do. All they've done is disappoint me my whole life. Why I thought differently is beyond me.

[Snow]

24. And shall I post a statement saying "x group of people generally suck"

and see what sort of response I get? I bet it's a whole lot less gentle than what I gave you. And if indeed that's the way you feel, I'd strongly advise not hanging around any of us.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

53. i am against blanket statements as well

but i think this is a deeply personal statement,,,as in men i date suck....not really all men suck..i could be wrong though

[Snow]

60. I'm inclined to agree with you, priyanka,

but the young woman (said he from his perspective of twice her years) would find the world easier if among other things, she learned to moderate her language. And how one speaks does affect the way one sees the world, and the way the world shapes itself around one.
Harrummphh. Enough hoary old philosopher for the day!

[arcane1]

34. funny

women have had the same effect on me

I guess they suck too :)

[La Lioness Priyanka]

54. not to awfully vulgar

well i suppose i just should not say it if i want to not be vulgar

[arcane1]

59. true

and there is no shortage of women who kick total ass. I just tend not to date them

I've had a few winners, though :)

[tjwash]

40. The problem with that lies within.

You need to figure out why you are attracted to men that "disappoint me my whole life". Don't blame all men because you have a tendency to pick out the losers among them.

And yes, I am talking from experience. I used to do the same with women, and two miserable, failed marriages later, finally went to therapy to figure out why I was never attracted to nice stable woman, but I loved those brash arrogant maneaters...

[TahitiNut]

42. If "men suck" and you find one that doesn't ....

... does it mean that he's less than a real man?

I've known many men and women who had these "general" views of the opposite sex ... and regarded one who didn't meet this "standard" (no matter that it's a low one) as somehow less "manly/womanly."

The victim of such thinking, of course, is the thinker.

[rene moon]

56. I don't think he less than a "real man"

In fact, he told me that he doesn't know what more he can show me to prove what a "real man" acts like. I am too hard on him. I am asking for advice so I can change, not be berated by people who are suppose to be more-open!

[sandnsea]

79. Life is full of disappointments

And men contribute about half of them. Women contribute the other half. I bet if you think about it, you'll find it's true! Hang in there. If I knew you, I might say more, but I don't, so I won't.

[Skittles]

62. oh, I love men

I would never say they "suck in general" - I know the stereotype but I know too many terrific men - heck, look at the guys here in the DU - to make such a sweeping generalization.

I've just never wanted to own one. :D

[Mass_Liberal]

2. don't be mad....

seriously. Guys get married, but that doesn't stop them from being attracted to other women. Don't try to tell me that you've never been attracted to a man since you got married.

Trust me... this is not a reason to worry about your relationship.

[rene moon]

5. I've found men attractive, yes!

But I've haven't thought about screwing them though!

[arcane1]

6. there is a very very fine line between the two

though yr husband could've phrased it a little better!

[Mass_Liberal]

10. thats probably not true

if you have been really attracted to a man during your relationship... you probably thought about screwing them. Maybe briefly, just a fantasy, but you did. Seriously, you are expecting too much from this dude, and from men in general.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

4. NO

i feel that way all the time..and i am pretty sure my wife will read this....its just a human thing...

[Dookus]

7. No, you should not be mad about this

It is totally unrealistic to expect people, especially men, to give up all their normal responses when it comes to other people.

OF COURSE he's been tempted! He was probably tempted at your wedding reception! And he'll be tempted at your funeral! But if he doesn't act on it, it's nothing to worry about. I don't think ANY man would meet your requirements.

[rene moon]

11. So, because he (men) are always tempted...

Then I shouldnt worry about it? I think seriously I will be better off alone. So I will never have to deal with this crap anymore.

[Dookus]

12. no, but for HIS sake

maybe you'd be better off alone. Your expectations are thoroughly unreasonable.

[librechik]

25. are you ever attracted or admiring of other men?

there's probably a misunderstanding here about the word "tempted." Noticing other women are attractive is one thing, going out and having a drink and then deciding to not go home with some girl is completely different.

This is a small hurdle. Your husband sounds like a nice man who's trying to tell you the truth. Don't exaggerate it into a problem that doesn't exist. Talk to him some more and get some clarification about each of your feelings. A man can't just shut off testosterone, and is raised really different from the way women are raised. He might mean something quite innocent with the tempted word, which sounds a bit overloaded.

I have been tempted to jump Hugh Jackman's bones, but there's no way that could happen. Grown up people have these feelings and forgive each other and take comfort in the real love they can REALLY give one another, above and beyond fantasies. You don't want to throw away a real love because you were less tolerant than your lover deserved you to be. Sounds like he only loves you. That's a huge distinction.

[rene moon]

30. Thanks librechik

Yours and GOP's post was nice. My husband is a nice man but it is hard for me to trust men. It makes my heart feel like it will explode with all the hurt I have felt over the years. I don't even know where to begin to see that men are just human and not the trolls I believe they are. Professional help, I guess.

I am lucky, I know. I should keep that in mind.

[TahitiNut]

39. If you think you'd be better off alone ...

... then it's probably true. :shrug:


Just how many times each day or week does a guy have to PROVE he loves you? Just how exclusive of every other human being on the planet does he have to regard you? Can you honestly say you're giving as good as you expect? If you feel threatened by something like this, how supportinve can you be when the times REALLY get rough? Was it "for better or better" and "until whim shall we part"? :shrug:

Is it a life-long TEST or a partnership?

[La Lioness Priyanka]

55. i think the same goes for women

whether or not they admit to it

[camero]

9. He's telling you two truths

One is that men are visual people. Which we are. The second is that married men seem to be propositioned more than single men. I don't think that is the case in the vast majority of instances but there are enough examples to make it a reasonable way to look at this statement.

I think he should have said just he wouldn't cheat and left it at that but I don't think you should be hurt by it.

Just my $0.02.

[Van Helsing]

14. Men look at other women all the time...

I've checked out other women before when I was in a relationship--and the girl I was dating was already hot. Why did I do it? Well, I guess because I'm a guy and I do that sort of thing. Just because I'm in a relationship doesn't mean that I can't look at other women. It's just something we all do when we find someone attractive. :shrug: Would I have cheated on her with another woman? Absolutely not.

I think you're blowing his comment way out of proportion. Give your husband the benefit of the doubt and trust him.

[Blue-Jay]

15. Stop freaking out.

Here's the important bit: "I would never cheat on you." He's saying that he values your love more than he values his own temptations. Of course, he could have phrased it more eloquently, but his heart is in the right place. He is thinking of YOU first. He is well aware that LOVE is more important than LUST.

Give him a break, and be happy that his priorities are in good order.

[ProudGerman]

26. thank you for saying that in that way

Because someone else could have said that, but in a harsher tone.

[rene moon]

16. So, my feelings dont count?

I'm suppose to "not let it bother me", when I cry about it? Oh yes, it's all about the men and women just have to put up with it all.

What about my question: Why bother marrying at all then?

[jpgray]

18. Frankly, I think he's the one who should be upset

He's perfectly honest with you, will NOT cheat on you, and you're pissed off? Marriage is not one of you catering to the other's every whim and desire, it's a partnership with some give and take involved, and both sides have to work to make it work. Your feelings are important, but not to the exclusion of his.

[Dookus]

21. oh gawd...

stop being such a victim. If you had no idea that married people still look at other people with "lust in their hearts", you were WAY too naive to be married.

I recommend an immediate annulment, for your husband's sake.

[TahitiNut]

44. If you have the time and money to spend a week in Eugene, Oregon ...

... then I strongly suggest you sign up and attend ... http://www.wings-seminars.com/pes.html

Just stop being the "expert" and do it. It might be the best favor you ever did for yourself. Are you worth it? (You spent 30 years becoming who you are. Was it worth it?)

[Taverner]

66. OMG is that some mind control cult

Sorry if I'm being crass but the website looks like one of those Personal Power/EST/Lifespring type mind control cult things....

[TahitiNut]

68. Such a characterization is totally inappropriate ...

... insofar as this particular organization is concerned. While I have impressions that some organizations deserve such disdain, this one certainly does not.

[Taverner]

70. You're right - that was uncalled for

I apologize...I've just had bad experiences with friends at places similar to this.

But that was no excuse....accept my apology?

[TahitiNut]

78. No need. I often share such a perspective ...

... regarding some of the 'programs' I've since run across and to which some acquaintances have gone. If it weren't for the fact that most DUers don't know me from Adam (or Eve), I'd expect that my personal recommendation would count for something. Some folks on DU have met me personally. I doubt seriously they'd consider me even close to "brain-washed." Nonetheless, about 10 years ago I attended this particular organization's seminars myself. The first one was so beneficial to me, that several friends merely chose on their own to attend once they just saw how much more centered (call that "sane") I was. What they saw wasn't 'mind control' ... unless the 'control' was all mine.

I must admit that I'd often look at such a recommendation with disdain myself. Perhaps this one is the exception that proves the rule. Dunno. I know the people, including the owner-operator, who're involved in this particular organization and, even ten years later, I still hold them in VERY high regard.

[Taverner]

80. Yeah a lot of the self help programs can be bad

When I was a kid my parents had us all go though "Lifespring" which was like EST-lite - it left a bad taste in my mouth for all self help seminars.

I've also had numerous friends, ex-girlfriends, etc all try these programs...only to come back talking a completely different language.

[Mick Knox]

17. DOH! theres a few white lies you should always tell wives..

I would never cheat because I love you (for me this is true of course and not a lie)

You look great in that dress (mine does look good in that dress)

No you dont look fat. (she doesnt)


Man, that guy has no common sense.

[bratcatinok]

19. My response

"Why get married at all if all men do is look and fantasize about other women?"

You're making an overbroad statement when you state all men do is look and fantasize about other women. First, that's not what men do 24/7/365. They may see some they're attracted to or they may even be tempted about other women. They're only human. The important thing is whether they actually take any action. It sounds as if your husband hasn't taken any action because he understands it would hurt you and he cares enough about your feelings to not to want to bring you pain. Sounds to me like he loves you quite alot.

I wouldn't be mad at him for it, I'd love him back for it. It sounds as if your bitterness might be clouding your judgement of his statement. I would much rather my ex would have not cheated on me because he cared about my feelings rather than him cheating on me while telling me he loved and cared about me.

[GOPisEvil]

20. I think you have skewed views of men.

I think you want too much. Basically you want your husband to put on blinders and forget there are other women in the world. You basically want your husband to lie and say that he finds no other woman in the world attractive. It is more honest for him to say that other women are physically attractive, but he doesn't want them because he is honoring his committment to you.

You are already predisposed to not trust men, maybe you shouldn't have gotten married...

[rene moon]

23. Maybe I shouldn't have gotten married

Look, I know men look at attractive women all the time. I'm 30 and have known this for a while.

Maybe I should have never been born, it would have made things alot easier.

[GOPisEvil]

27. Well, what do you want?

Do you want your husband to lie to you to spare your feelings? Or, do you want him to honestly say what's on his mind? Either way, what do his actions say?

[rene moon]

28. It says that is he is a good man

Perhaps I need to talk to somebody about how I feel.

[GOPisEvil]

29. Yeah, that sounds like a good idea.

Because we have reached the end of my professional expertise. :-)

Good luck Rene. :-)

[rene moon]

31. Thanks GOP

I appreciate your thoughts.

[Dookus]

32. ahh.. it's one of those threads

where we all assure you you're valuable and lovable and to hang in there.

Well I quit smoking today.. I got my own goddamn problems. See a therapist.

[Nikia]

22. No

Perhaps, he should not have said that to you if it would upset you. Committment is about actions, not what occaisionally goes on in one's mind.

[Catholic Sensation]

33. I must have missed something...

if he considers your feelings before engaging in an action, I don't see where any point of contention could exist.

If the guy cares more about your feelings than his libido, you've got yourself one hell of a husband, you should be crying tears of joy instead of getting upset.

[maggrwaggr]

35. tell him to lie next time

this is why men don't want to talk about their feelings with women. Because when they do, and they're honest, they get in BIG trouble.

So a lot of men just shut the hell up.

Your husband was just being honest. (I'm a man by the way, and married). Men will always look at other women, and there will always be women out there who want to fool around with married men (don't ask me why).

So for a man, the thing that counts is that he doesn't cheat. As long as you both agree on what constitutes cheating, you're fine.

If you punish him for telling you the truth, he's gonna start lying.

If you punish him for NOT cheating, he might think "I might as well cheat".

[Solly Mack]

36. I think maybe you would have rather he said

He would never cheat because he didn't want to/ didn't have the desire to...instead of "to not hurt your feelings"...for you, simply not wanting to hurt your feelings wasn't enough assurance.

I could be off base, of course.

He's let you down.

You have what is called hidden expectations. You, without voicing them to your spouse, held the expectations of fidelity based on an all consuming desire to be/see/breathe your spouse and only your spouse-with him returning that feeling in kind. You wouldn't cheat on your spouse because you would never even think to...and you expect the same from him. Not just because it would hurt your feelings...but because cheating on you would never enter his mind.

That's not realistic. People-both men and women- look. They desire. ...it's what they act on that matters in this instance. However, your past relationships have caused you to need that ironclad reassurance from your spouse. Does he know this? Have you talked of this with him? You need to...

Even when you do talk, you have to accept that your husband did not cause these feelings you have...he can't be blamed for the past nor can he be held responsible for your feelings because of your past relationships.

It really is your responsibility. There is a need not being met inside you and one you have to learn to meet within yourself before you can fully accept the love your spouses has for you..and when that happens, you will find that your need for security (regarding fidelity, loyalty,being trustworthy)is being met in your relationship because you opened the door to learn more about yourself and your partner. And learned to become more accepting of your partner as he is...and not as you expect him to be.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

37. Who cares whether you SHOULD feel hurt and upset..you DO feel hurt and

upset. That is the point...the only thing people can answer to that question are yes or no and it doesn't resolve anything except to validate or invalidate you.


The thing is you are hurt and upset and it doesn't seem to have a lot to do with what your husband said as you yourself indicate the upset goes much deeper and plays off of issues you have with men.

The best tack to take is to get to the heart of what your issues are because there is no way your husband can be seen for himself in any of this...it all gets filtered though those issues which are from the past and are getting dragged into the present.

The fact that he answered in the manner he did does seem to indicate that he has issues with you too. Most men look at women and fantasize but wouldn't admit thinking about it unless they wanted it to send you a message that they too have an unfulfilled expectation with regard to the relationship.

If I recall you have posted issues in the past with regard to your husband's expectations in the realm of fantasy (re: porn etc.) It might be that you two are not emotionally wuited for one another..but I would first spend time working through your issues and then see if there's anything salvagable...you might just be very different people with very different values systems that won't be able to meet.

I am not saying you are wrong to feel the way you do...it came from somewhere...I am just saying he didn't start it...he's just a constant reminder of it seemingly.

[rene moon]

41. Thanks

Obviously there is a lot of things that need to be worked out in our relationship.

I wish I didn't have these issues but I do. I know I need to work them out but I don't know how. Honestly.

He didnt start them no. And he shouldnt be punished for them either.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

47. Well you admit you have them which is the first step to working them out

Clearly something happened in your past that left you with a decision about men....from your posts...it's something like MEN ARE_________(fill in the blank)

Getting to the point in time where you REALLY made the decision is the tough part...people tend to relate it to high school but usually it was earlier...

Don't be surprised if the decision you made really DOESN'T end up being a decision about men but a decision you made about yourself...which then LED to the decision about men.

I can answer the simple answer which is to go do therapy but that isn't for everyone...you seem to be pretty thoughtful as a person..what I would do to begin to get to the heart is to get a journal but instead of journalizing the present...journal the past...begin to write down situations that you found to be painful, invalidating, demoralizing and with each situation as yourself when your EARLIEST memory of that feeling occurred...it's a great way to get to the actual incidents that led to the decisions you made about "how the world IS"

Good luck..it sounds like you love him and are cutting him some slack...it does sound like he loves you too.

[JVS]

38. One cannot control whether they are tempted or not

It is unreasonable to blame someone for something over which they have no control. On the other hand if he is actively going out and seeking temptation, your beef with him could be legitimate. And you would definitely be fully correct to tell him that you never want to hear peep about him being tempted again.

If it is too painful for you to bear that he, like all human beings experiences temptation (and we all experience temptation in some form or another), then maybe you'll just have to do what's right for you and end the relationship. Although deciding to do that would make me wonder why you did get married in the first place.

[daa]

43. You really need to worry

when he stops looking at other women.

[smirkymonkey]

45. I am a woman and I doubt very much

that even if I meet the man of my dreams, it won't keep me from lusting after other men. Of course, if I do commit to someone I would probably be like your husband and not do it for the sake of the other person (it's a very complicated thing, even if we do all understand that it's natural to be attracted to other people.)

I know that I would want the same from anyone I was in a relationship with, but I also understand that they will probably feel temptation as well. I think if two people respect each other and do their best to consider the other person's feelings (i.e. not being too obvious about checking out others or doing something to make the other feel sexually threatened) it doesn't have to be something that comes between you.

Unfortunately, we all have hormones and most of us, at one time or another, struggle with jealousy and insecurity. I guess it's all part of being human. :)

[BattyDem]

46. I don't think you should be mad at all

He's been tempted. So what? He's married, not dead. I can't speak for you, but I know plenty of women, myself included, who have also been tempted at one time or another. (I'm not married, but I have been in serious relationships.)

Temptation is part of being human. It's how people deal with that temptation that separates the "good guys" from the "bad guys".

"I would never cheat on you. I'll admit I've been tempted but I wouldn't because I would never hurt you".

You're focusing on the temptation instead of the emotion. The man said he would never cheat on you because he would never hurt you. In other words, he loves you and he respects you and your feelings. His love and respect for you is stronger than his "desire" for another woman.

I have many male friends. Do you know how many married men think a quickie or a one night stand is no big deal because the woman didn't mean anything to him? "It wasn't an affair, it was just a bl*wjob! What's the big deal?" They don't get that it's not the sex act, it's the betrayal and the lack of respect for the relationship they're in! Well ... you're husband gets it! You are a very lucky woman. Give the guy a break ... he's a keeper. :)


edited for clarity

[VOX]

48. It's a bit of a power-play on his part: He's saying "I can, but I won't."

It's hard to tell without knowing the tone of voice, the body language, etc., but IMO, his statement, couched within a claim of fidelity, sounds more like it's about him, and his letting you know that he's holding back by checking *his* desires, rather than feeling a sense of commitment to you. At the very least, you certainly have the right to be ticked off at his lousy presentation.

Yes, it's a biological fact that guys are hard-wired to look and fantasize on a moment's notice, BUT -- that doesn't mean he should feel free to share *anything* that comes into his mind and be proud of it, i.e., "Gee honey, you should have seen the great ass on one of my co-workers today - whew, I like to get my mitts on that, but y'know, I just don't want to hurt you, so I won't! Hey, I'm just being open and honest with you!" Obviously, who the hell needs that?

Take 10 minutes, sit him down and ask him to listen. Not to rebut or jump in, but just listen to you. Tell him exactly how his statement made you FEEL. Don't accuse or berate him. Put your words in sentences that begin "I feel like..." or "It made me feel..." Then give him an equal say as to how he feels. Listen to him, and don't cut him off or interrupt. Just 10 minutes -- do not make a huge issue out of this or let it snowball.

Know that we all -- men and women -- say stupid shit all the time, inadvertently or otherwise. Men will look and fantasize, but many of them can indeed govern their behavior out of a loving place for their spouse/SO. This doesn't have to mean a battle, or especially a war -- you both can get past this.

It seems like trust is a big issue for you -- let him know this. If he already does, remind him.

Best of luck to you both --

[rene moon]

49. Thanks for all your comments

I appreciate it :)

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

50. Me and wifey exchange opinions on "hot" people of the opposite sex

all the time. And none of us has any intention of cheating on the other. We watch porno together too.

I only asked her to stop drooling over Mel Gibson. She should drool over George Clooney or Richard Gere instead.

[Deja Q]

51. Appreciate the honesty.

Most people will be tempted if the right person came along.

He's trusting you by saying he'd been tempted but chose to do the right thing.


ALL men are going to fantasize about someone else. We're hormonal. It's still possible to be monogamous and think of doing someone else. It's whether we act on impulse that matters.


I say you have a winner. Such men are rare. Don't berate him, appreciate him. That will only strengthen the bond and eliminate infidelity altogether.

It's not wrong to say that a person finds another attractive. It's love that counts.

But what do I know, I'm a toady gay guy who couldn't get a date if his life depended on it. :-)

[camero]

58. Am I weird?

I say that because when I have a gf I don't fantasize about other women but I do look at them. Kind of like when you see a nice car, I just say to myself, "Oh, that's nice" and then move on. I mean when sex is right there there's not really a reason to fantasize unless the relationship is going downhill.

You just pointed out to me what I forgot about myself is all.

[NightTrain]

52. He should've kept the second part of that statement to himself. However...

...be glad that you married a man who wouldn't hurt you by sleeping with another woman. Sad to say, not all married men are that considerate!

Surely, since you've been married, you've noticed how attractive some other men are. But you wouldn't sleep with them because you know it would hurt your husband, right?

Remember: being spoken for doesn't mean that your eyes have stopped functioning! :pals:

[LanternWaste]

57. Just my opinion...

Just my opnion...

A guy who is devoted not only avoids giving in to temptation, he avoids temptation alltogether. When I was w/ the former Ms. LanternWaste, I simply did not allow myself to get into situations where temptation was an omni-present threat. If it was, I just left.

During poker-night, one of my pal's had a step-daughter. She was young but she was a little too... aware of the effect she had on guys. She told me she had a crush on me and things "could happen".

I simply told my friend when they came back in the room that I had an early morning, left, told Mrs. LanternWaste about (just to be on the safe side) and made excuses not to go back to his place, regardless of how strong I felt my resolve to be.

The point is, I won't be tempted if I walk away. If I don't walk away, I may simply be allowing myself to weaken, whether I realize it or not.

Not a knock against your fella. But examine this feeling in as much depth as you can and try to discuss it with him.

[Taverner]

61. No he's being honest

"I would never cheat on you. I'll admit I've been tempted but I wouldn't because I would never hurt you".

ALL men are tempted. All men secretly look. Assholes cheat, the good guys don't give in.

Lemme put it this way...if you found a wallet with $1000 in it, but a drivers license with an address, you wouldn't take the money - but you would be tempted.

[kodi]

63. oh for god's sake

you do not control the emotions and desires of another person.

is it not revelry enough to share your life with another person who loves you without demanding perfection from them?

it appears you don't know how to communicate readily. all you had to do is ask him "what the hell do you mean dear? what do you call temptation and what is that line?"

you might not have twisted his words, and as you paraphrase them perhaps you made it sound a bit bad, but having him say that he would not cheat on you because it would hurt you means that he invests in the relationship and you a level of empathy that humans usually reserve for their highest ideals. in this case, its you.

all he said was that his emotional priorities towards you are supreme.

a love supreme.

and this troubles you?

i just feel sorry for you that you appear to dislike men in general and are taking it out on your husband, he deserves better from you.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

65. Cut her some friggen slack

She wasn't comfortable with her reaction which was why she brought it here. Cramming it up her ass for asking is a bit extreme.

[kodi]

73. cry me a river. it sounds like you have a problem dealing with the truth

too bad. no soup for you.

what is extreme is posting personal stories and expecting no one to respond truthfully.

one can easily stand the utter narcissism of watching one bare their soul on the internet, but to clap politely at such acts makes it merely a theater of the absurd.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

76. What is extreme is confusing nastiness and antisocial behavior

with being truthful.

One day you will have some issue or something that upsets you to bring here. Hopefully you will encounter people a bit more compassionate than yourself.

The theater of the absurd is certainly all the more enriched by you behaving like a jackass and pretending it has jack shit to do with spreading the truth.

[kodi]

81. the most upsetting thing i would bring here is a story of my sick dog.

bringing personal crises here to ruminate over is about as vain as those who would call in to dr laura for advice.

btw: my compassion rests with that poor lady's husband. he needs it more.

but thank you for showing me your moral superiority. i feel so much better having seen such perfection in my lifetime.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

82. Just following your example

Don't like getting it back...don't dish. The person who started this thread is a longtime Du'er who has been generally kind to everyone on this site. She didn't deserve your nastiness no matter how much glee you got in expressing it.

In fact, you bring more issues than you think.

[rene moon]

74. thanks for sticking up for me!

It just reminds me that DU isn't as open as it use to be...I may not have many posts but I have lurked here since 2001.

[BiggJawn]

64. You should get divorced.

Really. If you have this "bitterness towards men in general" thing going on, why are you even INVOLVED with a man?

When we guys are trying not to be cruel, this is what we're usually thinking of when we say someone has "baggage" It ain't kids, it ain't the fact that your ass isn't as tight as it was when you were 19, it's the "bitterness in general" towards our gender, born of "some guy done did her wrong" which usually manifests itself in subsequent relationships through the spectrum of either expecting full and total honesty from HIM, while you keep something back because you don't wanna get hurt again, all the way to being abusive and using some guy for a verbal and emotional punching bag because you're still torqued off at your last relationship.

And lemme tell you, we don't deserve it any more than you deserve to be compared with HIS past flames.

So I would recommend talking to a Therapist, and if that's no good, set him free and either buy D-cells in bulk or take out a "Color me Curious" personal ad.

Sorry if this seems harsh, but "Been there, got the T-shirt, Mousepad, Coffee Cup AND the fuckin' SCARS..."

[SarahB]

67. I hope you both can work it out

I'm not a very jealous person by nature, but I tend to like men that are inherently pretty sensitive, loyal types. I also know that ultimately I can't control anyone else's actions. I have been married almost 13 years (since I was 19) to a guy who, by his own admission, has some jealousy and insecurity type of issues. For a long time, I asked little for myself, didn't go out much, and looked pretty plain, in part, because it made my life with him easier. I worked on some issues within myself and realized, damn it, I'm still young and attractive and there's nothing wrong with being pretty or being noticed or having a smidgen of a life that doesn't involve him. Honestly, as well, it's been very hard having to fight and demand for what essentially is nothing more than a longer leash. I'm not saying you're like this and he was rather insensitive with how he worded things, but as a person who has felt a bit smothered in a relationship, I know how hard it is. It sounds like you both need to open a good line of communication. We have and are being honest finally about everything. We probably won't make it due to this and some other factors, but at least I no longer feel like a prisoner.

And please, disregard if I stepped out of line or this doesn't apply. I really hope you can find a way to both have a good dialog about this together.

[FDRrocks]

69. He's being honest

[Fridays Child]

71. Was he trying to reassure you with that statement?

Is fear of hurting you his only consideration? If he thought you'd never find out, would he cheat?

Yes, it would definitely rub me the wrong way, too.

[rene moon]

75. No

I think it came out wrong and I took it wrong. Still hurts nonetheless though.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

72. This never-married middle aged DUer would like you to understand

that a woman who has a good man in the house should not reject him lightly.

It sounds as if you are looking for excuses to dump him, or at least to be angry.

One of the best pieces of advice about men that I ever received was, "Never mind what they say. The important thing is what they DO."

In other words, on one extreme, you have the smooth talkers who say all the right things but stomp on your heart the first chance they get, and on the other extremes, the men who are not articulate about expressing their emotions but who are there for you every time.

Don't throw away a perfectly good Type 2 man just because he doesn't phrase things correctly.

[Endangered Specie]

77. All straight men are born live and die with a desire...

to mate with attractive women. That is just the way we are... However, as civilized creatures, we dont act on our thoughts (temptations)... course, many of us do give in to that urge. Its a matter of higher brain (civilized) vs lower brain (wild).

You should be MORE worried if he wasnt tempted.