The trials and tribulations of being a poor democrat.

[BushWhacker]

I'm going to tell you a little story about the worst vacation ever and how everything is coming together for the perfect vacation ever this year. Read it all - I garauntee you'll agree it was the worst vacation.

Ok - so last year I go on a cruise - scrimped and saved up for a REALLY long time to go on it. I had to have my friend Mary go with me, but her check didn't go in time so I loaned her the money for the trip.

I drive my car down to Miami - my 1991 ford taurus with 150,000 miles on it. I get in an accident 2 hours north of Miami with one of those nice SUVs with the "I support Bush and the Troops" stickers, right?

Ok well I get my car towed and that takes all of my extra spending money to do it. So no spending money in the bahamas.

I get to the boat and I'm drenched in sweat from the no-air conditioning of the tow truck. Suffice it to say, not a good impression on all the yuppy republicans on the royal caribbean cruise - on top of me weighing 420 pounds at the time.

Upon getting onto the boat we have a practice muster - so I haul my fat rear up there in my sweat filled ghetto-fab clothes in front of all the well dressed people (you know, the ones who arrived via the limo and jet?).

Anyways - I go get a shower right away.. and I decide to go swimming. Mind you, this was my first trip ever to an ocean. period, let alone a cruise. I had no idea they filled their pools with salt water, nor did I understand the theory of boyeauncy of salt water. I climb down into the pool, my foot comes up, catches on the bottom of the ladder and gouges my foot forcing me to have 8 stitches put in my ankle and them to push me in a wheel chair that doesn't fit my fat bum. - All this in international waters which makes a law suit next to impossible.

So I am sentenced to bed rest for 3 days of my 4 day cruise.

We go to Nassau in the bahamas and my foot is feeling decent enough that I decided I was getting to Paradise Island (Across the bridge spanning a chunk of ocean) come hell or high water. So I haul my bum with my compatriot, Mary, towards Paradise Island. Mary gets pissed off at me for some reason and has a hissy fit and storms off leaving me to walk myself across the bridge. - a 2 mile walk at 420 pounds with 8 stitches in my right ankle.

Along the way a bum stops me and is saying that god blesses people that help others and I decide it was worth a shot so I gave him my last 5 bucks, figuring, what the heck... I have to deal with 4 days, he has to deal with a lifetime.

Halfway across the mile bridge it starts pouring rain.

I make it to the Atlantis Casino, having been drenched with rain water and looking like a really fat drowned rat. I get my picture taken and sure enough it's time to go back to the boat. So I begin my trek back.

I make it back to the ship in time to find out that Mary has gone on a shopping spree (mind you, I had to lend her the money to go on the trip) and accidentally spilled tequila all over my clothing I brought with me.

That night was the captain's dinner - a very formal occasion.. and my nice suit - had tequila stains all over it. So I assemble the best outfit I can and manuever my way to the dining hall where everyone is dressed in their nice suits.

The next day we go to Cococay - a beautiful place where there is snorkeling and ski-dooing etc etc... and I can't have my foot touch water.. so much for that first dip in the ocean. Anyways, I turn into a beach bum for the day and upon returning, I see Mary sitting in the room, crying. She fell asleep in the sun and looked like a lobster.

That was the evening of our final dinner. One of the doctors that was seated at our table ordered a 200$ bottle of champagne for the table. As the waiter pours the bottle of champaigne, Mary decides it prudent to smell the waiter's cologne on his arm - up close and personal. Everyone stares in horror and I almost start crying.

We disembark and I drive my broken vehical home, thankfully she pays for the gas, but lectures me on how I'm going to hell because I'm gay.... the entire... way... back... all 26 hours of it.

That was my trip to the bahamas - she never paid me back - she never will and I have no proof of it.. I have a scar on my right ankle from it.... But I did loose 174 pounds and am almost to my goal weight.

Anyways - as a celebration for loosing the 174 pounds, I had sworn that I would go on a cruise - a good cruise - and I was determined I was going to do it with someone I cared about.

Justin knew me at 420 pounds and still cared about me even then... We just started going out recently and he's agreed to go on the cruise with me if I'm able to save up the money to go - which, it turns out, is impossible to do in this economy. *sigh* perfect guy.. perfect weight.. perfect opportunity - no cash.

*sigh* So I'm thinking about starting a drive for myself to send me to the bahamas - who's in? I need between 1,000 and 1,500 dollars heh I will fully document with pictures and a diary my trip for you all =P Otherwise I am doomed to remaining in Iowa and never reclaiming that trip heh

Desperately yours,
Tim