For those not on top of the drama called my life....

[Khephra]

After 3 years, I fell off the wagon.

I became an asshole again.

I lost my job. My cat died. It's the 9 year anniversary of my last g/f's death and the third year for my grandmother.

I'm starting over again, after losing faith in everything.

That's it.

[Robb]

1. Hadn't noticed the asshole part

;) ...but sorry about the rest. :hug:

I'm starting over again, after losing faith in everything.

Seems to be a lot of that going around.

[woofless]

2. We're with you Khephra.

Remember that the only thing that is real is right now. All else is illusion. Deal with right now.

Woof

[DemExpat]

3. New beginnings....

are all that matter, Khef, along with apologizing to those you hurt or disappoint.....

imho

:hug: :hug: :hug:

DemEx

[Khephra]

4. That's what I left out...thanks!

"And I apologize to all those that I've hurt during my time of pain."

(Add that to the first post)

[Insider]

5. best wishes on the new journey

sunday morning seems as good a time as any to renew, refresh, recommit. thanks for letting us in on it. it is motivational.

[Tandalayo_Scheisskopf]

6. Uhhhh..Keph?

Do yourself a favor, wouldja? actually several favors. Take it from another drunk-in-remission:

1. Beating up on yourself is a time waster. Better to beat up on repukes. That has more societal benefits.

2. Don't drink. Again.

3. Stop referring to yourself as an "asshole" when you mean it. Shithead, perhaps. Not asshole. After all, we are all made from imperfect clay and the last time I looked, there seemed to be a shortage of gods walking the earth. And we are all, in our own manner, Shitheads.

4. Did I mention "Don't drink. Again". Damn halfheimers. Short-term memory is shot.

5. I will see your week and raise you a homeless brother, to make up for the drinking I didn't do. Hell, my brother did enough for both of us. Genetics: The Lash of God.

6. Lemonade is your friend. Either that or the world's most ethereal substance: Walmart Limeade. Drink that. You'll never want to sully your mouth with ETOH again.

[papau]

7. Hang in there, Khephra - you are one of the reasons DU is a nice place

Sorry to hear about the downer aniversary's taking you down. And I hope the job loss can lead to a nicer job.

But take one day at a time, do your best, and hang in there.

hugs and prayers

:-)

[Paradise]

8. great to hear, khephra,

that you've picked yourself up, dusted yourself off, and started over!
glad you're back, and keep the faith! :hi:

[brokensymmetry]

9. Solve et coagula.

I'm sorry to hear about all the problems you're facing - you've always struck me as a very thoughtful and considerate sort of person. I don't believe that has changed.

It's a funny thing about life - sometimes, before we can get to something better, we have to break away from the old patterns - hence, the Latin in the subject. Unfortunately, we don't like to break up those old patterns.

Good luck on your journey. I'll bet that you're smart and good enough to wind up better than you were.

[Tinoire]

10. Awww Keph

I am sorry to hear all of this. Here's a HUGE :hug: coming your way.

Keep the faith no matter how hard it seems on certain days.

And no, I did NOT notice you being an ass-hole so don't beat yourself up with that.

:hug:

[Mikimouse]

11. Glad you're here!...

Kef, believe it or not, there are some positives that you can work with. First of all, you didn't lose the time you already had when you fell off the wagon. Sobriety is a funny thing, but no one can take the time you had away from you. And it is that time that you can look to as an example of how you did those things that were right for you. I'm glad to know that you are working on it again. Lord knows, my disease still speaks to me on bad days, and sometimes I just have to be still and think about how lucky I have been. Sometimes it takes a few seconds, sometimes it takes much longer, but it works for me. Oh, and before I forget, as far as the asshole part goes, don't worry about it. Just decide that being an asshole is OK, and make it part of your life:evilgrin: I have done so, and am a raving asshole 24/7. Makes it easier for others to predict my behavior, doncha know! Keep coming back!:hug:

[NMDemDist2]

12. ahhh welcome back

remember if you stop rowing, the river will take you. So row row row your boat (key word here) gently down the stream

you know the rest!

Keep it real one day at a time :)

[ScreamingMeemie]

13. You are not alone.

You never will be, even though it seems so at times. I'm pulling for you. You can do this!! :hug:

[Skittles]

14. KEF, GET BACK ON THAT WAGON

DON'T LOOK AT IT AS A FAILURE BUT AS A CHALLENGE. GET THEE TO AA IMMEDIATELY. YOU DID IT ONCE YOU CAN DO IT AGAIN.

[acmavm]

15. I'm really sorry to hear that you're having such a rough time. I think

I understand why you feel so jaded and frustrated. Except for the drinking part, I have had four of the worst years of my life struggling to make ends meet and take care of my child. But there are days, not weeks or months, but days where some things seem to click and I understand that maybe it's the little victories that make life worth living, not the big ones.

Lately I've been on the verge of losing my home, having no car to get to work, working at a place that just made me want to open a vein when I got up every morning, no health insurance, my Mom is very ill, my idiot brother who I've tried to help wean from his drug problem for over three years is just been a pain in the ass, you name it. But then yesterday little things began to click. I found someone to sell me a car that runs and I can afford, two weeks ago I got a temp-to-perm job that I love, and I have the money to pay my back house payments. I know that's not like hitting the hundred million dollar powerball, but it sure as hell felt like it. And I know now that the point is not to obscess about my troubles and failures, but to get up each day with the thought that maybe, just maybe, things will start to come together again, or at least give me a little breathing room to try to make it happen.

That is how I feel about this country and the deep shit problems the bush* administration has got us into. We have time to try to make the situation better. This is not the time to be discouraged, that only brings defeat. Anger, hard work, and committment are what really matter.

You sound like you are a survivor, you've overcome your problems before. I'd be willing to be that you'll do it again and come out stronger and better. You are looking at your problems realistically, and you are being honest with yourself. It doesn't sound to me like you're blaming others for your problems, that you are taking the responsibility yourself. That's very admirable and it also shows that you have character and integrity. I sincerely hope that tomorrow and the day after and the day after that things start to turn around and life gets better for you. As Judy Tenuta says, "It could happen".

[Catshrink]

16. Check out Garfield....

I thought of your post when I read it this morning:

[WilliamPitt]

17. I think I just saw a really, really good first step

Acknowledgement. Way to be, Scott. Enough of this 'asshole' stuff, though.

[Khephra]

18. Thanks Will!

Yeah, I'm tired of the asshole stuff too.

[peacefreak]

19. Hang in there, k

You're just as human as the rest of us. Sometimes we soar & sometimes we hit the pond to be one with the scum. I have faith that you will be ok. Remember you do have people that care about you & will give you a hand when you need it.
Someone told me yesterday that the person I'm hardest on is me. Could that be true of you, too? I'll be thinking a good thought for you. P.

[MrBenchley]

20. Hang in there...

You got friends pulling for you, even when you don't know it.

[SheWhoMustBeObeyed]

21. So long as you're sharing

hope you won't mind if I share this: :hug:

I don't know you anywhere as well as others here but I think you're very smart, very brave, and very strong.

[Khephra]

22. Thanks to you all! I love each and every one of you.

Also, for those who might worry, I'm not in a bad financial situation at the moment. I have enough saved back for about 4-6 months...and then it looks like I may be going back to school. Sometimes starting over is the best thing of them all to do.

[VelmaD]

23. We luv ya kef

And you're right about having to start over being the best thing that can happen to you. It was certinaly the best thing that ever happened to me. If you ever need anything...someone to talk to, a shoulder to lean on, whatever, just holler.

[bearfan454]

24. Hang in there.

You can do it. You know you can.

[Generic Other]

25. Lean on us. What are friends for?

You were in school for awhile, weren't you? Lots of times, that adds to the overall stress levels. Some schools have great counseling and support groups. Have you checked those out?

About the job. Did you like it? Or is this an opportunity in disguise, because now you'll be able to look for something more fulfilling? If you really loved the job and didn't totally burn the bridges, you might consider returning and explaining. It is possible the boss would just as soon take you back as retrain a new person. Of course, it might require some slight kowtowing on your part. You do know how to do that don't you? In Japan, the lower you have to bow, the more like a worm you are supposed to feel, but once you do it, they have to forgive you. It's the custom. :)

Anyway, take care friend.

[Khephra]

26. As for my job, I really don't want to talk about that

My life's collapse lead to me losing my job...and I only have the up-most respect for those who work there.

But for various reasons, it was making me miserable too. I'm glad to be moving on.

[Generic Other]

27. Okay, so one somewhat positive outcome...

Sometimes we subconsciously sabotage those things we really don't have the heart to take outright action on.

You are a smart and talented person. You'll land on your feet.

Now go post some great threads on your favorite sci-fi novels! :)

[Raven]

28. Kef, you have many friends here. Sometimes

when everything seems to be going wrong, it makes sense to try and tackle one thing at a time and one day at a time. Try not to get too far ahead of yourself. Like exercise, you don't develop muscles instantly, it takes time, a little bit every day and you will build up your strength. Also remember while you are apologizing to everybody else, forgive yourself! :loveya:

[davsand]

29. Self forgiveness is elusive some days.

Seems like a rare thing to be able to forgive ourselves when the need arises--I'm betting everyone else will be over it long before you are. That is how it always has been for me, anyhow.

You have been offered some excellent advice here from a lot of folks who really do value you and DO love you for who they know you to be. I dunno how much advice I can offer beyond what is here, but I do offer my love and my support.

It has been a very bad time for many of us, and it does seem to be looking up lately. Have you noticed? Better times are coming and this too shall pass just as soon as you get past it for yourself.

BTW, I'm seriously looking at running for office over here in Illinois, and if i do it, I will most likely need campaign help and a lot of emotional support. (That is a pretty big turn around for me after a year of depression and unemployment, I might add!) Anyhow, I'm gonna be begging for help from my DU brothers and sisters--are you up for it?


Laura

[GOPisEvil]

30. Keph...you have our unyielding support.

Lean on us. We're here!

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

31. Almost missed this

I don't think any less of you because you had a setback. Starting over can be good. I trust you to do the right thing and I request you not call yourself names in your weaker moments. You were smart enough to recognize it.

Sorry about all the reminders of pain and loss in your space right now. :loveya:

[Susang]

32. You don't sound like an asshole to me

You sound like someone who's looking for a little support from their friends. I hope you know you've got it here. :loveya:

[flamingyouth]

33. I'm sorry, Kef

I think you're a great person, and I always love reading your posts here. I'm sorry you've been going through a hard time - I hope that you will (ahem) feel the love from your fellow DUers here.

And a lot of good folk fall off that wagon - there are a lot of hands to help you get back on it. Just ask.:hug:

[Lorien]

34. Someone here has a Native American saying

in their sig line; "don't allow yesterday to take up too much of today". I try to follow this advice myself every morning (because I always seem to fall asleep mulling over a mountain of regrets) and remind myself that tomorrow has no mistakes in it yet, that behaviors are often merely habits that can be broken. It seems simplistic, but it helps.

Sending good karma your way, Kheph.

:loveya: :hug: