I have a terrible confession....and I need advice.

[dolo amber]

I have a horrible aversion to persons of a specific ethnic group. Well, in all honesty, it's not even ethnicity as much as nationality. I hate myself for this, and have been ACTIVELY trying for years not to have this reaction, but still it happens. This evening, in line at the store, I was next to a person in this group. He looks at me, smiles like men do at a pretty girl, and says hello in his language. What do I do? I smile back weakly and look at the floor and shuffle my feet. I wanted to cry the whole way home.

Why can't I stop this? In my conscious mind, I have no issues with these people. I really, really don't. It's just that, when face to face with them, I feel uncomfortable. It's a totally sub-conscious, visceral reaction. And I hate it.

(I prefer not to specify what group I have this problem with, as I seriously don't intend or wish to generate any bad feelings.)

Help? Anybody? :(

[bigwillq]

1. Is there something in your past (maybe family members)

who looked 'down' upon these people that is now influencing and blocking your abilities to see these human beings as less than someone of a different group. I would start by looking into that.

[dolo amber]

3. Oh yes

That definitely plays an enormous part in it. My jewish grandmother (of all people) would always call these people 'dirty, dishonest, shady' etc...But I KNOW these things are wrong/not true...and yet I still have this aversion. :(

I just don't know how to fix this. :cry:

[bigwillq]

7. I think you are being influenced alittle about what your family

has said about this group in the past. Believe it or not, we are still influenced about what are loved one's say about things b/c they (family) are the people we are suppose to trust the most whether its good or bad.

But you need to decide for yourself. Next time you see one of these people in that group, strike up a convo. Any of these groups of people work with you, live with you? IF so, try to get to know them for the person inside that they are. If they still rub you the wrong way, it won't be b/c of skin color, nationality or religion ( I don 't know where these people fit in) but it will be because of different beliefs/personality, etc.).

Just give them a chance if the situation arises.
edit: spelll

[skooooo]

16. Counseling might help...

If you can afford a psychologist, or have good insurance to pay for it...

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

2. It's real simple

Stop empowering ANY negative thoughts about them...and NO jokes..even if everyone knows you are just joking...one thing I KNOW from the south, given ALL the time I spend around southerners is that they are SO averse to anything considered PC that they will allow certain terms to be used and use them as well then say..."oh, lighten up, it's just a joke." Well...it isn't...if you REALLY don't want to be bigoted against ANY group then you have to NOT entertain ANY derogatory terms where this group is involved...no funny commnents about their driving...what they eat...none of it.

[dolo amber]

5. I don't know about that

I mean, I've only lived in the south for a short time...but I don't make jokes, and if anything, I'm hypersensitive to jokes/comments made due to the fact that I feel enormous guilt for my own feelings. :(

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

21. OK then building on SOteric's advice

Go eat at one of "their" restaurants...it's a great way to meet and converse with them :D and they'll tell you how to make their food...you are just getting into cooking..everything I know about cooking international foods I learned from the people themselves.

[salinen]

4. Spend more time with this group

Your unnecessary fear of this group will only be stifled by you becoming fearless.

on edit: oy vey, I had a jewish grandmother too.

[Guaranteed]

11. Yes. nt

[TahitiNut]

46. Yes. I'd suggest seeking out the assistance of a trustworthy ...

... clergyman or counseling professional, preferably of that ethnicity, who could offer some initial guidance and then set you up with a match ... someone of that ethnicity who harbors/harbored the same feelings about you/yours.

Kill two evil birds with one stone. Resolve to be open-mined, non-defensive, and honest ... and form a friendship as though you were on a desert island and depended on one another for survival.

It's worth it.


P.S. - I think the key is to see people as individuals and not one of some boxfull of identical parts. Really see them. Take the time. Have the love. See them for who they choose to be.

After all, a person isn't ________ because of how I might see them. It's really about how they see themselves. So I'm learning to wait and discover that rather than put them into some cartooish box of my own ignorant imagining.

[NightTrain]

6. I have the same problem.

I was raised in an atmosphere of overt bigotry. It never even occurred to me question that bigotry until I was in my early 20s. Since then, I've been trying like hell to exorcise those demons from my psyche. I've made a lot of progress, but it's an ongoing struggle with which I fully expect to wrestle for the rest of my life.

Unfortunately, the only advice I can offer is to keep your guard up. Hey, it kinda/sorta works for me! :shrug:

[dolo amber]

14. The weird thing is

where I was raised, I never even heard the word 'nigger' until I was like 6 years old. I'll never forget asking the aforementioned Grandma what that meant and getting a slap to the mouth and a "I don't EVER want to hear you say that again!!". Yet it was completely fine in her book to use derogatory words for the other group. Even at that young age I sensed the hypocrisy, yet this prejudice prevails...:( :shrug:

[liberalhistorian]

32. YOU, bigoted in any way, Dean?

I find that very hard to believe, babe!

But yes, you're right, family influence has a great deal to do with it and it's very hard to shake off years of "indoctrination" even if you're conscious of it.

[NightTrain]

40. I call myself a "recovering racist."

I just don't mention it a lot because I'm tired of talking about it.

[SOteric]

8. Do any of those who number amoung your friends

come specifically from that country? If not cultivate one. Nothing cures a fear like deep, intimate, personal knowledge of someone you genuinely like.

[dolo amber]

13. Unfortuantely, no.

And that's just it. I'm not so good with the cultivating. I'm not ever really anywhere for any length of time where that's really been a possibility at this point either. But you are right in that I'm sure if I became friendly it'd go a long way to help the situation.

[SOteric]

29. Well...and yet...

you have this here internet connection thingamie.

Maybe a DU'er...maybe someone from another message board or from a web community somewhere would fit the bill. Think on it.

[Lars39]

9. Is it a perceived safety issue?

Where feeling uncomfortable = feeling unsafe? That feeling could possibly go back to childhood, where grandma or whoever was giving *safety* advice. Just guessing here...:shrug:

[dolo amber]

12. I don't think so

I think it's more just...well, like I said, an aversion. Like, I'd rather not be where they are. Not really for safety as much as just for... relief. If that makes any sense.

[Lars39]

17. I agree with those that stress you need to really get to know someone

of that nationality(a class maybe?). Until then, KISS(Keep it simple, sister). A smile, a nod, a hello can go a long way. :)

[NMDemDist2]

18. or attend a church with a high percentage of "them"

or some other non threatening place (NOT a nightclub)

you don't have to talk to anyone in church, just sit there long enough to start working thru the feelings

[liberalhistorian]

41. It does make sense, in a way,

because most prejudice is emotional, coming from the very primitive part of our brain. That is why it's so hard to explain and get over, even when you intellectually know better, and that is why it makes us so uncomfortable when we do experience it.

And that's why we don't want to be around a member of a group that makes us feel that way and why we want to generally stay in our safe little enclaves of our "own people"; it's also why it often takes such effort to get out of our comfort zone and learn about other cultures and groups and interact with them. You've taken the first and most important step, that is, recognizing that it's not right to feel this way and trying to do something about it.

[Guaranteed]

10. Is it white guys?

We're gross. I know.

I'm sorry. :(

[dolo amber]

43. Your humor is not lost on me

Just fyi. :D

And yes, you white boys are a stinky lot. ;)

[camero]

15. Face your fears and strike up a friendship with

the person in the affected group. Nothing changes you faster than seeing others doing what you do.

[Lisa]

19. is there someone in that group whom you like or admire?

It could be somebody you actually know -- a co-worker, say, who has similar hobbies or interests -- or somebody in the news, like a writer or political activist. If you think about this person when you meet someone else from that group, it may help you humanize that individual. If one can manage to see a person as being unique, with likes and dislikes which may be quite close to yours, it makes it a lot easier to avoid seeing them as all being the same type.

Let's say I'm not fond of Albertans. There's a woman from Calgary in the next office. I try not to dwell on the thought of her wearing a big hat, or eating big chunks of beef, or shouting "yee-haw!" -- instead, I focus on her enjoyment of mysteries, or her pet cat. Then the other stuff doesn't seem as important.

Quite often, you hear people saying, "Well I don't think much of ****, but Harry's all right." And even though it sounds bigoted, it's actually a first step. One of my dad's co-workers turned to him once and said, "You know, Vic, I don't think of you as being Japanese." And Dad could have gotten offended, but he told me later that he was trying to see this guy as essentially decent, though he'd been brought up to believe all sorts of things about non-white people.

Sometimes there are well-meaning folks who assume that having a positive stereotype means one isn't a bigot. Actually, it's not so. (The number of times people have assumed I know how to fix their computers because I'm Asian!) And while it's a bit easier to laugh things off that way (FAR more pleasant than having stuff thrown at you from passing cars), it's not the same as being viewed as an individual human whose strengths and weaknesses don't represent a whole bunch of other people. At least, that's what I hope for.

I have to keep reminding myself about this, because I can be terribly prejudiced at times. It's a myth that visible minorities, or other groups that have faced discrimination, are completely free of that themselves. I've heard the most ghastly comments from my own family about people who are white, or black, or aboriginal, or poor.

I don't think there is a simple cure for this. (If there were, I would make a whole bunch in the lab at work, and sneak around putting it in city water supplies.) I think it's something one has to work at all through one's life. Some people never get up the strength to face it -- so you're quite a brave person, dolo amber. Remember that!

p.s. sometimes having to deal with these kinds of issues can really hurt. It's not like "The Get-Along Gang" or the "It's a Small World" ride at Disneyland. It's so darn tempting just to crawl back into one's own little enclave, and have friends who are exactly the same, and not even have to talk to anybody who causes discomfort. And I guess that might be possible to pull off, but with more than 6 billion people in the world, and all kinds of exciting things (both good and bad) going on now -- trying to change the way we think about others is quite important. (For one thing, it makes it much harder for governments and organizations to direct hate at particular groups, because if you're able to see them as individuals, you've basically seen through the fiction.) The civil rights and women's movements started on some really big things, and even though there's a long way to go yet, when one thinks about the stuff that used to happen out there in plain view, vs. what's acceptable today, that's a massive social change. And it basically happened one heart at a time.

[AlienGirl]

20. I had a problem like that

I had a serious aversion to and fear of an ethnic group that I thought of as dirty, stinky, hairy, aggressive, mean, and dangerous. This fear was partly due to my mom--who had lived in that group's home country for a while--describing them that way. Heck, she even said their language was ridiculous and awful! And their food was inedible, besides.

It only started changing when I met a few people from that country and really talked honestly with them. I saw that they were no different from other people I'd known.

Now, heck--I live with people who like that country a *lot.* They listen to songs in that language and cook the food (okay, so I still am not crazy about the food). My boyfriend is ethnically a member of that group (though his family's been in the US a long time) and he likes that country too.

It's possible to get beyond prejudice. It just takes effort.

Tucker

[everythingsxen]

22. I still have that problem, to an extent...

I am working on it though...

[AlienGirl]

23. Yeah, but yours is 180 degrees from mine

We're, like, natural enemies or something.

[everythingsxen]

24. Love makes strange bedfellows.

:evilgrin:

[AlienGirl]

26. Then strange bedfellows make love

:P

[everythingsxen]

28. Well of course...

:D

It's great therapy. We should write a book! "Overcoming predjudices with sex". :evilgrin:

[AlienGirl]

30. That might not work for everyone!!

Especially if the prejudiced idea someone has is that the target group is slutty!

[everythingsxen]

31. Noone would accuse my target group of being slutty

:evilgrin:

[AlienGirl]

33. You sure?

[everythingsxen]

34. Pretty sure...

"slutty" is not the most common things I have heard. :P

[AlienGirl]

35. Well, OK

The group I used to dislike isn't slutty either.

Just scary. And fond of icky food.

[everythingsxen]

36. I will agree on the icky food...

I think I preferred the food in the Mideast when I went there on a scouting trip, a Summer back or so.

[AlienGirl]

37. Let's go for falafels!

[everythingsxen]

38. Absolutely!

:D

[dolo amber]

25. I've made the effort

And every time I think I'm past it, something like what happened today happens. I felt like such utter crap. The look on that poor guy's face... he could totally tell I was uncomfortable. It sucked, and there wasn't a goddamn thing I could do about it. :(

[AlienGirl]

27. He might not know *why* you were uncomfortable

He may have just thought you had social phobia, or thought he was cute, or didn't understand him, or something.

Don't beat yourself up over it; making the effort is the important thing!

Tucker

[VelmaD]

39. While I agree that you need to...

work this issue through I also think it speaks volumes about the wonderful person that you are that you are as upset with yourself as you are. Most people don't ever think about their prejudices. Most would never ever be willing to admit to them in public. You're a good and decent person and I have no doubt that you can find a way to work past your feelings about the group in question.

I think people have given you some great advice already and I won't repeat it. The only thing I can add...the next time this situation comes up force yourself to look up and smile. Even if it looks uncomfortable the person will likely pick up that you're trying.

[dolo amber]

42. Oh Velma...

:hug:

Thanks for that...I really was terrified to even post this, but knowing what a great resource for ideas this forum is, I had to try. This is something that has bothered me for so long, I figured it was worth a shot.

Again, thanks. :loveya:

[Ladyhawk]

44. I grew up in a nearly completely white community.

The first dark-skinned man I ever saw--he was from Nigeria--sexually molested me over the course of several weeks. I have worked hard to overcome feelings of prejudice, but I still feel uncomfortable around groups of young black men. The blatant bigotry of my family (even before this happened) didn't help. Nor does the societal stereotype of the "violent young black man."

I am very conscious of my own feelings and try hard to strike up conversations with African-Americans if I get the chance. Usually, these are pleasant exchanges. Each one expunges a bit more of the poison out of my system.

[SheilaT]

45. I have had the same problem.

A certain ethnic group seemed to consist of persons that I never found likable. I've gone out of my way to notice positive qualities whenever I meet members of that ethnic group and believe me, it has helped a lot.

I was not raised to dislike this group. My dislike stems from have some less than pleasant dealings with that ethnic group. But I think I've gotten to the point where I no longer respond with an automatic "ewww" whenever I meet one of them.

And of course it does not matter (except to me) what the ethnic group is, and I would never tell anyone here the identity of it. Because there are probably members of that group posting here (I sincerely hope so) and I've probably read many a thoughtful posting by such persons.

Make a conscious, concerted effort to find good things about this group, and I'm sure you'll be able to.

[Hell Hath No Fury]

47. Exposure, exposure, exposure...

to people in this group is what will help you finally overcome your issue.

I live in San Francisco, one of the most racially diverse cities in the country. I grew up in a black neighborhood and the gay community, went to school in the Latino community, and had family friends who were of the Asian and African-American communities. Even though my own grandparents were racists from the midwest, my Mom was able to move beyond that history and take her family -- even her own parents -- with her.

I will never forget my grandpa's funeral.

A school friend of one of my sister's -- who was black -- had become "family", even to my grandparents. My grandpa's siblings came in for the funeral, mostly from Kansas. After the service we all went back to my grandma's house. Four of the sisters were sitting in the living room when Lloyd walked in and gave Nana a big hug. Three of the sisters got right up and walked out of the room, and never came back in while he was there.

They COULD have sat there and taken a moment to learn who Lloyd was as a person, but they had already made up their minds.

You can take that moment yourself and change your life in the process. I have seen it happen many, many times.

I'll tell you another story.

I have a friend, a homophobic white boy from MA who had never hung out with gay people before. He was a plant delivery guy, and one day he found out his new truck partner was a gay guy. And not JUST a gay guy, but a 6'4, OUT Texas queen who was known to do drag. WELL, he had to spend 5 days a week, 8 hours a day with Mark. This is how bad my friend was: One of the first things he said to Mark was, "Don't touch my butt". :eyes:

Still, my friend went from uptight and uncomfortable about being in the same truck as Mark to spending time at a gay bar with him, comparing sex lives with my, and cruising in the truck for chicks/boys together!

People CAN change if they want to, and the best way to do it is to get out there and meet the people you are the most afraid of. You fear them because you DON'T know them -- we ALWAYS fear the "unknown".

Good luck to you and congratulations for being so honest -- that's the first step to change. :hi:

Hell