WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a press conference today with Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, Secretary of State Colin Powell, and Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge, President Bush announced that the "war on terror" would continue with an invasion of curse-shrouded R'lyeh beneath the waves.
"We have demanded repeatedly that the star-spawn of Riley hand over the terrorist Ithaqua," Bush said, "and have been answered with only arrogant denials and evil sendings." Ithaqua, as Dunwich Herald readers may recall, is considered the most likely culprit in a shocking attack resulting in the death of Santa Claus and all his reindeer. "The United States is going to stand tall and show the world that it will not tolerate these terrorist acts by alien gods in our homeland."
When one reporter pointed out that Santa Claus was killed in Canada, not the United States, Rumsfeld broke in with, "Boy, weren't you listening to a thing he just said?" and struck him with a chair. Powell, meanwhile, gibbered quietly to himself and drooled.
Ridge added, "We have reason to believe that the high priest and ruler of this sunken city has orchestrated a number of other attacks on American citizens, mostly through independently operating terrorist cells or 'cults.' Additionally, communication with these vile creatures has done something terrible to Colin Powell's brain."
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