I've been kind of depressed lately, and I don't know what I can do.

[SmileyBoy]

I guess it all starts with seeing all these threads about teenage sex in the Lounge, and it makes me think that I'm REALLY FUCKING PATHETIC that I haven't had an intimate relationship with a female, and I'm almost 22 years old. In high school, girls wouldn't even give me the time of day, and in college it seems to be the same. I had a girlfriend once, but I was too afraid to take it to the next level, and that's probably why she broke up with me. I still can't believe I was THAT afraid to have an intimate relationship with a girl whom I obviously liked a LOT, and I knew she really liked me, and I was SO SHY that my fears overtook any common sense I could've had. I mean, it's like for some reason, I was afraid of potentially going all the way, when that's what really I wanted in the first place!!! It's been almost a year and a half since then, and it seems all contact I have with females seems to have been cut off.

Seeing all these articles about high school kids "hooking up" and having casual sex makes me more depressed, considering that those kids are my younger brother's age, that I'm a lot older than I previously realised, and I still haven't been able to have an intimate relationship with a member of the opposite sex after all these years in which I could have had the chance.

Of course I have guy friends, the ones I go out drinking with, my co-workers, the guys I hang out with at their place, etc. I have no problems making casual friendship/relationships with guys in general. I used to have problems with that when I was younger, tho. I don't know, maybe I'm just gay. I don't know if my ingrained FEAR of talking to girls is indicative of some underlying homosexuality. Probably not, probably I'm just REALLY intimidated by them. I haven't been able to talk to ANY of them since I broke up with my ex-girlfriend, and the lack of ANY relationship with a female has really gotten to me over the past year or so.

But it's not like my life is a complete disaster, or anything. I'm getting good grades, I have a kick-ass job (only for part of the year, but still), I have loving parents and I have friends who are really fun to be around. It just seems that there's an emptyness to my life right now, the lack of female companionship and/or intimate relationships.

My life is not worthless by any means, it just seems void of something very important right now.

I just wanted to say how I feel.

[Servo300]

1. Been there...

I never even went on a date until I was 21 years old.

Now I've been happily married for 23 years! So hang in there, there's hope.

[rumguy]

2. you have to make the moves dude

[demnan]

3. You're just a kid

and you have your whole life ahead of you. Get into a hobby, get out and meet people. Heck I think all you do is work, go to school and drink with your buddies.

Go where the girls are and have a little courage, but don't worry, baby, you're barely weaned. :hi:

[Beware the Beast Man]

4. Not to worry, you are young-

To be frank, I didn't date a lot or get laid much as a young man, but that's all forgotten when you find the one. Now that I am a seasoned 30 years old and married, I can tell you that you'll find the one, or at least the next best thing :evilgrin:

[Loonman]

5. CONFIDENCE!

Don't worry about "sense of humor" or creativity or any of that bullshit. Being confident and sure of yourself reaps it's own rewards.

[SmileyBoy]

I heard that girls are really attracted to guys who are confident:

And I think the fact that I didn't feel confident at all was probably the reason she broke up with me...

[Beware the Beast Man]

7. Cofidence is overrated-

I'm insecure as all get-out, and I still managed to get hitched. It's just who you feel comfortable with.

[Loonman]

9. Probably

You have to act like you don't really give a damn. Eventually you don't, then whatever drops into your lap is a bonus.


Nobody can respect anyone who is passive-aggressive or overly cocky, but being "Que Sera, Sera" works much better.

Don't accept unreasonable demands, and always look out for Number 1, because not everybody will.

If you respect yourself, others will.


Dating is a minefield meant to be navigated circumspectly, but you have to enter the minefield to get the reward.

[MissMillie]

6. Void of something

sex or intimacy?

There is a difference.

Which is it you really want?


Personally, I think intimacy, true intimacy, is worth waiting for (finding the right person).

Sex.... anyone can have sex.

[LastKnight]

8. im pretty much the same way...

only recently did it change, and she took the first step, actuially, after that i kinda got the message, but still, im pretty pathetic as well.

its easier said than done... but just go talk to em, women arent some supreme group of beings (uh oh im in trouble now arent i? lol), they are just people, just like you, took me about a year and a half to get that through my head. and i still have to force myself to act normal around em.

they arent perfect either... although they may seem like it... dont be afraid to just be who you are... sense of humor has gotten me farther than any of my other attributes, and you seem to be a pretty funny person from what ive seen. but everyone needs to find their own thing that gets to people in a good way.

anyway, best of luck. things will change

-LK

[Misunderestimator]

17. "women arent some supreme group of beings"... Lesson #1:

Oh, yes they are. :) :bounce::bounce::bounce::bounce::bounce:

[LastKnight]

21. i knew it was coming...

im just tryin go give a little encouragement, how can you expect any of us to have any confidence with that unlevel playing field? lol

it was a lie, yea, but it ended up helping me...

-LK

[Misunderestimator]

23. Seriously though...

Respect is the ultimate aphrodisiac. Don't roll those eyes, don't constantly have to have the last word, don't always know more than she does. Simple etiquette really. And it works.

[LastKnight]

25. who said i was being disrespectful to anyone?

treating somone equally does not mean disrespect in any form whatsoever... im all about respecting people.

-LK

[Misunderestimator]

26. Oops... you took it the WRONG way...

I was actually just giving my advice to the original poster. Sorry for the misunderstanding. You didn't seem disrespectful at all. I knew you were joking. :) :handshake:

[LastKnight]

27. lol oops, sorry... no harm done. nt

[Misunderestimator]

28. And that, my friend :) is Lesson #2:

Never assume you know what a woman means. :) :bounce::bounce::bounce::bounce::bounce:


Always... ask for clarification if there's a doubt. :)

After all... I'm old enough to make crap up. :evilgrin:

[dawg]

10. You sound pretty much normal.

The only thing that sounds a little off is that you were "afraid" of taking the relationship to a physical level. I'm wondering what had you so worried. I'd need to know that in order to make a definitive diagnosis.

But I was a 20 year-old virgin, myself. And looking back, I wouldn't have done any differently. Sex is something powerful that can be used to ehnance a close and loving relationship. But it isn't everything. And fewer people are doing it than you would think.

[fudge stripe cookays]

11. Find an older woman to teach you about life.

Then you'll be less shy, and able to make the necessary moves from then on.

I took a young insecure college freshman and turned him into a normal guy.

Good luck!
FSC

[belladonna]

31. I did the same thing

He's a happily married man now, and believe it or not, his wife knows and thanked me for it. Here I thought she'd found out about our past affair and I'm expecting a big scene, instead I get a thank you. Go figure :P

[fudge stripe cookays]

32. You GO girl!

It wasn't really my cup of tea, really.

The constant, "Is this ok? Is this alright? Should I do this?" got a little annoying after awhile, but he was so darn sweet I couldn't bear to break his heart.

Finally I saw a little distance getting put up, and it looked like he was starting to glide off on his own. Sure enough! I felt like Kelly Le Brock in Weird Science. {{{snark!}}}

Yay us!
FSC

[belladonna]

34. Sweet, sweet Paul

Sounds like we had similar experiences. He was so sweet and tried so hard to make me happy that I had a hard time breaking things off too. But the same thing happened, and eventually we had a little talk about age differences and how perhaps he'd be better off finding someone closer to his own age.

[patcox2]

12. Rent the movie "The Tao of Steve," that will help.

I was once in your shoes; hell, I was there for years.

Rent the movie. Number one, its funny, so it will cheer you up. Number two, it has the one single best line about how to be attractive to women I have ever heard: "Be excellent in their presence." Whatever it is that you do well, do that. For a date, forget the movies or dinner, take a girl to go and do what you do well, something where you get to be the teacher; like windsurfing or antiquing or whatever, if its what you love and do well and you are sharing it, you will be charming.

The movie is about a guy named Steve who is giving advice to his friend about how to be succesful with women. The way to do it is to learn "the tao of Steve." The Steve refers to Steve McQueen. It partly tongue in cheek, but it also has some wisdom.

Cheer up, she could be the next girl you meet, she could be years off, but she's out there.

[rumguy]

14. great, great movie

1. Be desireless

2. Be excellent in her presence

3. Hide

[VelmaD]

35. Gotta disagree with your advice...

at leat a little bit. That whole "teacher" thing can come across as really condescending if you aren't careful.

[patcox2]

37. I didn't mean it in a condescending way.

I know what you mean. I am talking about bringing your potential love along with you as you do what you genuinely love, genuinely sharing, not condescendingly lecturing. Its about being genuine, but at the same time presenting your best (genuine) face.

[meatloaf]

13. Don't sweat it. I didn't go on my first date until I was 26.

I'm now happily married. Everything happens in due time.

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

20. Hey, are you my lost twin or something? (nt)

[MikeH]

15. I Feel Your Pain

OK, sorry for being trite.

At age 53 I am going through a rough time right now. I had a good full time job which I was laid off from several years ago, and have been working off and on part time since, and have gone through a lot of money.

And I am feeling depressed that I really missed out on a relationship with a girl or woman when I was younger, and right now the prospects seem rather bleak for me (though one can never tell).

This is for various reasons, including a very rough time in high school, and problems I had when I was younger. Some of it was due to circumstances; in particular I moved with my parents to California from Illinois when I was 20, and did not have a chance to finish some unfinished business until I went back to my 20 year high school reunion in Illinois.

But I would also have to say that some of it was due to some personal choices; there were things I felt I needed to do before I felt ready to be in a serious relationship with a woman. (In particular I needed to take a trip to Europe, which I finally did at age 46).

While there is a lot about my life that I am happy about, I am dealing with the pain that I missed out as far as a woman or women were concerned when I was younger. In particular I was too shy to get to know a girl who really liked me in high school, and even though I saw her when I went back for a reunion, it is painful that I have not since had a relationship to make up for the pain of what I missed in high school.

I am still hoping it is not too late for me.

Being young, I wish you better luck than I had.

[SmileyBoy]

16. I'm sorry to hear that...

I hope the both of us can find a stable relationship in the next few years.:)

Cheers.

[MikeH]

19. Thanks

:)

[Lydia Leftcoast]

36. uh, Mike

If you're 53, you'll be happy to know that there are a lot more single women in your age group than single men.

Get out and around (I can guarantee that no women will show up uninvited in your living room), and if you're at all presentable (reasonably polite and intelligent, bathe regularly, have a sense of humor) they'll find you. I'm serious.

And don't worry about your lack of experience. Some of my friends have said that they fantasize about teaching an inexperienced man. If you run into one of them...

[underpants]

18. Excercise

It is a sure cure for the blues and you would be surprised who you meet out there.

Join a gym or go to a gym or join a running club or Hashhouse Harriers (drink and run) if they are in your area.

They ain't going to come knocking on the door...except the Jehovah's Witnesses and you really don't want that.

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

22. My prescription: vacation in Brazil

Girls WILL go ga ga over you. Unless you look like Donald Rumsfeld.

[rumguy]

24. really?

[SmileyBoy]

30. I don't look ANYTHING like him...

:D:D:D

I'm Turkish, but I look very Italian with my black, slicked back hair and large eyebrows. I'm overweight, but it's more of a weightlifter's/wrestler's body rather than just a fat slob's body. I lift weights a lot anyway.

[fudge stripe cookays]

33. "Meerhaba!

Oda da dush varmi?"

Sorry, that's about all the Turkish I remember! I was teaching myself a couple years ago when I was still single. My dream was to go to Istanbul, Ephesus, and the Turquoise Coast.

Now, with Bush in power I'm getting too nervous to travel anywhere. Bastard.

FSC

[Westegg]

29. I only read your first 3 sentences. I get it...

Shyness is a problem. I was shy. I AM shy. Always will be. I used alcohol and drugs for a long time to get over my shyness, but in time I realized that was a very sharp doubled-edged sword. Your fear of talking to women is not an indictation of homosexuality. On the contrary. My gay male friends, in high school and college (and post-college, a.k.a. The Real World) had fabulous relationships with girls because there was no tension there.

I'll suggest that maybe you see a therapist about your fears and anxieties. Fears are common. We all have fears. Some men who have fears about women are able to over-compensate and thus be very aggressive towards females and so they get what they want, or what they think they want. There's no shame in NOT being that way, and I daresay most healthy women would agree with me on this.

You sound like me, and like a lot of other guys. It's OKAY for men to be insecure. But at your (young) age, and based on your description of yourself, I'd say that you're a bit of a late-bloomer (nothing wrong with that) who is a tad too fearful about what you THINK women expect of you. Women expect, and want, the same things men do: Thoughtfulness, sensitivity, sense of humor. Compassion and understanding. When you feel as you feel (and I know how you feel), you end up selling yourself short because you feel that you're somehow lacking in something that women want. You aren't, okay? That's just in your head, bro. Sounds to me like you've got it all.

It's tough as hell dealing with insecurities. Therapy can help. Some medications designed for social anxiety can help. But here's my final thought and maybe this is important: What has happened in the past is over and done. Don't dwell on it. Move on. Shit, you're so damn young. I know it might not seem like it to you but, from my prespective, you are, and you've got a full future ahead of you, including lots of hot sex with women you want to be with, and who want to be with you. Belive it, dude. Don't be so hard on yourself, okay? I was, for a long time. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy, do you get what I mean? If you think little of yourself, why should others do otherwise?

Anyone who can write what you've written here (I confess: I finally read your full post) has everything needed to achieve happiness.

[ringmastery]

38. Go on a trip to Eastern Europe

Poland, Hungary, Czech, Romania. Seriously. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful drop dead gorgeous girls will go after any american that looks half-way decent. You don't even have to be a young guy. 20 year old hot girls will go after 50 year olds. They don't care.

They want you to marry them and have you bring them back to the united states. They want a green card and believe me, they'll do just about anything to get it!

[ThoughtCriminal]

39. If it can happen to me...

there's hope for anyone. I was 28! Now I've been married for 17 great years. Seems like many of couples that I envied back then are lonely now. I never take my love for granted.

[nickgutierrez]

40. Same problem here

I'm just too damn shy to talk to anybody. I've had female friends, but when it comes to asking them out or anything like that, I just can't do it. You're not alone, as you've found from all the replies :).

[Angelus]

41. Man...my life is worthless too.

I can't be happy. I am always depressed. I have anxiety disorder. I have ADHD...and that's just scratching the surface.

Sometimes I wonder why I even go on with life in general. It sucks that bad.

Today, I found out that my grandma did some horrible stuff to me when I was little. Let's just say that it was so bad that I wish her to burn in hell for all eternity. I hate her as much as I hate GWB.

[HEyHEY]

42. "Underlying homosexuality" - know the feeling

I assure you, if you're like me, it's just doubts because you've had no realtions with females.

Now, if your feelings are stronger..obviously go with it. But I just don't want you to waste time being confused. If you're like, where at the end of the day, you think about women...you just need to get out more.

[Lauren2882]

43. As the person who started that thread...

... I apologize for posting something that made you depressed. It depressed me too actually, but more in a "God what has the world come to?" kind of way. I don't think you have anything to envy in the lives of those kids... if you want to talk about emptyness, it seems to me like they're the ones who've got it.

[sleipnir]

44. Yeah, trust me, been there before...

Don't worry, it won't last forever. Life is a bitch sometimes, it's hard to find the right people, because there are so many assholes, idiots and too many damn Repugs...

Seriously, it's a tough situation, I was in the same place you are just a few years ago. Don't get desperate, either in sex or in life...

Those damn articles piss me off, too, I get really upset and slightly depressed. I think about what I was doing at 15, 16, 17 (it sure as hell wasn't having sex) more like playing way too much Doom 2 or reading interesting articles about DNA, moping about with my Radiohead albums. I'm pissed off as I'm single, not really casually "getting any" at the moment and I read about these damn kids who text message themselves for sex...sad for those kids, I don't want to be their shrink in 20 years.

Anyway, don't worry, you're not alone, others have been in your place and lived. It will happen, just be pro-active (I know how hard that is, but just try once or twice, get over the hump (ahhemm..wrong word choice.)) Try a slight attitude adjustment, with a little advance on some girls that you might already be friendly with. Nothing radical, just be confident, that's really the key....

[clyrc]

45. I was 23 when I started dating my husband

I was still a virgin but absolutely beside myself wanting sex. I remember the years of no boyfriends, and they weren't much fun. I remember hormones being as insane as they could possibly get, but being too scared to do what I so desperately wanted to do. With the vantage point of ten years of marriage, I can say sex is a big deal, but not quite the all-encompassing thing I thought it would be back then.

I found my shyness didn't actually get in the way when I was really attracted to someone. When there wasn't anyone, I obsessed about males and sex, but I don't think it got me anywhere. I tried to concentrate on my education and other things, and sometimes I could. Then finally, after years of a largely imagined romantic life, I met my husband and I didn't even let the fact that he ignored me the first three times I tried to talk to him discourage me. In retrospect that's strange because I've been known to cry over a stranger's hurtful remark, but I guess I was just determined to make him see me as a potential girlfriend. After a few months he came around, and a few months later we were engaged and I finally felt comfortable enought to have sex.

I know I wondered why what came so easily to other people was so hard for me. Well, that was just me.

Keep a watchful eye on possiblities while making the rest of your life productive. That's my advice.

[TrustingDog]

46. Relax...

Relax and be yourself comfortably, she'll find you. Way too much hype about coupling and sex and teaming up... do it your way.

[Delano]

47. When I was a teen, most boys lied about how much sex they had...

...and I'm sure they still exaggerate (though they are certainly more active younger today).

I waited til I was 19, but I don't think it really would have mattered if I was 15 or 24. It happened when it happened. Once you finally go through with it, you'll find that it comes a bit more naturally and any weird guilt issues you might be having will diminish.

If you are intimate with a series of girls and you don't feel it's right for you, that might be the time to start considering men. Even if you get intimate with a few men, that still won't mean you're gay. Getting a boner from a guy and wanting to sleep with men all your life are two different things. At some point you'll be sure of who you are, and you can proceed with yourr life and the process of eventually finding your life partner.

The one thing I wish I hadn't bought into in my youth was the notion that sex HAD TO BE paired with love. It's just not so. As long as you are with a person you like, trust, are not committed to someone else, and it's consensual - GO FOR IT. It is the natural thing to do. I had a very close girl friend (not girlfriend) who I wasn't in love with but always wish I had put the moves on. Now I'm married and it's too late.

I'm all for sowing your wild oats in your youth, then complete fidelity once you're married. A promise is a promise, IMO.