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The guy on Marketplace (or maybe it was Sound Money) interviewed the woman from TheKnot.com on NPR today, about wedding gift etiquette. (The show was about money, so of course "etiquette" dealt with money).
She got me thinking (and pissed me off tremendously).
Among her assertions:
1. If you receive a wedding invitation, you must buy a gift.
2. If you receive a shower invitation, you must buy a gift.
3. If you receive an engagement-party invitation, you must buy a gift.
(For all three: These are required, regardless of whether you attend, and if you're invited to all three, you must buy a gift for all three, again without regard to attendance. These also are independent of whether you've spent a ton of money just to be at or stand up in the wedding.)
4. The absolute minimum you should drop on a wedding gift -- we're talking for that creepy guy in marketing who invited everyone, not your brother -- is $50; preferrably $100 if you're in New York or somewhere else expensive. The ONLY way around this is a group gift (which you are permitted to do only if your finances don't allow you to spend that $50/$100).
5. All couples prefer you get them something from their registry (instead of an "individual" gift.) If all that's left is that $300 chafing dish, and you can't afford it, well, then give cash. Cash is the only acceptable alternative to the registry, unless you know the couple really, really well.
Does this sound a tad materialistic to you? My understanding of gift etiquette is thus:
1. If you receive a wedding invitation, all you're obligated to do is wish the couple well. However, if you attend the wedding, it's a good idea to send one. If you don't attend the wedding, it's still a nice gesture. If you don't know the couple well, and it's clear they're gift fishing, feel free to ignore it or send them a nice card. (A snotty thing I might do is make a contribution in their name to the library or something.)
2. Showers are intended as gift occasions, so if you attend, you must buy a gift. It need not be extravagant.
3. Engagement parties aren't traditionally supposed to be gift-getting affairs -- but a nice small token gift (champagne, etc.) is appreciated.
4. You give what you can afford, and in some areas, dropping $50 on a virtual stranger is absurd. Homemade gifts, gifts of services (making the wedding cake, finding a babysitter for the kids at the wedding) or gifts of time can be the most appreciated.
5. Every couple is different. The registry is often there for a convenience. Most couples will appreciate a thoughtful gift that's not on the registry. Cash is cool, too.
As for me, personally -- I live in Wisconsin, which isn't a high-cash-gift state.
We usually don't give cash; our average gift is $50 worth of stuff from the registry for a work friend/second cousin type person, less for someone we don't know well (like they felt they had to invite the whole department or the entire side of the family or something), significantly more for a close friend/family (unless we've already dropped obscene amounts of money on an ugly matching dress and plane tickets, and then we do what we can afford). Someone who's quite obviously gift fishing gets a card.
If I attend the shower, I usually spend about $25-$30 (in addition to the wedding gift).
I almost always add a personal touch to a registry gift, though -- if someone registered for grill tools, I'll get those and add a Penzey's grilling spice set. Or we'll add a bottle of wine to the requested glasses, etc.
This isn't an "engagement party" area, but if we did get invited, we'd bring wine (or something appropriate and festive for a non-drinker).
So....what do you think about this Knot woman's thoughts? What are your averages? Do all of these "musts" and minimums seem way out of line, and way materialistic to you?
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