Divorced parents still battle for custody--after 38 years.

[catzies]

No, not a real headline. But it's my life.

Okay, so I'm in my 40s, when are my parents going to stop making me choose?

I'm in California. My dad's in Miami. My mom is in Baltimore. I'm cashing in some frequent flyer miles and want to go to Miami for some fun in the sun.

So, I forget and on the phone to my mom last week I tell her I'm going to Dad's and she first asks why aren't I coming to see her? She came to see me last fall for 10 days. I haven't seen my dad since 2000 or 2001. Oh, and I've lived here since 1979 and never once has my dad come to see me.

My mom wants me to go see the extended family (godparents, etc.) -- and if I tell my dad I'm doing that, I'll get grief from him, "Why do you want to go see those old hippies?" Besides, I'm not even renting a car and I'd have to ask my stepmom for her BMW to go to Coconut Grove and I'm very reluctant to do that.

So, now I'm not even looking forward to going to Miami anymore and I just remembered why I live 3,000 miles away from both my parents.

I don't have anybody I can talk to about things like this.

Back to your regularly scheduled Lounge.

[slinkerwink]

1. I experience the same thing with my parents---they want to

monopolize my vacation time. *sigh*

[Maat]

3. Stand firm. Don't feel guilty. It is your life. You must do what is..

best for you. After all, each one is playing the game they like best (and thinking only of themselves).

[Lydia Leftcoast]

8. I feel your pain

In 2000, after seven years of self-employment, I finally had enough money to travel to Japan for three weeks, centered around the late May international convention of Japanese-English translators. It was going to be my first real vacation in nine years, since I don't count visiting relatives for Christmas or weekend trips to boring cities for national conventions as "vacation."

Everyone was happy for me except my mother, who was angry that it meant I would not be visiting her for my birthday (which I hadn't done anyway for several years).

Of course, I went to Japan anyway, and she got over it, but not without giving me a lot of grief first. I think it was kind of a power play, because she did not object two years later when I did the same thing, only this time I stayed in Japan for a month.

[demnan]

2. Just go and see your Dad

Men die first, he won't be around forever. Just tell your Mom that too. That might be a reason she could relate to. (Even if your Dad is in good health).

[slinkerwink]

4. I honestly think my mom would be happier if my dad died

[demnan]

6. That's too bad

She shouldn't harbor bitterness, it could shorten her life.

[democratreformed]

12. Hate to be a party pooper, but

men do not always die first. That's what I always thought too 'til my mom died at 52 and my dad went nuts.

[Book Lover]

5. When? Never.

I fear that I'll be the same way when it's my turn to be the parent of an adult child; cleaning off someone's ass for a few years breeds a feeling of ownership that is hard to shake off. Good luck!

[SW FL Dem]

7. You have my sympathies!

My in laws have been divorced for ages, and my MIL still feels the need to compete with my FIL for attention. We used to live within a few miles of both and it got ugly at times (especially after my FIL had a quad bypass and ended living with us for a few years.) As much as I miss SoCal, I have to admit it's wonderful being almost 3000 miles from them!

[catzies]

9. Can I come and stay with you instead? :)

All I wanted to do was lie in the glorious Florida sun and drink umbrella drinks, was that too much to ask? ;)

[Heddi]

10. You have my sympathies---I completely understand

Hubby and I grew up on East Coast. All my family lives in SC. His lives in SC, NC, and MD. His mom lives in KS.

We moved to Seattle about 4 years ago. At first, we were going to drive the 3000 miles. But his mom wanted us to stop in KS to see her. Gee...only a 1500 mile detour each way. No problemo :eyes: So we figured that would be okay for a day or two "A day or two?" HELLO---We're driving a fugging moving van across the country, 1500 miles OUT of our way to see you, with 2 cats in the truck and you want us to camp out for a week? No thanks.

Ended up flying out, which really cheesed her.

Also, my friend at the time lived in Arizona. When I told her we were considering driving, she wanted us to drive down to AZ then UP to seattle. Told her no can do. We were planning on taking the northern route to avoid as many mtns as possible. SHe, too, was cheesed off at the idea that we were being SO SELFISH and not wanting to trapse across the fucking country in a fucking MOVING VAN with 2 cats in the middle of fucking SUMMER and go from SC to KS allllll the way to AZ then ALLLLLLL the way up to seattle.

Yes, I enjoy spending thousands of dollars on gas alone :not:

So now we're out here and the family is out there.

His mom came to visit once, we've visited her 2x's. Dad has come once, we've visited him 3x's.

Because I'm a full-time student and hubby is a FT student, when we have 'vacation time' (read: 4 working days and the weekend) we don't have any money to travel. When we have $$ to travel, we don't have vacation time.

And AMAZINGLY---I know, we're so fucking selfish---sometimes, I don't WANT to go back to hot humid South Fucking Carolina every fucking year. Sometimes, I'd like to go to Las Vegas. Or Europe. Or in my apartment with the telephone turned off for a week smoking shitloads of cigarettes.

But oh no! That's far too greedy and selfish. Apparently upon birth, all children are forced to spend their money and travel 3000 miles across the country every fucking year to see their parents & sisters when none of them can be bothered to come out to see US.

I feel your pain.

Luckily, my mom is a single parent and she loves Seattle and comes out here as often as she can. I get no shit from her. And I do love my inlaws dearly---they're wonderful people=---but they don't understand that my husband and I are our own family unit, and we have our own things that we'd like to do, and just because we'd rather spend time and $$ going to Las Vegas, or London, Or NYC doesn't mean that we love them any less than if we spent the $$ and time to go to their house, sit on the couch for 6 days watching Jerry SPringer and wondering why we went all the way out there because it's even MORE boring than if we stayed at home.

:breathe...breathe:

Sorry to rant in your thread :)

[catzies]

15. You have my sympathies too, Heddi.

If I go on vacation anywhere except near where each of them live, neither of my parents would say anything.

Last year I had to save up my vacation time until October to accomodate my mother who came to see me for ten loooong days. It was more her vacation than mine. I felt I made a sacrifice, and she felt it was due her.

Both of my parents have always been very selfish and self-absorbed, and it just figures that everything is still all about them.

This is an actual quote from my mother: "If I hadn't left you kids, I never would have lived my life." Hope it was worth it Mom.

Yes, this is not only about parents who want my undivided affection -- they also want it after not giving a shit and giving us up when we were kids, and they wonder why we're ambivalent about them now.

[jmm]

11. Sounds like my family.

As my mom's older sister was walking down the isle at her wedding my grandfather turned to my mom and said if she ever gets married she should elope. The reason being that he couldn't stand to be in the same room as my grandmother. I don't just have to deal with my parent's divorce, I get to deal with feuding exes all over the family tree. My brother and I made a pact when we were very young that we would invite everyone to everything (our graduations, First Communions, etc.) and if someone didn't come because so-and-so would be there then we didn't need to invite them to any future events. At least until they learned to put other people before their pettiness. Hopefully their selfishness won't get in the way of your vacation.

[GumboYaYa]

13. I have to deal with the same exact thing.

Now that I have kids it is even worse. My mom and I stopped talking for almost a year when I decided not to haul the whole family to her house for Christmas.

For the longest time I just lied to both parents so neither knew when I saw the other parent. Eventually, I realized that I am an adult now and lying to please my parents is just stupid.

After many arguments with both parents over the years, finally I am a place in life where I do what is best for me and my family and let the chips fall where they may.

Go where YOU want to go for vacation and have a good time!

[catzies]

14. I used last year's vacation to spend time w/my mom who came to see me

I know exactly what you're talking about. Both my brother and I have keep stories straight on what we do/don't tell mom & dad.

It's not me going on vacation that makes either of them speak up, it's them only getting hurt when one of us sees the other. My brother can go to NASCAR races out of state and that's no big deal. But if he sees Mom Dad acts hurt and vice versa.

All of our lives they wanted us to choose and it's still not over.

Cheney, it drives me nuts. And I can tell you right now neither of them knows or cares that I'm upset about it.

It's just my problem. It prob. won't go away until one of them is gone. Then I'd get grief from my mom for going to my dad's funeral, I guess. :eyes:

[Heddi]

18. I hear you

And I can tell you right now neither of them knows or cares that I'm upset about it

There have been so many instances in my husband's family (mostly at the behest of his elder sisters) where my poor husband who would do anything for anyone is sitting there asking "Don't our/my feelings count for ANYTHING?"

Eldest sister got pissed off when we decided to move to Seattle. OBVIOUSLY it was because we didn't want to be around her newborn son. OBVIOULSY :eyes: Couldn't be because WE were tired of living in the South East! Couldn't be because we wanted to aspire to making more than $30k a year max at our jobs. COULDN'T be because moving away would make us happy and is what we wanted to do and woudl rather kill ourselves than live within 1 hour driving distance from the place we were born for the rest of our lives.

NO! It couldn't be ANY of those things. Why, it MUST be because we HATE OUR FAMILY!!!! Didn't we know how TORN little baby boy would be never knowing Uncle Mark and Aunt Heddi? (Despite the fact that I'm quite close to relatives of mine that I've not seen since...wel...ever. Phone calls and letters are a wonderful thing) Didn't we know how IMPORTANT family is?

Of course, when she speaks of family, she means HER, HER HUSBAND, HER CHILD, and HER PARENTS. Mark and I are just nothings. We're the stupid little retard kids who are off in Seattle trying to show everyone how grown-up we are, and one day...one day we'll get our senses together and move into one big communal house in Charlotte NC and the whole family can be one again (it never was to begin with).

The arrogance of family just astounds me. Makes me happy I haven't got a father, and makes me SUPER happy I'm an only child. Dealing with Mom and Grandma and all of those is enough for me.

---

Mark and I have often asked why you can't divorce your family. Just cut off all ties. Or say "you know, being a family didn't work out. We should just be friends"---but that would never fly

[GumboYaYa]

20. Catzies, in a sense you are right

when you say "it's just my problem." While your parents create the conditions for the problem to occur, you are the one who let's yourself be torn between them. It can be painful for all parties involved, but ultimately it is best if you assert yourself and tell both parents how you feel. Then, do what YOU want to do as far as vacation. If both parents are mad at you, go some other place for some time on the beach. Eventually, your parents will realize that their love for you is stronger than their hatred for their ex.

[CO Liberal]

16. THe Only Thing That Stopped The Battles Between Me and Ex-Wife #1...

...was her death six years ago this month from heart and kidney failure at age 46.

Ex-wife #2 moved to Pennsylvania after we separated and I haven't seen her since the day the divorce was granted in 1993. We had no kids together, so there's no reason to battle with her.

[Sean Reynolds]

17. Come to Salt Lake!

:)

It'd be nice to see ya' again. ;-)

[catzies]

19. Aw, honey. Coming for the dedication of the statue for sure!

:loveya: