Sergeant Gump's Lonely Hearts Club

[ForrestGump]

Ever get lonely? Yeah, probably. Me, too. Ever want to shun all human contact as a reaction to losing yourself in various kinds of relationships? Me, too.

I've been thinking a lot today about my (more uncertain than ever, in every possible way) future and have particularly been pondering the big space inside me where the love stuff is supposed to go. I really want to find someone, one day, even though I'm not about to actively look in a hurry. I also recoil to at least some extent at the thought of finding someone, no matter how perfect for me. Confused? You will be...

Am I just meant to be alone? 'Alone' sounds to me -- in keeping with what seems to be a fairly dichotomous character -- both sad and good. Sometimes the need to find That Thing Called Love and to give and receive it gets overwhelming, but the reality when I think about it, can leave me cold. I mean, what are the odds that a person could meet another person and have it be Mostly Good Stuff forever (I'd never be so naive to suggest that any union could be absolutely perfect).

There's also the undeniable fact that, in calendar years, I'm getting older. Also, unless I somehow end up with women 20 years younger than me, it'd seem like that potential (possibly mythical) perfect match is going to want to be having children soon. I want one or two of those things -- and perhaps I'd be more upset about the passage of time were my role models not largely academics who had children when they were in their late 30s or early 40s -- but that spells a fairly major commitment. I wouldn't want to rush in to anything like that...don't want to mess that up. I know that there are no guarantees, but that's little consolation to someone who's already been through the ringer. Right now I'm seeing love -- and I am, indeed, questioning if I even know what that is -- as something at least as destructive and negative as it is good.

To be frank, after a decade and a half in a largely intimacy-free marriage (the net effect being to neuter me during my later 20s and my 30s, years that're gone forever), I don't know that finding myself in a serious, long-term relationship is anything even close to the right thing for me. On the other hand, I've never dated, for real, and the thought not only scares me but generally sounds very unappealing. If I ever do meet anyone, I highly suspect that it'll be through means other than dating...supermarket, airplane ride, or whatever, more than likely.

So that kinda leads me to what I keep coming back to: just sticking to myself indefinitely. After all, I bottled up and suppressed all that passion, romantic stuff, and love all those too-many years, and sublimating it into my work did wonders for my career. Now that I've all but walked on (nay, almost derailed entirely) my career that I worked so hard and so long to secure....well, maybe I should just console myself to being forever alone in a romantic sense. I'm not being melodramatic here: for some reason, some cosmic irony, despite my early attraction to girls and vast reserves of passion I never had a real girlfriend and was alone in any related way until my early 20s. So this Solitary Man archetype is hardly new to me. And being essentially intimacy free, in a romantic relationship, has marked almost my entire life thus far.

If you're still with me, this is the real thing about it all: a big part of my ambivalence (well, conflict, I guess) is because I don't want to sacrifice my freedom and I don't want to be constantly criticized. Been there, done that. Those're the last things I need now, and probably ever. I've always been independent, though life with my wife basically made me highly dependent and helpless, and I value my privacy and freedom to do what I want when I want. It seems to me like it's inevitable that any relationship with a woman, even the best, is going to erode that. Actually, it seems to me like I'd be an inflexible cad if I resisted any compromise in that respect. Of course, part of my freedom in this hypothetical Near-Ideal Relationship would be freedom to appear very un-free because we'd be such a good match that we'd spend a lot of time together. But, still...

As for the criticism, I got tired of being nagged and tired of being put down, treated like a child, and tired of being criticized for every little (usually stupid, petty) thing. Especially when, as was often the case, the basis of said criticism was invalid. That I had bigger things on my mind, like completing degrees and a lot of other stuff, didn't help much. I still get a bit of that from others close to me, and I'm tolerating it less and less fully. If there's any indication that I've grown older, perhaps it's a diminishing of my patience for petty garbage that wastes my time and energy. I'm definitely less tolerant in that respect. If I live alone in perpetuity, I'm pretty well set up to eventually become a classic curmudgeon...that actually sounds kinda fun.

Anyway, after all that I'm beginning to suspect that I'm stuck between a desire for love and all that good stuff and a complete aversion to its trappings and, just maybe, some of the emotional commitment. Of course, it's possibly significant that I recently filed for divorce...though, in reality, the marriage was over long ago and, functionally, at least, I've been unmarried for years. I think I don't know what I want, or do know and the things involved are incompatible. I'm sure that, if it's right, all will be clear. How, though, can you know if it's right? You can't, right? Not 'til it's over, or at least well underway. Basically, I'm not sure that I want to or can put in the effort to correct a faltering relationship....but maybe that's just now, given my dynamic marital status at this moment and, of course, expected post-traumatic stress burnout and fatigue. Matrimony shock.

It seems like there are plenty of other DUers in a similar boat. Any words of encouragement, words of discouragement, or --if all else fails -- nude photos?

[JackDragna]

1. Here's some encouragement..

..though probably not what you expect. Being alone is probably the most underrated lifestyle in the world. Not everyone is designed to always "have someone." It's not that one is averse to other people, but I know plenty of people (myself included) for which life would simply be odd having to give much immediate time and effort to someone else. Essentially, I feel it all boils down to this: fate could conspire against you and in one day kill everyone you even remotely care about. Even if such a tragedy would occur, you could still press on if you could define your life in your own way without depending on others to make it fulfilling or interesting.

That's why I prefer living alone and don't really make much of an effort to get to know people. I'm happy with who I am. I have no need of anyone else in my life to validate my existence, to give it meaning. I have little tolerance for the viewpoint that everyone needs to have someone, if only to make social appearances. From what it sounds like, you're much the same way. Some of us are built to be as free as possible, doing things when we want to, as you put it.

Live life for yourself. See if you enjoy it. If you do, let no one dissuade you from it.

[ForrestGump]

2. Thank you. Yep, that's very much how I feel.

But I've still got that other voice, from the dude sitting on my other shoulder, that says I need some of the other, too. I'm naturally reclusive, too, to a great extent most of the time, so people who need people have always seemed to me anything but the luckiest people... :-)

Some people simply can't be alone. Not at all. Glad I'm not one of them.

Thanks...

[Kenneth ken]

3. something

anything?

All those words deserve a thoughtful, caring reply. I just don't know if I have one.

Some of what you wrote is familiar to me; some completely alien.

Even though you say your marriage has been over for a long time, it is in a different sense just coming to the end. So there is that adjustment. You're ready to move on, but not sure where you want to move on "to."

I think let yourself simply move on and then see where you're moving on "to" - there is no real need to pick whether your life going forward will or will not include an other. Moving through the day to day is enough. It will lead you into contact with however many people it does; if you encounter some one who appeals, you can pause and investigate the strength of the appeal.

I am going to guess that while you were married, you met a number of women who you found appealing in one way or another, but didn't pursue simply because you were married. Give that idea some thought; how many were there, that will give you a sense of how many there will be. You don't have to marry, bed or even have coffee with all of them. But now you DO have the freedom to choose to do so, when you want.*

My own perspective is that for me dating and trying to have a relationship was always more work than reward. It seemed that nothing I ever learned in one relationship was applicable to any subsequent one. That Joe Jackson line applies to me:
Time to admit, what you call defeat
Cause there's women running past you now, and you just drag your feet.

Sometimes, I miss the sex, and even more rarely I think it would be nice to have some one to cuddle with, but I never miss the stress and aggravation.

I'm not curmudgeonly; I have people over from time to time, and other times I go to visit people. But I decide when I will have guests, and I decide if I will accept an invitation. I never get dragged to places I would rather not be.

Best I can offer is don't put pressure on yourself to make a with or without forever choice. Open yourself to being surprised by life.

:hug:

I suspect you'll be fine, it's just an unusual newness you're feeling.

* obviously the woman has to be willing to accommodate your choice too.

[ForrestGump]

6. That feels right, too...moving on, but with no particular destination

in mind,

Very much the story of my larger life now, for the first time in some ways ('big picture' ways). Definitely in no hurry to 'find' someone -- certainly not looking for Ms Goodbar, that sounds like the epitome of a doomed enterprise -- even though now and then (about every six minutes) I encounter a bodacious woman and am moved to peak unto myself "whoa." This makes me, by definitions opined lately here, a sexist of some stripe, I guess. No matter, yep, while I was married I had several unmistakable opportunities (including one that was courtesy of an extremely aggressive woman who painted vivid pictures of what she'd do) and I've typically been so oblivious to feminine interest that the number may have been greater than I know. Thanks. Kind of comforting to think of that. As much as I don't mind -- sometimes prefer -- to isolate for long periods of time, I'd hate to think that this was it for me, in terms of more-than-friends relationships with women. I mean, I was already behind in all that, so maybe I'm just getting started. Someone told me that I've got a lot to give to the right person, and I'd like to see if they were right about that.

I'm oddly glad to hear that dating is as unpleasant as I've imagined, and been told by dating veterans. :-) Kinda makes me feel better about just going about my life and seeing what falls into and out of place. And, yeah, I'd like a break from certain demands and always waiting, waiting, waiting for my wife....wasting time, and so much more.

Sex? What's that? I've heard of it, I think, long ago...

Danke, kamerad!

[ForrestGump]

7. That feels right, too...moving on, but with no particular destination

in mind,

Very much the story of my larger life now, for the first time in some ways ('big picture' ways). Definitely in no hurry to 'find' someone -- certainly not looking for Ms Goodbar, that sounds like the epitome of a doomed enterprise -- even though now and then (about every six minutes) I encounter a bodacious woman and am moved to peak unto myself "whoa." This makes me, by definitions opined lately here, a sexist of some stripe, I guess. No matter, yep, while I was married I had several unmistakable opportunities (including one that was courtesy of an extremely aggressive woman who painted vivid pictures of what she'd do) and I've typically been so oblivious to feminine interest that the number may have been greater than I know. Thanks. Kind of comforting to think of that. As much as I don't mind -- sometimes prefer -- to isolate for long periods of time, I'd hate to think that this was it for me, in terms of more-than-friends relationships with women. I mean, I was already behind in all that, so maybe I'm just getting started. Someone told me that I've got a lot to give to the right person, and I'd like to see if they were right about that.

I'm oddly glad to hear that dating is as unpleasant as I've imagined, and been told by dating veterans. :-) Kinda makes me feel better about just going about my life and seeing what falls into and out of place. And, yeah, I'd like a break from certain demands and always waiting, waiting, waiting for my wife....wasting time, and so much more.

Sex? What's that? I've heard of it, I think, long ago...

Danke, kamerad!

[supernova]

4. OK, here goes,

I can relate. Let's start with the fact that we're both INTJ. I'm delving into pop psychology just finding something in common.

Part of your note is simply divorce talking. Been there, done that. And it ain't pretty, so just go with it for now. You had a bad relationship and you are working through your reaction to that. I had long periods where I imagined all sorts of horribly, slow and painful deaths for my ex beloved. It was deeply satsifying.

I had a nice long aversion to the larger sex thank to my ex: Screaming matches, nagging, constant criticism that I later came to realize (through much study and reflection) was emotional abuse not just a bad relationship. Then I went through a phase where I wished I could have realized it at the time and ended it earlier. I too wanted my youth back. I had to learn to forgive myself. And you will too, Forrest.

My point is, you work your way through differnt phases of healing. As soon as you figure out one point, another puzzle takes it's place. After doing this for a while, you will gain some perspective about your past relationships (married or not) and what was your part and what was theirs. That could take months or years, but it will be the right amount of time for you. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Try to spend this time thinking of ways to just enjoy yourself, your activities, your pursuits, people who may be interesting to you if only temporarily, and not just in a romantic sense.

If you are the person I think you are, you will eventually come to a place where you simply see people as individuals all trying the best that they can in this life. You will notice that some are more damaged than others. Some are much more easy about life. You will also have thought so much about the pitfalls of the past that you now avoid involvement with those that would cause you grief. You see the warning signs. You learn to trust your instincts again.

Now on to the INTJ part. I can relate to the solitary figure, though I'm solitary female. I've learned a lot about myself over the last years that I've been alone. I used to think I wanted to be one of those Irish monks in the dark ages, living in a hut by the sea and copying Roman and Greek text by candlelight. I'm satisfied and comforted by that thought.

I've actually spent enough time alone now, there are times when I'm genuinely sick of my own company. Go figure. Yet, I still struggle with how much of me to give to relationships (sister, aunt, friends, dates) and how much to reserve. It's a constant balancing act for me and one that I don't always do well. "Where have you been?" is something I hear a lot. I mostly enjoy my own company but I need intimacy too.

It would be nice to find someone to grow old with. I don't want to be one of those old ladies who died and nobody finds for a week.

What I don't have a need for is a lot of social interaction. It simply wears me out. And I've learned to just say NO to stuff I genuinely wouldn't enjoy. Incredibly freeing.

Anyway, I hope I haven't been presumptuous, just trying to say there is a path if you're willing to let yourself see it.... eventually

It's great to see you being authentic. :hug:

[ForrestGump]

8. Yes, not just both INTJ, but

both almost frighteningly good looking. :D

Your bogus journey sounds pretty similar to mine so far except that I feel like most of the negative stuff is behind me...it dragged out for a couple of years after things finally came to a head, and this is just dénoument. It's not fun, but it's so far just procedural and only her spite would change that. For most other things related, I simply don't care any more. And the prime resentment that I feel now is more practical than anything else -- that her taking complete advantaged of me, financially, when I could least afford it has left me six figures in debt and working an underpaying local job just to try to stay afloat. That sucks. The rest...the weightier personal issues and so on...well, I don't know if I've forgiven it, but I sure don't think about it or care much about it any more. It's now irrelevant. That's a good thing, right?

Though I am a bit concerned that perhaps I've taken it too far and shut down emotionally to an extent (shewt, I've been accused of that on good days, by some who wrongly think they know me). You know: not caring enough. But, yes, having been through this and what led to it has, I think, taught me much...including much to watch out for when that little Cupid slimeball tries to nail me with one of those accursed arrows.

Huh...funny bit of synchronicity: playing on my iTunes is an outtake of Elvis from his last recording session, in Graceland's Jungle Room. As I typed that last sentence, he preceded the take by saying "I get carried away very easily. Emotional sumbitch." The song was "It's Easy For You":

You may not mind that it's over
But I've got a different point of view
And even though I'm shattered
It's easy for you

I found it hard to leave them
Saddest thing I ever had to do
My problems haven't started
And it's easy for you

And so on.

Music strikes again...

Anyway -- 'scuse me...didn't mean to break into song -- I think I'm also progressed fairly well on figuring out my part in all of it. The danger is that, in my current I-don't-care mode -- I'll be dooming myself to potentially interact in the same dynamic. All indications with my other (nonromantic) relationships, though, indicate otherwise, though, so maybe that's good. I just remind myself now and then to do or not do certain things -- "be more demonstrative...sure, they should know how you feel without you saying every ten seconds, but they need to hear it, all the same." On the other hand, that kind of thing has me not being true to myself, and I'm not sure I like that. And all that justification being asked of me -- as you say: "where have you been?" I prefer not being accountable, I guess. Maybe my self is just too esoteric (no putdown of the bodacious and benevolent DUer of similar name!) or whatever, for successful union with certain people. This stuff gets confusing. Especially when the wall that I built around my heart 20 years ago, in self defense, has undoubtedly been shored up of late. That can't help but (all this stuff is too dichotomous) I'd hate to be without it. Yes, embrace your inner monk!! Somehow, though, I just can't see you as a little old lady, all alone. Well, even as a little old lady at all, for that matter. :D He's out there somewhere, the dude for you. I just hope that the SOB isn't married to the woman who's out there for me. :-(

And you're right in that this time is mine to do with as I please. I've turned my back -- for now, maybe for longer -- on career and am kind of in limbo, but I'm slowly beginning to reclaim who I was before. To some extent. I can't and don't want to turn back the hands of time (actually, if I literally could do that I'd not even hesitate) and the fact is that I've grown in many ways in the past third or so of my life. Kind of cool, actually, that I sort of get to pick and choose the best of my youth and my more recent life. Starting over from scratch is depressing, frustrating, maddening, scary, and also a golden opportunity to ensure that the best really is yet to come. Don't think twice, it's all right.

Thank you -- I know that I am far from the first to go through and feel this kind of thing, and your reassurances mean a lot to me. The line at the courthouse was very long , so lotsa folks are splitting up...to be fair, though, half of the forms carried by attorney service people were probably being filed on behalf of J-Lo and Britney.



This has been a (long...this dude apparently has issues) presentation of the Authentic ForrestGump...

[SarahB]

5. Hey there.

There's much I could say here, much of which wouldn't be for all of DU to see. However, months ago, there was someone who told me something along the lines of "it's never too late" when I was feeling lousy about the state of how my own life has evolved (and loss of my youth, etc.) because of my near 14 year relationship. While I know now that that relationship is coming to an inevitable end (and I still have to face a plethora of hostility and possessiveness within this relationship stemming from anger and mainly denial about a lot of things), somehow my gut tells me things will be okay for me. I can't even explain it, but I know it nonetheless.

I face similar and many different challenges from those in which you face, and sometimes I'm scared shitless. Scared because I've been with one man since I was practically a child. Scared because I'm not the type of person who feels like I fit in with most people and there wouldn't even be very many I'd even want to "date". Scared that the kind of man I'd want wouldn't be interested in me because I rarely seem to attract the kind of man I'm attracted to or perhaps I seem to attract men for the wrong reasons or perhaps for one reason only (if that makes any sense). Scared that I'm failing the children I have or am being to selfish to even want a better life for myself by not wanting to be married to their father. Not to mention my own need for freedom, mainly freedom for the sort of possiveness and hyperreactiveness I've had to face, or just freedom to come and go as I please and have aspects of my life (friendships, etc.) that doesn't have to always encompass the man in my life without bruising his ego.

I will say though, as perhaps knowing you in ways and on a level others here may not, your wife was a fool for not seeing and appreciating what she had in you. I know you're in pain and you have been these past months, and while there's more I could say and would like to say, I'd only say here that somehow I hope you are able to one day have the peace, happiness, and love that you truly do deserve and need in life.

:hug:

[ForrestGump]

9. I'm really happy

that you know that you and your children will be okay, especially given what appears unavoidable now. Whoever told you that it's never too late was obviously a very wise person. I know I'll be okay, no matter what, too. It's just not clear what 'okay' is going to consist of. I mean, I'd make a pretty good hermit, to cite an example from one side of the suite of possibilities. Still, I somehow doubt that I'm the first to wish that a glimpse of the future was possible.

It looks like DU is a haven for misfits, for people who just don't seem to fit in. And other assorted rascals. To borrow from Mr Kennethken, that means that there are a fair few potential matches out there for you (and the rest of us) if people who don't fit somehow fit with each other. As for attracting the wrong kind of man...well, maybe that's how things used to be but -- not only have you changed a lot these past 14 years -- if making a new start, as you will, could be distilled into one word my guess is that it'd be 'change.' What once was isn't necessarily going to be the paradigm from now on.

As for your children, everythig that I've seen so far in life suggests that the one of the worst things that you could do for them is to stay in a destructive or otherwise dysfunctional relationship and make yourself (and, ultimately -- trickle-down at its finest -- your children) miserable. That's some kind of blowback and it's exceeding ubiquity doesn't mean that it's a good thing. Not only do you deserve better life, but your children will be better off with you happy and fulfilled, no mater what other changes might have been wrought.

And, yeah, my wife was a poopyhead. :-)

Thanks, Sarah the Belle.

[Bush_Eats_Beef]

10. My suggestion is that you take the "Serendipity Test"

...watch the movie, and if you've seen it before, watch it again.

When you get to this scene:



...take note of your reaction to it. At that moment you'll know how "alone" you want to be.

I'm basically John Cusack in this movie, and that's probably more than anyone here wants to know about me and also as much as I need to share. But I know what it feels like to sit on that ice.

This will sound sort of "New Age"...and I don't intend it that way...but in my experience, if you're asking the question, you're still on the fence. We also (sometimes) want someone to give us reassurance and encouragement to go after something that we already know we want, where getting it means being vulnerable, risking hurt, etc. We do this because we've already set up a scenario for getting hurt. From this point on, it gets REALLY "New Age," so I'll drop it right here.

I think the "classic curmudgeon" is classic in old black & white movies on TCM...maybe not so classic when it's the skin you're in.

And the criticism is a big, big issue. Men do it too, but if there is one thing I would like to respectfully communicate to all members of either gender who take this yoke upon themselves: If you feel the need to criticize, correct and scold you partner, a pet might be a better choice. With time and patience, the cute new puppy WILL "go" on the newspapers. The cute new boyfriend / girlfriend will NOT. Remember Psychology 101: Criticism of others is a major "self-esteem" red flag waving above the critic. Of course, steering clear of the walking wounded puts more responsibility on people to include their mind in the "heart / groin" love screening process, and most people want love to fly in their window like a little bluebird. It doesn't work. I tried leaving my window open and all I got was flies.

:evilgrin:

There's a hell of a lot more to it than that, but none of it will make any sense until you watch Serendipity. Watch it, and then have your people call my people.

:evilgrin:

[ForrestGump]

11. Too much insight

:D

I saw Serendipity for the first time very soon after it all went to hell, but watched so many movies during that time that I can't remember details. I do remember that the film struck a definite chord with me -- I'll dig it up and take the test. Good point about the curmudgeon, too...as misanthropic as I can be, I'm not enough of a misanthrope. And I don't do gruff very well. Though I'm finding myself more and more gruff-like in response to the esteemless who dare to criticize me for no good reason. Bozos.

And, yeah, I'm definitely sitting on that fence. It's hurting my behind. I guess the good news about going for it is that all I really have to do is to remain open, and that's it. I mean, the alternate tack -- wookin' pa nub -- is fruitless and being determined to be a hermit is at least as counterproductive. Those pesky Budhists have got it right again -- the Middle Path is the only way. Well, sounds good in theory, at least, but if the reality were quite that simple (and, who knows, maybe it will be) there'd be a lot more people happy with their love lives.

May the bluebird deliver you something better than flies...



Hey, an apple's a good start, at least.






Begone foul fowl!

[SOteric]

12. Remember to breathe, Forrest.

Remember to take it one day at a time.

You don't have to decide if you want a commitment if you're not currently in love. You don't have to decide today that you want a wife, 2.5 kids, dog, a garage and a picket fence.

There's time.

I know you well enough to know that if you fell head over heels in love with a woman who couldn't have children you wouldn't close her out of your life for the sake of the children you might one day want.

In addition to which, - Ms. Right might already come with kids, - medical science is amazing these days, - and one can always adopt any of the several million children on this planet who need parenting, love and nurture.

Your life is an open door, - and it's at least as frightening knowing that anyone can come in as it is knowing that anyone can walk out.

There are those of us who love you, Forrest. You'll never be truly alone as long as you have DU.

[SOteric]

13. P.S.

I saw an amazing programme last night wherein a 60+ year old woman who'd been celibate for 30 years started having quite the active social/sexual/romantic life. If age isn't a detriment for her, I can't believe it would be any kind of detriment to a hunka burnin' luv like you.

[ForrestGump]

15. Thanks...gotta remember to breath

seguehronicity, too, because I'm sorta watching bits of Waiting to Exhale for the first time...hey, I know it's a "chick flick," but I also know that, despite a pronounced lack of car chases, it's got at least one burning car 'cos I saw the clip on Oprah and...uh...I'm just digging myself in deeper here.

You're right -- plenty of time yet. Time to chill, if not kill, and the last thing I'd need or want to do is to segué right back into a long-term relationship. The other males in my family have done exactly that, going from one marriage (or long-term girlfriend) straight into another without even drawing a breath, and -- genes aside -- that's just not me. Even with being functionally single for a long time now, I'm not ready for much and I probably wouldn't be any good for the woman in question if she was a worthy person.

Not that I don't sometimes get a tugged heartstring when I see happy couples (well, seemingly happy, appearance and reality not always being one and the same) or feel regret or...well, something, though I'm not sure what...when I see some attractive woman pass by (in this part of the LA area, that's almost a constant flow, darn it). But I realize that I need to work on myself for now and just do what I want to do. Financial freedom would help, but I've always found that things tend to come along at the right time and you never can tell what's around the bend. A little while ago, I was asked if I wanted to be in a movie (no, not that kind of movie), based on my 'look,' and so that's just one of an infinite array of possibilities. If love-or-something-like-it comes by before I feel 'ready,' well, that's the nature of the beast.

Same with children -- I think I'd be a cool rocking daddy but, really, I'm not feeling any particular haste. Besides, I plan to be in great shape all the way through my 120s, at least, so I'll still be able to get rough-and-tumbled by the little munchkins. Tony Randall was a god in this respect.

Speaking of which, did you happen to get the contact details for this 60ish sex goddess? :D

Thanks, Julsy. Thou rocketh, indeed. :loveya:

[Taverner]

14. Ahhhh....this seems all too familiar

Marriage without intimacy? No respect between partners?
Sounds like you described my marriage to a 'T.' We met each other in Peace Corps, and continued to stay together when we got back home. When we first got back, she wanted to date other people before settling down. I didn't like the idea, but in hindsight I should have saw the slow train coming. Things started to chill ever so slowly...not at first, but every so often I would feel the cold lack of respect, the lack of intimacy. This began to increase just a little bit every day. For some reason, neither of us saw the warning signs and we got married. That didn't improve a thing.

We continued live in a kind of denial, the space between us freezing and forming an ice barrier. Pretty soon there was NO intimacy. None whatsoever. We tried counseling, sex therarapy - all to no avail. Then we thought, "lets have a kid." Don't get me wrong, the kid is the greatest thing that ever happened, and I love him with every ounce of my heart and soul - but let's just say having him didn't help the marriage any.

So I know where you're coming from. Most of my friends my age are either divorced, getting divorced, seeing someone else or living in emotional hell.

To top it off it always seems as if no one really gets it, or understands - and of course those that do get it don't sit around tand talk about it freely.

Too much information? Perhaps...but I feel your pain.

[ForrestGump]

16. Egad...except for the child, Peace Corps, and a couple of other things,

that's us. :o

And, yeah, I think the stats say something like 50-60% of marriages end in divorce, but it's seeming to me more like 100%. Feels like everybody's done it, doing it, or should be doing it. Add in the estimated incidence of infidelity by males and females and I'm sure you're looking at an awful lot of dysfunctional unions...maybe most of them are.

In my own family, alone -- my nuclear family as well as my soon-to-be-ex in-laws -- every person who's been married has been divorced at least once apiece. Scary. For a variety of reasons, there'd have to be a really compelling cause for me to ever get married again. I don't mean to put anyone down or rain on the parades of the recently-wed, but the very concept of marriage has just lost most of its meaning to me. Asking the government for permission to live with someone -- seems to me that that's what it boils down to in our society -- is just weird, and having so recently endured the process necessary to ask the government for a way out of a disastrous union I am even more convinced that I'll not be likely to repeat the convention of legal marriage. It makes more sense to start with "wanna jump the broom" and conclude with, if necessary, "well, I guess that's that, then...see ya 'round."

Yeah, this DU thing is a wonderful invention. I tend to internalize, bottle up, stuff...here I feel free to safely lay it out, and not just because it's anonymous -- some people here I know offline, one way or another, and the reason I feel safe and okay about it all is that they're good people. It's good to know that there's still good people around. I hope that good people populate your life, romantically and otherwise. I do know that it gets better from here, anyway...

Thanks, my doppelganger friend.