Texas Figgers of Speech

[GOPisEvil]

I got these in an e-mail from my dad. Enjoy! :-)

1. AS WELCOME AS A SKUNK AT A LAWN PARTY.
Self-explanatory.

2. TIGHTER THAN BARK ON A TREE.
Not very generous.

3. BIG HAT, NO CATTLE.
All talk and no action.

4. WE'VE HOWDIED BUT WE AIN'T SHOOK YET.
We've made a brief acquaintance but have not been formally introduced.

5. HE THINKS THE SUN CAME UP JUST TO HEAR HIM CROW.
He has a pretty high opinion of himself.

6. IT'S SO DRY THE TREES ARE BRIBIN' THE DOGS.
We really could use a little rain around here.

7. JUST BECAUSE A CHICKEN HAS WINGS DOESN'T MEAN IT CAN FLY.
Appearances can be deceptive.

8. THIS AIN'T MY FIRST RODEO.
I've been around awhile.

9. HE LOOKS LIKE THE DOG'S BEEN KEEPIN' HIM UNDER THE PORCH.
Not the most handsome of men.

10. THEY ATE SUPPER BEFORE THEY SAID GRACE.
Living in sin.

11. TIME TO PAINT YOUR BUTT WHITE AND RUN WITH THE ANTELOPE.
Stop arguing and do as you're told.

12. AS FULL OF WIND AS A CORN-EATIN' HORSE.
Rather prone to boasting.

13. YOU CAN PUT YOUR BOOTS IN THE OVEN BUT THAT DON'T MAKE THEM BISCUITS.
You can say whatever you want about something, but it doesn't change what it is.

14. WE'RE IN TALL COTTON.
Things are going really well.

[Richardo]

1. "Like a tree full of owls..."

Wide awake - couldn't sleep.

[fudge stripe cookays]

2. "Louder'n...

a three-peckered goat peein on a flat rock!"

[JayS]

3. He's got arms like a bean bag chair.

Wimp

[johnnie]

4. "Cleveland figgers of speech"

1. Huh?
What did you say?

2. 'nuther one
Can I have another beer

That's all I can think of right now.

[sus]

5. those are hilarious.

I remember a few years back, Dan Rather started ending his broadcasts with really strange Texas expressions. Finally he just went with, "Courage..."

[JayS]

6. Don't piss on my boots and tell me it's raining.

Don't lie to me.

[JayS]

7. Like tits on a bull.

Useless

[VelmaD]

8. I always heard that one as...

"tits on a boar hog". Same concept though.

[Richardo]

13. *I* heard it as: "Tits on bacon"

...which is somehow funnier. ;)

[GOPisEvil]

14. I heard "tits on a hog"...which is close to bacon...

[Speck Tater]

9. Here's one I only heard once, but it stuck with me...

"I've been to three county fairs and a gopher fuck and I ain't never seen nothin' like that!"

[Richardo]

11. Dr. Strangelove: "I been to a World's Fair, a picnic and a rodeo...

...and that's the STUPIDEST thing I ever heard come over a set of headphones."

- Slim Pickens as Major Kong.

[JayS]

10. She looks mighty fine on the radio.

Not all that pretty.

[Xithras]

12. #3 variation: All Hat, No Cattle

A poser or wannabe.

[JayS]

15. Don't s*it where you eat.

Take care of the environment.

[XNASA]

16. "I saw a dog chasin' a cat an' they was both walkin'"

Means: "It's really hot today."

[JayS]

17. Watch this swing.

Piss Off.

:) :) :)

Have a good weekend, y'all!