Help..........girlfriend has man problems and I need advice to give her!!

[Hepburn]

I have not been on this forum long, but from what I have read, there are some pretty squared away people. I am not too sure what to tell my friend of about 35 years and she asked me for advice. So here is the story and HELP if you can and it would be very, very appreciated.

My friend L is in her mid-50's. She has been in a a live-in/business relationship with a guy for about 4-1/2 years. He is in his early 60's. Everything seemed fine until about 2 weeks ago. She is sure there is another woman. This guy has NEVER strayed before - at least there have never been any indications of this. There were no gradual changes in the relationship - just - BAM - the other woman. I have talked this over with L and there is NO doubt there is another woman in my mind. My friend has a ton of money tied up in this business with this guy or I would tell her to verify that there is another woman and move on. But because of the business relationship, this is sticky. She is going to see an attorney to make sure she is protected, etc., but she is not quite sure what other info might be beneficial to make sure she knows all about what the deal is. BTW: L and her guy were like best friends when you were around them and this is really a surprise to me.

So, the issues and the questions:

*Whether she should find out who the other woman is and all info about the other woman that she can gather. (We both are wondering if money from the business is being siphoned off and if the other woman may have a business or employment that would aid in this. IMO, might be good information for the atty.) Are there any good methods for finding this out that do not cost an arm and a leg? Her money is tied up in their business and if she moves she will need what she has available. She may be a bit strapped on this and I sure cannot help her.

*L is mad and wants to confront the other woman. I think this is a very bad idea for many reasons. But basically she is at a point of wanting revenge. I don't know what to say to her about this other than, "Not a good idea." Got any ideas of how to deal with this issue. (She is going to a counselor, but this is a fresh wound and the pain if obviously there and she is angrier/hurt than I have EVER seen her.) I also told her that if she is wrong or if this is just a little bit of a stray and she wants to heal the relationship later, that this would pretty much make a bad situation worse.

*And L has thought of casually running into both of them and seeing if the other woman has a clue that she is the other woman. If L is insistent on this, I think it best that someone else who knows both of them do this and see the reaction if L is truly insistent on this "casual run-in." (IMO, she is still hoping that there might be a legit relationship there and not cheating. Basic denial at this time is what is going on here IMO. But denial is a stage of healing and if she has to "prove" it to herself, then maybe she just does. He has denied anything is going on BTW - but this was brought up really casually.)

*Anything that you can think of that would help in this situation would be very much appreciated. I have never really been in her situtaion so I really am not very helpful. I can think of what I may have done or would do, but I am not really sure.

Thanks and I hope some of you are very creative on this! I am stuck and this is my best friend of 35 years!

[gardenista]

1. Tell her to get cool, real cool.

At her age, she can't afford to lose money in this arrangement. She will need to watch her step, and avoid doing anything that would jeopardize her ability to get back all that is coming to her.

My assumption is that she wants to get the hell out. Hope she can go to a good lawyer and do everything she can to protect her assets. She should make copies of all bank statements, and get an accurate picture of the financial situation ASAP.

[Hepburn]

2. She seems to think...

...that the other woman is somehow involved in his finances - which are my friend's finances, too. I think this scares her way more than the social relationship that may be going on. I am wondering how to ck out the other woman on issues like this and I have no clue where to start or how to get her name, where she lives, where she works, if she has a business of her own, etc. Any ideas? If my friend was just in a living together relationship where there was no business involved, that is one thing, but the money thing is scary as heck.

Thanks for your advice and this is what she has been doing. But, she is very concerned and she feels like a fish out of water over this.

[Nikia]

3. I am a little confused on a couple of things

Has she seen "the other woman"? If she has seen this woman with him or if he hasn't hid that there is some kind of interaction with this woman, she should ask to meet his "aquaintance" or "friend". Of course, she has to be calm about this if he is willing to do that. She would be able to find out more about this woman that way and perhaps feel out what kind of relationship they have. Not all relationships between men and women are sexual or involve betraying the partner. She would have be calm and non accusative.
If he is hiding the relationship and she really doesn't know who this woman is, she should try to find a reasonably priced private detective if that is possible.

[Hepburn]

4. No, she has not seen the OW...

...just all the signs are there and I agree that there is someone else. This guy apparently is not too good at cheating and it is obvious. My friend is wondering if she should find out exactly who this other woman is - name, address, employment, etc. I don't think this is a "has to know" or a "revenge" issue, but she is concerned that the OW may be involved financially and not just romantically with her boyfriend. She has concerns that the business relationship she has with him - and her money - may be at jeopardy due to this.

[Spinzonner]

5. As is said, dont Get Mad, Get Even

and getting mad and doing irrational pr impulsive things can work against getting even.

She has to much at stake to risk her future for a few moments of immediate satisfaction that might complicate or compromise things later.

She should follow the legal advice to protect her assets first while he may be unaware that he has been found out - assuming her suspicions are correct - and before he takes and steps that might make things more difficult for her or that works against an investigation.

[Nay]

6. I strongly agree with spin. She needs to get a lawyer on the case

and cement her financial position BEFORE she lets the guy even get an idea that she suspects something.

Have her ask her lawyer about hiring a forensic accountant immediately to track and monitor the business accounts and "freeze" the finances ASAP so she can have a baseline to show in case of fraud later. Hopefully she is not being defrauded right this minute.

My suspicious mind thinks that the girlfriend may be behind several "front" businesses to which the boyfriend is writing big business checks. This is how he might drain the money out of the business, direct it to his new girlfriend, and then, when the money is nearly gone, he can leave your friend with a bankrupt business. He then runs off with the hidden girlfriend, who has all your friend's money in a secret account somewhere, after laundering it through a couple of banks/businesses.

[amazona]

7. ok this is something that has really impacted my family

Once you are over age 40 and female, you should never, never, never, never, did I say never go into business with a man. Breaking this rule has cost my family literally millions of dollars and now we are pathetically broke and the gigolos have it all. And the bummer is that the men who prey on older women aren't even young cuties, they are old ugly bums.

OK, now that I've got that off my chest, please tell your friend to allow her attorney (hopefully a young or middle-aged FEMALE attorney) to handle this issue. She may be able to get some of the money back. While my family was unsuccessful -- the various "husbands" (despite pre-nups forbidding it) and boyfriends simply stole and blew all the money -- my mom helped give testimony that allowed her friend who was victimized to get back most of her money, since the con artist had invested it rather than spending it.

My mom's rules are, never invest in a business with a man and never give money to a man, and before you decide to break those rules, get a check-up to make sure you aren't suffering from dementia. Your friend is too young to be suffering from Alzheimer's but it is amazing how emotions can play on us at all stages of life.

Your friend should not put herself in the wrong in any way. "Confronting" the con artist who is really with another woman -- possibly even married to another woman, as was the case with my mom's friend -- is just going to muddy the waters. If she needs proof that the con artist is in bed with this other woman, the attorney will tell her so and will recommend a private detective to get the necessary evidence. Stalking is a bad idea. Leave it to the professionals. I cannot emphasize enough how important it is for your friend to protect herself. She is too old to make another fortune if she loses this business, so she shouldn't do anything that would put her in a vulnerable position.

I will be thinking of you and your friend and keeping my fingers crossed for a good resolution. I am so sick of mature women being victimized by scumbags.

[nini]

8. "*L is mad and wants to confront the other woman"

I NEVER understand this.......... HE is the one cheating on HER..not the other chick. Yes, the other woman is slimy if she knows of your friend, but he's the one in the relationship with her, not the woman.

I would stay cool with him until I get to lawyer and get my business assets protected, after that the gloves come off and she should rip him a new one.

[Hepburn]

9. You people at DU are the greatest!

I told L about what was being said and that people took the time to help out! She was amazed that people cared and I think you all got her to listen even better than I did - and it did help her to see that people do care. Guess she has known me too long and I am there for the comfort right now more than giving her advice on how to move on.

Great advice and bless you all!! Thanks!!

[Hepburn]

10. Yep........

.....get those bank accounts and other assets all protected and then let him have it. If she does ANYTHING now, she would alert him and that is the LAST thing she needs to happen.

Frankly, I think she wants to rip both of them a new one - assuming the OW knows about her. It takes two to cheat - so I can understand how she feels. But I, too, would let him have it first and a heck of a lot more than the OW EXCEPT that I think I would probably just prove to the OW that I am the bitch that he told her I was. No win there IMO.