I'm married but still in love with someone else. Advice?

[Marnieworld]

I definitely love my husband and I am happy with him. Yet, every day it seems, I still think about my first love alot. Am I a bad person? Is this common? It's been 9 years since he was in my life and yet I still miss him. Should I just accept this as normal or is it a betrayal and I should work to force myself not to think about him? Every time I do that though I end up just dreaming about him and it begins again.

I love anonymous forums where we can share our dirty little secrets don't you? Any advice or Comments would be appreciated.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

1. What happened that he is no longer in your life and that you

married someone else?

[Marnieworld]

6. we were young

and he didn't want to commit. We never fought at all. We were best friends but since I wanted something more and he didn't we just stopped talking when we reached an impasse.

I saw him again recently at a crowded event. He came over to me and he seemed really excited to see me. I didn't recognize him at first, and then when I did he was gone because I had treated him like a stranger. I'm an idiot really. Now I keep seeing his happy face in my head amazed that I could produce that after all this time.

I of course know logically that he doesn't feel the same because if he did he wouldn't have let me go originally or made me talk to him when he saw me. That's why I did move on and fall in love with someone else. Yet despite it all I still miss him. It's a curse.

[Demonaut]

30. in love with a memory of good times, if you didnt

recognize him after 9 years

[Marnieworld]

32. I recognized him by his shoulders

he's tatooed on my brain so much that I didn't even have to look at his face. I thought that I was imagining him and I was also pretty shocked and nervous. He broke my heart and I was surprised that he would come up to me at all. I'm an idiot I should have talked to him.

[MichaelHarris]

2. are you my

ex-wife? cuz if you are I miss you also. :) In any event I do know and understand your feelings.

[Marnieworld]

9. Nope not your ex

But I appreciate your empathy though. I don't feel as weird

[MichaelHarris]

13. you shouldn't

to forget about your past is wrong. Never be ashamed of anything you did, look back and remember the fondness you had while looking towards the future. Damn I sound like Emily Post.

[Pale Blue Dot]

3. Something is missing from your marriage.

My advice would be to get yourself some counseling and figure out what it is. This is coming from someone who found out too late that there was a hell of a lot missing from my own marriage. Now, 12 years and a child later, we all have to start over again from stratch, and I m about to be single again.

There's nothing wrong with what you're feeling. I would just figure out WHY you're feeling it, that's all. Good luck! :hi:

[Marnieworld]

8. What's missing? hmmm

I guess what I miss is the laughter. No one has ever made me laugh like the guy I miss. Brilliant funny brain. My husband makes me laugh occassionally but after 7 years he kinda bores me a lot too. Anyone is boring after 7 years though.

[mac56]

4. Generally I find

there's a good reason someone becomes your "ex".

[djeseru]

5. 16 year marriage...

...and I still think of my true love, even tho' we ended up not marrying. And I still think of him as my true love. I believe that just because he's in your thoughts doesn't mean you've betrayed anything or anyone. The dreams do make it hard, at least for me, because of all the emotions your subconscious pours into them - I have even woken up crying over him because of the dreams.

*Edit for punctuation mistake...

[Tardisian]

7. Your first love...

always makes a big impact on your life. I've been married 19 years, and still occasionally think of my first...I'd ask yourself, how do you think of him? In a fantasy-sexual way, or as a dear friend that you miss? And, is your husband your friend? (Sounds like a weird question, I know, but it is relevant)

[Marnieworld]

12. how bout both

I admit that I do have occasional sexy thoughts about him (I was really attracted to him) but mostly it's that I miss my friend. We had a deep connection. We could talk about everything. IT was like he was my spiritual twin because we thought alike, liked so many of the same things, and we had just such a fun way of communicating.

My husband is the best friend I have ever had. That doesn't even begin to describe it he's been so good to me. He's so sweet, honest, and real. Hence the guilt for the thoughts.

[eyesroll]

10. I think it's common

You can't help what you feel, right? That doesn't make you a bad person.

I started dating my husband when I was 17, so I don't have the real "past love" to dwell on, but that doesn't mean I never think about other people, past and present, real and imaginary. We've also been pretty open about the whole "crush on other people" thing, especially in the last couple of years, which kind of demystifies everything and kills the jealousy reflex.

I think it becomes a problem when we dwell or fixate on one particular person, and the "what ifs" turn into the "maybe I shoulds..." Unless you and your husband have negotiated some form of non-monogamy (and since I'm assuming you haven't don't try to now -- feelings for someone else, I think, are the worst reasons to do so), the "maybe I shoulds" become relationship-killers quickly.

How long have you been married? We tend to have unrealistic expectations of marriage -- that it'll be newlywed-happy forever, that we'll never be interested in anyone else ever again.

Is there something missing from your current relationship, or your current life in general? Is this first love from a generally happy time in your life? (If you were very young, perhaps you miss the "no grown-up worries" existance of a teenager or young adult.)

I'm just playing amateur psychologist here, so please don't take what I say as gospel. But this is quite normal.

[Screaming Lord Byron]

11. Don't beat yourself up over it.

I have strong feelings for other women, but they stay in my head, un-acted upon. I don't expect my marriage to be filled with grand passion and constant romance, but I wouldn't swap the feeling of having someone who knows me well and will go through everything with me for anything.

[bushisanidiot]

14. Maybe you need closure on that relationship

did it end with a lot of unanswered questions?

[Marnieworld]

16. Yes! Closure!

It ended with many questions - questions that he wouldn't and will probably never answer. It ended without really ending. It ended with me thinking that he loved me a lot more than he admitted. It ended and I didn't want it to. I would love closure but it's not possible. Even though he came up to me at that crowded event, he didn't know what to say so he chickened out. I sent him a card with my email address and I haven't heard from him and I won't. No hope for closure. I should just take the hint and let it go but its till makes me sad. Despite all logic and reason I still miss him.

[Paradise]

15. It's an "illusion", and will disappear, eventually. n/t

[Marnieworld]

17. You're probably right

It's been so long that he's probably more my imagination than a person now.

[Paradise]

21. Yup! :) n/t

[NewJeffCT]

18. I love my wife dearly, but...

I still think about my first love (Nicole) from my college days and, on occasion, my ex-wife (Amy) as well. Of course, with my ex-wife it's just the wild premarital sex that I think about.

I'm always wondering, "What if..."

"What if I had done this or that with Nicole, how would my life have changed?"

"What if Amy hadn't gotten pregnant on the honeymoon and then lost the baby?"

I think it's pretty normal to think about & miss former loves. But, I also think people tend to look at people & events from their past with rose-colored glasses (i.e., thinking about the sex with my ex-wife, or her oversized chest or big blue eyes while I sometimes forget that she spent money like the Bush White House, did no housework despite working 1/3 the hours and making 1/4 the salary of me, rarely walked her own dog, etc.)

[mac56]

20. "Euphoric recall", they call it.

nm

[Skittles]

19. are you sure you are not yearning for a simpler time?

Perhaps something in your life is currently stressing you out and you are remembering a different time. No, you are not a bad person honey.

[2Design]

22. you are romancing the past because you want to fill a hole in you

that will NOT be filled with a romance.

Love that is lasting is deep, abiding, like kerry for teresa last night. He doesn't care if she is opinated, he loves and respects her. He is comfortable in his own skin.

You don't seem to be comfortable with yourself, if you were you would not be romancing the past.

find your passion today. What is it you want today? Not a person. It is something inside of you that wants to be romantic. Become that. Get out in the world and let go of this fantasy or it will come back and destroy you.

It is over, moveon.
with your spouse
or without

but it is not about this other person

[Marnieworld]

28. Actually my life has never been better

Financially, career wise. My husband and I have lots of fun, great sex, and romance. Our love is so deep and demonstrated that it's way beyond the honeymoon kinda love. I don't even have more than the basic stress. Maybe it's boredom. I just miss this specific person and the experience of knowing him. I've been going through this for almost 3 years. I'm waiting for it to fade away.

[bif]

23. I can totally relate.

I fell heads over heels in love wiith someone when I was in college. We were tight and it was like we were meant for each other. She ended up going away to school and I pretty much ended the relationship with her. Several years later I got married and have been for a long time. Every once in a while I wonder, what if she was the perfect mate for me? Se emailed me out of the blue and it was a total shocker. We do email each other from time to time (she's married now) and I do feel somewhat guilty. But we haven't actually spoken in probably 20 years or so. At times the memories come flooding back and I know if we ever met it would be very hard on me emotionally.

[Marnieworld]

25. Thanks for sharing this

It made me feel better. Does your wife know about the emailing? I would love to be able to have even just that.

[bif]

38. Yep.

I told her that we occasionally email. I'd feel real guilty if I didn't tell her. It would seem so sneaky. In a way, maybe you're better off not emailing. I have to admit, I had pretty much put her out of my mind. Now I think about her a lot more than I have in a long time.

[SarahB]

24. Figure this out and be honest with yourself.

Is there a chance with this other person or are you holding on to something so you don't have to think about problems within your marriage? For the first few years I was married (married 13 years now), I used to think a lot about an old boyfriend, but eventually let it go. I realize now after counseling on my own and as a couple, it was about getting married to a man nearly ten years my senior when I wasn't ready (or really in love), but I was 19, pregnant, and thought it was the right thing at the time. It was something I held onto because it was easier than facing how I really felt. How numb I felt in my marriage. Eventually, things got better for a few years and we had more kids, then the shit began to hit the fan 6&1/2 years ago when he began to make some lousy choices (and lied to me for a long time about them) that I don't want to go into. I kept trying and trying and trying, but my feelings for him died. They had to die out of self-preservation I think. I can't get them back. I've tried and tried and tried.

Last Fall, I unexpectedly began to have feelings for someone else and confessed to him that I wanted to get out of my marriage as soon as I could, not because of him but because I felt trapped and miserable. We didn't do anything physcially, but in better circumstances, we probably would have (massive chemistry). Things basically ended (still many lingering questions on my part he's not ready to handle at this point in time with me), but in the aftermath, I had to really face truths about myself and what kind of person I wanted to be. I could have just hid everything and my husband would have been none the wiser, but I have strong morals and ethics and I was ready to defy them. I can't and won't do that. I'm not built to be a liar. My feelings eventually came out to my husband about him (and over time about the other too), we went to counseling, and it turned into an angry shouting match most of the time. He still loves me and I'm breaking his heart, but I can't force myself anymore to try to feel what I don't feel.

When I began with this other person, it was just a little flirtatious thing, not knowing that we were kind of in a similar boat, only his boat was farther along as far as separating. I didn't expect to feel anything, but we realized so much of what we wanted in an another person, the other had. What we didn't see in our marriages and wanted, we saw in each other. I tried to keep it simple and not get to attached, but he began to get very emotional with me, then I gave in to my feelings. There were circumstances on his end that ended it and hurt a lot but was probably a blessing now because I had to face what I had to face without feeling as though another person responsible for breaking up my marriage- without entering another relationship as some lousy cheater. I had to get to a place where even if I was going to be alone, I had to know it was better than being married. I know that now and I'm not scared of being alone. I still have lingering feelings for this man, and suspect he does too on some level but has been hurt a lot already and has a lot going on in his own life at the moment, so whether it ever works out or not won't change what I want as far as leaving my marriage. It's over now and we both know it. It's just a matter of making it official.

I have a lot of responsibilities and life is not simple or easy, but I know that I have a lot to give the right person. I doubt much of what I said applies to you, but it feels good to write it anyway. So many of us have had feelings that you feel or have in one way or another felt similarly. My best advice is to start off with some counseling for yourself to let it out to someone. Sort through how you feel and if necessary, try to work as a couple. I take marriage very seriously and too many people flee too easily. Work. Work. Work. Give it time, then figure out what you want to do afterwords.

[Marnieworld]

27. thank you

Life is so complicated isn't it? It would be great if we could turn our feelings for people off and on like a switch. It's funny and ironic though because one of the main issues with my ex is that he didn't want to be monogamous and I couldn't understand because I am such a one man kind of woman. Now I am in love with two men. It's not like I want to leave my husband for him. I just miss him. His thoughts. His jokes. Watching him just live his life. The ideal situation would be to stay married but just have him as a secret friend. Ok I'm being totally irrational but I started this thread to just spill my guts so maybe it could lose some power over me.

[SarahB]

35. As far as the "secret friend" concept.

It's not fair to either man. If your husband loves you, it's wrong to have someone on the side, even if he isn't the kindest person (not necessarily yours, but theoretically) or has hurt you. If you couldn't be honest with him about what's going on, it wouldn't be right.

It's not fair to the other guy either (if he actually has a heart and is a sensitive person) especially if he feels something for you. How torturous would it be to love someone who was with another person?

Most of all, that's not fair to yourself. It's putting yourself in some limbo out of fear. Sounds fun, but it's not. I only dipped my toes into such waters and realized it's not for me. It's very, very hard and not right. My husband thinks it was about wanting new sexual experiences, but it isn't. If I wanted to just have sex with someone, I could do that easily. I have no problems attracting men. It was much more. Well, enough of me. I just revealed a little too much here, but I'd rather be too open than be a liar these days. At least I didn't name anyone I suppose. :D

[Marnieworld]

39. You're right! You're right!

You're right. I'm feeling guilty for just thoughts I'd feel way too guilty with actions. Recently I dented my hubby's car and I had to tell him. It was agony just hearing him talk about regular stuff before hearing about it. He was so sweet and I felt so guilty I had to tell him right away. I'd never be able to really cheat on him. But then again I haven't told him that I ran into the guy either. If he contacted me I'd have to make it official and maybe I could really have what I want which is my husband and my just-a-friend.

[jukes]

26. Marnieworld

no relationship is perfect, as no person is. there really doesn't appear to be a flaw there, nor any sin. thinking isn't doing. we all have fantasies, even w/in the closest of relationships. primates are promiscuous animals. as long as it's memories/fantasies, you're absolutely normal & cool.


if impulses begin to o'ride; there are only two honorable choices: talk it over w/ your SO, or leave.

[histohoney]

29. Romancing the past

is safer than seeing the present.
Do you still "love" him because it's safe, nothing can realy come from it?
Don't forget there is a man who would not committe to you and then there is a man who did.

[TexasBushwhacker]

31. Force yourself to not think about him?

I don't think that will work. It's kind of like saying, "I'm not going to think about pink elephants." Maybe you should look a little deeper. Do you miss what your life was like when you were with him? I think that many times we think about our first love, not because they were that great (if they were, you'd still be together, right?) but because our lives were simpler, happier and we were younger and maybe even sexier. The thing is, you're here NOW. You're who you are now, not back when you were with your first love. Heaven forbid, if something happened to your husband, that doesn't mean that you and your first love could get back together. People change and their lives change. It sounds like you just have a bad case of the grass is always greener. It might be better for you to look at what is lacking in your life now that you could maybe do something about and take off the rose colored glasses when it comes to your past.

[never cry wolf]

33. I know where you are coming from

I have been married for 20 years, not very happily at all, but I have kids and need to be there for them. I often thought of my first love, we dated off and on for 8 years starting in high school. I never met anyone else who was so alive, nor made me feel that alive. But she was abused as a child by an alcoholic father and tended to get attracted to "bad boy" types.

About two and a half years ago, my old high school won state. I went to their web site and checked the alumni section, as I had done often, looking for that one name. It redirected me to classmates.com and for the first time, there she was. I sent her an email and she replied immediately, our fisrt contact in over 22 years.

We have been emailing ever since and instant messenger nearly every day, sometimes for hours on end. We have met a few times when she comes to town to visit her mom, usually over lunch with her mom and daughter, no hanky panky.

Turns out we have led mirror lives, she too stuck with a horrible marriage for her two kids. (She ended up marrying a paranoid, jealous alcoholic whose dad has mob ties.) We are best friends, I could never have a better friend. We are soulmates, if there is such a thing, and we both now realize it. There is an amazing connection there, that will be there for life. The kids are nearly grown and out of the respective houses. After that, anything goes. It's a long and winding road...

The long and winding road
That leads to your door
Will never disappear
I've seen that road before
It always leads me here
leads me to your door.

The wild and windy night
That the rain washed away
Has left a pool of tears
Crying for the day.
Why leave me standing here?
Let me know the way.

Many times I've been alone
And many times I've cried,
Anyway you'll never know
The many ways I've tried.

But still they lead me back
To the long, winding road
You left me standing here
A long, long time ago
Don't leave me waiting here
Lead me to your door.

But still they lead me back
To the long winding road
You left me standing here
A long, long time ago (ohhh)
Don't keep me waiting here
Lead me to your door.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...

[Marnieworld]

34. the long and winding road

I have always loved that song but never paid attention to the words before. That describes my feelings perfectly. Thanks for sharing. It makes me feel validated that you too kept feelings for so long. I guess people only can get it if they've experienced it too. I wish I had his email address but spending any money or effort feels like a betrayal.

[never cry wolf]

36. As some above have said, you may need closure

However, you are in a good marriage currently. I personally had no qualms about reigniting and old relationship, as my own marriage was over in all but the legal sense years ago. I can understand your feelings and reluctance, but maybe you do need the closure.

I was lucky to have found someone at a time when I desperately needed some hope for the future, your situation is different and contacting him may gum up a good thing. This person obviously has made an impact on you that will probably never go away. It's a long road, I hope you choose the right paths.

[never cry wolf]

oops, triple post

self deleted

[never cry wolf]

37. Never had that happen before

tres weird

[mongo]

40. I've been married 3 times

So I don't know if that makes me an expert or an idiot. U am also somewhat weird as I don't follow all the "normal" sexual mores we are supposed to.

I think that you can deeply love another person, but there are some people who are our true loves (plural). The trick is finding someone who is your true love and who truly loves you.

My first wife was my true love but did not truly love me. She even treated me like shit and I didn't even care. It seems from your posts that this past love may fall into this category. (just the "true love" stuff, not the treat like shit part).

I loved (and still do) my second wife dearly. We are good friends now. I met her on the rebound from the first marriage and didn't think I would ever feel about anyone the way I felt about my first wife again. She truly loved me and I hurt her badly when I left, but I could not stay in the relationship when I did not feel this certain indescribable feeling for her. Something was missing. Perhaps this is where you are with your husband.

My third wife and I have been together for 8 years now. I truly love her and will never leave her. She truly loves me too, and I know it. I am very lucky to be with her.

This is just my take on this and I don't want to ever encourage anyone to break up their marriage. Anyway, good luck to you. Your energies may best be put into your current relationship, but that is for you do decide.