Parenting advice please.

[VLC98]

Quite a trivial problem, but I'm so indecisive I thought I'd ask for your opinions. My son will be starting 6th grade soon, in a school that he was not scheduled to go to (due to an unexpected move). He started playing the snare drum in 5th grade and was doing well, although he didn't practice voluntarily or as often as he was supposed to. We found out last week that band lessons at the new school are at 7am everyday and my sleepy son has decided that he wants to quit. I told him I thought it would be a shame as he's not involved in sports, or anything else, and his response was that band people get picked on, so that wasn't a good reason to continue. (I myself gave up violin lessons when I was his age because I thought other kids would say I was uncool, and I've often regretted it).

My question is, should I let him quit or lean on him to at least give it a try? I should add that I really don't want to get up early myself! Also, he will only be at this school for one year as my husband will be retiring from the AF and we don't plan to stay in the area. Would he be able to join the band in 7th grade at a new school if he was a bit behind? Is the early start typical in schools across the country?
Thanks!

[Ellen Forradalom]

1. I would try harder to persuade him.

Successful rock musicians like Mike Mills of R.E.M. were "band geeks" in high school. People who learn interesting skills have more fun throughout their lives. Tell him he'll soon forget the early mornings but he'll never regret learning to play the drums. Make a deal--you'll get out of bed to take him to practice if he'll keep it up.

[VLC98]

9. I like your response a lot.

Wow, how great it would be if he were to play in a rock band. I honestly don't think he's even considered that possibility because the music he's been learning is pretty stuffy. I'll mention that to him. Thanks!

[Ellen Forradalom]

22. A former colleague of mine,

a web developer, also played and toured in bands. He learned to play the drums as a kid and learned bass later. The numbers he's learning now may be stuffy, but the knowledge of music is transferrable to much cooler material.

[diddlysquat]

2. Many students begin an insturment in the 7th grade.

In my opinion, don't push this early. My son began clarinet in the 7th grade and then went on to tenor sax. In high school he was in two bands and was very successful. Those early morning before-school classes should be for those who really want to be there.

[VLC98]

10. Thanks Hawthorne.

If your son started playing the clarinet in 7th grade and did well, I imagine drumming would be much easier to accomplish.

[MrScorpio]

3. From another Air Force guy retiring soon my advice

is to have your son find a reasonable substitute

He wasn't born to play in the band. There must be something else he can do

[VLC98]

12. Hi MrScorpio.....found a civilian job yet?

I'm so scared that my hubby won't find a decent job, but he's confident he will. At least we're not set on a particular place to retire.

My son is a great kid, but unusual, you might say. He's not very co-ordinated or energetic. He likes drawing, but I don't think they have an art club at school. I will have to look into alternatives to the band, if he decides not to do it, and hope they're after school not before.

[MrScorpio]

13. I haven't found a job yet

I haven't yet begun the search I'm ou on 1 Apr 05, so I have some time.
I'm sure that with my security clearance somebody would want me

[VLC98]

17. July '05 for us.

It's somewhat up in the air because of terminal leave, permissive tdy for house hunting etc, but I definitely want to be settled by August '05 because of the kids schools. My husband has a security clearance also, are you a cop?

[MrScorpio]

18. I'm personnel, I got the clearance withthe unit I was in

I'm sticking around Langley, as I just bought a house here. Jobs are a plenty and I wouldn't want to move anywhere else (Except for Atlanta).
I figured out PTDY and terminal leave times and my last work day will be Xmas eve.

[VLC98]

21. What a great Christmas gift!

Part of the reason we don't want to stay here (Dover, DE) is the cost of houses. They've gone up incredibly since we got here two years ago, so we'd be kicking ourselves for not buying sooner. On top of that, there doesn't seem to be an abundance of jobs here anyway...so I think we'll be heading south. Hope it won't be too right wing for us!

[MrScorpio]

23. I've been to Dover only once, TDY for school

I thought it was too isolated and small for my tastes. I couldn't pick up any decent radio stations. And there was no place to go too for fun.

I take it that the area is in a swamp because the mosquitos ate me alive every night

[VLC98]

25. Funny you should mention radio stations,

that is one of my daughters biggest complaints. All she can get clearly is country and religion. Yes, Dover would be considered small and boring by most people, but I'm used to small and boring and I hate driving, so I wouldn't like big city life. As for mosquito's, they don't seem too bad this year, so far, but I was shocked by the amount and the aggressiveness of them when we first got here. I react pretty badly to bites, takes about 7-10 days for the swelling to go down and I don't even want to think about West Nile.

[Rose Siding]

4. My daughters were in orchestra and I strongly encouraged it

all the way through. They got pretty much of a free hand in choosing the second electives as a trade in later grades. Music students have an edge on grades, statistically and I always wanted it to be a low stress part of their day. As well, just anecdotally, I found lots of parental involvement.

BUT...that's awfully early and it would be a mitigating factor for me too. Some of the 'cool' quotient depends on the teacher. Have you met the one at your son's school or seen her/him around kids?

[rbnyc]

5. Offer him the garage to start a garage band...

...of 6th graders. They can play after school. He won't have to give up playing drums, he won't have to get up early, and he won't have to worry about being un-cool.

:shrug:

[clydefrand]

6. I think he could wait until he's in the

7th grade without any problems getting in the band, BUT I think you should lean on him a bit. I know that's hard on "growing boys" and on mothers who don't like early risings. This is a good time to explain to him to hold his head high and not let others decide his destiny. Kids will pick on others when they know they can win. Maybe he could get a ride with another child who will be in the class and you take turns with his/her parent to transport them. Have you told him how you regretted dropping out of violin lessons? If he should be having difficulties with math, you could tell him that music helps with understanding math as well as other subjects. I don't really know how, but it has to do with right and left brain activities. Maybe you could research the impact of music lessons on academic achievement.

[JM]

7. Band saved me...

...Then again, my family was so dysfunctional I discovered later in life that I practiced because I could play louder than my mother could yell.

Band kids get picked on until they become cool members of cool garage bands or in a jazz ensemble or something similar. In our high school, most of the folks in Jazz Ensembles were held in damn high regard, especially when someone like our piano player who was 6'7 passed on basketball.

Bottom line is kids don't know what they want to do, and it is up to the adults in their life to frame things in a positive way. Middle School is tough, and participating in a peer group is important, even if it is for one year.

JM

[LeighAnn]

8. Private instruction at your convenience until the move?

Get him a whole drum kit, in fact, so maybe he can be in a rock band someday. He can get back with the marching band when he gets to his new school. 7 am is too early, IMO. Our high school started regular classes at 7:20, but you could do extra curricular stuff starting at 6:30. Good thing there was a soda machine on every floor, taught us all what being caffeine junkies was all about (that and the bleary-eyed faculty weilding coffee mugs everywhere they went).

[shraby]

11. Have you listened to him play

to see how well he's doing? If he shows talent, by all means encourage it. If he doesn't, help him look around to see what other things might interest him. There are a lot of choices out there, one just has to use their imagination.

[VLC98]

16. Well he's better than me!

He writes with his left hand, but is right handed otherwise and I think it makes him suited to playing an instrument. His end of year report was good but I don't think they attempted anything too complicated.

[nickgutierrez]

14. Drums are cool

I might almost say I couldn't blame him for not wanting to get picked on, but who in their right minds would pick on a drummer?

:)

[VLC98]

15. Thanks for all the responses!

I was trying to respond to everyone individually, but I'm not the best typist in the world. So, I'll thank everyone for their responses in this post. I've read them all and I really appreciate the variety of advice. I'm glad I'm not the only one that thinks 7am is crazy...I thought people might think I was lazy and that's where my son gets it from!

I think it boils down to three things...me being too nice to coerce him into doing it, worrying that if I let him quit he won't put much effort into his whole life (exaggerating for effect) and being concerned that if he doesn't quit he'll be unpopular at school and thus miserable. (I have a wonderful, unpopular daughter, who dislikes school). My kids are my life and I hate to see them miserable.

[Guy Fawkes]

19. Plenty of school bands except students

with little or no experience, no matter what grade. My brother, a violist, took up trumpet his junoir year. He went off to UW for his senoir year, though, and couldn't fit any band or orchestra into his schedule.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

20. As a self-confessed sleepyhead,

I find school schedules appalling. When I was in ninth grade, I had the opportunity to take Spanish at 7:00AM, and even though I'm a language buff, I said, "Thanks, but no thanks." Having to show up at 8:00 for a badly taught civics class was bad enough.

It's okay to give the drums a miss for a year, but in the meantime, make sure your son understands that the reason other kids pick on band members is that deep down, they know that they themselves are losers.

I came to that conclusion after my tenth high school reunion, when I looked at the complete lack of accomplishments of the people who had been so mean to me in high school. I was a graduate student at an Ivy League school who had just come back from living in Japan, and they had never left our little town and were working at mindless, low-paying jobs.

It would get your son into even more trouble to express this opinion to his fellow students, but it might do him good to remind himself that the students who have strong, non-standard interests are the ones who have the inner resources to avoid following the herd into mediocrity.

You said that he likes to draw. Maybe you can find him some weekend art classes (a lot of museums have art classes for children), and maybe, if he doesn't like drums, he may like some other instrument when he returns to band in two years.

[VLC98]

24. Thanks Lydia.

I knew I could count on the wonderful people at DU to give great advice. I don't think I mentioned that I'm British and find it very hard to fit in here, which is probably why it pains me to think of my kids being rejected at school. This was about my son, but it's connected to the fact that my daughter has suffered a lot at school. She will be going into 11th grade soon and she has had a hard time for several years. She's not beautiful (and wouldn't mind me saying that), she's not good at sport or fashionable (saves me tons of money!), but she is a talented writer and artist. She was one of very few 10th graders to get a distinguished '5' on the writing portion of the state test, (must've got that from her Dad). Most importantly though, she's a lovely, open-minded person and would stand up for any underdog. Like me, she's an atheist which doesn't go down too well here. She's been treated horribly by her peers and it gets her down sometimes, but she is wise beyond her years. I'm going to show her your post as I know it will encourage her.
Thanks again!

[Redneck Socialist]

26. I'd push him a little bit.

One of my regrets is dropping out of band. I played the trumpet and honestly while I wasn't all that good I wish now that I had stuck it out longer.

Give it another shot and see if you can convince him to keep going.

[SoCalDem]

27. Let him quit... unless you want to start every day with an argument

If he is at a new school, he might fiind a whole new thing he is interested.. Let him drop it for now.. Lots of kids don;t even start into instruments until junior high..

Let him sleep :)