Brother, can you spare a POST?

[MisterP]

JERRY LEWIS: "Hello and welcome to the MisterP Telethon. We'll have glitz, interviews, and TV magic. Find it in your hearts to give, and help us reach our goal--MisterP's three-thousandth post. Operators will be standing by to take your hard-earned Christmas stocking contents--I mean posts. Our first feature will be President George W. Bush riding a tricycle."
(hooting, screeching, bell ringing, laughter)
LEWIS: "Thank you, Mr. President. And now, Tim Russert interviewing MisterP's Avatar! Remember folks, this is for a worthy cause!"
TIM RUSSERT: "Good morning, Jerry. I'm sitting through this interview thanks to bourbon, scotch, and sweet, sweet morphine. Anyhow, MisterP's Avatar is running for President against George W. Bush under the aegis of the Democratic Party."
MISTERP'S AVATAR: "Your programming is slipping, Mr. Russert."
RUSSERT: "Of course; I meant the Democrat Party. What would you bring to the national table?"
AVATAR: "Well, for one, a return to pre-neocon and -neolib politics. That is to say, I'm to the left of Francisco Franco. By constituency is anyone who's not a corporatist or in favor of dead bodies."
RUSSERT: "You do realize that'll never fly in modern America?"
AVATAR: "Of course, that's where my other characteristics come in--the power of flight, night vision, scales, elephantine weight."
RUSSERT: "Some have accused you of browbeating. Are you really a bullying fantasy creature?"
AVATAR: "I'm not a monster--and many supporters don't realize that, no matter how often I tell them. An unintentional constituency of mine--besides the well-to-do and their minions--is the butch braggart, who wants L.A., New York, and every other U.S. city over one million, Europe, and the Middle East nuked--and preferably China. If Southeast Asia or South America refuses to bend to the neocolonial yoke, they'll bend to the military yoke. They're Bush's core, but think I can do better in providing them with foreign corpses piled in the streets."
RUSSERT: "So you're really evil?"
AVATAR: "I've told you, they're delirious. They persist in thinking I'll provide this, when I am utterly abhorred by this."
RUSSERT: "So what's your past? Got any relatives cheering you on from the sidelines?"
AVATAR: "Not really, I formed from a stone egg near modern-day Singapore in around the year 1000, and acted according to the dragonish stereotype--pillaging, igniting huts (laughter)--until I met my match in the Rif Mountains of Morocco in a sorceror who turned me into a bronze statue until 1962, when the curse wore off. I observed politics, taking up residence in the posh districts near Beverly Hills. You know, Vogue has an article on me--"The Chic-est Dragon in L.A.: Den by Dior." (laughter)
RUSSERT: "Thank you, MisterP's Avatar. But before we go, we have a special guest--your governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger!"
AVATAR: "He's wearing nothing but a fur loincloth and carrying a broadsword!" (laughter)
RUSSERT: "How can we have this show without a gimmick? He's going to fight you in single combat."
GOV. SCHWARZENEGGER: (mumbles)
AVATAR: "Huh?" (laughter)
GOV. SCHWARZENEGGER: "Women!"
AVATAR: "Get away from me."
GOV. SCHWARZENEGGER: "Your chest is bigger than a coffee table!"
AVATAR: "Somebody, help! He's grabbing me!"
GOV. SCHWARZENEGGER: "It's all scaly; why do you dissapoint me so!"
(Governor is escorted off stage)
RUSSERT: "That's all the time we have. Back to you, Jerry. By the way, I'm not wearing pants."
LEWIS: "Before we turn to questions from the audience, do you have any remarks, MisterP's Avatar?"
AVATAR: "Yes, thank you, Jerry. All I have to say about Mr. Bush at the moment is--'Cocaine is a hell of a drug.'"
LEWIS: "Any questions for the participants? Remember, every post brings us closer, so help us help others."

[MisterP]

1. LEWIS: "Well, we managed to pull three thousand anyway."