How is your relationship with your parents?

[Kira]

Are there any adults out there who have fights with their parents? My parents don't like to deal with any issues. If there is a problem they are never to blame. They don't like to talk honestly about something from the past or present. Right now I haven't talked to my parents in three weeks and since we live very close to each other it is very stressful. How do you guys handle it? I don't want to make the same mistakes with my kids when they grow up. How do you ensure that you will always have a close relationship? To me always being open and honest and be willing to acknowledge that you are wrong at times is one way. What do you think?

[salvorhardin]

1. I very deliberately decided

when I was in my late teens that I would never have kids because I'm afraid I'd inflict all the same shit my parents inflicted on me.

[indepat]

2. About what you would expect when they are both in their 90s

[Lady Effingbroke]

3. I also agree with salvorhardin - no kids for me.

My parents and I have ensured a "close" relationship by almost never talking about issues upon which we disagree, that is, our conversation rarely progresses beyond "small talk" - how's the weather, how 'bout them Astros, etc. This method, however trite and pathetic, guarantees that our relationship remains cordial.

[vi5]

4. I have a close relationship with my parents...

They had me when they were young (20 and 21), and I'm 34 now. They are wonderful, caring, giving people. They are also in their own ways, headstrong and stubborn. They also have their own issues from their own parents, but thankfully all of us are aware and talk about things pretty frequently so even though we have the occasional fight, considering how often we see each other (every day for my wife and I since my mom watches are daughter while we are at work), we have surprisingly few fights. I'd say maybe 3 times a year we have a huge fight or yelling match over something. The rest of the year though we hang out regularly and discuss any number of subjects with relatively little controversy.

[Kira]

8. How do you usually resolve

these arguements? I'm always made to be the bad guy if I say something negative about them. Maybe because I am an only child the focus is just on me. I'm 37 and I know that I will always communicate with my kids and say that I am not perfect. When you have fights do they ever apologize to you? Do you ever go for a period without talking?

[vi5]

16. Well, my parents react the same way to criticism...

The fact is my parents had somewhat neglectful and in some way borderline verbally abusive parents themselves. So they have always gone out of their way to not be neglectful, and as a result often times are overbearing.

I'm lucky in that if something is bothering me about the one or I have an argument with one, we usually end up communicating through the other parent and able to discuss it with less direct emotional connection. In other words if I argue with my mom usually my dad ends up explaining her side to me and I explain mine to him. It's not necessarily the healthiest way to sort things out but it does allow us to resolve it with less conflict and hurt feelings.

[ayeshahaqqiqa]

5. My mother turned 86 this morning

and I must say that time, and aging, helps matters. That and distance. My father died in '83 and my stepfather just passed away. I went to the memorial service and my mother was so glad to see me that there was none of the bickering and down talking I grew up with.



I also have a step-son. He called his dad after he had had it with his mother, and reestablished a relationship that had been torn apart by the divorce years ago. We accepted him for who he is, and told him we were proud of him. He feels free to talk with us, but especially his dad, about just about everything. His dad has talked with him about the things he (dad) had done wrong, but more important, why he had done them. My dear husband acknowledged that some of the choices he made in the matter weren't for the best, even though his intentions were, and his son has accepted them-and him.

[Stew225]

6. I haven't had an arment with either of them since

they both died in the 80's.

[NJCher]

7. OK if we stay away from political talk

My parents and I are able to talk about most things but whenever we talk politics, they retreat to a "them/us" mentality. They are thoroughly brainwashed. They are good people but because they live in a small town in the middle of nowhere, they have no access to any media that tells them anything but the party line. The repuke party line, that is.

I've made some dents in their thinking but there's a long way to go.

But it bothers me a lot that I think that if my parents were in Nazi Germany, they wouldn't have done a thing about the rise of Hitler. They probably would have looked at the whole scene through rose-colored glasses.


Cher

[JimmyJazz]

9. Hi. What a great question. I am a grown woman with two

children and I always fight with my parents. Aside from the fact that they are Republicans, I couldn't figure out why we fought so much. Then, when I got engaged and started making wedding plans, I had an epiphany. My mother would start every sentence with "you should," - then it hit me: she still wants desperately to control me.

In hindsight, I recall as a teenager her telling me, "I don't want you to be friends with Robin." Robin was bad news and we did get into trouble, but it should have been a discussion not an order. I would have responded differently.

In defiance, I now sport a big old red star tattoo with the words "complete control" surrounding it as a reminder that I am in control, not her. As for my children, I know it doesn't have to be that way. I know when my children are adults that if I treat them as such, we will have a great relationship.

Hey, thanks for the vent. I feel much better.

[Kira]

12. thanks for sharing that!

My mom would love to control me but she knows that I am too strong for that. I never share really personal things with her because I don't feel like she ever kept my business private. She would talk about it with her friends... I have to admit I really don't like her as a person. I think she is very selfish but at the same time tries to appear that she never thinks of herself. A total martyr. I want to maintain a relationship with them for my kids.
My dad defers all matters to my mother. It's like he doesn't have a personality of his own. It's pathetic. Our relationship depends on how I act with my mom.
I guess everyone has issues. Sometimes when you get caught up in your own problems you feel like everyone else has figured it out but you.

Thanks.

[JimmyJazz]

14. Wow - we have a lot of the same problems. It's hard to sum

everything up in a short post, but a lot of what you say mirrors my life including the part about having to have a relationship with them for the kids. I don't like my mom either. Again, they are repukes and see the whole world in black and white - not a shade of gray anywhere to be found!

[Kira]

15. Yeah, it's a good thing

she hates * or that would be the last straw! LOL! That is the one thing I can talk to her about. And since that is really all I talk about lately, I guess that is one positive thing.

[The empressof all]

10. You need to try to accept them for what they are

They are not going to change and neither are you. You need to try to not take what they say so seriously. Learn the "eye-roll" and just dismiss it in your heart. It's hard at first-but eventually you begin to cut the wheat from the chaff so to speak and value the good in them. If their version of the past is different than yours-don't bring it up--You won't change their memories-they won't change yours.
They don't have to agree with you about anything. You can still do what you think is best. Try to remember you really don't need their approval.

During visits, leave before you get stressed. You are in charge of your emotions.

[Nikia]

11. I haven't talked to my parents for a few months

I don't live close to them at all. They are divorced. They had me when they were teenagers and have always expected me to be more of an adult than they are. Despite this, they, especially my mother, usually treat me as inferior. I basically have no right to opening disagree with my mother. Of course I feel bad about this. It's painful, but it is easier not to call them. I wonder why they don't call me either.
Despite all this, I plan to have children and do better than they did with me. I plan to not impose greater expectations upon them than I do myself such as yelling at them for not finding my keys which I myself could not find, not getting straight As. I plan to stay married to my husband, but regardless, I will not bad mouth him in front of the children and certainly won't say "You are just like your father. You are (add insult)." I will encourage them to think for themselves and not be hostile towards them if they disagree. I won't make them responsible for us being close. I won't tell them that they are responsible for my feelings. If I would be separated from their father in anyway, I wouldn't date or marry anyone who is abusive to them or finds them to be a nuisance. I would encourage openess and honesty.
For my parents and I, I don't know if there is really anything that I can do. Why do I have to be responsible for them?

[Kira]

13. You don't.

You sound very together and smart. You will make a great parent because you are so thoughtful.

[skygazer]

17. Mom died when I was young

I had problems with my dad for many years after that. I moved out at 17 and didn't really have anything to do with him for many years - close to 20.

But I finally realized that he is the only parent I have. I sat down one day and made a list of all the good memories I have of him and all the good qualities that he has and another list of the bad. I decided to concentrate on the good ones and that year for father's day I wrote him a letter telling him of the fond memories I have and of the things I learned from him and how much I appreciate that.

We've had a good relationship ever since. It helps that he lives 3000 miles away - we communicate by letter and e-mail mostly - but I found by simply discarding my old resentments, I was able to start fresh with him.

My kids are mostly grown (daughters 24 and 22, son 17). We have a wonderful relationship. Communication is so important - my kids always knew they could talk to me about anything. I might not be happy and I might even punish them, but I always loved them and my first concern was their well being. I never compared them to each other ("why can't you be more like your sister?") and I always embraced their individuality.

All parents make mistakes. There are always things you'll feel guilty about. When you screw up, accept it and go on. Try not to make the same mistake again.

[Kira]

18. thanks for that.

Your kids are lucky to have you.