"If you're not ready to marry me, then..."

[Jack_Dawson]

I'm going to date another guy." Well...I'm not ready to marry her. She's 36 so I understand she's "on the clock" so to speak. But then again, do I want to marry someone with a gun to my head? Gotta let her do her thing I guess...

Thanks for listening.

:beer:

[Worst Username Ever]

1. SEE YA!

Go crack another brew. Cheers!

[ChavezSpeakstheTruth]

2. you gotta let that box turtle do what she needs to.

definately not if you don't want to. Hang in :toast:

[msturgis524]

6. Man I want your job drinking in the middle of the day

[Worst Username Ever]

8. Whatever, I bet you pour it in your coffee.

:-)

[msturgis524]

9. Dude how'd you know

[Worst Username Ever]

11. Because how can you work here and not!

[msturgis524]

12. True enough

[hippiechick]

3. OMG what a shrew !

Ultimatums SO don't work.

Sorry she did that to ya but it's better you find out BEFORE you're legally stuck with her.


:hippie: <-- Is single, and not racing a clock, by the way ;)

[Stephanie]

4. It's the oldest trick in the girl book.

If you really love her then your fear of losing her will overcome your fear of getting married. It works! If you don't really love her then it won't work. You might not know how you feel until after she's gone.

[Stephanie]

17. p.s., it worked on my brother and on one of my good friends

My friend Jeff did NOT want to get married, but after she left him he changed his mind fast, really suffered, and then went to great lengths to get her back. Now they're very happy.

[liontamer]

5. could be worse

you could be ready to marry her, and have her want to marry someone else

[RubyDuby in GA]

7. Sorry dude

but I was on the other end of that spectrum. 'Was' because he's no longer around and I've never been happier. I can see it from both sides though. Female - shit or get off the pot. Male - why by the cow....

On edit: I do think 5 and a half years is long enough (in my case) to figure out if you are right for one another. My clock is ticking and I've got no time for someone who can't balance their own checkbook.

[MissMillie]

10. No you don't

want to marry someone w/ a gun to your head.

On the other hand... don't say "I'm not ready" and then expect her to let you move in.

My ex did that after 3 years of being together. Seems that I was his perfect meal ticket to get out of his parents house (something he has yet to do, even 5 years later).

I have no time for anyone who isn't "ready" for marriage. They may not be ready to marry *me* but if they're not ready at all.... don't waste my time and energy.

Yeah that may sound severe, but I'm sick of giving years of my life to guys who just can't (or won't) commit.

[Blue_Tires]

13. playas gonna PLAY!!

better to find that out now rather than later

[HEyHEY]

14. Tell her you'll marry her but you still aren't exclusive

[SarahB]

15. Geesh!

No pressure there, huh? What are you supposed to do in a situation like that anyway? A good reason to date a woman in her 30's who already has kids and is in no hurry because of that. Just in theory anyway. Frequently I view already being a mom and being almost single again as a minus, but then again, I probably have a good ten years left to have children if I ever wanted to again without being in any particular emotional hurry. So maybe that's a plus.

[sysoprock]

16. Keep that pimp hand strong, player.

keep it strong.

[Hello_Kitty]

18. I'm almost 36

And the only clock ticking is the one on my nightstand!!! Here's what I think of women who buy into the sexist corporate propaganda: :puke:

[redqueen]

19. Um

Wanting a commitment and a family is an instinctive desire, not the result of 'sexist corporate propoganda'.

[Hello_Kitty]

32. Sorry, don't think so

Mating might be somewhat instinctual but you have to admit that our society goes well out of its way to shove it down our throats. Many people are afraid of being considered a loser for not being married. You have no idea how many people wonder 'what's wrong' with me b/c I'm single and have no desire to procreate. Well, I guess I'm a deviant in your eyes too for acting against my instinctive desires. Plus, I think possibly the most dangerous myth that exists in humanity is the "maternal instinct". Far too many mothers abuse, abandon, neglect, and allow partners to rape and molest their kids for me to believe that.

[dolo amber]

49. Yeah, I dunno about all that

*instinctive* stuff either, RQ...no offense or nothin'. ;)

[RubyDuby in GA]

22. I'm 30 and I happen to want a child

I know...I know...damn me to hell.

[Bunny]

29. You, you...buyer of corporate propaganda, you!!

;)

[RapidCreek]

61. adopt one.

RC

[Xithras]

20. She obviously doesn't care anyway

If she can walk simply because you won't marry her right now, she obviously doesn't have any serious feelings for you anyway.

Wait for the woman who would follow you through the fires of hell if need be, and then only marry her if you'd be willing to do the same :)

[Jack_Dawson]

21. See...that's what I was thinking too

I think she's more about getting married than she is getting married to ME. I want to marry a chick who's whipped on me! Is that too much to ask? :beer:

[yvr girl]

35. That may be right, but perhaps not

She might just be stuck on the idea of getting married, and quite willing to move on to the next candidate. However, she might be desperately in love with you, but unwilling to sacrifice her dreams for her future. Maybe she thinks that you don't want the same things in life, and feels that she needs to let go and move on.

[RapidCreek]

66. Then that is what she should say

She shouldn't threaten to fuck someone else if she doesn't get her way.

RC

[RapidCreek]

65. Nope that is exactly what you SHOULD ask

That one remark tells me what this lady is about. She loves the idea of being married more than she loves you....and that says it all.

Her honesty about herself is not a bad thing....it is a warning about what is in store for you should you aquiesce.....she attempts to use her vagina as a bargaining tool...and there is a name for that. What's next...if she becomes your wife is she going to tell you she wants a bigger house or she's gonna hump the golf pro down at the club?

I wouldn't suggest such a thing if she said...."I can't date you any longer because we don't have similar relationship goals". That's not what she said though.

Tell her "See, ya. Good luck getting married. I'm off to look for unconditional love."

RC

[BigMcLargehuge]

80. and why marry a girl who appears to have someone on deck

just in case you stand strong? That sends up more red flags than the Politbureau on Lenin's birthday.

[Skittles]

23. get rid of her Jack

not worth it

[Jack_Dawson]

24. Please elabourate if you would,

Skittles.

Thx,

JD

[Skittles]

27. if you're not ready and she is

she needs to move on

[RapidCreek]

67. Yea...that and her method of communicating that idea...really sucks.

and in my opinion signifies similar machinations are in store for him after marriage.

RC

[Phillycat]

25. How long have you been dating?

[Jack_Dawson]

26. 9 months

[Stephanie]

28. Oh well I think she's rushing it then.

That's pushing it, IMO.

[Phillycat]

30. I certainly understand her pain, but 9 months is too soon.

Sometimes I hate guys. Not you Jack, but how the fuck can guys look into your eyes and kiss you and put their hand on the side of your face and look at you with THAT LOOK on their face, and then say, yeah but I don't want to make a commitment.

I'm just venting here Jack, I think in your situation, she is jumping the gun.

[mac56]

31. If BOTH of you don't want to commit...

you shouldn't commit. It's very simple.

If she doesn't understand that, she's got some heartache ahead of her down the road.

[Squeech]

33. The time to get married

is when you realize you can't make a major life decision without the significant other.

Earlier than that, you're just not ready.

[Jack_Dawson]

34. I'm 35 - why don't I want to get married yet?

WTF is wrong with me? Pumping out kids in tract home hell doesn't appeal to me one iota. It should by now, but it just doesn't. Oh well...

:shrug:

[Hello_Kitty]

36. Me either, but didn't you know we're going against

our 'natural instincts'? Least that's what I was scolded with earlier in the thread.

[Jack_Dawson]

37. "Pissing off NASCAR Dads I work with" - LOL!

Now THAT is funny...

[Hello_Kitty]

42. Why thank you! It's true, too. n/t

[redqueen]

44. haha

you called that a 'scolding'

:7

[yvr girl]

39. You may never want that kind of marriage

What do you want? You can choose to get married and not have kids or only have 1 or 2 of them. You can choose not to live in the suburbs. You can choose not to have a minivan. The important thing is to find someone who has the same vision as you.

I'm single, and I don't have children but most of my friends are married with kids. They all had to make adjustments when they became parents but their lives are not carbon copies of each other. When I visit some friends I leave thanking God that I'm still single. When I leave others I'm kind of wistful.

[Stephanie]

40. No man wants to get married -

But if he loves his girlfriend, and doesn't want to lose her, he will do it.

[the Princess]

51. Oh I disagree

I think a lot of men want to be married - and some do it to make their girlfriends happy (wrong wrong wrong).

If more people took the time to figure out why they want or do not want to get married - there would be less divorce. IMHO

[Phillycat]

53. That's not true.

I know several men who want to get married who aren't even IN a relationship--so it can't be about just not wanting to lose their partner.

I really don't think it has anything to do with sex (gender), on an individual level--except that our society makes it seem somehow shameful for a man to want to get married, and totally weird if a woman doesn't.

[Stephanie]

59. Well okay, not EVERY man, however

this "marry me or I'm out of here" ultimatum is a time-honored tradition and I have seen it over and over again, and I've seen it work. I don't really think there's anything wrong with it.

[Squeech]

60. I wanted to get married

the first time-- I thought (after seven years together) that we were past all the dancing around, and knowledgeable and devoted to each other.

And it was good, for a while. But eventually (ten years further down the road), she walked.

I remarried, mainly because the current Mrs. Squeech wanted to, not because I have any greater expectations for this relationship. Truth be told, after the failure of my first marriage, I have less regard for the institution, less self-esteem, and lower standards. And at the moment (granted, it's not a good moment) I'm sorry I'm married.

[RapidCreek]

68. Bullshit

One does not get married out of fear....that is not a healthy bases for marriage.

Some people want to get married and some do not....some are not sure and some are.

To say that men don't want to gey married is sexist to the extreme. Perhaps men just don't want to marry YOU. I want to get married...but I sure as hell don't need to be married to have a life long relationship with someone I love.

I love a woman who has two kids, two ex-husbands is 40 years old and lives 1300 miles away. I've held her once in the past 3 months. She is busy finishing her masters program at the moment...and I am busy getting my moms house ready to sell. She has made it rather plain that she has no intention of ever marrying again. I love her and I want to be in her life...and that is all I need. My love for her is not predicated upon being married...nor is her love for me. Maybe we will get married someday and maybe we won't....the point is I love her not a contractual agreement.

RC

[Stephanie]

70. I retracted that statement above, if you'll notice

But maybe you just felt like being insulting anyway. WRT your story, you might consider that maybe she doesn't want to marry YOU! Right back at ya!

[RapidCreek]

71. She doesn't want to marry me....or anyone else

....as I said. She didn't say she would date someone else If I desired to marry her and she didn't say she would date someone else if I didn't....and I have afforded her that same respect. That is what love is about.


You didn't redact your statement...you qualified it. You said sexual extortion is a time honored tradition woman use to get their way.

I disagree. It is a time honored tradition a minority of women use to get their way. There is a name for it...and it does not apply to all women or even a majority of the women I've met. I guess we travel in different circles.

RC

[Stephanie]

72. That is NOT what I said.

Why do you call it sexual extortion? A woman who wants marriage and children shouldn't stay with a man who does not want those things. If he says he doesn't want them she had best take him at his word and move on. Don't you think? And if he misses her enough maybe he'll change his mind about marriage. What's wrong with that?

I travel in cultural/arts/literary circles in NYC. What circles do you travel in?

[RapidCreek]

74. I call it sexual extortion because that is what it is

Let's say I wanted to marry a woman and she desired to remain in a committed relationship sans marriage. Let's say, for the sake of argument, that you've expressed interest in me at a gallery opening all three of us attended. Let's say I tell her I'm going to date you unless she marries me. Let's say I date you for a couple of months....let's say my scheme has the desired effect and my prior girlfriend changes her mind because she can't stand the idea that I'm sleeping with you. I dump you and marry my ex. Is that fair to you? Have I just used you? Have I used my desirability as a male specimen to fuck with the head of someone who I really still "love"? Yes I have on all counts. If you have to ask me what's wrong with that...well what can I say.

If I want to leave someone because I'm not getting what I feel I need out of a relationship....I leave them....I don't issue ultimatums designed to cause jealousy and use innocent bystanders as pawns in my scheme.

What circles do I travel in? Previously the same you do but in Chicago. Currently the circles I travel in are non-exclusive and global in nature.

RC

[Stephanie]

81. Hah!

LOL! Okay fine. It's horrible. Women should never do this. But they do, all the time. In all kinds of circles.

[catzies]

45. What you need is a slightly older woman who's already an empty nester

whose tubes are tied too, and owns her house. Oh, and a bonus: a basketball fan. :evilgrin:

[Jack_Dawson]

73. Hey Nowwwwww

:toast:

[ismnotwasm]

55. Nothing is wrong with you dear

Not everyone needs to be married to be happy, just not everyone needs to have children to be fufilled. If you do some soul-searching and find that you're happily unmarried why make yourself miserable? The young lady can go along and date others, because obviously she has a different idea of what works for her.

[radwriter0555]

79. NOTHING is wrong with you, she's not the one you can't live

without, that's all.

When you meet the one you can't wait to come home to, you'll know...

[Hello_Kitty]

38. OK one more b/c this topic really gets me riled up

I read on the web one guy's interesting theory on the alleged Allmighty Biological Clock that all women are supposedly bound by. He pointed out that women reach a sexual peak in their early to mid-thirties, through a combination of hormonal activity and the tendency of women to become more comfortable with their bodies and sexuality as they mature. But this uptight fundie country can't deal with sexual females and thus the phenomenon had to be transformed into a desire for babies and women had to be convinced of that. His theory sounds pretty plausible to me.

[the Princess]

46. Oh I love this post

It makes perfect sense to me. This country is still so puritanical and women being sexual creatures is still seen as a bad thing and women are still called - slut tramp whore. <sigh> Sex is a good thing - and should be enjoyed as often as possible. I won't go into my opinion of why most people get married - it always gets me in trouble. LOL

[redqueen]

48. Sorry but it seems you may be mixing up serious research with

random people's opinions on the net.

Think about it... when are women most likely to have a healthy pregnancy?

Geez... it's not rocket science.

[Hello_Kitty]

57. I admit I'm no research scientist

I just like that guy's theory. It made sense to me. Also, I read women have the healthiest pregnancies in their early to mid twenties. Biological clock-ticking tends to start later than that so that doesn't make much sense to me. If it were about the 'healthiest' babies, then I should think it would start at about age 19.

[redqueen]

63. You're right

but that's exactly the reason for the desperation, if a woman hasn't had kids by then. See?

[ismnotwasm]

62. It's ok to want kids....

But it's just as ok to NOT want them. I've met women who are really quiet about their desire to never, ever have children because of all the shit they get. Me, had both my natural kids (got 2 step also) by age 20. If I had to do it over, no kids for me, and I know I'd be happy! Don't get me wrong I love my children, all of them.

[the Princess]

41. Marriage can be a wonderful thing...........

*IF*

Both people are there because they want to be there. And you both still understand that being married does not mean you become one entity - and you still respect your spouse needing their freedom.

At least that's the way we do it. :)

Otherwise what really is the point????? Possession doesn't play well with me. LOL

[FatSlob]

43. How's Wayne?

[the Princess]

47. Wayne's WONDERFUL!

In every sense of the word! :)

[FatSlob]

50. I haven't seen him around lately. Tell him howdy for me.

Please.

[the Princess]

52. I will :)

He's probably lurking about somewhere here. LOL

[FatSlob]

54. We've missed him in the gungeon.

Thanks...I'm gone for the day. I hope to see you again.

[CO Liberal]

56. I've Been Busy Lately, FS

We lost one group member here at work to a transfer to another department, and another is out on maternity leave. I'm up to my eyeballs, if you know what I mean.

[the Princess]

58. Hi honey!

See you later sweetie pie! LOL

[CO Liberal]

75. See You Tonight, Babe

I love you. :loveya:

[Nikia]

64. It sounds like she's pushing things

If you had been together for over 2 years, she might have more of a point. On the other hand, if she believes as you have stated yourself, that you are against the idea of marriage for yourself at this point, then she might have a point. One of her goals in life obviously is to have children, going through pregnancy, with her husband. If you might not ever want to be a husband and father or at least not another 5 years or more, you are not compatible with that goal that she has.

[VOX]

69. Jack, how do you feel about not having this woman in your life?

How adamant is she about getting married? Is she really framing the issue in a black-and white manner? Is she looking for a deeper commitment from you, or is she talking about kids and the whole package right now?

If you're not there, then you're right, it's probably the best thing to let her explore her options.

How do you feel about not having this woman in your life? Your decision probably lies somewhere in the answer to that question.

Good luck... :toast:

Note: Check my avatar -- that's Steve Bilko from the 1961 Los Angeles Angels. So no, I'm not a bandwagoneer. :)

[miss_kitty]

76. well face it

you really weren't that in to her now, were you? :evilgrin:

That's something she needs to grasp, too.

[radwriter0555]

77. If you're not ready to marry her, then you're just not that into her, and

she needs to move on... and so do you.

You need to move on to the person you can't live WITHOUT.

Not a big deal.

[NashVegas]

78. Bad Idea

Sounds like she wants to be married more than she wants to marry you.