Hugs needed - my daughter has disowned me

[skygazer]

We've been discussing politics via email on which we disagree but I thought it was a pretty friendly discourse until she called me a hypocrite today. I answered back pretty snippily and she just went off. Apparently, she's had all these buried resentments from the past just waiting to come out (her sister has told me she did but she never ever would talk about them to me though i've tried to gently steer towards them).

Today they came out. She doesn't want to talk to me any more and she's talking about all the times in the past when she's been "burned" by me (which i honestly have no idea what she's talking about) and how every time we get back in contact (I wasn't aware we've been out of contact) I make her feel unappreciated and disrespected (which I don't think I have).

I wrote back apologizing but she won't reply and now I feel terrible. I need a hug bad.

[Fovea]

1. Here's a hug.

Them's kids for ya.

[meg]

2. here's one (((())))

[madmax]

3. Ack!!

Kids!!! She'll get over it. :hug:

[Poiuyt]

4. I think a telephone call or visit in person would be appropriate now

I think the fact that you two had been communicating is a good thing. But you two need a heart to heart.

:hug:

[skygazer]

8. I wish I could

She doesn't have a phone and lives 2000 miles away. I feel especially bad because her email is at work so I've gotten her upset at work which I'm sorry for.

I figure I will write her a letter tomorrow and just tell her I'm sorry she is upset, I never meant to make her feel bad and I love her very much. I refuse to let her disown me, though. She'll have to move and leave no forwarding address for that and even if she does, I'll track her down! My kids are all I've got.

[Lindsey]

5. I'm sorry....

I know how painful that whole thing must have been. I have a neighbor who has an only son that she and her husband are "not on speaking terms" with because he's a born again and they had a big blow out about the political situation. She can't believe her kid (he's grown) believes Bush's lies. She seems heart broken about the falling out. Yea, this son-of-a-bitch Bush sure has been a uniter....my God :-( Hugs to ya.

[kikiek]

6. Wow..big hug.

I am sure she doesn't mean it and will come to her senses soon. I am sorry you have fallen victim to this administrations division of our society. It has wrecked havoc on many families. Thanks again Bush.

[LDS Jock]

7. skygazer.. I'm so sorry

:grouphug: I wish I knew how to help. I don't know the specifics of your situation and fortunately haven't been in anything similar but how I wish I could help. Don't give up trying. Politics aside and whatever else might be causing problems, family is too valuable to lose. Maybe with just a bit of time to cool off she'll see she needs you too. :hug:

[skygazer]

10. The hugs and puppies help

Thanks. I knew you guys would help perk me up. I love this place. Yeah, I told her in my apology email that I was not going to talk politics any more, that nothing is worth losing my daughter over. I really thought we were doing okay with it, keeping it on an intellectual basis rather than emotional. Just goes to show you...

[rurallib]

9. Wow

I've always told my wife that we will always keep lines of communication open to our kids. But if she broke it off might take a while to repair. Don't give up. Our kids are the most important things in the world to any parent. That's why I say W will get mine out of my cold dead hands.
Here's a hug and an offer of hope. Keep throwing lifelines her way. She'll come back.
Is this complicated by a significant other who is feeding her some crap against you or something?

[skygazer]

13. Very perceptive

Her husband is a Bushbot Kansan (that's where they live, god help me) and I beleive he has influenced her greatly. The ironic thing is she instigated the political discourse and assured me on more than one occasion that she enjoys debate with people of opposing minds. So it's gradually gotten to be a routine with us and I really thought we had it under control. She may just be in a mood today, too. We've always been close - what worries me is the way the comments about the past crept in. I will not give up on her, though. She and her siblings are my life. If I have to, I will drive to Kansas and see her face to face.

[chookie]

11. ((((hug))))

Bummer. I am so sad for you. Unfortunately, I hear so many such stories of families and friends in conflict, in our bitterly divided society.

She needs to understand -- yes, we have strong disagreements on these matters, and yes, we hold our views passionately and with great conviction, but if the traditional and most fundamental ties of blood and friendship are allowed to be conquered by our differences, if mother and daughter are going to be bitterly divided, then what hope is there for the world to ever go on to see happier days? We must find ways to live with one another, and always be there for one another, or matters are indeed extremely grave....

:hug:

[Malva Zebrina]

12. Here is a big hug

I know it hurts really badly. Really badly when you reflect upon her as a child or a baby that you protected and loved her for all you were worth. It is so hurtful to a mom who has done everything she knew how to do at the time. You have known her longer than she knows you and she has no idea of the things that you have done for her as her loving Mom.

We wonder how it is that, in spite of all we did to love them as best we could, they blame us for all their unhappiness even though they may be forty years old.

I cannot remember having this attitude toward my mother, even though my childhood was not the best in the world.

more hugs-- I understand.

[skygazer]

15. Thank you

Wise words. And that picture is very soothing as well.

[sam sarrha]

14. i have one of those too, mother took him at two and i never saw him again

He thinks i abandoned him and hates me...

i am not going to explain to him about her running off with 3 whores and a drug dealer, her arrest for drugs etc etc.. I just love him and let him go. anything i do will only make it worse.

:grouphug:

[skygazer]

16. I am so very, very sorry

I can understand your pain. I let my only son go live with his worthless dad when he was 11 (because my son asked to) and my ex took him away. I've seen him once in 6 years (because his father sued me for child support though I was paying money voluntarily and I had to fly to Virginia where they live).

Luckily for me, my son had 11 years with me and so still loves me though his father does all he can to keep us apart. He refuses to let my son visit her in California and I pay so much in child support (over $600 per month) that I cannot afford to travel out there to see him. It's ironic.

I write to him every week and though i rarely hear back, when I do it is positive and he always says "I love you". He will be 17 in December.

Hugs to you. It's so hard to be a parent. :grouphug:

[Frances]

17. I have a difficult child as well

She is very sensitive and has gotten her feelings hurt even when I thought I was praising her.

Finally, in exasperation, one day, I asked her what she wanted me to say to her. Fortunately, she emailed me back and told me. Then I cut and pasted the words she had written in an email back to her. I said I was glad that she had told me what she wanted to hear. I said that I loved her and that I wanted to communicate the way she wanted.

I think there is sibling rivalry involved which sounds as though that may be true with your daughter. It is so hard to let our children know that loving one child doesn't mean that we don't love the other one!

[skygazer]

20. Yes indeed

I can't deny that my children had a turbulent life. Her dad and I divorced when she was 7 - we'd married very young and it just didn't work out though we remained (and remain) on excellent terms.

My second husband was abusive to me, physically. He was verbally abusive to my two daughters but not sexually or physically. He was never abusive to my son.

It took two years before any of that surfaced and by the time it did, I was afraid to leave him as he threatened to kill me and take the kids if I did. It took another couple of years to get away and I know it was a hard time for the kids. I'm sure that the resentments she holds are because of him, though she and her sister loved him too at first.

I don't blame her for that and I've tried to talk to her about it but she's always denied resentment. As I say, I don't blame her but I can't change the past either. I'm afraid all this has brought it to the surface. Maybe in a way that's good. maybe we can finally hash it out.

The interesting thing is my other daughter holds no blame for me. She resents her stepfather and recognizes that I was a victim too. She just channeled it differently, I guess.

[Frances]

25. My sensitve daughter has only recently begun

to let me know that she has resentment. I asked her about it for years and she always said that she didn't. She has talked with a good counsellor in the last year or two and I think that helped.

[donheld]

18. i'm so sorry

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

[Maestro]

.

[JimmyJazz]

19. this too shall pass - you love her too much not to resolve this n/t

[skygazer]

21. You bet I do

I will not give up on her. You are absolutely right. I'm a stubborn bitch!

[JimmyJazz]

22. You and I have written in the past and I always thought you were

the father - I never checked your profile. Isn't that funny (not ha,ha). You are her mother! You will work this out - I know the bond between a mother and daughter - while it can be extremely antogonistic, the desire to have the apporval of one's mother is never far behind. As both a mother and a daughter, I know these things are true. (my mom is a republican and i, obviously am not). Your love for her will overcome your political differences. Consider yourself hugged, but get back in there! PM me if you need another hug.

Donna

[Uben]

23. That's the way it goes!

My daughter (22) is currently not speaking to me, either. I just finished putting her through college at a major university, paid for everything. I furnished her an apartment, food, spending money, the works. When she graduated, I told her I would not pay for any more college that was not a graduate study. SHe got pissed and walked out of the house mad. That was in June. I have talked to her once since then, but just small talk for 10 or fifteen minutes. Her animosity still shows. I figure it's time she learned what the real world is like. She now has a job and shares an apartment with a friend of hers. I still funnel a couple of hundred bucks a month to her through her mom, but she doesn't know it 's coming from me.

She is a very sharp girl, and I expect her to go far, but I want her to do it for herself. She'll appreciate it more that way. I'm sure we will be back to talking in time, but I'm giving her some space.

Hang in there, time chills things.

[kokomo]

24. Bush has DIVIDED more families than divorce, alcohol and drugs!

I am a lone Democrat in my big Republican family, leaving the party of my youth in the mid-60's. Not a problem even during Watergate and Monicagate, as I could hold civil discussions but things surely have changed since the Bushista junta took over. I cannot even bring up politics without a heated fight.

:kick: A "uniter" my ass!

[GoddessOfGuinness]

26. I'm so sorry!

I hope she lets go of her anger soon. Family freak outs are the pits, and parent/child ones are the worst, I think.

How old is your daughter?