I'm in LOVE with a married woman...ladies...help...!

[imax2268]

so let me give you a little background...We used to date years ago...and I was to stupid to hold on to her...I know...I'm an idiot...I gave up "the one"...now I'm kicking myself in the ass for it...

She and I still talk through email...she's in Germany now...Air Force...and she's married...very married...but I can't get her out of my head...it's been three years now and I can't see myself with anyone else...I know...poor me...

But what should I do ladies...should I hope that they split up or should I just get over it and move on to something else...I meet ladies all the time but I keep comeing back to her...what should I do...?

[NamVetsWeeLass]

1. Tough one

You can accept the fact that she is Married and Secretly hope the mate Pops off sometime soon? You can accept the fact that she is married and stay in touch with her, just so she is in your life in some capacity? You could also secretly be behind a plan to send him to Amsterdam, have him be caught in the act with a hooker or one of questionable repute and take pics, send them to the lady of the house and wait for the divorce? You could just bump him off? Tough call.

[Spinzonner]

2. You might consider the Golden Rule

[imax2268]

3. no I can't do that...

none of that...I really hope that she is happy...I do...

I guess that I'm just feeling sorry for myself for letting her go...and that I should have married her first...

it's all so confusing...

[flordehinojos]

6. a good professional therapist might help you with grieving the fact that

you let her go; also with how to fill that empty in your life in positive and constructive way; and how to, hopefull, get "unstuck" and accept reality as it is now. hard work for anyone to do by themselves.

And two, (is anything that she is saying to you giving you any idea that she might too be wishing she had not gone away? A good therapist can also help you deal with that).

Love yourself :loveya: :loveya: :loveya:

Seek the help of a good counselor who can help you bring light to your confusion! :)

[lostnfound]

4. "Let go and let God" ;-) even if you aren't religious

Here's the idea: to truly savor life, in some ways you have to take it like a child, accepting the moment in all of its joys and its desires. You have a desire to get back with her. Desire is a good thing, it makes you feel alive. But don't dwell on a desire that you can't have, thinking that it has to be turned into reality somehow. Mature adults learn to tolerate and grow from inner tension rather than acting out from id all the time. In these situations, it's best to take a joyful, humble attitude towards tomorrow, and try to let go of the illusion that you could even control such thing.
Start noticing what's around you NOW.

Live with the tension and accept the pain it causes in your heart, because it's a bittersweet pain, isn't it?

More practically, if you care for her you would never want to destroy her marriage. Mentally you know that to be true but the id in you is rebelling against the necessity of accepting it as fact in your heart.

on edit: And remember that life is measured in decades, not days.

[imax2268]

5. Hey...

I sent you a private message...

Wow...did you ever say something I needed to hear...I hope that I will find that someone who will be a reason to stop this foolish fantasy of mine that she will come back to me...It's probably not going to happen anyway...

thank you...

[trigz]

7. Get on with it

Accept the fact you screwed up way back when, and move on with your life. There are thousands of great women out there. Five years ago I had a similar experience. Then some years after, along came my wife -no problemo. Never thought of the other one since.

[bhunt70]

8. I'm not a lady but...

move on, you don't want to be the reason they split up, thats an odd stigma. If they happen to break up then make your move, but until then I'd say try and move on.

[Paradise]

9. Wish I could but can't remember the exact quote.

We tend to place unrealistic value upon things we've lost!

Anyone have that quote? I believe it relates well, to your present state of mind.

[imax2268]

10. How about this...

You don't know what you got till it's gone...!

[mac56]

11. You don't miss your water

till the well's run dry.

[imax2268]

12. yea...

that's the truth there...

[Paradise]

19. Thanks, Love it but message opposite of what I'm trying to convey. :) nt

[trigz]

27. Actually, the wonderful Henrik Ibsen said:

"Owned eternally are only the defeats of the past".

(Or "Evig eies kun det tapte" if you speak Norwegian)

[mac56]

13. Not a lady, but -

there had to be a reason you let her go when you did.

One of the wisest things I was ever told: no matter how hot/attractive/desirable a person may be, someone somewhere is sick to death of their bullshit.

[miss_kitty]

14. You'll never meet anyone until you let this one go

freedom of choice-you can choose to hang on mentally to this one, who could NEVER live up to your idealisation of her, if she were to become free-or you can choose to face the fact, it won't happen, and be open to someone you could love truly deeply and who is real. If you continue to look toward her for 'love' you will not see the real thing right under your nose.

If you want to stay single-keep doing what you are doing-if not, move on
good luck

[imax2268]

15. thanks...

this will be a test for sure...I'm sure I will survive...eventually...it's just getting over her is the hard part...

[miss_kitty]

21. look for three years you've been telling yourself a couple

of counter-productive things
1) I love this (unattainable) woman
2) I am an asshat for letting her go.

you need to change the tape. Someone suggested counseling. I am a firm believer in that. It's hard to change the record when the needle is embedded in the groove.

You have a lot of questions you need to ask yourself. Then answer yourself truthfully.
Why did we break up?
Why did I like her more after we broke up, she got married and moved away?
Why am I avoiding a truly committed relationship?

The last one think about it-your commitment to someone who is unavailable allows you to tell yourself that you ARE committed to someone, when you really aren't-you are committed to a version of someone you haven't been intimately involved with in years. It's a fantasy. It's really comfy, because it's tailor-made to your needs, by you. Who could make a more perfect partner for you than-you?

So don't hold yourself out of the running anymore. By the same token, be over your old flame before you take on someone else. Don't 'settle' for someone that is not Mrs Perfect. No one is perfect and an adult relationship involving two people takes more work than just you loving the gal on the pedestal. It's way more rewarding, too. :)

[ScreamingMeemie]

16. That is an awful situation imax. I think you're mind needs to tell your

heart that this is an impossibility. :( I know that that is tough. Give yourself a little bit of time. I once thought I had missed out on something great...and then I ran into MrG again. If I had spent my life pining for someone else I would have missed the wonderful, funny, sexy as hell, giving husband and father that was right in front of my face. Things always look better from a distance. My heart goes out to you.

Laura

[LWolf]

17. Hmmm... you love her.

If you love her, you wish her happiness and are happy that she's found it. So it seems to me that the best expression of love you could engage in would be to accept it and move on. It's a greater act of love to let go than to hang on.

I'll second another poster here; the golden rule applies.

[Bunny]

18. Get over it. Move on. Leave her alone.

On edit: Married people are just off-limits, for all kinds of reasons.

[Niquie]

22. Bravo for being so blunt.

Fella, you're obsessing. I bet if this woman was available, all the fizz would suddenly evaporate.

Anyway, she has a husband and together they have investment in each other. They have history together and that is something you don't fart around with.

[pdx_prog]

20. sticky....

I have this ex GF.....started dating her when I was 15 and she was 13. We dated on and off for a couple of years, then she moved away. I seen her probably twice a year....remained good friends, and we have always cared very much for each other, and have always considered each other soulmates. We always seemed to just miss each other....I would get married, she would be available.....she would get married, I would be available. I got divorced 3 years ago, after moving across country and we started talking again. We spent a lot of time flying back and forth, and it was great. We had plans to each give up our very different lives, and meet half way (it's the "she's a little bit country, I'm a little bit rock and roll thing). After consideration, we decided that it was not what either one of us really wanted.....we desperately wanted to be together, but we just didn't know how...

I am 46 now and she is 43....this has been going on for a LONG time...

I think just about everyone has the "one that got away" syndrome....it's a part of life. If you think she feels the same, confront her NOW.....she can only say no...

[redqueen]

23. Meet more new ladies

You'll find someone to eclipse her. You won't if you keep mooning over her, though. So stop it... get out there and meet people... keep doing it until you find someone that makes her pop right out of your heart and your head.

You WILL find someone who does that... trust me on this.

[SoCalDem]

24. Um... stop the emails, and the contacts

Get on with YOUR life.. It may sound harsh, but you are intruding into HER life.. I know.. she emails you back, BUT, she's married, and if she wants OUT, it should be on her own terms , and in her own time..

We always regret things we "didn't" do, and pine about the way things "could have been".. Those longings are probably what's kept you "in her life"..

GET OUT..NOW..

If it's "meant to be", she will leave her husband on her own terms, and you will still be unattached, or in the meantime, you may yet find the one true love you think SHE was..

If it was so wonderful "back then", why did she marry the other guy??

Just taper off on the emails, if you cannot break it off suddenly.. If you are re-living your past times, and being flirty, the only thing missing from this "affair" is the sex..

If she has kids, it's an extra ugly ...just waiting to happen..


Sorry, if I overstepped...but you DID ask :)

on edit: a friend once told me this:

An unattainable lover has NO faults:)

[exJW]

25. Look deeply into your dark soul

....at the part of yourself that makes you want what you don't have.

It won't immediately solve the problem, but if you can laugh at yourself for being such a shallow covetous prick, it will eventually help replace your feelings for her with the reality.

People tend to (mis)underestimate the power of laughing at themselves (and I don't mean laughing "with" yourself, I mean "at" yourself; we really are pathetic creatures, we mortals).

[Hand]

26. Don't worry about this...

After all, you'll only be tortured, guilt-ridden, and mad with jealousy for... well, the remainder of your life, actually.

:evilgrin: