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Edited on Sun Oct-10-04 02:39 AM by CarolinaPeridot
In 1998 , I enrolled at North Carolina State University as a Political Science major with a full scholarship . I was lucky . I planned on going into the Pre-Law program at either Duke or later Harvard ... But fate another plan for my life ...
Within 5 weeks of being in college , I started to break down mentally . I had problems with my roommate . I did not know how to handle that . I was only 18 years old at the time , I was 17 years old the first day of classes ... I had book sense but God and Nature quickly let me know that I had to go through the College of Life before I did anything else .
I battled depression ever since I was 11 years old . ( Thankfully I beat it without the aid of meds ) . And slowly at the beginning of 1998 , I was beginning to lose it . I felt trapped inside of my own soul - I knew that something was not right , I remember hearing the voice inside of myself as I would walk around campus , I knew that a part of me was still alive . I did not want to be in that college . Everyday I told myself " Why did'nt I just take the music scholarships that I was offered ? " The problems that were going on at home were getting to me too ... I could not concentrate on anything . I was making A's in everything except my major . I panicked . I was burned out ... By Christmas 1998 , I lost it .
I was placed on Academic Warning that first semester . That Christmas I remember crying everyday because I did not want to go back to that dorm room : I hated that place , I hated my roommate , and I was starting to hate myself . ( I realize now that I was living for other people , something that I no longer do . )
January 1999 , I had my first nervous breakdown . I remember being in that dorm room alone , breaking down because I did not want to be there . Why did'nt I just go home ? My family made me stay . I remember calling them , asking for help . " Please help me ... " I would beg and beg ... No one would help me . By March I had my first panic attack , anxiety had taken over . The only time I felt alright was when I was sleep ... Classes , what classes ? I shunned those . I was placed on Academic Suspension after the Spring Semester ...
I went home that summer . The summer of 1999 : on the outside everything around me was good , inside , I felt like crap . I could not enjoy anything . No one in my family understood what I was going through ... I stayed in my room all day . The only time I felt good > was when I slept . I was also going through a battle of faith ... My family is Baptist . I was not Baptized as a child because my mom gave me the option to choose my own path . But again I felt as if I had to go to church to please other people ... my soul was fighting another battle ... ( BTW : I now worship Nature ... )
I had the option to write a letter of Appeal to the Appeal board at my college ... By this point I was at my lowest ... I made a pact : I said " If I am denied re-admission , I am going to kill myself ... " -I was serious ... I was at the lowest . I did not even care about living up to my 19th birthday . Life to me sucked at that point . I hated myself . I hated myself because I was not what everyone wanted me to be ...
In the meantime I found a job ... and that distracted me for a while but it did not help ...
Jump to the day that I got the letter in the mail regarding whether or not I would be let back into school . I went outside , I read the letter . " We regret to inform you that you are not being considered for re-admission for the Fall Semester of 1999 ... " . I read that in slow motion ... I looked to the left of me , laying on the grill was a silver knife - I had never seen this knife before until that moment ... Remember I said that I had made a pact that if I am not granted re-admission that I was going to commit suicide , well that was God's way of saying " Here you go CarolinaPeridot , go ahead , end it right here ... " I looked at that knife for about what seemed like forever ... I instead walked back into the house where my aunt greeted me with a hug and said " Life has something else planned for you ... " and indeed it did ...
I decided that I would just sit out of college for and get myself together mentally - Everything in October started looking good ... But on November 2 , my cousin's mom died in a car accident ... This totally changed my life ... I was completely knocked out of my depression by this point ... I said to myself " You are depressed about being kicked out of college , your cousin has lost her mom ! What is more important ? " - On this day , I remember feeling the wind again ... I felt the wind , I came back into the world again ... I really did ... My eyes were opened ... You have to live for you , you have to live for now ... I went back to what I really wanted to do : MUSIC ! I did not go to any counselors for my depression , I instead put my feelings into words and music ...
After the death of my cousin's mom , my aunt learned that she would be expecting another child . What a timing . The baby was born in May 2000 - I had never cried this much before than when I held my new cousin for the first time . I started thinking about my cousin's mom that died and this new baby - life continues , it keeps going . Whatever happens , you have to keep on going ...
In the summer of 2000 , I moved to Germany ( my estranged boyfriend is German ) where I lived for 6 months . I came back home in December 2000 because my kidneys decided they wanted to fail on me . I was in so much pain . I could barely walk or sit up at times . Thank God that my doctor caught my sickness early and with the help of anti-biotics I was able to cure my infection .
I moved back to Germany in 2001 ... A country that I never thought I would ever visit ... I believe I was sent there to learn about CarolinaPeridot ( me ) and who she really was . I think if I would have went to another country that spoke English , I would have quickly been distracted by other things . I did not speak German so I had time to learn more and take up more time with myself . My boyfriend had a keyboard , mind you I had never learned how to play the keyboard . I had nothing else to do , so I just taught myself how to play . With the grace of God , I learned quickly and well . I spent every evening working on my music ... Music , which is truly in my heart and is truly what I wanted to do . Ok so I finally learned German . I became fluent within 10 months .
One day I remember riding in the car during the summer and I remember thinking to myself " you are not depressed anymore ... " But then I suffered a set back , my boyfriend at the time became very abusive ... he really started beating the crap out of me ... 2003 was the year I will never forget . Thats the year I said : ENOUGH IS ENOUGH ! He was bringing down to a place that I did not truly need to be . I won't go into other details about that relationship . But on August 24 , 2003 , my birthday , I made a wish ... I wished that I could be " happy " . And my wish came true ... Months later , I finally broke up with my boyfriend , I was completely healthy , I found out what I really wanted to do in life ... I could play the keyboard ( something I always wanted to do ) , I could speak German - and I learned more about life ... and I don't think that I would have been able to do that if had stayed on my path like I originally planned ... Things happen for a reason ... I am now more peaceful , I am more focused ... and I know how to " smile " .
Do I still plan on going to Harvard one day ? Yep . Do I still want to do Political Science ? Yep but I finally know what want to do with my degree ; I want to be a Diplomat - I just had to first learn " why did I want to study Political Science ? " - Why did I really want to do it ? Do I still want to do music ? - Oh yes ! Am I happy ? - HELL YEAH ! - Do I regret anything that has happened in my life , not at all . I will continue to go on my life's path because it keeps getting better ...
From the fall of 2003 up to now , I have been experiencing the best time of my life , I have not felt this happy since I was a kid :)
I have been back home in the states every since May 31 , 2004 btw ...
I know I typed a lot but I wanted to share my story about how life has its on way sometimes of taking course - and coloradodem2004 , you will be alright , trust me I know - Just hang in there :)
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