Well, I was under the weather

[mac56]

And I wasn’t getting better
So I went to get a physical check
And when I went to the doc
It was a heck of a shock
He told me, boy, you are a miserable wreck
He said your liver’s all swollen
And your stomach’s got a hole in it
From drinkin' too much for too long
And there’s a good indication
You’ve got bad circulation
'Cause your blood pressure almost gone

And you got no reflexes
In your solar plexus
When I tap you on the top of your knee
He said your pulse ain’t steady
And your lungs are getting ready
To collapse every time that you breathe
And at the rate you’re goin'
All the tests are showin'
That, boy, you’ll never live to get old
But I came up with a plan
To make you healthy again
But, boy, you gotta do what you’re told
That’s when he told me:

If you dig it
Don’t do it
And if you like it, better leave it alone
And if it’s too much fun
That outta clue you, son
You’re probably doing something that wrong
And I’m surprised at you
And all the things you do, boy
'Cause that ain’t what your body is for
And if you think it's bad so far
Wait til’ after this guitar
'Cause the doctor said a whole lot more

He told me, cut out your boozing
Quit them drugs you been using
And don’t be smoking no cigarettes
And you know lovin' a stranger
Nowadays boy
Is just like playin' Russian roulette
And get the grease out your diet
Better broil it, don’t fry it
And don’t you eat no more bar-b-que
I wouldn’t tell you no lie
Take this rule and apply
Now, son, listen to what you better do
And then he told me

If you dig it
Don’t do it
And if you like it, better leave it alone
And if it’s too much fun
That outta clue you, son
You’re probably doing something that wrong
And if it’s too good to you
Well, don’t let it fool you
'Cause you’re playin' in the danger zone
And I kept waitin' and waitin'
For the man to finish
But the sucker just went on and on

And then he told me cut out all sweets
And don’t be cramping your feet
In them pointed-toe Italian shoes
And he said, boy, lookie here
You gonna damage your ears
Playin' them loud rockin' rhythm'n'blues
And if a rabbit don’t eat it
Buddy, you don’t need it
That’s the rules on your new menu
You better get you a pen
I ain’t gonna say it again
'Cause there’s a whole lot more that you need to do

You need to lose some weight
You need to stand up straight, boy
Your posture is a terrible disgrace
You need to suck in your gut
You need to tuck in your butt
You need to clear them zits up off of your face
And then he told me

If you dig it
Don’t do it
And if you like it, better leave it alone
And if it’s too much fun
That outta clue you, son
You’re probably doing something that wrong
And if it’s too good to you
Well, don’t let it fool you
'Cause you’re playin' in the danger zone
And I kept waitin' and waitin'
For the man to finish
But the sucker just went on and on and on and on and on and on....

(courtesy of Little Charlie and the Nightcats)