Considering adoption - Could anyone share an experience?

[ProfessorPlum]

My wife and I are considering adopting a child, 6-8 years of age, from the foster care system. We have three children, ages 10-3. She, especially, feels like she has more to give and would like to help a child out in this way. I'm feeling much more cautious about the prospect myself, but I would appreciate hearing about anyone's experiences, advice, etc. on the matter.

[juliagoolia]

1. familar with adoptee and adopting

I would suggest you do it. I also would suggest you keep as much of the child's history in tact for them. Remember that loads of people change over the years and this child will also not have fogotten emotional and familial ties with his/her past.

I have an open adoption with a child of a mother who is mentally ill. The child knows who her birthmother is and has a relationship with her. I am of course in control of how much of a relationship they have. Where the relationship takes place and who is present.

The children in Foster care need you. For the best insight talk to adoptees. If that is who you are planning on helping its best to talk to them about it.

[ProfessorPlum]

2. The hope of possibly helping someone out

is what is driving our decision. I am in favor of helping them maintain any and all contacts with relations, etc. I think that is a humane choice, especially for a child this age. Thank you.

[Mend]

3. Adoption

I am a very experienced child psychiatrist and would strongly advise you to have the child screened for mental, emotional, learning and other problems prior to adoption. A very high percentage of adoptees (over 70%) have moderate to severe psychiatric problems. This is probably due to a combination of nature and nuture. It is very hard to find and afford the care for affected children, getting the support of schools now is almost impossible, and you are hearing about the medication issues in the news. Unfortunately, the agencies are not always upfront about the child's problems as they want them in homes. I would recommend that you get your own independent evaluation. A child with problems can distrupt a whole family's dynamic....it can be a wonderful thing or a disaster. You need to go into this with your eyes open, not in denial and not idealizing. These kids are definitely not all Anne of Green Gables.

[ProfessorPlum]

5. Thank you for the words of caution

You've expressed some of the same concerns and doubts I have had, and we are trying to address those concerns as best we can. I am amazed at families that adopt special needs children, their generosity of time and committment. It would be wonderful to be able to do the same - but as you note we have to take into account the effects on everyone in the family.

[The empressof all]

7. Agree with Mend

You need to seriously consider the risk to your children living with you. I would personally never bring an older child in with younger children already in the home. As social service professional I have witnessed so many horror stories born from wonderful and good intentions. I was astounded particularly with the amound of sexual predation in these kids. Even the girls are not immune and they can do serious emotional and physical harm to your children. Believe me, you will most likely not get the whole story about these children before you bring them into your home. If you do decide to bring a child into your family please consider bringing in a child younger than the youngest child in your family.

[helnwhls]

10. where do you get your stats?

Please, where are the stats that prove how normal and healthy everyone is who brought up with the crotches they came out of?

But you're right....

The kid probably will be some damaged goods, second class citizen. What could be better for it than a father who checks the silverware after ever meal and tries to keep it away from his first class bio-brats? No biological child with a biological parent ever had any trouble or problems growing up.

Sign me
Anne of green FUCK YOU gables

[sandnsea]

4. oh my

If it's a child whose parents are dead or the child is absolutely completely abandoned, that would be wonderful. Still difficult, but wonderful. But a child that old, with parents who have been a part of their life, I'd be careful. Most of the time, kids love their parents no matter what they've done. They really aren't waiting to be saved by a loving family, not deep down. And sometimes CPS pushes parents out of the kid's life, it isn't a real choice the parents or kids made. And you may not be told or the information might be skewed. And you could be taking on a child who needs as much attention as your 3 kids put together. I know this sounds terribly negative, but you'd probably have a much better chance at success with all kinds of input. I really admire anybody who wants to open their heart and home the way you and your wife do.

[ProfessorPlum]

6. I think those are all sensible concerns

I have them too. Obviously, this would be something we would move towards with a lot of caution, but even with great caution you cannot always prevent bad situations from arising. We'll see how it goes.

[knowbody0]

8. I WAS FOSTER MOM FOR MANY YEARS

8 years ago 3 siblings arrived age 4,4&5.when parental rights were terminated the agency tried unsuccessfully to find adoptive parents.had i not adopted they would have been separated and no doubt in the system quagmire.
i am a single parent with 3 grown biological kids.they have absolutely enriched my life and are a blessing to our family. my kids had horrific, abusive parents, were covered with cigarette burns, were sexually abused, starved, scabies and lice infested.they were feral children.
today they are on the honor role,participate in school sports, have excellent behavior reports, on the science team, in choir. they have exceeded all expectations.
they are typical teens now with mood swings and rebellion in their eyes.they have friends,talk on the phone too much and eat non stop.the house is filled with that famous teen spirit.
we've been through good and difficult days, and many times over the years i've wondered wtf i am doing, but the overwhelming feeling is absolute love and pride. my main advice to you would be to remember not to take their acting out personally, but to set boundaries with consequences that are consistent.be aware--beware--be fair.
teaching a child to love them self is your most valuable gift.with that in mind, stuff comes natural.

[TexasBushwhacker]

9. Well I knew a teacher

He and his wife had a son and when they decided to make their family bigger they thought, well, why not be foster parents? Over the years they were foster parents for over 20 children. It takes special parents to adopt or foster. Best of luck to you.

[Arugula Latte]

11. A relative adopted an 8-yr.-old girl about 27 years ago

I am very sorry to say that she has had horrible problems. My relative regrets adopting. The girl had been abused, but not much was disclosed to the adoptees. Drug abuse, family rifts, very serious stuff ensued for years and years. They are still reeling from it and dealing with it.

On the other hand, that is just one cautionary tale. Every situation is different. I admire your wife for considering this. These kids need parents, but sometimes their problems are overwhelming.

I don't know what the solution is.

[helnwhls]

12. the adoptee is person who is being adopted

I know I am one. Adoptive parents adopt an adoptee.

I have a friend who gave birth. The boy grew up and got into all sorts of illegal activity and drugs. He called her one day and found out she had flu. He came over and cleaned out the silverware and her jewlery for drug money while she lay there too sick to stop him. Tsk, tsk. If only she had not given birth. If only she had not risked being a parent.

[helnwhls]

13. the adoptee is person who is being adopted

I know I am one. Adoptive parent adopt an adoptee.

I have a friend who gave birth. The boy grew up and got into all sorts of illegal activity and drugs. He called her one day and found out she had flu. He came over and cleaned out the silverware and her jewlery for drug money while she lay there too sick to stop him. Tsk, tsk. If only she had not given birth. If only she had not risked being a parent.