Real Life Dilberts

[Renew Deal]

I don't know if this is legit, but it's funny.
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A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest.
They were looking for people to submit quotes from their
real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are the finalists:

1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building
using individual security cards.
Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their
cards in two weeks."
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in
Redmond, WA.)

2. "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will
encounter."(Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data.
It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager,
Electric Boat Company)

4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more
important interfere with it."
(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."

6. "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been
working on it for months.
Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time
to tell them."
(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing(3M) Corp.)

7. "My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25 page proposal that only
needed corrections.
She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it.
The disk I gave her was write protected." (CIO of Dell
Computers)

8. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I
say."(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

9. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I
told my Boss, he said she died on
purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the
year. He then asked if we could change
her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me.(Shipping
executive, FTD Florists)

10. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going
to discuss it with the employees."
(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

11. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to
inform you that a memo will be issued
today regarding the memo mentioned above."(Microsoft, Legal Affairs
Division) have problems with Windows...]

12. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a
project I was working on.
I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said,"If I wanted it
tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow
to ask for it!"(New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards)

13. And finally...the WINNER!!
As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing
our company's training programs and
materials. In the body of the memo, in one of the sentences, I
mentioned the "pedagogical approach"
("in the manner of a school teacher")used by one of the training
manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the
executive committee,I was called into the HR director's office, and
told that the executive vice president wanted
me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she
wouldn't stand for perverts
(pedophiles?)working in her company. Finally, she showed me her copy of
the memo, with her demand thatI be fired
and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly
reasonable, and once he looked the word up in
his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her,
he told me not to worry. He would take care
of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us
that no words which could not be found in
the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month
later,I resigned. In accordance with company
policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from
the Sunday paper.(Taco Bell Corporation)

[EstimatedProphet]

1. Along the lines of #11

At work we once received a memo to announce that we would not be receiving any more paper memos.