I need help...

[TOhioLiberal]

If you've followed my previous posts, you know My mother was taken ill suddenly and passed away a week ago Sunday. I've appreciated the outpouring of support from all my family here on DU. I am now asking for more support.

My problem: Since my mother passed away, I've been having problems. If I find myself having fun, I feel guilty and then depressed. Some of the songs I love, I can't listen to, because they make me cry.

But what worries me the most is that I am numb; I don't know what to do.

Does anyone who has lost someone know how to deal with this?

Trek

[tjdee]

1. You're doing just what you should.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

Someone with some experience will be along soon; but sounds to me that you are dealing with this normally as you can.

Don't be too hard on yourself.

:hugs:

[helnwhls]

10. treat yourself like a plant right now

A year ago this week my father died. I still miss him. I still love him. I still cry. This is something all children deal with but that does not make it any easier.

Treat yourself like a plant. Right now just remember to drink water, feed yourself and get some sunshine. Do not make any more demands of your self than you would a house plant. Live, grow. :hug:

[TOhioLiberal]

14. Thanks thats good advice...n/t

[TOhioLiberal]

13. It is so hard...

I am at a loss. :cry:

[DrZeeLit]

2. Trek darling...

... this is NORMAL. Do you have a real live person you can sit with and talk to...all night? any time? FIND ONE! This is what true friendship is for... your friends, the people you love, this is their hour...ASK for HELP...and no one will let you down.

And of course, keep posting
Everyone will listen.
We understand. Many of us have been through what you are going through. It's hard. It takes time. Nothing will seem okay for a long time.
Still... ask your friends. You'd be there for them, this is your time now.

[TOhioLiberal]

15. Thank you...

I've debated on posting about it, I don't want to be seen as an attention sponge, ya know?

[Tandalayo_Scheisskopf]

3. Sure.

Counseling. No shit. You have been through a lot and are feeling a ton of conflicting emotions. That's tough to process and takes your strength. Think of a short term of professional counseling as borrowing the strength of someone else for a little bit, to help recharge your own. Get your feelings on this sorted out.

I did it. It helpd me a lot. It would probably help you as well.

[TOhioLiberal]

17. I hope there is some...

...free or extremely low cost counseling. I have no medical coverage.
:cry:

[XanaDUer]

4. Trekkerlass

I know how you feel. I lost my mother over 8 years ago, and there are times I still get choked up.

Take it one day at a time is all I can say.

Don't be too hard on yourself-you've been through a lot!

It will get better, but I think you will always feel sad. Your mom, I am sure, would not want you to feel guilty.

:hug:

[TOhioLiberal]

18. I appreciate the support...

...it means alot to me. :hug:

[roguevalley]

5. Honey, this is all natural. Its what is supposed to happen. If you didn't

feel something like this, then you should worry. Its unreal. A strange thing has renched your world apart and you haven't quite
taken it all in right yet. Don't worry about yourself. Grief is
a process different in all of us and right now, you sound like
you are supposed to. Let it come to you and don't worry. Hugs to
you, honey. Hugs and hugs and hugs.

[TOhioLiberal]

20. I don't know...

...if I read too much or what. In most books I've read people are crying and sad when someone dies. Nobody mentions being numb. Not having really experience in this I thought it would be similar.

[medeak]

6. you never grow up until you lose a parent

it's tough. I'm so sorry for your loss.

The mind has perfect coping mechanisms and one is going numb...give yourself time and know there are people who care and thinking of you...like me.

[TOhioLiberal]

21. Thank you...

..I appreciate the advice.

[JimmyJazz]

7. Don't beat yourself up for any emotions that you are having. Just

let yourself know that it's natural. I know this sounds strange, but on the night after my grandfather's funeral, I had an intense need to be intimate with my boyfriend. I hated myself afterward, but later read it's a normal reaction because it's affirmation of being alive.

I understand why having fun would make you feel guilty. You are going to have all sorts of emotions at this time. Please don't have expectations as to what you think you ought to feel, just reflect on the feelings you are having and take solace in the fact that whatever you are feeling is normal. They are your feelings and therefore, they are valid. You might want to stop being so hard on yourself - it's still very early in the greiving process.

Take care and know that we are thinking of you,

Donna

[TOhioLiberal]

23. Thank you...

I'm just a worrier, you know? I'll have to wake hubby up and tell him he was right...everybody mourns differently.

[JimmyJazz]

28. I'm glad you have someone there for support

Consider yourself hugged and get some rest. :)


Donna

[LisaLynne]

8. Oh, honey ...

That's the way grieving is. You don't have to feel horrible (or good) all the time. Your emotions will fluxuate. It's been soooo recent that even feeling nothing is normal. You're still adjusting to the loss. Just remember that there is no 'right' way or 'wrong' way to grieve, especially at this stage. What comes, comes.

Hang in there.

[TOhioLiberal]

25. It's a rollercoaster...

...and I want off, but I'll just have to hang on. Thanks for helping.

[Systematic Chaos]

9. First, recognize that you are grieving!

What you are describing is well within the realm of normal reactions to grief. Give yourself some time. One week is simply not enough.

If you are in any doubt whatsoever about your emotional state through this tough time, your next logical step is to contact a grief counselor, or other competent counseling service. They do exist and these are experienced people who can help you a lot.

I still think about my own mother's passing away, especially since the one year anniversary was on October 8th. In life, she drove me absolutely crazy and there were extended periods where I refused to even speak to her, but once she was gone I really felt bad because there were plenty of good memories too.

With or without some assistance I assure you that in time you will be okay. :)

[TOhioLiberal]

26. Thanks for caring...

Just knowing that people care helps so very much.

[amber dog democrat]

11. It takes time to go through it

What you are experiencing is normal and to be expected. Just don't become isolated or worried about being sad or depressed. Feelings are not negotiable. They just are.
The sadness will never go away entirely, but in time your memories will compensate.
I hope in time you will have very many happy memories and still give yourself permission to feel what you are feeling. No one goes through this in quite the same way.... its one of those things that verge on the eneffable, ( that which can't be put into words ) . Just be patient. I am sorry for your loss.

[TOhioLiberal]

29. Thanks...

sometimes I do feel isolated.

[NightTrain]

12. That happened to me when my parents died.

I lost my mom in 1994 and my dad in 1998. What you're going through now is not at all unusual. And if my experience is any indication, it'll pass. Just give yourself some time. Remember, I've been through it twice, so I may just know what I'm talking about! ;)

And feel free to PM me if you need to talk. :hug:

[TOhioLiberal]

30. Thanks NT...

I hope it passes quickly...

[Philostopher]

16. You have to remember ...

there is no 'wrong way' to feel about it. You'll go through lots of stuff -- anger that nothing could be done, grief, and yes, sometimes you'll go blank emotionally. It's okay -- sometimes, you just burn out on dealing with all the conflicting feelings, especially when the death is sudden.

Counseling is a good option -- I'd been through it the year before my father died, because my ten-year marriage was falling apart and I didn't want to take chances on dealing with that alone. I didn't go back into counseling when Dad was ill, but I used a lot of the advice from the counseling when I dealt with that.

Sometimes, checking books on grieving out at the library or buying them at bookstores can be helpful. Some of them are corny, but some also are helpful, if nothing else, at helping you feel less isolated with your grief.

Talking to a religious or spiritual counselor (separate from a psychological counselor, unless you belong to a religion that provides counseling through the church) can be helpful for some. I'm agnostic, and have been for a long time, so if really wasn't an issue for me. May not be for you, either, I don't know.

There also are grief groups -- I had a couple of good friends who'd lost a parent who helped me get through, it's good to vent and discuss these things with others who've had the experience.

Finally, if you have family to whom you're close, you may find them to be a good resource, I don't know. My mother, brother and sister and I talked on the phone a lot, got together often and talked about Dad.

And know that time will help. Don't rush yourself -- we all get through these things at our own pace. I still cry over Dad sometimes, especially around Christmas, and we lost him in 1996. I was his favorite, and I both loved and liked him a great deal. It's never really over, but eventually it fades to a point it's manageable for you. Rushing it doesn't help, though.

[TOhioLiberal]

31. Thanks nownow...

Unless I can find some free counseling, it is not going to happen. I have no insurance coverage, not on medicaid.

Not a church goer, either. If anyone has info on grief groups or support groups let me know.

[Philostopher]

42. My counseling was through the county I lived in.

You should check and see if your county has a counseling wing. I got sliding scale until the insurance kicked in, but if I hadn't had insurance or had been unemployed or on medicaid, there would have been some coverage. They might also be able to refer you to a group. Local universities sometimes provide low-cost services, or grief groups.

You might check the 'activities' section of your local newspaper, especially if they do a weekend magazine section with activities listed. I've seen grief groups -- no cost, I mean -- list meetings in my local daily in the weekender section.

Groups aren't for everybody, of course -- I'm not very social, so I don't know if discussing my feelings with a group of people I didn't know very well would have helped or not. I was fortunate to have people around me who'd dealt with something similar.

If you'd like to PM somebody just to talk, by all means PM me. I know how some of it feels.

[TOhioLiberal]

43. Thanks for the good ideas...

...not sure about the group thing either, but I'll check it out.

[Kenneth ken]

19. know this

your mother would WANT you to have fun. Life is very hard, and any time someone can find joy, even for a few moments is a precious, fleeting gift.

She would also encourage you to cry when you need to.

The roller coaster of emotional swings will eventually settle down, but it isn't healthy to try to force it to stop.

Let it all flow, and it will wash away the pain; then you will be more able to look inside your memory and your heart and find all the wisdom and love she gave to you still alive and waiting to comfort you whenever you reach for it.

:hug:

[TOhioLiberal]

32. Thank you

for the good advice. I think it is natural to want to stop grieving, because it hurts. I also know intellectually that it takes time.
:hug: thanks for caring

[Lefta Dissenter]

22. Hey, girl!

First of all, I second and third the advice for counseling.

And now my story. As you know from our pm's, my mom died of liver disease 12 years ago. I had a good friend at the time, whose mother died the same summer - hers was from a freak accident. My friend and I were going through the motions, living our lives, doing what we had to do to keep our families going, but always carrying that burden of grief.

(ok, you male folks can find a different thread here, because this is girl-talk) Well, about 2 months after our moms died, our husbands decided to take us to a Brewers game. So we were at the stadium, and my friend had to run into the bathroom on our way to our seats. She also needed a... well, a feminine product. So I gave her a tampon out of my purse, and she went into the ladies room. Well, the three of us stood there waiting, and waiting... and waiting... and waiting... and finally, I said, "I wonder what's taking her so long?" And my friend's husband said, "Well, it's not like she doesn't know how to use the thing, right?" The realization swept over me and I ran into the bathroom and called for my friend. She was in a stall, and she said, "HOW THE HELL DO YOU WORK THIS THING???" I had given her a Tampax Compact (or whatever they call them), and she had NO CLUE how to use it! Well, that did it. Suddenly the floodgates opened. We started laughing and hugging and crying and laughing some more - I think we laughed all the way through the baseball game, with tears running down our cheeks. After two months of not being able to laugh, we finally could let go, and we knew that life would be better. We STILL laugh about it when we get together!

I don't know what help this story can be for you, other than to tell you that it will get better. You will always miss your mom, but as I've said before, you will get to the point that you will be able to take such joy in seeing parts of her in yourself, and your kids, and the rest of the family - and there will be sweet sorrow, but it won't be overwhelming. I still tear up sometimes, thinking about my mom, and she'd be kicking ass right now, getting bush out of office, but I can also feel proud for carrying on her legacy.

Get some help in working through all of this - and let people take care of you. And keep reminding yourself that she is there with you in so many ways. As always, sending many hugs your way. :hug:

[TOhioLiberal]

34. That is so funny...

I'm crying and laughing at the same time...Thanks so much..:hug:

Seriously...The counseling is a problem...unless I can find some free stuff.

[bratcatinok]

51. Our regional hospital has

different group meetings and they're all free. Many hospitals will provide room and train a facilitator for grief groups as part of their community service.

A book that helped me finally go through the grieving process for my Mom and Dad is "When Bad Things Happen to Good People".

Hugs to you and I'm sorry for your loss.

[TOhioLiberal]

52. Thanks...

I'll look for that book. :hug:

[antonialee839]

24. It's the grieving process

at some point you might even get angry. I lost my grandfather
22 years ago and I still find myself crying every now and then,
and not a day goes by that I don't think about him. My father left
my mother when I was very young and we lived with my grandparents,
we were very close. So I know what you are feeling. I'm sorry for your loss. It will get better and not hurt as much down the road, but truthfully, the hurt never really goes away.

[TOhioLiberal]

35. Thanks for caring...

I appreciate it.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

27. Be patient with yourself......

Your self-observations will help you, if you step outside yourself and treat you with the same compassion that you'd treat any friend.

Crying is good, as long as you allow for laughter as well. Mourning is a time for pleasant memories as well as sorrow for the loss of the loved one. Keep in touch with your friends outside DU, as well; because :hug: is not the same as the real thing.

Every mind-numbing crisis I've experienced in my life has provided me with an opportunity and an openness for life-altering spiritual growth. You might want to dwell there for awhile. One book that I've found helpful is "On Death and Dying" by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. Here's an Amazon link that tells a little about it.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0684839385/002-4172675-9792021?v=glance

Like all who've posted here, I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, Trekkerlass...You really aren't alone.
:hug::hug::hug:

[TOhioLiberal]

36. Thank you...

its really appreciated. I'm looking into that book, it sounds helpful. :hug: right back at'cha.

[Bossy Monkey]

33. All normal. Don't worry about any of these things an iota; just give

yourself some time, all you need. If you feel numb, it's just because of the enormity of the loss. Don't worry about it a bit. Just cope as best you can and come here and vent whenever you need it.

[TOhioLiberal]

38. Thank you...

I think thats the underlying theme of everybody's posts. Time, all I need is time. Thanks for caring.

[flamingyouth]

37. Talk to people, talk to us

PM me anytime you'd like to talk. Talk to a grief counselor or visit a support group. It can really help.

Most of all, know that you have friends here. :hug::pals:

[TOhioLiberal]

39. I know...

...my family here on DU rocks! I knew that someone would respond because we all care for each other. Thanks so much for caring about someone you've never met.

[flamingyouth]

41. I don't know what I would have done without the support from DU

when my husband killed himself. People I hardly knew even on the board reached out to me, and just knowing that someone out there, even a stranger, cared enough about me to write me something nice, gave me a lot of comfort.

We have a lot of kind people here. :hug:

[TOhioLiberal]

44. I truly believe...

...that our capacity for caring differentiates us from our conservative 'friends'... :hug: thanks for caring.

[Reciprocity]

40. Hang in there.

I lost both my parents in a car crash when I was seventeen. I am now forty-six so its has been a long time . What you are feeling is normal.

I used to dream about my parents almost every night. In time that tapered off. I would wake up in the morning and my first thought would be why do I feel so tired and then I remember why. In time I could get up with out that sense of loss. Time is a friend that helps you learn to live with the pain. It will get better.

What you are doing now talking to us about what you feel is one of the best things you can do . We are here for you anytime. Try to be a good friend to yourself. If you feel like crying cry. If you feel like laughing laugh. If you feel angry (goodness knows I was) curse a blue streak. God want mind he’s heard it all before. It is no crime to be glad your alive. Be patient with yourself.

In the end I just pretend that they are away on a long trip and don’t call or write. I still see them sometimes in my dreams and feel them in my heart and it doesn’t hurt a bit.

[TOhioLiberal]

46. I dream about her a lot...

...sometimes its comforting, sometimes it hurts. Thanks for caring. :hug:

[Reciprocity]

48. See your not mental, your normal.

This is something you don’t get over but get through . You may think you are losing it . That’s normal too even if you think you hear them talking in another room and go in there just to make sure . It’s normal for your sleeping patterns to be disrupted. Your concentration to be nonexistent. To eat nothing and everything . To be afraid of living and dieing.Sometimes just to be afraid and you don't know why. There may be times you feel stuck in the mud moving neither forward or back. In time this will sort itself out and you will be stronger for it.

"The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it."
-W. M. Lewis

[2Design]

45. wow lots of good advice and experience, strength, and hope already

Someone dying is tough.
My mom
My brother

Everyone deals with it differently
Some cry all the time
some wait a year before they react

Me - I am a crier

about counseling - not sure if it helps or not
talking to people helps
strangers are great for this since you will be repeating yourself a lot
friends and others have heard all the stories
so find people who have lost someone and talk and they will talk
the sharing of a mutual experience - yours raw - theirs not - will help you both heal

counselors sometimes want to throw anyone crying a lot on pills - for some that might be good - but for others it is best to cry and deal with it

it is sad
I give you permission to cry, to hurt, to get angry that she left, to remember all the good times, to remember all the bad times, to sing, to dance, to play, and to just be - you have permission to do all of that and not feel guilty

sometimes being out in the world right after a death feels surreal - kinda of like being on DU and realizing all these people get it - then you go in the other world - and no one seems to notice the usa is being taken over by facist

well with the death of someone - you feel like the world should stop and notice - but it doesn't - you want everyone to know you hurt and you want them to stop and be there and notice you - but they don't

they are all caught up in their own little worlds - and that is ok
you just have to meet and talk to others who have lost someone - they will still be in their own little world BUT they will find a kindship with you because they share a similar experience - that is how we help each other

anyone who tells you to get over it - run away from - this is a person who either never lost someone or there heart is a cold as BUSH/CHENEY

feel all that you feel - get a massage - go to a massage school for an inexpensive one - get your hair done - go for walks in nature - go to the ocean - go to the mountains - dance - feel life and love go through you

get laid

cry, laugh, and enjoy the taste of both

numb is ok
that is natures protection
as you are ready, numb will fade - maybe this month, maybe this year, maybe in a couple of years or decade - it takes as long as it takes

library and book stores have lots of books on the subject - just another way of sharing with someone - only you would be doing all the listening -

although you don't go to church - you could call up a couple and find out if they know of bereavement groups anywhere - also call newspaper and see if any are listed - you don't have to join a church to use its resources -

go fishing

dance in the rain

splash in puddles

go and do kid things - swings
dig back into that childhood and be that kid that you were when she was alive
spend some time being 1 or 2 or 3 and mom was there to protect you

that is the missing part
missing the one person who loved you no matter what
someone who kiss your hurts
listened
loved
or maybe not

be kind to you

take care

don't hesitate to post again when this thread sinks
our sharing helps us heal
you give us an opportunity to share
thanks

Eileen

[TOhioLiberal]

47. Thanks for all the advice...

:hug: I appreciate it.

[alittlelark]

49. What helped me was creating a corner in my bedroom

that was kind of an alter. Pictures, jewelry, letters....some candles, and misc items that I still do not know why I placed there but they 'fit'. It was as if I set an area for grieving. I was allowed to do/say anything there. Months later, when I felt the desire to fall apart at some small similarity, I was able to wait until I was at the 'sacred space' because that was where I was connected.

I even made one for my 18 year old cat upon her passing. It's still there (5 years later)....it's so pretty and it makes me happy.

It can be nothing more than 1/2 of a nightstand or an unused corner.


Anyway, that's how I cope.

I wish you the best:hug:

[TOhioLiberal]

53. Thanks for caring...

...Thats an idea I am considering.

[Skittles]

50. honey, you are totally normal

you're grieving; give yourself time

[TOhioLiberal]

54. Thanks for caring...

I just miss her so much, you know?

[skygazer]

55. Grieving is a complicated process

And it's more complicated by our society which treats it as something we need to get over fast and move on. I actually think it may have been more healthy back in the days when there were specific mourning periods - people were encouraged to get emotional and wallow a bit in their grief.

Grieving takes different people in different directions and it takes different amounts of time. It's normal to feel guilt at feeling pleasure when we've lost a loved one. You do have to acknowledge your grief and loss as well as realize that you can still feel pleasure. And I know the numb feeling very well. That's your mind trying to protect you from the hurt.

Let yourself grieve. Don't try to "get over it", as people urge so often. You've lost your mom, the woman who gave birth to you, who cradled you as an infant, who loved you throughout life. That's huge. Your feelings will run a gamut but that's how we deal with these things. It's okay to cry, to get angry, to laugh, to feel numb...

Go ahead and listen to those songs. Cry. Let your sorrow come out. And remember your mom.

I'm very sorry for your loss. :cry:

[PittPoliSci]

56. i'm so sorry.

being numb is normal i suppose. i was numb for weeks when my grandmother died, she lived next to me my entire life, so it was like losing a mother. i really hope everything works out for you. sorry about your loss.

[HalfManHalfBiscuit]

57. Same thing happened to me

A few years back my mom told me she had cancer and was dead one month later. Certainly crying and mourning at first, but after a week or so I became somewhat catatonic. Numb, just as you describe, and lost almost all sense of time. Sometimes a day would go by in a flash and sometimes a minute would seem forever. I think it lasted about two weeks. But it eventually stopped. You will get over it too, I think it is normal (my brother and sister felt the same way).

Strangely enough, one thing that helped was going to Las Vegas. After three days of degenerate drinking and gambling, I woke up with the sense that it was time to get on with life, and I did.

Best wishes and I know you will feel better when it is time.