Am I really that abnormal? (concerning relationships)

[johnnie]

Reading the posts on marriage and friends, I started to wonder if being 40 and never married is all that common. I really don't actively seek relationships and I feel that most of the time I am completely happy being on my own.
I have had a few relationships in the past, but they all fell thru. As time went on I saw more and more of the people that I know in relationships become miserable and not happy about what they have. I have also seen people who just cannot be alone and jump from one relationship to another. I honestly do enjoy companionship of women, but I feel that being single is not as much trouble. I have become accustomed to doing what I want to do when I want to do it, and answering to anyone just would feel like I am tied down.
So, am I abnormal or is it common these days for men my age to be single? Have I turned in to a self-centered, selfish brat? It seems that in your 20s and 30s it is ok to be single, but is 40 the age where I should maybe seek companionship? Am I missing something that I don't hear about? The majority of my peers have either been married or are still married (most have been, now not) and now I maybe think that I messed up.
Just wanted to throw this out there and see what some of you think.

[molly]

1. If and when you should ever marry - you will not need to wonder

there is nothing wrong with you except you are probably smarter than a lot of us should have been.

[johnnie]

5. A few of my friends have said that

They said that I was the smart one. Of course most of them are paying child support and doing the running around and trading off the kids and all. I am one of the few people my age that I know that their paychecks don't cover what happened in the divorce.
I was engaged once btw, and she was a wonderful woman. I just wasn't totally sure if it could have been forever, so it went south.

[the Princess]

2. I think some people

are just fine being single. And I see nothing wrong with it - or you :)

Some people are happier married some people are happier single - and some people need to figure out which one they are BEFORE they get nmarried! LOL

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

3. No you aren't..

I was quite content being single for the longest time...then I met Misunderestimator and SHE wasn't very content with me being single :evilgrin: Now I'll be a fucking wreck of she ever dumps me and BOY do I hate that!

[chiburb]

12. You know what they say...

Chest pains: Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em.

:-)

[johnnie]

16. Yeah, getting dumped sux..lol

You two do seem pretty happy though, and I am happy for you both :)

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

20. She's very great and we have a lot in common

My greater point though is that I wasn't looking and was very content to be single...don't worry about it...at some point someone walks into your life and as much as you aren't looking and aren't interested, you won't be able to help yourself and resistance will be futile...not that she HAD to try or anything...I was pretty enrolled in who she was from the get go...and the more I communicated with her..the less I wanted to be single

[Misunderestimator]

35. Aw.....

And I wasn't looking either... but incredibly glad I found you. :loveya:

On edit... I will always remember that you said for weeks that you were quite content being alone and couldn't see yourself in a relationship again. ;)

[HereSince1628]

4. Well, no more abnormal than folks doing serial polygamy...

Why worry?

If this isn't associated with some sort of paraphilia then you are probably just following your own "star."

[skypilot]

6. As a gay man approaching 40...

...I can relate. I'm ambivalent about relationships. Sometimes I like the idea of a relationship but actually being in one starts to grate on me. I like my solitude.

[calico1]

7. I think that for a lot of people

the older they get having never been married or in a live in situation, the more comfortable they get being alone. I am 46 and although I am engaged I did so last year for the first time. I was perfectly happy alone. I think you just become more independant. Most of the people I know who have been in and out of relationships all their adult lives got married very young so they I think they just don't know how to be alone. I don't think you are strange or anything. I think in this society we are conditioned to have a companion and that we need to have one. I don't believe that. A person can be perfectly happy and have a full life without a partner. It would be more selfish to marry someone just to please society and then not really love them.

[johnnie]

10. That's the thing

So many people get married so young, and then they don't know how to live any other way if the marriage "fails". I have witnessed many many of those.
I liked your reply..

[Dogmudgeon]

8. I'm 46 and have never been married

On the other hand, it is something I do want -- marriage, children, domesticity.

I'm not too upset by it, though. What's the use in that? I never was very "handy with the ladies" but then again, I never placed much of a value on courtship and sex. Supposedly I do all right in those areas, but it's just something that was never a big part of my life.

Don't confuse "self-centered" (which is just another way of saying "immoral") with "unlucky". As you wrote, sometimes bad luck is actually good luck -- it just depends on your point of view.

--bkl

[johnnie]

11. Yeah

I sometimes think of the whole domestic thing and it sounds like it would be cool. And children don't even sound bad at times.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

13. Hell..people who know Petula's complete repetoire are hard to come by!

:hi:

[Dogmudgeon]

34. And even Pet had to go to France to meet her husband

It's what Two Rivers is about.

--bkl
Maybe I'm reaching far too high ...

[ChavezSpeakstheTruth]

9. Not at all man - I know a number of folks around your age who are that way

and happy as hell.

Whatever works works

:thumbsup:

[Boomer]

14. Be yourself

I've been partnered twice (second one is still going strong) and each time it was a no-brainer: I knew without a doubt that I wanted to live with this woman and share my life with her. Even though the first relationship ended after 14 years, I've never regretted the choices I made.

But if you haven't met a woman who sparks that kind of strong emotional reaction from you, then stay single! There's no greater recipe for disaster than marrying someone because you're attracted to the concept of marriage rather than a specific person.

[salvorhardin]

15. If you're OK with it

then you're just fine.

I'm approaching 38 without having ever been married. It suits me. Like yourself, I've had relationships in the past but... I think I'm just meant to be single. It doesn't mean I don't enjoy human, especially female, company. It's just that I value alone time more than most.

Back about 10 years ago I was going through a very rough patch in my life and sought psychological counseling. In a span of about 5 days I both lost my job (business went under) and my mother died. I became very depressed. However, the only thing the (very) young female counselor could focus on was that I was neither in a relationship nor looking for one. I believe I dumped her after about 3 sessions.

[TexasBushwhacker]

21. Good grief!

What a bonehead counselor! I'm going through that kind of patch right now. My mother died, after a long illness, in January and then I got laid off from my job in February. I considered the lay off a blessing, because all I really wanted to do for a while was .... nothing. I just wanted to grieve and figure out what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. My mom had cancer for almost 10 years and required different levels of care for the whole time. The last 3 years her care and well being were really my first priority, and thankfully I DIDN'T have a husband and kids to take care of. Dating during that time? Yeah, right. I still had a social life with my gal pals, who are very important to me, but having a boyfriend during that time just wouldn't have been possible. Guys are HIGH MAINTENANCE!

[Ratty]

17. Not abnormal. But maybe you are selfish?

I too know people who cannot tolerate being alone and I've seen them throw themselves into one disastrous relationship after another solely because of that. That's one unhealthy end of the spectrum. I'm like you. I have lived alone for years and I prefer being alone. I'm never lonely. Marriage I guess requires a lot of compromise, support, and patience. You need to deal with someone when they're fun but also when they're not so fun. I just have little patience for the not-so-fun part. For myself, I suspect I'm at heart pretty selfish and self-centered. I put myself at the other end of the unhealthy spectrum. I guess I would prefer that I was somewhere closer to the middle, but I'm not and I don't really think I can change. For now I'm happy, but--believe it or not--my biggest fear is that there won't be anyone around to change my diapers or take me to the hospital when I'm 90. Being married to someone can be an enormous complicated pain in the butt but there are great advantages to always having somebody at your back whom you can rely upon.

I don't have an answer or anything constructive to add to your post. I just think it's an interesting question and I have pondered it too. I do recognize a selfishness in my character and I have always attributed that to my choice of remaining alone. I.e., if I weren't so selfish I'd be married. I don't agonize over it, or harbor deep regrets, but I do fear that someday I will.

How about good friends? Do you have many friends whom you've known for many years?

[Boomer]

23. At least you're honest!

A good marriage requires a generous and forgiving heart. If you truly don't have those qualities, then you're probably happier living alone. And you're saving someone else from being miserable with you. That's pretty sensible!

[johnnie]

24. Oh, I think about the 90 year old diaper thing also..lol

But yeah, I might be a bit selfish in that regard. But I think it would have been more selfish to marry for the sake of marrying someone and being miserable.

[TexasBushwhacker]

18. I'm 47 and single

If I'd done what all my friends in college did, I would have married my main boyfriend from college, had a couple of kids and then gotten divorced in my 30's. For me, I loved him to pieces, but there was just something about it that didn't say "lifetime" to me. I've been told my standards are too high, but then my parents were unhappily married for 35 years and I think that has a lot to do with me being so "gunshy". I missed out on having babies, but I always saw myself as being a stepmom or foster mom or adopting, and I can still do that. It's been a long time since I even lived with someone and I've gotten VERY comfortable (maybe too comfortable) living alone. Anyway, I just look at it as a different path in life.

[tjdee]

19. No, you're lucky.

There are plenty of married/unmarried miserable people because they're not in the other category.

You're happy, that's good.

[Droopy]

22. I don't think you are abnormal. I'm 32 and never been married.

I have a personality type that likes to be alone. Due to the medication I take for a severe mental disorder I am also unable to do a whole lot of talking. I really have to think about what I am going to say and it's not really conducive to carrying on a conversation. Me not talking a whole lot would probably lead to a lot of miscommunication in a relationship and make it difficult to get into one in the first place. And if I ever were in a relationship I wouldn't want to have any children for fear that I might not make a good father and that I might pass on my mental illness- there's evidence that it's genetic. So there's two strikes against me.

So you can say I am a hard case, but I really like being alone over being in a relationship overall.

[SarahB]

25. You're smart.

Trusting other people is a mistake. It's always been for me anyway. Ever time I have ever opened myself up, it's been proven a mistake.

[johnnie]

28. Oh SarahBelle

I'm sorry.... just don't let it all get you down too much. You just never know what can happen. I've said I wouldn't get too close or let people in before... and I keep doing it..lol.

[yellowcanine]

26. Well you are definately not normal. And why would you want to be?

[johnnie]

29. Well, I guess I meant my situation..lol

As for me personally... the jury is still out. :)

[bikebloke]

27. Part of the tribe

I'm in my late 40's and still single. And I'm content. There have been relationships in the past that have wandered close to marriage. Luckily with one I was wise, seeing a bad future and breaking off. Plus, I've always lived a healthy lifestyle, so I'm not ageing like my peers. Compound that with the blessing (or curse) of seeming infinite patience, and I reckon there's still time to hook up. If someone comes along. If not, no worries. I have a couple profiles up at meeting & greeting sites that I still believe are legit. But I won't succumb to desperation. At the moment, someone's profile has caught my fancy, but I'm hesitant (another topic). Usually I'll wait long enough until someone has snagged them, then I feel relief.

[Amaya]

30. Enjoy being single

I've been married. I DO NOT want to go down that road again. Relationships are too heartbreaking.

[LisaLynne]

31. I'm a single, never-been-married, too!

It's great to see so many of us here! I think sometimes when I get down about it, it's really that I'd be down no matter what, but because I'm single and there is so much emphasis on being married or at least being part of a couple in this culture, I think that's the problem. Honestly, I'm very happy. It's not that I've never looked to get married, but it just didn't happen. So what? A lot of other things aren't going to happen to me -- like winning the lottery! Hee hee. I think every life and every life style has it's advantages. The point is making peace with who you are and not falling into somebody else's idea of what you should be!

[TEXASYANKEE]

32. I think ...

that you and I are twins! I always thought that I would get married at some point in my life, and did come close a time or two, but about 10 years ago (at age 34) I realized that I really was much happier living a solitary life. And I do require lots of time to myself, always have. I have several good gal friends to play golf, see movies, and eat out with. But most of the time I enjoy the peace and quiet of living in my home alone.

[prolesunited]

33. Single, never married and 41

No *need* for a man and perfectly content just living my own little life. I never imagined being in a serious relationship and couldn't see what all the fuss was about. Too much bother, heartache and complications.

Then, wham! It hit me this year like an irresistible force. Content was no longer enough when I discovered what being happy with him is like. Now, I can't imagine my life without him.

I always laughed and shook my head at silly people in love. Now, I've found that I'm one of them, so I shake my head and laugh at myself, finally understanding what it's all about.

All I can say is that you'll know when you know and there won't be a doubt in your mind. Don't settle for anything less.

[amazona]

36. I was never married at 40

It has much to recommend it, at least for a woman. Supposedly, married men do live longer and report being happier, but there is no such advantage for females. I doubt I would have ever married if the insurance companies hadn't basically made it mandatory in order for me to survive.

Who cares what is "common these days?" If you are happy, then who cares what the mass of men choose to do. Life is not Noah's Ark, we don't have to go two by two. Do what is right for you.