Bush jokes - LOL funny! ;-)

[Sean Reynolds]

Got this in an e-mail today:

Texans in Hell
>
> A group of Texans are driving down the road,
> whooping it up, drinking beer and shooting off their
> guns when they get into an accident with busload of
> nuns and orphans, killing everyone. The Texans go
> straight to Hell. When they arrive the Devil is
> shocked to see that they are not in agony over the
> heat and he demands an explanation.
>
> "Well, sir, we're from Texas, and we're used to the
> heat," says one. This infuriates the Devil and he
> cranks the thermostat up to its highest setting. The
> lost souls all over hell start wailing. "I'll check
> on them in the morning and see how they like THIS."
> He snorts and disappears in a ball of fire.
>
> The next morning, the Devil shows up at the Texans'
> camp site, and sure enough they are showing some
> signs of discomfort. They have taken off their 10
> Gallon hats and are fanning themselves. One has even
> rolled up his sleeves. "Well, sir," explains a
> Texan, "when you have been on a cattle drive in
> Lubbock during August, this ain't hardly nothing."
> The Devil is now so angry he is seeing red.
>
> "Those damn Texans seem immune to heat, let 's see
> what happens when I turn OFF the heat," he says as
> he heads to the thermostat. "I'll check on them
> tomorrow."
>
> So in the morning the Devil arrives at the Texans'
> campsite, and they are all whoopin' and hollerin'
> and drinkin' the beers from the ice chest in the
> back of the pick up, now that they have ice to chill
> them with. The wail of the lost souls is deafening
> but the Texans are partyin' like there is no
> tomorrow.
>
> "I don't get it," the Devil says, completely
> defeated. "I tried to roast you and it had no
> effect, and then I tried to freeze you and you are
> partying. You Texans are made of tough stuff. But
> why are you celebrating?"
>
> A Texan takes a swig from a Bud in a longneck and
> replies, "Look around! Hell is frozen over. That's
> just gotta mean there is another Bush in the White
> House."
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Tips From Ghosts of Presidents Past
>
> One night, George W. Bush is awakened by George
> Washington's ghost in the White House. Bush asks:
> "George, what is the best thing I could do to help
> the country?"
>
> "Set an honest and honorable example, just as I
> did," Washington advises.
>
> The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moves
> through the dark bedroom. "Tom," W asks, "what is
> the best thing I could do to help the country?"
>
> "Cut taxes and reduce the size of government,"
> Jefferson advises.
>
> Bush isn't sleeping well the next night, and sees
> another figure moving in the shadows. It's Abraham
> Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I
> could do to help the country?" Bush asks. Abe
> answers: "Go see a play."
>
>
>
>
>
> Bush Goes For A Jog
>
> George Bush was out jogging one morning along the
> parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge
> railing and landed in the creek below.
>
> Before the Secret Service guys could get to him,
> three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the
> water. He was so grateful he offered the kids
> whatever they wanted.
>
> The first kid said, "I sure would like to go to
> Disneyland." George said, "No problem. I'll take you
> there on Air Force One."
>
> The second kid said, "I really need a new pair of
> Nike Air Jordan's." George said, "I'll get them for
> you and even have Michael sign them!"
>
> The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair
> with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!" George Bush
> is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you
> don't look like you are injured." The kid says, "I
> will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from
> drowning!"
>
>
>
> Medical Miracles
>
> An Israeli doctor says "Medicine in my country is so
> advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man,
> put it in another, and have him looking for work in
> six weeks."
>
> A German doctor says "That is nothing, we can take a
> lung out of one person, put it in another, and have
> him looking for work in four weeks.
>
> A Russian doctor says "In my country, medicine is so
> advanced that we can take half a heart out of one
> person, put it in another, and have them both
> looking for work in two weeks."
>
> The Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says "You guys
> are way behind, we recently took a man with no brain
> out of Texas, put him in the White House for four
> years, and now half the country is looking for
> work."
>
>
>
> Bush, Einstein and Picasso at the Pearly Gates
>
> Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly
> Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like
> Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some
> people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can
> you prove who you really are?"
>
> Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could
> I have a blackboard and some chalk?"
>
> Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and
> chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to
> describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his
> theory of relativity.
>
> Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE
> Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!"
>
> The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint
> Peter asks for credentials.
>
> Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and
> chalk?"
>
> Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."
>
> Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a
> truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of
> chalk.
>
> Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist
> you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"
>
> Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush.
> Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein
> and Picasso both managed to prove their identity.
> How can you prove
> yours?"
>
> George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are
> Einstein and Picasso?"
>
> Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."

[Rhiannon12866]

1. Thank you! I love these! I have a couple myself...

What do you think of this one?:-)

CLINTON, GORE, AND BUSH FACE FIRING SQUAD

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush were set to face a firing squad in a small Central American country. Bill Clinton was the first one placed against the wall and just before the order was given he yelled out, "Earthquake!" The firing squad fell into a panic and Bill jumped over the wall and escaped in the confusion.

Al Gore was the second one placed against the wall. The squad was reassembled and Al pondered what he had just witnessed. Again before the order was given Al yelled out, "Tornado!" Again the squad fell apart and Al slipped over the wall.

The last person, George W. Bush, was placed against the wall. He was thinking, "I see the pattern here, just scream out something about a disaster and hop over the wall." He confidently refused the blindfold as the firing squad was reassembled. As the rifles were raised in his direction he grinned from ear to ear and yelled, "Fire!"

[Rhiannon12866]

2. Okay, let me try this one. I sent it to my friend at work and she laughed

out loud!


Cheney gets a call from his "boss", W.


I've got a problem," says W. "What's the matter?" asks Cheney. Well, you told me to keep busy in the Oval Office, so, I got a jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."


"What's it a picture of?" asks Cheney. "A big rooster," replies W. "All right," sighs Cheney, "I'll come over and have a look." So he leaves his office and heads over to the Oval Office. W points at the jigsaw on his desk. Cheney looks at the desk and then turns to W and says, "For crying out loud, Georgie - put the corn flakes back in the box!"

[Rhiannon12866]

3. Well, it looks like it's just you and me

and my friend who will enjoy these with us tomorrow. The others don't know what they're missing. I think this is my favorite:

Bush's White House Tour

Before the inauguration, George W. was invited to a 'get acquainted' tour of the White House.

After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked President Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. He was astonished to see that the President had a solid gold urinal!

That afternoon, George W. told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think," he said, "when I am President, I'll have my own personal gold urinal!"

Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been with his discovery of the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That evening, Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed. Hillary turned to Bill and said, "Well, I found out who peed in your saxophone."

[Rhiannon12866]

4. Well, it looks like it's just you and me

and my friend who will enjoy these with us tomorrow. The others don't know what they're missing. I think this is my favorite:

Bush's White House Tour

Before the inauguration, George W. was invited to a 'get acquainted' tour of the White House.

After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked President Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. He was astonished to see that the President had a solid gold urinal!

That afternoon, George W. told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think," he said, "when I am President, I'll have my own personal gold urinal!"

Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been with his discovery of the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That evening, Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed. Hillary turned to Bill and said, "Well, I found out who peed in your saxophone."

[Rhiannon12866]

5. Dammit! I thought that they fixed this! LOL!!!

Anyway, I love these Bush* jokes. I spent one whole evening exchanging these with my friend, via e-mail, and we were in hysterics. The others here are really missing out, because I really enjoyed yours, as well!:D

[GoddessOfGuinness]

6. LOL!!!

Thanks for the laughs! :D

[MaineDem]

7. Hee Hee

I copied all of these.

Thank you for the laughs. :D

[Rhiannon12866]

8. YAY, Sean Reynolds , somebody found us and liked our jokes!

I'm kicking this in the hope that we may find a few more!:D

[T Bone]

9. It's winter time in Washington

and outside the Oval Office Bush sees a whole bunch of tracks in the snow, and gets worried and sends Cheney out to investigate, worried that someone might be stalking him.

Cheney comes back and says he has checked it out and someone has peed in the snow out there and with their urine they spelled out the words,
"George Bush is a Moran"

Bush tells Cheney to get the CIA on the case and report back to him.
Cheney comes back in a few days and says he knows who did it.

He said a urine analysis shows that the urine belongs to Rumsfeld !
"That Bastard !" says Bush.

"yeah", says Cheney, "but the hand-writing analysis points to Laura."

[Rhiannon12866]

22. Thanks for getting in on this, T Bone!

And welcome to DU!!!:toast:

[Sean Reynolds]

14. This thread still around?

:bounce:

[Rhiannon12866]

21. Yes, thanks to you and me!

:D

[CBHagman]

10. Thanks for a smile that will last all day.

I certainly needed something like this for today! Thank you.

[shugah]

11. some more

George w. Bush is out jogging one morning, notices a little boy on the corner with a box. Curious, he runs over to the child and says, "What's in the box kid?"

The little boy says, "Kittens, they're brand new kittens."

George W. laughs and says, "What kind of kittens are they?"

"Republicans," the child says.

"Oh that's cute," George W. says and he runs off.

A couple of days later George is running with his buddy Dick Cheney and he spies the same boy with his box just ahead.

George W. says to Dick, "You gotta check this out" and they both jog over to the boy with the box. George W. says, "Look in the box Dick, isn't that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey kid tell my friend Dick what kind of kittens they are."

The boy replies, "They're Democrats."

"Whoa!", George W. says, "I came by here the other day and you said they were Republicans. What's up?"

"Well," the kid says, "Their eyes are open now"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cheney, Bush and his father are flying on Air Force One. Dick looks at Dubya, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."

Dubya shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy." George Bush Senior says, "Of course then, I could throw one-hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

The pilot rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
George W. Bush and Dan Quayle where returning from hunting. The two were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too.

"Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something...but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."

After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.

A little while later George W. said to Dan Quayle, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"

"Yeah," George W. added, "but we're getting farther away from the truck...."

[FloridaJudy]

16. Thanks a lot...

I just spewed white wine all over my keyboard reading the last one!

[mac56]

12. I've got a couple

In light of all the speculation about George W. Bush’s intelligence, the Republicans decide to hold a “Bush Is Smart” rally. Eighty thousand enthusiastic Republicans pack the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium, which features marching bands, military color guards, cheerleaders, drum squads, and prominent Republicans from across the country.

Dick Cheney kicks off the festivities by saying, “We are all here today to prove to the world that George W. Bush is a smart man. So, ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce your President, George W. Bush.”

After the cheers die down and the marching bands stop playing Cheney says, “Mr. President, we’re going to prove to the world once and for all that you are indeed smart. So tell us: what is fifteen plus fifteen?”

Bush scrunches up his face and concentrates real hard for a moment, and then declares, “Eighteen!”

Obviously, everyone is a little disappointed. But not for long: soon the eighty thousand Republicans start chanting, “Give Bush another chance! Give Bush another chance!”

Cheney says, “Well since we’ve gone to the trouble of getting eighty thousand of you fine Republicans in one place, I guess we can do that.” He turns to Bush and asks, “What is five plus five?”

After nearly thirty seconds of chin rubbing and grimacing, Bush meekly asks, “Ninety?”

Cheney, quite perplexed, looks down and lets out a dejected sigh. Everyone in the stadium is just as disheartened.

But once again the eighty thousand Republicans begin to yell and wave their hands, shouting, “Give Bush another chance! Give Bush another chance!”

Cheney, in a sweat and not sure whether he’s doing more harm than good, says, “OK! OK! Just one more chance -- What is two plus two?”

Bush looks down, counts on his fingers, and after a whole minute proudly announces, “Four.”

There’s a moment of total silence. Then an electric charge surges through the stadium as pandemonium breaks out.

All eighty thousand Republicans jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet, and create a deafening roar:

“GIVE BUSH ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE BUSH ANOTHER CHANCE!”

- - -

A Marine stationed in Iraq was in the infirmary with most of his bones broken. His Colonel stopped in to visit and to find out what happened.

“Well,” explained the Marine, “the Sarge said we should use psychological warfare. He said we should yell insults to the Iraqis about Saddam Hussein, and when they stand up in anger, shoot ‘em. Well, I did that. I was in my bunker and I yelled out, ‘Saddam Hussein is an evil tyrant, a killer, and a no-good scoundrel’.”

“So this Iraqi soldier answered back. He yelled, ‘George W. Bush is a coward, a hypocrite, and a thief’.”

“We were shaking hands in the middle of the road when a tank ran us over.”

[StaggerLee]

13. LOL! All of these are keepers!

Thanks to everyone for posting.
:P

[FloridaJudy]

15. Holy cow!

I actually *wrote* that last joke a few months ago. It wasn't original; I updated a really old joke told to me in Spain in 1975 in which Francisco Franco was the last candidate.

So now I know what the turn-around time is on an Internet joke: approximately 4-5 months.

[PassingFair]

17. Alright, here's my favorite...

A few days after Bush was selected, he called Clinton and said, "Bill, ya gotta help me look more presidential, I mean when YOU walk into a room, all the folks really take notice. They barely look at me...what's your secret?"

Clinton feels sorry for the guy so he lets him in on his secret: "Here's what to do", he says, "Take a potato and stuff it into your underwear before the state dinner on Tuesday, it'll give you added confidence and the ladies will really sit up and take notice, works every time".

The day after the state dinner, Shrubby calls up the Big Dog and says, "It didn't work, you tricked me. They all LAUGHED at me!"

"I know, I saw it all on C-Span, Dubya" Bill said. "You were supposed to shove the potato down the FRONT of your pants!"

[Lydia Leftcoast]

18. Bush and Cheney

receive an invitation to dine at the home of Norman Podhoretz and Midge Decter (major neocons), and they're told that the menu will include typical Jewish cuisine.

George is real worried about this dinner, because he knkows that Norman and Midge are considered big intellectuals, so he confides his fears to Cheney.

Cheney says, "Don't worry. I'll do all the talking. You just smile and talk about the food, just like you used to do when you sampled tacos at Cinco de Mayo."

"Okay,"George says,"I can handle that."

So they go to dinner, and the first course is a salad made with pickled beets. George comments on how delicious it is. Then comes some gefilte fish. George asks how it's made.

Next comes the soup course. George takes a spoonful and says, "This is really good. Do you people eat any other part of the matzoh besides its balls?"

[Redbear]

19. Bush and Cheney have lunch at a quiet bistro...

The waitress asks the veep for his order.

He replies "I will have the soup du jour."

She turns to the alleged president who looks at the menu and then smiles and winks and says,

"Hey Darlin, how about a little quickie?"

The waitress turns red, calls Dubya a pig, and storms off.

Cheney says, "Actually Mr. President, its pronounced 'keysh'".

[Interrobang]

20. A Bush Brooklyn joke from AlienGirl...

After getting a visit from the Mossad, President Bush calls in the head of the CIA and asks,
with his typical aplomb, "How come the Jews know everything before we do?

The CIA chief says, "It's simple. The Jews have an expression, 'Nu, vus
tutzuch.' They just ask each other and that's how they find out
everything."

Impressed, George W. Bush says he personally wants to go undercover to
see how this system works.

So the president gets disguised as an Orthodox Jew, and is secretly flown
in an unmarked plane to New York where he is secretly picked up in an unmarked
car and secretly dropped off in Crown Heights, one of Brooklyn's most Jewish
neighborhoods.

As the president stands quietly on a busy street corner, a little old Jewish man
comes shuffling along.

Bush approaches and asks, "Nu, vus tutzuch?"

The old man whispers back, "Did you hear that putz Bush is in Brooklyn?"
_________________



(BUT, AG's comment on that is Bush is so stupid he'd end up asking, "Nu,
vus tuchus?" or "Nu, vus pupik?" I sd: "Is that grammatical?!" She
sd: "Is Bush?")