FBI to discontinue Witness Protection Parade

[LincolnMcGrath]

WASHINGTON, DC—FBI director Robert S. Mueller III announced Monday that, due to logistical complications and a lack of interest among participants, the annual Witness Protection Parade will be cancelled "for the foreseeable future."

"The feeling among organizers, participants, and sponsors was that the John Smith Memorial Witness Protection Parade—though a lot of fun—presented too many headaches for everyone involved," Mueller said in a press conference Monday.

[Kamika]

1. I dont get it..

Is this for real or something?

[GOPisEvil]

2. Bwahahaha!!! I love The Onion!!!

:thumbsup:

[LincolnMcGrath]

3. Daddy H. Day Care

Yo, this is foe tha day-care peeps who tend to mah shortie, Baby Prince H Tha Stone Col' Dopest Biz-ook-kizeepin' Muthafuckin' Badass Supastar Kornfeld Tha Second. (His mama call him Tanner, but she a bitch.)

First off, I wanna say that I ain't down wit' this lame-ass daycarin' bullshit. Agnes—that's Baby H's moms—decide she wanna get educated. So, she said either I tend to tha shortie durin' tha day while she at school, or he gots to go to this Little Britches place on Commercial Road. So I said, "Shit, you high? Days I spend tendin' to bidness at Midstate Office Supply. Can't that fuckin' mama o' yours, who always hatin' on tha H-Dog, look afta tha Prince?" An' she said her mama have corns, or cancer, or somethin' beginnin' wit a 'C', an' so she can't look afta tha shortie no more.

So, whut that mean is, a bunch o' muthafuckin' strangers be lookin' afta my son an' heir to tha storied Kornfeld accountz- reeceevin' legacy. Tha H-Dog don't play that shit. But I ain't gonna give up my sweet, sweet gig at Midstate. Tha place be givin' up tha mad scrilla, plus I just got one o' those desktop fridges you can keep yo' lunch in. Y'all best believe it goin' to good use, muhfuckaz. Besides, who gonna keep tha Prince in Pull-Ups if I don't keep krunchin' those numbahz?

[BigMcLargehuge]

4. HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!

Oh man, that just made my morning!

[LincolnMcGrath]

5. Well, Well, Well-If it isn`t a small Family Owned Retailer

Well, well, well—lookee here. If it isn't a small, family-owned retailer. How quaint.

Pretty nice shop you got here. Okay if I take a look inside? Don't mind me. I won't be long. Neither will you, but that's a story for another day.

I'm sure you must be real busy, but if you have a minute to spare, I could use a bit of help. I was hoping to buy the new Alan Jackson CD, but I'm having trouble finding your music section. I'd also like to pick up a bottle of scented bath gel. What's that? Really? Just a hardware store, huh? Well, I'm sorry. I do apologize. Seems like it'd be a whole lot more convenient to go to a single store for all of my needs, but what do I know?