Tidbits on the debate debaugles

[daddybear]

62 million people tuned into the debate this week. That's almost one
viewer for every time President Bush said mixed message. (Bill Maher)

The first question went to John Kerry because he won the coin toss.
Well, of course he did. His wife owns all the coins. (Jay Leno)

Bush didn't have a good night. I don't think he's choked that much
since the last time he had a pretzel. (Jay Leno)

The Democrats think Kerry won and the Republicans all think Bush won.
Well, the swing voters, they were all watching porno. (Jay Leno)

A rule that Bush and Kerry wanted is that you can't move from your
position behind the podium, they can't move. Which made it tough on
Kerry, you know, not being allowed to change positions. (Jay Leno)

Bush wants to show that John Kerry is confused. You know you're in
trouble when you're running against George Bush and you're the one who
looks confused. (David Letterman)

I don't want to say who won this debate, but today the FCC is furious
and is fining the networks for showing the emperor with no clothes.
(Bill Maher)

Last night's debate was about foreign policy. And if you saw it, you
know Bush spent the entire time bragging about the capture of Cat
Stevens. (David Letterman)

That's it for George W. Bush. He will not have to participate in the
next debate. Yeah, his dad got him out of it. (David Letterman)

President Bush and Senator John Kerry's first debate was held last
Thursday. While neither candidate delivered a knock-out punch, polls
indicate John Kerry was the winner. Though Bush later complained it was
because he couldn't get his buzzer to work. (Tina Fey)

The only reason many believe Kerry won the debate, is because about
two-thirds of the way in, Bush got sleepy and stopped using words.
(Tina Fey)

Kerry scored many points with voters and pundits by finally putting to
rest criticism that he's a flip-flopper. Kerry said, 'I have one
position on Iraq: I'm forgainst it. (Amy Pohler)

During last night's debate, President Bush and John Kerry agreed that
the biggest threat facing America is the chance that nuclear weapons
could get into the hands of a terrorist network. The only difference is
the President believes that terrorist network is CBS. (Jake Novak)

In last night's debate, President Bush said he was very concerned about
Russian President Putin's decision to eliminate democratic rights, all
in the name of fighting terrorism. But of course the President always
hates it when people steal his best ideas. (Jake Novak)

A quick poll of Americans who watched the debate on TV Thursday night
found that 53% thought John Kerry did a better job, 37% thought
President Bush prevailed, and the other 10% were angry that Donald
Trump didn't fire anybody. (Jake Novak)

I don't want to say Bush blew it, but this morning, hurricane victims
were comforting him. (Bill Maher)

Last night was the first presidential debate and it lasted a full 90
minutes. Or, as President Bush calls it, three Sponge Bobs. (Conan
O'Brien)

A lot of people underestimate President Bush when it comes to a debate.
He's pretty good at it. You know back in college he was able to argue
both sides of that 'Taste great, less filling' debate. (Jay Leno)

Now that the debate on the Vietnam War is almost over, it is time for
another presidential debate. This one will help determine who will lead
America for the next four years, Flip-Flop or Just Plain Flop. (John
Breneman)

On the eve of their debate, Vice President Dick Cheney is attacking
John Edwards, calling him the kind of trial lawyer responsible for
raising health care costs. Edwards shot back by saying that healthcare
costs are really jacked up because of people like Cheney who keep
ordering new pacemakers every six months. (Jake Novak)

How many watched the presidential debate last night? It was hard - do
you want the rich white guy who went to Yale and wears a red tie or the
rich white guy who went to Yale and wears a blue tie? We have such
chooses in our country." (Jay Leno)

Did you see the first debate between George W. Bush and John "W."
Kerry down there in Florida tonight? It was exciting television. I
watched it on the big screen at Hooters.(Dave Letterman)

Candidates' war rooms to reassess battle plans (Boston Globe) Bush
expected to pack heat for next debate (Humor Gazette)

John Edwards and Dick Cheney are preparing for tomorrow's night debate
by fine-tuning their best skills. Edwards is working on some of the
speaking techniques he used when he was a trial lawyer, and Dick Cheney
is working on having Edwards killed. (Jake Novak)

I saw it on the cover of Newsweek, and ABC, CNN, they all said that
John Kerry won the debate the other night. I just hope this doesn't
give him a swelled head. (Jay Leno)

Pundits also said that Bush seemed unprepared and looked tired. They
said what Bush needs to do is two things: study videos of John Kerry
speaking and get some sleep. And the nice thing is he can do both of
those at the same time. (Jay Leno)

Political experts say President Bush was off his game. He looked
distracted, confused, a little at a loss for words. Off his game? That
is Bush's game. (Jay Leno)

People are saying that George Bush didn't do well. In fact, Kerry even
picked up the support of one of the Bush twins. (David Letterman)

Experts are saying if this had been a game show, Bush would've gone
home with a handshake and a quart of motor oil. (David Letterman)

I guess this debate will be different, the vice presidential debate.
Both candidates will be seated at the table. John Edwards wanted a
conference table and Dick Cheney of course wanted an operating table.
(Jay Leno)

The networks broadcasting this Friday's second debate between Sen. John
Kerry and President George W. Bush requested today that they be allowed
to air commercials during the pauses in Mr. Bush's answers. (Andy
Borowitz)

The good news is that no matter who wins the election, Americans can
rest easy. That's because during last night's debate, both Dick Cheney
and John Edwards showed they can definitely put most of America to
sleep. (Jake Novak)

After watching last night's impressive performance on TV, President
Bush is changing his strategy for Friday night's debate... he's going
to ask Minnesota Twins pitcher Johan Santana to go up against John
Kerry instead. (Jake Novak)

The most amazing part of the debate was when Dick Cheney told John
Edwards in his Darth Vader voice, '"John I am your father." (Jay Leno)

Here's my question, if Cheney is debating tonight who's running the
country? (Jay Leno)

Dick Cheney did well -- he only flat-lined twice. (David Letterman)

There was one awkward moment ... when moderator Gwen Ifill ... was hit
on by Dick Cheney's daughter. (David Letterman)

Speaking of Cheney in a recent interview, an author who's writing a
book about Cheney says that Dick Cheney is misunderstood and is not a
monster. Then the author admitted, Cheney told me if I didn't say that,
he would eat my children. (Conan O'Brien)

Dick Cheney and John Edwards held a vice presidential debate at Case
Western Reserve University in Cleveland Tuesday. Viewers watched in
morbid fascination. Not even Siegfried and Roy would stand onstage
between a trial lawyer and an oilman. (Argus Hamilton)